New, need advice

N

NewbieWife9999

New member
Hello! I stumbled across this forum in my extensive google searches for advice on my situation. I’m hoping that someone may be able to give me some clarity.

My husband and I have been together for 17 years, married for 6. I recently discovered he has been having an affair for around 2 years. We fought, discussed, got really honest, and talked some more. In a nutshell, we are going to marriage counseling, we want to stay together, we are still in love, and we want to open our marriage to include a girlfriend that both of us are involved with. My husband wants to bring in the woman he had the affair with. His hope is that we can have a triad relationship where our marriage would stay the primary relationship but we would include her as our girlfriend. (Obviously as someone brand new to this idea I have no clue yet how the details would work). I said that I would feel more comfortable with a fresh start dating someone new. He asked me to think about it, and he will respect my decision on it. I keep wavering back and forth. I am 100% ok with opening our marriage to include another woman, but I think that jealousy might be a problem for me because of their history. His take is that she is someone who he knows already, that is a good hearted person and thinks that I would like spending time with also.

I think about it, and in some respects I think if we all agree to our boundaries we could make it work, then I kind of shake myself and think I’m insane for even considering it. But I’m not sure if that’s just from being brought up without having any frame of reference for any other type of lifestyle.

(He broke it off with her immediately when I found out, and he has not spoken to her since so this is all assuming she would be on board in the first place)
 
I hate to be the first to rain on your parade, but this is a bad idea.

Triads like you describe are doomed to failure most of the time. Who wants to be a third wheel to the whims of a couple? If you want an open marriage, then open it. It's much easier than trying to keep a unicorn.

Do a search for "unicorn hunters" either on here or on google.
 
No, I appreciate any feedback negative or positive. I feel I can’t look at any of this objectively and I don’t have any friends with any frame of reference for this.
 
You will probably hear a lot of negative about this. Don't take it personally. Nobody thinks you have bad intentions. It's just common for couples who are new to non-monogamy to try and move forward as a couple, as opposed to being two autonomous people. That is generally frowned upon in the poly community. It's more prevalent in the swinging community.

That's not to say triads can't work. They just work better if they come about organically and all 3 have a more equal footing than a couple plus one.

When you sort this out you want to start with how you guys went from a cheating husband to wanting to be in some form of triad. Are you bi? Have you been wanting to have a relationship with a woman? Is this some way for your husband to have his cake and eat it too? Is he secure in "letting" you have sex with women, but not men? All things to consider.
 
What were the reasons why he cheated? If the two of you have not worked through those issues, opening the marriage and trying to date together will be pointless.

People in existing couples often think that dating together will fix the the original couple's problems. It won't. Instead it will amplify any fissures, problems or concerns in your relationship that exist now. It will also generate entirely new problems to deal with. Dating together will not fix insecurity, jealousy, lack of trust, or other issue that one or both people in a couple have. Also, assuming that you two find someone, now you have pulled a third, often unsuspecting person into your relationship issues. This is cruel and will be painful for all involved.

Are you bisexual or attracted to women? You don't mention it. Do you even want to be sexually or romantically involved with another woman? Would you want to possibly date men?

Poly or opening a relationship can sometimes help couples who struggle with mismatched sexual libidos, incompatible desires (like one partner wants a certain kink and the other has no interest). Trying poly or openin up very rarely addresses the underlying relationship problems. Don't open up to fix cheating. It hardly ever works.

Instead keep addressing the problems in the marriage, work to resolve those. Then if opening up is still of interest to you both, try it out. But don't treat poly as a relationship bandaid. It will only make things worse and likely really hurt a bystander.

Oh, and trying to date the woman your husband cheated on you with is an epically bad idea. How could you ever trust either of them? And that's even assuming that you could be attracted to someone who helped your partner betray you. Just don't. Perhaps you two could get to a point where your husband could see her separately. But that may be years away. And why would she be interested in dating you? Is she bi? Also he's dropped her like a hot rock after the truth came out. Why would she sign up for more shitty treatment?

Get your relationship house in order first. Then maybe poly or open may work for you both. Good luck.
 
http://davidlnoble.livejournal.com/176039.html

I would start by reading this.

I will also be second to rain on your parade...

Polyamory is about the worst thing you can do to try and fix a broken marriage. Poly is complicated at times and can be hard. It will magnify every issue in your marriage a thousand fold.
 
I don't know if this helps you any.

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

My questions are...

1)Why did the cheating happen? How will that be resolved? What stops people from cheating on their new poly agreements? It isn't polyamory is magically "cheater proof." It is possible to cheat on poly agreements just like it is possible to cheat on mono agreements.

2) What are the deal breakers?


