TransBabyPoly
New member
I've been reading through this forum a bit and am curious about your thoughts with on current situation. (Strap in, it's a long one.)
About 11 months ago, my partner, Red (32f) of 11 years blindsided me (36MtF) that she was poly and wanted to open the relationship. (We lived together the whole time.) It was a full ultimatum of "this happens, or it's over." After a few hours of contemplation and talking, we decided to hold off until I was able to process this and see if poly was for me. (I'd never considered it before,) She encouraged me to talk to other people, set up dates, etc., but I was struggling with it because I was still processing and learning about the poly world.
About a month later, she invited a coworker (Blue) and her girlfriend over to just hang for a double date. Two days later, the Blue's gf broke up with her. Red invited Blue over so we could cheer her up by hanging out. We all clicked and hung out a lot for about 2-3 weeks. One day, Red asked me if I liked Blue, because she was crushing on her, and I answered honestly, yes, but needed time to process these new feelings and situation. Two hangouts later, Red asked Blue to be in a triad with us.
I was shocked and hurt by this... which should have been red flag #2.
The triad started well, but Red was all about Blue. She quickly became Red's focus in every aspect. After about two weeks, I talked with Red and explained that I was still having issues with the situation. We decided to have a full meeting. Blue was very understanding and agreed my feelings were valid, as she was getting overwhelmed as well. This didn't seem to register with Red. For the next couple weeks, it was hot and heavy with sexual activity. Then, out of nowhere, Red came to me and said she wanted to deescalate with Blue. When I inquired why, she stated was that it had moved too fast and she hadn't had time to really get to know her... so she did... kind of.
Blue was kept at arm's distance from then onward, until about 3 months ago. During that time, she and I became a lot closer, and Red and I started to fade. When I approached Red about it, she stated she just wasn't sure with Blue. She wanted to date other people, but not break it off with Blue. (She never did, as far as we knew, but she always liked to mention she was talking with somebody new and how much she liked them, which changed every few weeks.)
Now in the ~ last month, Red finally pulled the trigger and ended it with Blue. Blue was crushed, as she was trying to repair that side of the triangle. Blue and I stayed together. It got messy for a bit. My relationship with Red was struggling very badly at this point. (I feel mostly because I was thrown into something I wasn't ready for yet. I take full responsibility for getting myself involved, anyway.)
During the shakeup of the ~ last month, about two days after breaking it off with Blue, Red asked if it was okay to go out dating other people without me. I was hurt and confused. Two days after dumping somebody and their original partnership on VERY unstable ground, they wanted to go be with other people. Okay... I was in a separate relationship at that point, and figured it was only fair. (I did have my hang-ups still, going from mono to triad to poly so quickly. I never really had time to process a lot of the chaos that went with it, including my first threesome, her being romantically involved with someone else, etc. I voiced these concerns, but still gave my blessing, as previously mentioned.)
Red and I began to have more issues (including financial) and we decided that I should get my own place, because her name was on the lease and her parents would help her cover rent, but not if I lived there. (Her parents and I never got along.) We stressed very strongly to each other that we were still partnered, all discussed ground rules were still in place, etc.
And finally, why I'm here for advice (sorry for the long backstory, but feel it's relevant):
I got back from a business trip late on a Saturday, gone since early, early Tuesday. Red mentioned she'd scheduled a hangout with a new person (Green) she'd started talking to about a week before I left on the trip on Sunday. She stressed it was completely platonic because she was in no emotional or mental state to date and that Green was aware of this. I moved out on Wednesday. By Sunday (one week after first meeting and first time I've seen her in person since moving) Red told me that they were going to pursue a possible romantic relationship. I asked if that was why I hadn't been able to see her, because she's been "so busy lately," and she confirmed it. I inquired if we could have a couple evenings together because I missed them. Again, busy schedule, because they made plans for every day except Wednesday (one week from move) and a "maybe Saturday if she doesn't want to do anything." This hurt.
So when she came over Wednesday, I broke down. I relayed that I felt pushed aside and not an important part of her life anymore, that I was worried this was the end. She mentioned that Green (they're still not official yet) had stayed over every night since I left at that point, which is why she was so busy. Big hurt there.
