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I'm happy for you about the new job and new guy, best of luck with both!
 
Hey KC! Congrats on the apartment, car, job, AND the new guy! Clearly, I have to log in a bit more often. :eek:

Best of luck!
 
Thanks, both of you!

My boyfriend's been away for the past couple of weeks. I'm really missing him :( This is the longest I've gone without seeing him since we've been together. He's texted and called a few times, and that helped, but still.

On the other hand, maybe it's a good thing, because without him being around, I realize how much I *want* him around. I still sometimes have moments of being afraid things are going to go to shit, and when those happen, I start thinking--or talking--about breaking up with him, or I act like a total bitch to push him away. I'm a lot better about NOT doing those things than I used to be, but it still sometimes happens. (He understands why it happens, and according to him I'm not *acting* like a bitch, just feeling like one.) But I love him a lot, and being away from him is harder than I'd thought it would be.

So maybe the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing is true. But I'm still looking forward to him coming home in a couple of days!

In some ways, his being gone has been a bit of a benefit, because it's given me time to get used to the whole working two jobs thing, plus time to get things off the ground with the new guy, who shall henceforth be known as Facets Guy (because personality-wise and interest-wise, he's multifaceted. And because my ability to come up with nicknames that don't indicate much about the person is failing tonight.)

I texted him a few times during the week and we chatted, but I held back on asking him if he wanted to get together again, even though my boyfriend encouraged me to ask him to the monthly karaoke thing. (Which happened this past week instead of the first week of the month because of football...) I told my boyfriend I didn't want to be in Facets Guy's face because I didn't want him to get sick of me.

But I was planning to ask Facets to get together this weekend, and ended up asking him on Tuesday because he gave me an opening when we were texting. I didn't really want to wait until yesterday, but I'm trying to be slow and logical about this. I'm also nervous about getting hurt again.

We ended up spending a lot of time together this weekend. I went to his place yesterday afternoon, and we went ingredients shopping and then spent a few hours making deep dish pizza and chocolate chip cookies from scratch. We watched a movie. And we had some freaking awesome, mind-blowing sex...

After some of the things he said this weekend, I'm feeling a lot more hopeful about how this is going to go. I'm just going to need some serious time management skills.
 
Having my boyfriend home is wonderful. Last night was our regular night together, and I think we spent most of the time snuggling and saying how much we missed each other. There was some sex in there somewhere too.

I kept catching myself talking to him about Facets, and I finally said, "I'm running out of things to talk about, because I don't want to keep talking to you about Facets." He said, "Why not? It's NRE. You *should* be talking a lot about him!"

That's one example of just how different he and I are from each other in some ways. He not only doesn't mind listening to me talk about Facets (or any other guy in whom I'm interested); it makes him happy to hear, and that's that. It just makes him happy. Compersion is his middle name, I swear. Whereas when he talks to me about other partners, I'm still in the place where I'm happy for him but insecure and upset for myself. It's a comparison thing, I've realized; what if the other woman is better than I am in some way? What if she's easier for him to deal with than I am?

I guess logically, that means I don't need to feel guilty if I talk to him incessantly about Facets. I am definitely dealing with some NRE. But I do feel guilty talking to my boyfriend about it, because I don't like doing something to someone that I wouldn't tolerate having done to me. Even if my boyfriend doesn't mind hearing about Facets, I would mind hearing so much about one of my boyfriend's other partners, so to me that means I shouldn't talk so much about Facets.

But I'm also trying to stave off this NRE. Developing feelings for Facets right now is too dangerous. We haven't agreed on what we have, or even discussed it. We've only gotten together twice, and I haven't heard from him since Sunday. (To be fair, he's told me to text him any time I want, and I get the sense he isn't much for being the one to reach out first. And I just texted him a couple hours ago for the first time since Sunday.) Even though I do believe he means the things he's said, the things that imply to me that this is going somewhere, I still feel like I need to be cautious a little longer. I can't control emotions; those are just things that happen. But I can choose not to acknowledge or act on them for now.
 
