New. Need help.

R

Rollercoaster88

New member
My wife and I have been doing poly/open for 3 months now. So far we’ve both been involved with one guy (I’m not bi). Anyway he’s awesome, great guy. I cannot get past this visceral reaction when she talks about having feelings for him etc. when I think about it abstractly, I feel happy for her and all good things. The moment she says something though it is like a punch in the gut. Any advice on how to get past this? It’s not a rational response and I tell myself that, but it keeps happening. We’re both kind of emotionally drained from my roller coaster to the point she’s talked about just canceling the whole thing. Help please
 
3 months in is not very long. It's ok to feel roller coaster-y. You sound like you want to be here. Maybe just weather it out a little better.

Maybe a visual aid helps? In the middle of this article there is one for the stages of emotional change. Note that there is a track A and a track B. Because your experience of this unfolding may be one way and wife's another.

Transitions: managing personal and organizational change

Article describing the transition process, its effects on our work & personal and implications for managers.
www.eoslifework.co.uk

Right now thinking about it abstractly is easier than details.

Is she gushing at you about her NRE lalas? If so? Maybe wife shares her feelings about her new guy LESS with you and writes it in a journal and/or tells safe friends.

She could invite you to read the journal at YOUR pace if she wants. Then she can let it out whenever she needs, and you can pick it up when you need. Like spacing it out some and not gushing at you.

Over time you could let the "buffer journal" go and talk to each other about it without causing you stress.

You might also examine this.

The moment she says something though it is like a punch in the gut.
Click to expand...

To me feelings ensue after action behavior or thinking behavior. When you hear her say things (stimulus), you might think ____. And that thinking feels like a punch in the gut. So what is it you think in that moment? Can you articulate it?

We’re both kind of emotionally drained from my roller coaster to the point she’s talked about just canceling the whole thing. Help please
Click to expand...

Long term couples are sometimes too enmeshed. Used to having the other spouse for everything. Best friend, sounding board, dating advice, etc. You don't HAVE to wear so many hats.

Could talk to people OUTSIDE the system to get some perspective and alleviate some of the load. A transition time is just gonna be weird. If you are talking about quitting -- well, one can always choose to stop. But look at the visual aid. While it's not perfect time table since people are different, it's on there. The "crossroads" place right after crisis where the paths diverge.

So maybe knowing that place IS a stage helps? Like you aren't crazy, there's a process unfolding here. And yeah, the pinchy place pinches... it tends to.

Galagirl
 
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Galagirl gave some great advice.

I'd like point out that polyamory doesn't have to be done as a unit, where the two of you get involved a threesome. She can date Mr X separately. That way you wouldn't even need to witness the googly eyes. But of course, if you like the MFM sex, by all means, go ahead. However, if you tire of that, you can quit, while she continues to date the guy. You're not attached at the hip.
 
Could you try just letting yourself feel the punch in the gut, and doing nothing about it? Like, feel it and let the feeling pass. Don't complain to your wife that her comments feel like punches in the gut--treat it as a symptom you have to just deal on your own. It will go away, much like a passing stomach pain.

Sometimes visceral reactions are a sign that you are uncomfortable with something and your body is telling you, "Stop!" But I don't think that's the case here--you seem mentally on board with poly and you think your visceral reaction is irrational.

Just feel the gut punch and let it pass. We have this idea that sexual jealousy is so powerful and all-consuming that it drives people to kill, or to die from despair. But sometimes if you just let yourself feel a feeling, it's not really as big or as bad as you feared. It might be just a moment of sadness or anger or pain, and then it fades.
 
Greetings Rollercoaster88,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

People often think that polyamorists do not experience jealousy ... but such is not the case. Polyamorists can definitely feel jealous, and do. It's not about how to eliminate jealousy completely, it's about how to manage it, and maybe even notice if you feel jealous for an external reason -- that you are being treated unfairly. You have to examine your jealousy, and see if that is the case for you. Meanwhile, here are some resources that might help:
I hope this thread so far has been helpful to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 
Hi, I’m brand new here but have been messing around with open / poly with my wife on and off for the last 18 months, and reading your post I felt like I could have written it.
I’m 100% fine with my wife having other sexual partners, but for some reason the thought of her forming emotional bonds / feelings for them kicks me like a mule every time. She has a thing with a good freind of mine, and I know they have strong feelings towards each other. Every time I think about that I get knocked down.

I have some (a lot?) issues around self worth and the insecurities that come with that which is likely the reason I get hit with that emotional response on a near daily basis.

If I can offer my two cents worth (and it’s probably worth less than two cents), it’s to maintain communication at all costs.
With her, with him and if you can talk as group then do that too.
I’ve been at the bottom of the jealousy pit while they’re both having fun and it’s a shit place to be, especially if you haven’t communicated to them that you feel like that.
If your situation is anything like mine then they don’t want you to feel like that, and communication is the way to lessen the blow.
Like I said, I get that response frequently, but if I tell her, she reminds me why she loves me and the emotion drains away.
 
Think you’ve got some really good advice already.

i could only add a few comments: try and find out what level of sharing you’re comfortable with. This comes down to consent and what you’re OK with. She needs to respect this (and vice versa). That does lead to a load of taking up front - “I want to know if you have sex but not if you kiss, and ask me if I’m ok receiving details in the moment” kind of things.

Apart from a therapist (which if they understand poly I think is super useful!) schedule reconnection time, where it’s about you two.
Try and find out where the gut punch comes from (I.e what feeling) - jealousy? Envy? Insecurity / self worth? All those feelings are legitimate and totally OK to have. How you feel them however can be managed / controlled if you know what triggers them and what would help that underlying feeling. For example if you feel jealous, doing an activity together that reaffirms commitment towards each other can help to mute that feeling...

3 months isn’t long, took me 6 to get comfortable with it and another few more to start my own journey.
Stay strong
 
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