New mono/poly relationship, trying to figure out our information sharing

O

Otterton

New member
Hey folks.

So I recently ended a mono relationship that had opened up for a couple of years. As things ended, I discovered that physical jealousy was far less of an issue for me than for my partner.

Around the same time I fell in love very suddenly with a new partner who is much more emotionally educated than I am. He suggested to me that I may be polyamorous. At the time I didn't realise this was more an identity aspect than a personal choice, but it became much clearer to me as he asked me more questions about how my previous relationship had felt.

While we are already very committed, we are still trying to feel out how we want our relationship to be structured due to a number of factors:
• My partner wants to make sure I'm happy expressing my sexuality
• I want to make sure my partner isn't being hurt by me practising polyamorous friendships
• We are long distance for the time being (8 hours difference)

For me, I don't feel a need to build a second partnership, but I do feel a strong friendship connection with a couple of FWBs I made during my previous open relationship (I have put the brakes on at the moment, while figuring out the rules with my new partner).

While discussing how to approach this, the major stumbling block so far is that my partner wouldn't want to know anything about any other potential partners I have. He is mostly worried he would fixate on these other partners and try to find out every last thing about them.

Firstly, this contradicts every guide to a healthy mono-poly relationship that we have seen online (we are both reading up).

I also know from the past that 'don't-ask-don't-tell' just feels like sneaking around, and leads to practical difficulties such as answering the simple question "what did you do today". Generally I have found that it creates a huge feeling of isolation and guilt where there should be none.

So I guess what we want to know is if anyone has advice about:
• Approaching information sharing in a mono-poly relationship, where the mono partner would feel paranoid easily
• Tips for keeping my mono partner feeling safe while I engage in FWB relationships

Thanks for any advice you might have,
Otterton
 
I agree that a complete DADT would cause distance. And it's not good to limit your behavior to allow your partner to avoid facing his feelings.

I'd suggest you negotiate to be able to say, I saw my other partner/FWB X today. And leave it at that. No other details about where you went, what you did, what the sex (if any) was like.

Maybe as you and new partner grow in your trust, you will find he is able to handle a few more details. But if you give it a few weeks, and he is obsessed about your other partners, and extremely jealous, he's probably not the right guy for you.
 
Magdlyn said:
I'd suggest you negotiate to be able to say, I saw my other partner/FWB X today. And leave it at that. No other details about where you went, what you did, what the sex (if any) was like.
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This sounds a little like some of the hypotheticals we've been airing, such as using nicknames for partners to help avoid obsessing. My partner's been moving towards the idea that this could work, so I'm glad to hear it affirmed by someone else.

And thanks for the reply. :)
 
The major stumbling block so far is that my partner wouldn't want to know anything about any other potential partners I have. He is mostly worried he would fixate on these other partners and try to find out every last thing about them.
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And you can say NO. If partner starts to ask too many things or gets obsessed you can say "Well, I've already shared all I'm willing to share at this time. More seems like picking and picking at it and getting obsessed with it. So, no. Let's change topics."

There is a difference between DADT and zero info. And taking care not to go into TMI and OVERsharing info. You are trying to discern how much is "enough but not too much" info.

You can say "I saw John/Jane last week for dinner." Or "I went to John's / Jane's bday party and there was chocolate cake." That's good enough.

It's another thing to talk sooooo much about the other partner it becomes intrusive and like you are not present on the date with THIS partner. If you are on a date with this partner and all you talk about is stuff like...

"I saw John and he says this and that."

"I saw Jane and she likes cake, and ice cream, and says that the best is strawberry."

"John likes that dinner too. He gets it with potato."​

that would get tiresome.

I have a friend who becomes tiresome in this way and I'm not even dating her.

When I ask her how she is, I want to know how SHE is.

Instead, she tells me about her parents, her friends that I'm not friends with, everything under the sun. How everyone ELSE is.

By the time she finally gets around to how SHE herself is doing? I don't care any more. I'm worn out. My listening skills got used up trying to understand stories about people I've never met.

It would be different if she said "Well, I'm worried about my grandma's surgery." Because then we are talking about HER and HER worries.

Instead she says "Grandma is having surgery. Grandma doesn't want to. Grandma thinks this and that and the other thing..."

While I have nothing against grandma? And I hope things go well? I don't know her at all. So why overshare all these things about grandma? Does grandma want all personal health info of hers broadcast?

It would be the same with a dating partner hearing about other partners. It's not just your information. It's the other partner's info too. They'd probably be fine with you saying "I saw John/Jane last week." or even "I went to their bday and ate chocolate cake." That's harmless enough. But don't be telling THEIR stories. Esp without their consent.


Approaching information sharing in a mono-poly relationship, where the mono partner would feel paranoid easily
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Let the mono partner be in charge of their emotional management. Be basic polite, answer questions simply, and don't overshare TMI data. It's ok to say NO if they ask for more info than you are able to give because it's not only your info.

Tips for keeping my mono partner feeling safe while I engage in FWB relationships
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Safe from what?

Sexually? Use condoms and whatever appropriate BC methods.

From having feelings? Well, I assume you are not going out of your way to be a jerk to your partner. But if they experience some discomfort? That's their deal to manage. You aren't going out of your way to hurt them. But it is reasonable to expect some discomfort or growing pains when trying a new relationship/new relationship model.

Growth happens at the end of the comfort zone. One has to stretch out to become comfortable with previously uncomfortable things.

Hopefully it is not biting off more than they can chew. Like... a comfortable uncomfortable or an acceptable uncomfortable they are willing to undertake. And not like doom.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks GalaGirl for the response. Definitely some food for thought there about info-sharing on my side, thank you!

At this point I should mention, he's working extremely hard to find a mindset that's both comfortable for him and sustainable for us. Definitely not a one-sided conversation as we figure this out.

As regards him feeling safe, I was referring to emotional security, feeling valued and such. We communicate very strongly, but any practical tips on working on jealousy would be especially welcome.
 
Re:
"As regards him feeling safe, I was referring to emotional security, feeling valued and such. We communicate very strongly, but any practical tips on working on jealousy would be especially welcome."
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Here are some jealousy links:

In addition to that, I recommend that you reassure your partner often of your love for him, and that you are not going anywhere. Familiarizing yourself with his love language may help. In general, take things slow and communicate often.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
As regards him feeling safe, I was referring to emotional security, feeling valued and such. We communicate very strongly, but any practical tips on working on jealousy would be especially welcome.
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If emotional security is a "bucket"...

What does he need to feel valued by a partner? Can he articulate that? Are they reasonable and rational requests? Are you willing to do it to help "fill" the bucket? Things like... Do you keep your promises? Are you punctual, respectful, follow through? Open and honest? Provided comfort and care?

What does he need to not "punch holes" in his bucket? And does he avoid doing it? Like not comparing himself poorly to others? Not cultivating negative views about himself and then seeking "evidence" to support them? How does he ADD or TAKE AWAY from his emotional resilience? He can be his own bucket filler and not bucket drainer.

Because you by yourself cannot be filling his bucket forever if he's the one punching holes in it. YKWIM? You have your own bucket to fill too.

His well being is his responsibility. You can certainly contribute to his well being after attending to your own. But you cannot be his only "life raft" person, forever propping him up. Esp if he does things to tear his own self down. YKWIM?

So... maybe something to think about.

  • How you each fill your own bucket first.
  • How you each avoid draining your own bucket.
  • Then how you each can contribute to the other one's bucket some.

Galagirl
 
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@Galagirl

This bucket metaphor was super effective! It certainly clarifies some things for me, and I think it will even make a very valuable basis for some of mine and my partner's future conversations.

Thank you!
 
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