3) Why does it have to be with the cheating affair partner? Since he broke it off already why not let chapter remain closed and start from a clean slate AFTER he has made amends and both of you have repaired broken trust?

3) Why does it have to be a GF you both share? Rather than each of you dating outside the marriage separately? Why a woman? What if you prefer dating a man on your side?

4) What happens if/when you outgrow the primary/secondary model? Any other models you are willing to practice together or is that the only one?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/models-of-open-relationships

5) If after trying new things this marriage still has to end in order for you two to remain in right relationship... how would you like it that go? Because sometimes people are so bent on "save the marriage at all costs!" that they ignore the health and well being of the people. I would put the health of the people first and allow the relationship shape to change to what fits that best. "Marriage shape" might not be it any more. "Good exes and friends" might be a more natural shape so people aren't bending themselves into pretzels.

Sometimes people reach for poly in order to avoid breaking up... and end up dragging out the pain rather than solving it. Like circling the drain.

So... maybe some things to think about.

I think about it, and in some respects I think if we all agree to our boundaries we could make it work, then I kind of shake myself and think I’m insane for even considering it
Click to expand...

I think you mean "if we all keep our AGREEMENTS." Boundaries are things you set up for YOU to obey.

I can have a boundary of "I do not lend my stuff to careless people."

If you borrow my lawn mower and return it broken and do not offer to replace or repair or even apologize? Then next week you want to borrow my vacuum?

I have to obey my personal boundary, not you. *I* have to tell you "No. You may not borrow it." Because that keeps me safe from any new shenanigans. You don't have to keep the boundary. It is not for you. *I* have to keep it.

The consequence *I* can do is not to lend you any more of my stuff.

When it comes to agreements? Your personal boundary might be something like "I cannot work with people who don't keep their Word and cheat on agreements. I can give X chances and after that I don't engage any more. No more agreements with them."

The other person can keep on breaking their Word and agreements with other people if they want to. Just that YOU do not make any more with them and you don't get dinged any more.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you for the article link, that gave me a very good perspective on where I’m looking at this all wrong.

In response to some of the common questions, I am sexually attracted to women but I have never had a same sex relationship. I’ve been with my husband since I was 19, and I have been monogamous for our entire relationship so I never really took the opportunity to explore those feelings . I honestly do not know if she is bisexual. When I brought up that point to my husband he told me she previously expressed interest in being involved with us both but I honestly don’t remember the exact wording.

I am obviously very naive in all of this! In my head, if I was considering any of this I was planning/thinking of approaching her individually and seeing if we could build anything between me and her without him in the mix at all. One of the points I brought up to him in our last conversation was actually that it’s a shitty thing to do to someone to break up with them and then give her false hope at getting back together. (I am DEFINITELY not trying to pat myself on the back here at all, just that I do recognize this). But yeah that’s a pretty stupid idea now that I’m looking at it in writing.

Anyway, again I appreciate all of your advice and comments. We obviously have work to do on our relationship and we have an upcoming appointment with a marriage counselor to do that.
 
For a marriage to recover from cheating is already hard. For it to recover from cheating while making the cheating partner official? I'm skeptical. Several problems here.

  1. Recovering from cheating. You will be faced with a sense of betrayal to some or the other degree, and legitimizing the other partner only appears to rub it in that what happened was "right". I don't know many people who could emotionally reconcile to that or whether it is healthy to do so.
  2. Opening up your marriage while there are problems between the two of you is a bad idea.
  3. Even if you were to open your marriage, opening it to a cheating partner may not result in stable relationship for anyone.
 
Hello NewbieWife9999,

I won't necessarily advise against having a M/F+F triad, I won't even advise against bringing in the woman he had the affair with. I will say be slow, be careful, and be aware of the dangers. There are many obstacles in your path, as the others have mentioned.

Whomever you bring in, make sure they are 100% informed and consenting, to everything you want to do. Make sure they are okay with being a secondary partner, and with not having specific say/privileges in comparison to the primary relationship. Describe to them, early on, before they get committed or emotionally involved, exactly how they will be at a disadvantage. They have to know before they can consent.

Besides that, I want to say that I am sorry your husband cheated on you. That is a hard thing to overcome. You need to be able to trust him again, eventually, if you're going to stay with him. I hope he will step up to the plate and earn your trust.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Ugh, how I hate that term "bringing in." It implies Cheater Woman is joining into your marriage. She is not. She is having an affair with Cheater Husband. You are Wronged Wife.

Even if Cheater Husband had not betrayed you (for two years!) and you two were already cleanly Open or Polyamorous, and you both happened to meet her one magical night and she was magically attracted to both of you equally, and you were both magically attracted to her equally, you still wouldn't be "bringing her in to your marriage." There would be 3 V's and one triad.