Yeah... Good call on the not developing feelings thing. I'm not really sure where things are with Facets right now.

The weekend before last, I made plans to get together with him Friday night. We made those plans on Thursday, so I figured we were all set. I could have texted him Friday when I got out of work to make sure we were still on, but I didn't. I just drove to his place.

There was a light on in his apartment. I'm pretty sure, though admittedly not positive, that he doesn't leave lights on when he isn't home. So I texted to ask him if he was home yet, and he said no, Fridays are his late night and he would be home in about an hour.

(This was the first time he'd mentioned Fridays being his late night. One would think he would have brought it up when I asked about getting together on a Friday night...)

So, like a frigging idiot, I sat outside the building to wait for him. And I sat there for two hours. Because I was a frigging idiot. I was sitting where I could see the door into the building, which is, as far as I know, the only entrance. I didn't see him go in.

I finally gave up and started walking back to my car, and texted him "Are you home yet?" He said he'd gotten home "a few minutes ago." Now, maybe I got distracted at the moment he walked into the building, but I was watching pretty carefully. I called him and asked if I could still come over (because frigging idiot--and yes, I know I'm being harsh on myself), and he said, "No, can we do it tomorrow instead?"

He knew--though had legitimately forgotten, I think, that I had plans with my boyfriend for the next day, to go visit Alt and their fiance and stepson. So I said, "I won't be around tomorrow." I think he took that as meaning something I didn't mean at all, and he told me to come over anyway. And I started having an anxiety attack that he would be mad at me, and meanwhile I was mad at him because it seemed like he'd lied to me.

I did end up going to his place and staying the night, but I felt seriously wrong about it the rest of the night, and I wasn't comfortable with him like I'd been the two previous times. He wasn't angry, and said so several times, but I couldn't shake the fear that he might be. And he also said he usually got home earlier on Fridays...even though when I texted him the first time, he'd said Fridays were his late night. I was hoping to sort things out with him in the morning, but he didn't wake up before I had to leave, and I was afraid to wake him. So I left without saying goodbye--something I have NEVER done to anyone, not even a one-night stand--and texted him later to apologize for leaving like that.

I've only talked to him a couple of times since then. He doesn't make contact with me at all, he just answers when I reach out to him. And he doesn't say anything about wanting to see me, though it has only been a couple of weeks and maybe it's too soon. Though he said there's no such thing as "too often" when it comes to asking him to get together.

Last night he said he didn't have plans for the weekend, so I asked if he wanted to get together again. He said yes. My figuring is that even though evidence strongly points to his having lied to me last time, I don't know for *sure*, and I don't want to confront him about it. So I'm giving it another shot with him. I'm not sure why, really. I like him, and we seemed to click the first two times we got together. So maybe last time was just an aberration, and I won't know that unless I see him again. This time, I'm going to be smart enough to check in with him tomorrow night and again on Saturday before I leave for his place.

I want to be able to trust him. Right now, I'm not sure I can. But we'll see.
 
The last time I saw Facets, I felt really uncomfortable for several hours. I was honest with him that I felt uncomfortable, and why, and he was very understanding. We just sat on the couch and watched movies; he didn't even put his arm around me until I moved closer to him. He was very much following my lead, because he wants me to be comfortable with him and seemed worried when I told him I wasn't. He kept asking if "we" were okay.

I haven't seen him since. I've only had contact with him once, a week ago, when I texted to see how his week was going. I was going to ask if he wanted to get together again, but he only responded to one text, so I didn't bother asking. I haven't tried to get in touch with him since. I'm not ghosting him, but I don't know if I'm going to contact him again. (I know that might sound like ghosting anyway, but it isn't; I would answer if he texted or called me. I'm just not keen on being the one to text or call when he didn't seem to want to talk to me last week and hasn't initiated contact ever.