We decided to do an overnight Friday into Saturday anyway, because we needed the time together (but only if her new roommate, Purple [not in the romantic scene with this] didn't have band practice, so she and he could hang, out since they hadn't had the chance because of the new friend). Purple did not have practice, so there was no overnight for me on Friday. I had a random brain worm that evening at around 9 p.m. and while we were texting, asked her if Green was over there. She said yes, she'd just showed up. My heart just dropped.
So that brings us to Saturday (just yesterday). Red came over 2 hours after we had planned. I explained that I really felt blown off, dismissed, and extremely hurt. We'd had plans, and I was shoved aside because of Green. She agreed it wasn't right and apologized. We continued on our day together.
Green kept popping up in conversation. At one point, I mentioned that I felt like the new relationship was happening very fast and I wanted Red to be safe. She agreed and even mentioned she was concerned she was being love bombed. (Which she absolutely is. The biggest tell for me was when she said Green offered to pay off her debt, which is in the thousands...) We talked more throughout the day and nailed down days we could hang out and spend much-needed quality time together, just the two of us. Yay, progress, right?
Not really. It hit me today that those days are all days that Green is going to be out of town. Our new scheduled date night? Same date night as Green and her wife. When I asked about this, I was told, "Well, it's just easier that way, because she's busy at that time, anyway." So basically, my schedule with my original partner is now based around this new relationship.
So, all in all, I know this is a lot to parse. But here's my main issues that I'm struggling with and would like some outside perspective:
A. Do you think it's NRE for Red when it comes to these new partners?
B. Am I wrong for being hurt and feeling like I'm being cast aside?
C. Were all the warning signs from the beginning, where I felt pushed when I wasn't ready, correct, and should I consider ending it fully?
D. Am I overthinking this?
P.S. Blue (from the triad) and I are doing well. We're adjusting nicely and healing from what went on with that crumbling of the triangle with Red. She's worried about my emotional health, but doesn't want to get involved or sway me either direction, which I respect so much.
About 11 months ago, my partner, Red (32f) of 11 years blindsided me (36MtF) that she was poly and wanted to open the relationship. (We lived together the whole time.) It was a full ultimatum of "this happens, or it's over." After a few hours of contemplation and talking, we decided to hold off until I was able to process this and see if poly was for me. (I'd never considered it before,) She encouraged me to talk to other people, set up dates, etc., but I was struggling with it because I was still processing and learning about the poly world.
About a month later, she invited a coworker (Blue) and her girlfriend over to just hang for a double date. Two days later, the Blue's gf broke up with her. Red invited Blue over so we could cheer her up by hanging out. We all clicked and hung out a lot for about 2-3 weeks. One day, Red asked me if I liked Blue, because she was crushing on her, and I answered honestly, yes, but needed time to process these new feelings and situation. Two hangouts later, Red asked Blue to be in a triad with us.
I was shocked and hurt by this... which should have been red flag #2.
The triad started well, but Red was all about Blue. She quickly became Red's focus in every aspect. After about two weeks, I talked with Red and explained that I was still having issues with the situation. We decided to have a full meeting. Blue was very understanding and agreed my feelings were valid, as she was getting overwhelmed as well. This didn't seem to register with Red. For the next couple weeks, it was hot and heavy with sexual activity. Then, out of nowhere, Red came to me and said she wanted to deescalate with Blue. When I inquired why, she stated was that it had moved too fast and she hadn't had time to really get to know her... so she did... kind of.
Blue was kept at arm's distance from then onward, until about 3 months ago. During that time, she and I became a lot closer, and Red and I started to fade. When I approached Red about it, she stated she just wasn't sure with Blue. She wanted to date other people, but not break it off with Blue. (She never did, as far as we knew, but she always liked to mention she was talking with somebody new and how much she liked them, which changed every few weeks.)
