What about on relationship shape?
I honestly don’t know. I am open to the idea of seeing someone else but not interested in doing so
If you weren't with him... would you do mono-poly with other people?
I think it has been so long since I’ve been with someone else I don’t even know how to speculate. I think adding multiple partners complicates things in ways I don’t enjoy
but it throws him and causes me even more anxiety.
How does he behave when "it throws him?"
I can feel the underlying frustration before it even surfaces, and I swear to god if he tells me one more time how much better we are for this I am going to explode! Yes, we are better because we are communicating, working actively on meeting each others needs, all of the stuff we were supposed to have anyway. It is not my reward, it’s my right to be in a healthy relationship. Yes, 80% of the time he is there and supportive and holding it’s when he feels like something comes out of nowhere that he gets upset and I get it, but at the same time these are the times I need him the most because it surprises me too. I think I’m ok, and then the other reality shoe comes along and kicks me in the ass.
What does this behavior make you think? I worry that he’ll give up on me. Like I’m not worth this, supporting and holding me is too much to ask.
I want to to scream at him I am doing all of the hard heart wrenching work so you can get your needs met suck it up and be there for me.
Is this what you are doing? Trying to be there for him by sucking it up?
I am sucking it up to an extent, this would not be my choice right now. I don’t enjoy the loss. I am not bothered by the idea of him being with someone else until it impacts me directly.
What are you needs in all this? How are they being met by you? By him?
I need compassion, and reassurance, understanding that I am grieving and that it has only been a few months.
What would you like him to do different in term of behavior? Are you able to articulate it?
I don’t see any part of this arrangement that is a struggle for him, he has lost nothing only gained.
Would it help you to hear what he struggles with in this transition? Or validate that you have been doing a lot of work here and that he appreciates the effort? YES! Where is his struggle? What part of this causes him pain? What I am getting for all this work is a healthy relationship which I should I should have regardless. What he is getting, a wife and family, and two extra girlfriends. I don’t want to feel like this, but I do. I don’t want him to struggle and hurt but I don’t know how to get past the fact that I am and he is not.
Are you finding you do a lot more work to get less than you used to?
Honestly, I am getting more than I was because prior to this I was getting the bare minimu.
How do I talk to him about how my feelings feel out of control, how every new thing sounds one way when we talk about it and another when we do it?
He might not be the right person to talk to first because he's inside the system. Like talk to him eventually.
But you might want to initially air out with people OUTSIDE the system first.
Who might those people be for you?
I have no one. My family is all dead, my children are clearly not an option and my friends are not open to any of this
Ultimatel, I don't feel like he understands and good or bad I need him to.
He doesn't understand that this change is hard for you, a mono partner in a mono-poly situation?
Is that what you mean?
I don’t think he does. I think he sees how much better our relationship is and says why isn’t that enough to make you just be happy, aren’t you grateful?