I've been having trouble adjusting to my boyfriend's new relationship (newish; it's been a little while), but I think I'm finally in a reasonable headspace about it. Last weekend was seriously rough because of something between them. I'm not sure why I was seeing her as so much of a threat, but I kept thinking she was going to replace me in his life. Like he would fall in love with her and not have room for me anymore, or she would take up all his time and he wouldn't have time to see me. Or something. My brain comes up with the worst scenarios...

I was really angry about it on Saturday; angry mostly because I was scared, and fear often crosses the line into anger for me. I said some really harsh things to my boyfriend and to Hubby about the situation. At the time, my intention was to blow off steam, but I realized later that I was acting worse about the whole thing than my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend acted about me. The only difference was that I haven't spoken to the new girlfriend and would never say anything harsh *to* her. I don't hate her or even dislike her; I don't know her.

That realization was a wake-up call. I felt like shit when the ex-girlfriend said some things to me, and when I found out about things she had said about me. I don't ever want to make someone else feel that way. I talked to my boyfriend about it on Sunday. He told me some things that vastly reassured me about my place in his life, which made it easier for me to shift the way I'm thinking about his new relationship and partner. There are some things about her (based on what I've seen and what my boyfriend has told me) that would bug me if I interacted with her on a regular basis, but that's only a case of different personality types, not anything personal about her.

Last night, my boyfriend told me something about them that a few days ago would have hugely upset me. Last night, it didn't bother me in the slightest. I was *happy* for him. Progress...
 
I've texted with Facets a couple of times since the last post, but both times I was the one initiating the contact. One of the times, he didn't even answer until two days later. He hasn't mentioned wanting to see me.

I know people get busy and all that, but when he isn't reaching out to contact me and isn't saying anything about wanting to get together, I feel like he isn't interested. I'm still trying because my boyfriend and I had a discussion about it, and he said if he were in my situation, and was interested in someone, he would pursue them. And I am pretty sure I know something about Facets that explains why he's more likely to wait and let me make the contact and the moves. I don't like the idea of "pursuing" anyone, because that leaves me feeling desperate. But I think it might be worth it to see Facets at least once more and try to talk this through with him.

I don't know when that will be, though. Saturdays seem to be the only night that works for me to see him, and the past couple of Saturdays, I've been with my boyfriend because he has "right of first refusal" on my Saturday nights. (That was my choice, not his.) I discussed that with him yesterday and we agreed that from now on, he'll wait until later in the week to let me know if he wants to see me on Saturday so I'll have time to make other plans if I want to.

My boyfriend's going to be elsewhere next weekend, but Country said she might come to visit, in which case I obviously won't have time to see Facets. Technically Country wouldn't be coming to see me; she misses her cats. And one of the cats just had dental surgery, and there was a concern that she might have a tumor on her jaw, which pointed out to Country that even if she has issues with me, she should be trying to see her pets. (The possible tumor, fortunately, turned out to not be anything serious.)

But we'll see.
 
Country decided not to come. I think she'll be here the weekend after next, because Alt will be. Which is fine; if Country wants to only be here when her sibling is, I can live with that.

So I got to see Facets this weekend, which was a good thing. I told him how I'd been feeling about the lack of contact from him, and he said that's just how he is, he almost never initiates contact with anyone. He also wants to let me take the lead, because I've told him enough about myself that he worries about being pushy. He said he definitely wants to hear from me, and wants to see me, and heavily implied he would like to see me more often (at least more often than once every few weeks; it had been four weeks since the last time I saw him).

I'm glad I brought it up with him. I was going to just let it go, or rather just let *him* go. For once I decided to take my boyfriend's example; it doesn't seem to matter to him if people initiate contact or not, if he wants to talk to them, he does. It also doesn't occur to him that they might not want to hear from him, which of course is the biggest part of my problem. He's way more confident than I am.

But I followed his example with Facets, and it seems to have worked out well. And I'm glad. He's a nice guy, and even though there have been those not-so-great times with him, he's usually very considerate and respectful. And to be fair, the time that was the worst was mostly because of my incorrect perception that he was angry with me, though he did also seem to have been dishonest with me. I've let that one go.