Husband and new person
New person and you
You and husband
All 3 of you in a triad (a brand new relationship, not a sudden 2+1 marriage)

There is no 2+1 "bringing in."

How could you think so badly of yourself you'd try and date/fuck a woman who fucked your husband behind your back for 2 years?? She is not "good-hearted." She's a dishonest person. And so is your husband. Of course he wants you both in bed at once, it's the most popular male fantasy. It's gross they imagined/fantasised you being in bed with them, while betraying you. Ugh.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello NewbieWife9999,

I won't necessarily advise against having a M/F+F triad, I won't even advise against bringing in the woman he had the affair with. I will say be slow, be careful, and be aware of the dangers. There are many obstacles in your path, as the others have mentioned.

Whomever you bring in, make sure they are 100% informed and consenting, to everything you want to do. Make sure they are okay with being a secondary partner, and with not having specific say/privileges in comparison to the primary relationship.
Click to expand...

Who said anything about Cheater Woman being "secondary?" They've already had a vibrant relationship for 2 years!! Why are you suggesting she be always secondary? Maybe she (and Cheater Husband) want her to be a co-primary.

Describe to them, early on, before they get committed or emotionally involved, exactly how they will be at a disadvantage. They have to know before they can consent.
Click to expand...

The OP doesn't say she wants Cheater Woman to be secondary. And I am sure Cheater Woman and Cheater Husband are already extremely emotionally involved. I feel you're not seeing the whole picture.

Did you and your gf and her husband agree you'd always be secondary? I thought you were co-primaries. You all live together.
 
Magdlyn said:
Who said anything about Cheater Woman being "secondary?" They've already had a vibrant relationship for 2 years!! Why are you suggesting she be always secondary? Maybe she (and Cheater Husband) want her to be a co-primary.



The OP doesn't say she wants Cheater Woman to be secondary. And I am sure Cheater Woman and Cheater Husband are already extremely emotionally involved. I feel you're not seeing the whole picture.

Did you and your gf and her husband agree you'd always be secondary? I thought you were co-primaries. You all live together.
Click to expand...


Says so here, in the original post:

His hope is that we can have a triad relationship where our marriage would stay the primary relationship but we would include her as our girlfriend.
 
Glad the link helped.

I hope the marriage counseling appointment also helps. I think you might be in shock/bargaining stage in your grief process.

I would put the brakes on opening marriage and focus on cheating repairs if you two plan to stay together. Starting too many new things at once is not good. And in this case? "Relationship broken, add more people" just would compound the stress. It would not take away from it.

If you guys eventually Open and you want to date women? Date separately. I know that a "shared GF" might be the easiest to imagine because it is "Just like now but +1." But that is not the reality. Triads are 3 V's stacked up together -- many hats being worn by few people. It is INTENSE relating. So why start there?

Rather that one side dates first for a bit... adjust to that. Then the other side dates and adjust to that. But NOT date the same person. So that adjustment stress is reduced?

Some things in life cannot be helped. Accidents, illness. Those are stressful. But the timing of some things CAN be helped and piling on a bunch of new things at once... ADDS to stress. Seek to TAKE AWAY from stress.

You've had enough of a shock realizing this 2 year affair was going on behind your back. It's ok to slow things WAY down so you can heal and get your bearings.

Galagirl
 
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ref2018 said:
Says so here, in the original post:

His hope is that we can have a triad relationship where our marriage would stay the primary relationship but we would include her as our girlfriend.
Click to expand...

That statement right there screams couple privilege.

People are not sex toys to spice up your relationship, fix your marriage, or share like a piece of cake.
 
Re (from Magdlyn):
"Did you and your gf and her husband agree you'd always be secondary? I thought you were co-primaries. You all live together."
Click to expand...

Right, we are co-primaries. Always have been (since our V started).

In Post #1, it says,
"My husband wants to bring in the woman he had the affair with. His hope is that we can have a triad relationship where our marriage would stay the primary relationship but we would include her as our girlfriend."
Click to expand...

So, from that, I gathered that whoever was "brought in" would be a secondary partner.

Which is the definition of couple privilege, but if the secondary partner consents to being secondary, I don't object.

Secondaries' Bill of Rights
 
I apologise. I missed that part, or forgot.

I think it would be an empty promise. I'm sure Cheater Husband and Cheater Mistress have bonded deeply from all the sneaking around. And they managed to keep a lie going for 2 years. Why would you believe them when they "promise" Cheater Mistress would "be secondary?"

What does secondary mean? He won't move her in right away? He will only see her X times a month? No long weekends together, no vacations, no meeting each other's friends and families?

Does she live close by or did he see her on "business trips?"
 
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