Hello Poly people,
I’ve just joined Polyamory.com, looking for help to manage a situation I’m in. I’ve never been in a poly relationship though I’m open to non-typical relationships and I have a bit of experience in the BDSM scene. I'm committed to negotiation and consent. I'm kinky and queer, non-binary, neither gay nor straight, non-partnered. But a poly virgin.
In the BDSM scene I ‘play’ non-sexually with friends, though it can be intimate in a way. I met someone at a queer festival, there was some Spark, and we met up when I was in his hometown the following month. He asked would I play with him – in the BDSM sense - and I said yes and we arranged to spend time getting know each other better. We told each other a lot about our lives, sexual identity, interests, and shared cuddles and a platonic night together. all very lovely.
He said he was amazed how comfortable he felt with me, how unusual this was, and he wanted to take things further, sexually and it seemed romantically. Next month we weekended at mine, talked non stop, started to get sexual together. There were affectionate texts and emails. He said he wanted a close sharing and sexual connection with me, that it was the first time he’d been able to bring all of him into a sexual connection. It felt to me like he was moving faster towards investing in this that I was, calling me darling and beloved. We didn’t talk about exclusivity, it was early days. He didn't raise polyamory either.
Another month on, a few more meets, a lot more intimate. We planned to spend 5 days together at New year. There were lots of emails sharing more vulnerability, and talking about where we would like to go together.
Then in the middle of one such email he told me he had arranged to become intimate with one of his housemates… he said it as though it hadn’t struck him as something that would impact upon me, but it did. I was shocked, hurt, indignant. I felt demoted and also disrespected because though we hadn't got any agreement, he entered into an agreement with someone else. And this other partner is his house mate, while I live 200 miles away, so there is much more opportunity for him to be with her than with me.
It wouldn’t have occurred to me to enter into another significant connection so early in the relationship we were forming. I wouldn’t have wanted to. I don’t know how come he a) wanted to get with someone else so soon b) apparently didn’t realise this might not be ok with me, or c) didn’t talk about it to me in advance.
He initially said he felt distressed that I was upset, and offered to talk on the phone – but he doesn’t seem to accept that it wasn’t ok to just go into a 3some without giving me any choice or warning. I said he didn’t give me the information I needed, to make an informed choice for myself..
We’re still arguing about this. I’m not against polyamory but I’ve never been in a poly dynamic before and it’s a lot to take on. I’ve talked with his housemate and we’re fine with each other. She’s actually being kind and understanding about how difficult this is for me. I don’t feel I'm getting that from him.
When I’ve been angry he’s indignant and says I’m just blaming him. I'm trying find a way to say what this is like for me. Ive suggested we use Non Violent Communication but he hasn't agreed.
Sadly the result is I feel the connection that showed so much promise is dying fast, not because of the existence of another woman, but because he is not giving me kind thoughtful consideration. Currently he is busy with work so he only phones me once a week. I asked him for more contact – just brief check-ins - and he refused. It just felt humiliating. But when I say or try to say how I feel, the story is I’m only feeling that way because of some past trauma or wrong idea I have.
He gives the impression a good polyamorist doesn’t blame others, doesn’t feel or show anger, and doesn’t ask their SO to take responsibility for what they choose to do. Is that right?
I'd appreciate any guidance. Thanks,
Feline
I’ve just joined Polyamory.com, looking for help to manage a situation I’m in. I’ve never been in a poly relationship though I’m open to non-typical relationships and I have a bit of experience in the BDSM scene. I'm committed to negotiation and consent. I'm kinky and queer, non-binary, neither gay nor straight, non-partnered. But a poly virgin.
In the BDSM scene I ‘play’ non-sexually with friends, though it can be intimate in a way. I met someone at a queer festival, there was some Spark, and we met up when I was in his hometown the following month. He asked would I play with him – in the BDSM sense - and I said yes and we arranged to spend time getting know each other better. We told each other a lot about our lives, sexual identity, interests, and shared cuddles and a platonic night together. all very lovely.
He said he was amazed how comfortable he felt with me, how unusual this was, and he wanted to take things further, sexually and it seemed romantically. Next month we weekended at mine, talked non stop, started to get sexual together. There were affectionate texts and emails. He said he wanted a close sharing and sexual connection with me, that it was the first time he’d been able to bring all of him into a sexual connection. It felt to me like he was moving faster towards investing in this that I was, calling me darling and beloved. We didn’t talk about exclusivity, it was early days. He didn't raise polyamory either.
Another month on, a few more meets, a lot more intimate. We planned to spend 5 days together at New year. There were lots of emails sharing more vulnerability, and talking about where we would like to go together.
Then in the middle of one such email he told me he had arranged to become intimate with one of his housemates… he said it as though it hadn’t struck him as something that would impact upon me, but it did. I was shocked, hurt, indignant. I felt demoted and also disrespected because though we hadn't got any agreement, he entered into an agreement with someone else. And this other partner is his house mate, while I live 200 miles away, so there is much more opportunity for him to be with her than with me.
It wouldn’t have occurred to me to enter into another significant connection so early in the relationship we were forming. I wouldn’t have wanted to. I don’t know how come he a) wanted to get with someone else so soon b) apparently didn’t realise this might not be ok with me, or c) didn’t talk about it to me in advance.
He initially said he felt distressed that I was upset, and offered to talk on the phone – but he doesn’t seem to accept that it wasn’t ok to just go into a 3some without giving me any choice or warning. I said he didn’t give me the information I needed, to make an informed choice for myself..
We’re still arguing about this. I’m not against polyamory but I’ve never been in a poly dynamic before and it’s a lot to take on. I’ve talked with his housemate and we’re fine with each other. She’s actually being kind and understanding about how difficult this is for me. I don’t feel I'm getting that from him.
When I’ve been angry he’s indignant and says I’m just blaming him. I'm trying find a way to say what this is like for me. Ive suggested we use Non Violent Communication but he hasn't agreed.
Sadly the result is I feel the connection that showed so much promise is dying fast, not because of the existence of another woman, but because he is not giving me kind thoughtful consideration. Currently he is busy with work so he only phones me once a week. I asked him for more contact – just brief check-ins - and he refused. It just felt humiliating. But when I say or try to say how I feel, the story is I’m only feeling that way because of some past trauma or wrong idea I have.
He gives the impression a good polyamorist doesn’t blame others, doesn’t feel or show anger, and doesn’t ask their SO to take responsibility for what they choose to do. Is that right?
I'd appreciate any guidance. Thanks,
Feline