Hopefully things will continue being good now that I've clarified why he doesn't reach out to me. Sexually and kinkily, he's what I've been looking for, and last night he pushed a couple of boundaries (with my consent) and I enjoyed that a lot more than I anticipated. So I'd like this to keep going well.
 
As far as I know, Country will be here tomorrow. Alt has been here all week, except for one night with my mother-in-law, and that's gone fairly well. It's odd having them here, though. Hard to explain why it's odd, it just is. They'll be here until the middle of next week; Country will only be here overnight tomorrow because she has to be back at school for her on-campus job.

I'm anxious about Country coming. Traffic around here is scary, and she had several near-misses with other cars the last time she was here. So I'm afraid she'll get into an accident. We're supposed to work on financial aid paperwork, and I'm worried we'll get into an argument about it, because that's what usually happens. And I'm worried about conflict with her, because that often happens to. But maybe tomorrow night/Saturday morning will be positive. I can hope.

Hubby's been away all week at a convention, but he comes back tomorrow. So the house will be full, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

The other night, I went out to dinner with my boyfriend and Facets. I'd been wanting them to meet for various reasons, and I figured they would get along well. They got along so well there were times I felt like I wasn't even there, because they were talking to each other about stuff I don't know anything about! That isn't a complaint; I'm glad they were that comfortable with each other.

And it was a turn-on for me being there with both of them. We were sitting in a wraparound booth, so I was able to sit between them, and both of them kept rubbing their legs against mine. It was definitely hot.

I felt kind of guilty, though, because if either of them asked me to go to dinner with them and another woman, I would flat out refuse. I told my boyfriend I felt guilty about it, and he said not to worry, we're different people and that's okay.

I'm seeing Facets on Saturday, and I'm looking forward to it but also feel weird about it because I would ordinarily be with my boyfriend since he won't be out of town or anything. I gave him "right of first refusal" over my Saturdays a long time ago. But he's happy for me that I'm seeing Facets, so he doesn't have a problem with me having a date with Facets instead of him. It just feels weird to me. But also good because... well, I get to see Facets.
 
Country's visit went well. No conflict at all, fortunately. She didn't talk to me much, but more than she has been lately, so that's a good thing.

Hubby's on his way back from taking Alt home. Tomorrow morning, I'll have total quiet again. I'm partly glad about that, but also partly sad. It was nice having the kids both here.

I was with Facets last night. I'm definitely falling for him. My boyfriend knows this and encouraged me to tell Facets, but I don't quite dare to. Not yet, anyway. But I did ask him to be my Dom, and he agreed, which makes me happy. Now I have two Doms and three partners... This is odd.
 
Perhaps it is odd, but when I think of how you were doing a couple of years ago, it is also great! I am happy for you.

Leetah
 
There hasn't been much going on. I'm still going back and forth with having issues about my boyfriend's girlfriend. I'm sure she's a perfectly nice person, but I don't feel ready to meet her, and sometimes he tells me things or I see things on Facebook that upset me. (She sometimes tags him on Facebook posts about their relationship, so they show up in my news feed.) But I'm trying not to let it get to me. I check in with my boyfriend fairly often about whether I'm being a bitch, and he says I'm not and that he understands what's going on with me.

That makes one of us...

Things are going well with Facets, too. Not really anything new going on with that, other than him pulling Dom rank to try to get me to eat healthier and exercise more. He thinks it will help me feel healthier and have a better opinion of myself and how I look. I'm not so sure about that. I used to be about 40 pounds lighter than I am right now, and I had a *worse* opinion of my appearance than I do now. At least now, sometimes I like what I see in the mirror on the rare occasions I look at my entire body instead of just my face. (I'm happy with my face. It's the rest of the body that's the problem.)

I'm trying to get a different kind of business going, rather than what I was trying before, but this one is harder. Motivational speaking, and speaking tied in with my young adult books. It's really difficult because to get speaking gigs to start with, I have to reach out for them. And reaching out to anyone for anything is not my strong point. It's something I would rather avoid, and feel very anxious about doing.