Now in the ~ last month, Red finally pulled the trigger and ended it with Blue. Blue was crushed, as she was trying to repair that side of the triangle. Blue and I stayed together. It got messy for a bit. My relationship with Red was struggling very badly at this point. (I feel mostly because I was thrown into something I wasn't ready for yet. I take full responsibility for getting myself involved, anyway.)
During the shakeup of the ~ last month, about two days after breaking it off with Blue, Red asked if it was okay to go out dating other people without me. I was hurt and confused. Two days after dumping somebody and their original partnership on VERY unstable ground, they wanted to go be with other people. Okay... I was in a separate relationship at that point, and figured it was only fair. (I did have my hang-ups still, going from mono to triad to poly so quickly. I never really had time to process a lot of the chaos that went with it, including my first threesome, her being romantically involved with someone else, etc. I voiced these concerns, but still gave my blessing, as previously mentioned.)
Red and I began to have more issues (including financial) and we decided that I should get my own place, because her name was on the lease and her parents would help her cover rent, but not if I lived there. (Her parents and I never got along.) We stressed very strongly to each other that we were still partnered, all discussed ground rules were still in place, etc.
And finally, why I'm here for advice (sorry for the long backstory, but feel it's relevant):
I got back from a business trip late on a Saturday, gone since early, early Tuesday. Red mentioned she'd scheduled a hangout with a new person (Green) she'd started talking to about a week before I left on the trip on Sunday. She stressed it was completely platonic because she was in no emotional or mental state to date and that Green was aware of this. I moved out on Wednesday. By Sunday (one week after first meeting and first time I've seen her in person since moving) Red told me that they were going to pursue a possible romantic relationship. I asked if that was why I hadn't been able to see her, because she's been "so busy lately," and she confirmed it. I inquired if we could have a couple evenings together because I missed them. Again, busy schedule, because they made plans for every day except Wednesday (one week from move) and a "maybe Saturday if she doesn't want to do anything." This hurt.
So when she came over Wednesday, I broke down. I relayed that I felt pushed aside and not an important part of her life anymore, that I was worried this was the end. She mentioned that Green (they're still not official yet) had stayed over every night since I left at that point, which is why she was so busy. Big hurt there.
We decided to do an overnight Friday into Saturday anyway, because we needed the time together (but only if her new roommate, Purple [not in the romantic scene with this] didn't have band practice, so she and he could hang, out since they hadn't had the chance because of the new friend). Purple did not have practice, so there was no overnight for me on Friday. I had a random brain worm that evening at around 9 p.m. and while we were texting, asked her if Green was over there. She said yes, she'd just showed up. My heart just dropped.
So that brings us to Saturday (just yesterday). Red came over 2 hours after we had planned. I explained that I really felt blown off, dismissed, and extremely hurt. We'd had plans, and I was shoved aside because of Green. She agreed it wasn't right and apologized. We continued on our day together.
Green kept popping up in conversation. At one point, I mentioned that I felt like the new relationship was happening very fast and I wanted Red to be safe. She agreed and even mentioned she was concerned she was being love bombed. (Which she absolutely is. The biggest tell for me was when she said Green offered to pay off her debt, which is in the thousands...) We talked more throughout the day and nailed down days we could hang out and spend much-needed quality time together, just the two of us. Yay, progress, right?
Not really. It hit me today that those days are all days that Green is going to be out of town. Our new scheduled date night? Same date night as Green and her wife. When I asked about this, I was told, "Well, it's just easier that way, because she's busy at that time, anyway." So basically, my schedule with my original partner is now based around this new relationship.
So, all in all, I know this is a lot to parse. But here's my main issues that I'm struggling with and would like some outside perspective:
A. Do you think it's NRE for Red when it comes to these new partners?
B. Am I wrong for being hurt and feeling like I'm being cast aside?
C. Were all the warning signs from the beginning, where I felt pushed when I wasn't ready, correct, and should I consider ending it fully?
D. Am I overthinking this?
P.S. Blue (from the triad) and I are doing well. We're adjusting nicely and healing from what went on with that crumbling of the triangle with Red. She's worried about my emotional health, but doesn't want to get involved or sway me either direction, which I respect so much.
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(j/k if the sarcasm wasn't there lol)