But my current part-time job is too far away for me to keep it much longer. Hubby is already encouraging me to quit, though he says he would want me to find another job. (Easier said than done; I've been looking for jobs closer to home for a month now and haven't been finding anything.) The only way I can really quit my current job is to find other ways to earn money, hence trying to get some speaking gigs going. And trying to get back into writing and publishing erotic fiction. My old stuff is with publishers, but I might self-publish the new stuff.

I'm feeling anxious about that too, though. And about submitting a story to an anthology that posted a call for submissions. The concept is right up my alley, but I haven't written anything erotic for publication in 3 years, and I doubt my skills at this point. My boyfriend and Facets both say they're going to encourage me and push me somewhat to do it, though. So we'll see.
 
I decided not to submit a story to the anthology I mentioned. I wrote a story, but it didn't turn out well enough to even spend the time it would take to revise it. I plan to rework it at some point, maybe even expand it into a novel or something. But it ins't something I think I can fix in time to meet the deadline for the anthology.

Plus, to be honest, I'm a little too anxious about the idea of submitting it. I need to write for the enjoyment of it for a while longer, I think, before I start trying to be published again.

I ended up quitting my job, though I'll still be there one day a week doing something in a different context.

Things are going all right with my boyfriend, other than one bump. Something happened with him and someone else a couple of weeks ago that caused me some major issues, and I almost broke up with him because of it. When I think about it, it still leaves me feeling seriously hurt and betrayed. But I'm trying to get past it because it isn't really something he did *to me*, and he has the right to do what he wants. I'm just waiting to see how it plays out, and meanwhile trying to enjoy the relationship.

I've only seen Facets once since the last time I posted here, because he was away for a while, then the weather interfered, and today something else interfered. I did get to see him the other night at karaoke, but that was it. And seeing him in a public place isn't really the same as being at his place with him, which is what I miss. Hopefully next weekend will work out!
 
I've gotten to be with Facets the past two weekends, which was awesome. Though I have to admit I was a little disappointed the first weekend. We hadn't been alone together in five weeks, and I had expectations of how things would go that weren't met. To be fair, they weren't clearly expressed either. But it was still a pretty good weekend, and this past weekend was completely awesome. He was really affectionate with me, kind of cuddly and gentle, which I like.

This past weekend, I asked him to take some pictures of me. Having any kind of pictures taken is something I usually hate, and I'm very rarely happy with pictures of me. I'd been asking Facets to take pictures for a while, because it was something he mentioned during our first conversation before we even met. I wanted to push some of my boundaries, but also I hoped that if the pictures turned out well, I might at least catch a glimpse of how I look to Facets and Hubby and my boyfriend. They all tell me I'm beautiful and sexy, but of course I don't usually see it.

Most of the pictures did turn out well. I posted some of them elsewhere, which was another big boundary push since not all of the pictures were exactly tame. (I set them so only certain people on that site can see them.) I cried when I posted them, because part of me was petrified that the people who could see them would lose respect for me. But I got positive reactions from several people, not so much for the pictures as for pushing those boundaries. My boyfriend even said he was proud of me.
 
I haven't blogged here in quite a while. Partly because some of the poly things I've been dealing with are about other people, and I can't write about other people's stuff and couldn't figure out how to talk about my feelings without talking about the stuff the feelings were about.

I'm not sure if that paragraph made sense...

Anyway. Still seeing Facets, but there have been problems lately. Some of the problems are completely on me, because they're caused by my feeling insecure about a new woman he's seeing. I know her; she's really nice, and we get along. But she has some qualities I don't have, that I keep thinking Facets prefers, so that leads to some issues on my part. Facets tells me to stop comparing myself to her, because *he* doesn't compare us. He doesn't understand that I'm not comparing myself to her because I think he does; it's just because I've spent too much of my life being "not good enough," so it's easy for me to fall into the trap of feeling not good enough for the people who are currently in my life.

He and I had a difficult conversation yesterday. Some of it was really beneficial, and made me feel more confident and positive in the relationship. But there was one component of the conversation that he brought up in a way that pinged my "I shouldn't want sex, I'm a horrible person for wanting it" button, and I'm still processing through that. He did NOT mean it that way; he made that very clear. But it hit one of my deeper emotional wounds, so it's going to take some work on my part to get past it. And honestly, part of me feels like the subject of that part of the conversation means he and I aren't compatible at this point, and feeling that way isn't helping me get past what he said because I wonder if it's worth putting in the emotional labor for a relationship I'm not sure is viable.

But then I remember the rest of that conversation, and things he said that reassured me about our relationship and how he feels about me, and I believe the relationship *is* viable. He's good for me in a lot of ways, and he understands that sometimes I feel unhappy or upset about things, and that sometimes I don't perceive things accurately, and he's always willing to talk it through with me. Which was something I was afraid to try to do for quite a while, because he told me in the beginning that he doesn't like drama, and I was afraid he would see me trying to discuss issues I have as drama. But he doesn't.

Still seeing my boyfriend as well, and dealing with some insecurity in that relationship too. But that's nothing new in my relationship with him. We always talk things out, and everything ends up okay.

Things are same old, same old with Hubby. Right now we're in a period of him making more of an effort to stay connected with me and interact with me, which I appreciate, but it goes in stages. He'll be more attentive to me for a few weeks, but then slides back to always being on his computer when he's home. Maybe the period of connectedness will last longer this time.

I went through about a month and a half of severe depression, which started slightly before my last entry and got worse through the month of February. It was the deepest, longest period of depression I've ever had, and to be honest, it scared me. I'm incredibly thankful to Hubby and my boyfriend for supporting me through it, and to Facets for hanging in there through it. (I didn't talk to him about what was going on, but I was acting differently and I'm pretty sure he noticed something was wrong.) Fortunately, the depression started to lift a couple weeks ago. I'm still not all the way out of it, but things are a LOT brighter than they were, and I think they're going to keep getting better.
 
Do you know what brought on the depression? Do you suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder)?

I know you have psychological issues, but I have to say, you must have a lot of love and good things to offer, carrying on a marriage, a long term relationship with Boyfriend, and a newer relationship with Facets!
 
Yes, I do have SAD, on top of Major Depressive Disorder. So winters tend to be harder on me than the rest of the year anyway. I think this year, it was made even worse by not having a job, though last winter (2016-17) was the first year I'd had a job in quite a while. Then again, before that I still had the kids at home and was spending quite a bit of time transporting Country, supporting Alt emotionally, etc. So this was the first year with no job *and* no kids.

I sometimes don't feel like I have anything to offer, but my guys keep telling me I'm wrong about that, so I tend to listen to them.
 
And things continue mostly status quo...

I've had some serious discussions with Facets about the issues I have with our relationship. The sex thing got resolved first, though I think he still doesn't understand that when he says things like "You want sex all the time," I don't hear that as a positive thing. (He doesn't mean it positively, but he doesn't mean it negatively either. To him it's just a thing.)

But things generally were getting worse in that relationship, partly because of misperceptions I had about his other relationship, and partly because he was saying things that came across to me as extremely critical of me. It got bad enough that I was right on the verge of breaking up with him, especially since I'd been crying to my boyfriend about it for too long. My boyfriend doesn't mind me talking to him about issues with Hubby or Facets, and Hubby and Facets both know I do it, but that doesn't mean I want to spend much time with my boyfriend processing my other relationships.

Last week, Facets gave me a homework assignment to either watch blow job videos or go to a class one of the local kink groups was giving. He also doesn't quite get that oral sex, while not a trigger for me the way it used to be, is not my favorite thing, and I don't really care if I know how to do it well or know various techniques, because I avoid doing it as much as possible. I was upset and anxious about that assignment, but I chose to go to the class because some people I know were going, including Facets's other partner.

I know common wisdom is don't talk to your metamours about problems with the shared partner, but she had to talk me down from panic mode (which was about the class, not Facets), and in the course of that the issues I was having with Facets kind of spilled out. I told her I was sorry for unloading it on her, and she said it was okay. She encouraged me to talk to Facets and really get him to listen, and she also said a couple of things that took away some of the misperceptions I was having about their relationship.

So over the weekend, I sat Facets down and got him to actually focus on what I was saying. I told him that he often sounds critical, and that while I can take *constructive* criticism, he wasn't being constructive. I pointed out that he already knows I have low self-esteem, and he said, "Yes, and I'm helping you with that." I said, "No, you aren't; the way you phrase things is making it worse." I gave him examples of how he could phrase things so I hear it as suggestions and constructive criticism, rather than hearing it as things that make me feel like shit. He said he saw my point and would try to be more mindful about how he says things. It ended up being a really good weekend, so I think things are going to improve.

This week, I met a guy I clicked with, and he asked me out to lunch today. Unfortunately, there's an issue that means I'm unlikely to get involved with him beyond friendship, but he said he's cool with just being friends. Which is good; I can use more friends.
 
I'm not sure how I'm feeling about poly right now, or at least about my relationships.

I was supposed to see Facets this weekend. He texted Saturday morning to say he didn't want to see me that day. That was okay; he had a valid reason. But I immediately texted back to ask if we could get together for a while Sunday, and he didn't answer.

I texted him Sunday about something else. He didn't answer.

I texted him twice yesterday, once to tell him I'd gotten a haircut (he asked me to grow out my hair; I got it cut to even it up) and then several hours later to ask if he's okay. He hasn't answered.

I don't know what's going on, obviously, because he isn't answering me. He has known from the start that I need to have contact with a partner at least a few times a week to keep that connection in place, and he has promised me he would always answer my texts, though it might take a day or so, and that he would never ghost me. Just a few weeks ago, I told him I was afraid he would just decide to be done with me and cut ties, and he said, "Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere."

Lately, he hasn't been answering all of my texts. He's not answered almost half of them. I don't text him often; this time, texting him three days in a row, is an exception. Usually I text him just 2-3 times a week, one of which is to confirm whether we're getting together on the weekend. I believe he texts more frequently with his other partner, and actually answers her every time she texts; at least that's been implied. So it's hurtful to me that lately he has stopped answering all of my texts, especially when he promised he always would answer them, and I've taken into account that he might be busy and so have waited a day or two with no responses a few times.

Because I'm me, my knee-jerk reaction is to assume he's pissed off at me about something, or is just tired of being with me, and that's why he isn't answering my texts since Saturday. (He has said he would never stop speaking to me if he's mad; he might take some space to calm down but would let me know he's angry. And I can't think of anything I've done that would have pissed him off. But fear and logic don't always match.) Something else might be going on. Like I said, I don't know, because I have no way of knowing if he won't answer my texts. He could be busy, but I would like to think that even if he's busy, if he got a text saying "Are you okay" he would take a moment to answer.

I'm not going to send him anymore texts at this point. I'm still hoping he'll answer. I think if I haven't heard from him by tomorrow night, I might message his other partner and see if she's heard anything from him. If she says she has, that will hurt because it will mean him not answering me is something about me, but at least I would know he's okay. And if she says she hasn't, at least I would know it isn't something about me.

Meanwhile, Saturday night, since I wasn't seeing Facets, I went to my boyfriend's to hang out with a few people. But his newest partner was there, and the only other people there were a couple. I felt like I was intruding on my metamour's time and space (even though my boyfriend had told her I was coming, and he had said it was okay), I felt like a fifth wheel, and I completely felt like I didn't belong in that house, which sucks because usually his house is one of my safe spaces. I only lasted about 10 minutes before I told him I couldn't handle it and was leaving. Tonight's my night with him, and I'm not sure how I feel about going to his house after feeling so out of place and intrusive there on Saturday.
 
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