New relationship advice please.

E

Egopower

New member
Hello everyone!

I found this forum a few days ago and have been buried in it ever since reading about everything. So I'll give a little back story.
My girlfriend and I have been happily together for almost three years. A few months ago we discussed the idea of a poly relationship and thought it would be something we would want to try in the future. A month or so later she's telling her friend that we discussed this and her friend mentions that she would want to try this with us. So after a long night of talking we decide to do it.
We've been together about a month and are taking it very slow and easy. However my girlfriend whom we entered this with is having a lot of trouble with dealing with intimacy between our third and I. Every time she seems to be bothered by it and our other partner and I don't share her feelings quite so drastically. Is there anybody who has experienced this? Are they're any ideas on ways to combat and overcome so we can continue to grow our relationship?

P.S. Im sorry if the terms I used weren't up to par for some. I'm still very new to this and learning as I go.
 
Start with not viewing the other girl as your third. "You" being the preexisting couple. There is no more couple.

Is this a triad, meaning all three of you are intimate with each other? If so you are now 3 couples, as well as a triad.

Your initial gf needs to work on her jealousy issues. Only she can do that.

Triads are not easy. I was in one for a short time. We went into it as a couple, but she could not overcome her jealousy, even though it was her idea.
 
Yes we are a triad. What happened after that? This was also her idea to start this relationship with her. Her and I are starting to grow as a couple and we both want to continue our new relationship. We just aren't sure how to help the one who was so dedicated and now is having troubles.
 
Hi Egopower,

Do you and your third display affection for each other when your girlfriend is around? If so, maybe your girlfriend is just struggling to make peace with that visual, and you could stop doing displays of affection when she's around. Also I don't know if you are having threesomes, if you are it sounds like your girlfriend isn't handling them very well. So maybe hold off on threesomes for awhile at least until your girlfriend gets feeling better about the whole thing.

Sometimes, when we consider polyamory hypothetically, we think it's a good idea, and feel confident that we'd handle it just fine. But then when an actual poly situation comes up, we find ourselves having problems such as jealousy. This seems to be what's happening with your girlfriend. Try to be patient with her as she works through this.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Egopower said:
Yes we are a triad. What happened after that? This was also her idea to start this relationship with her. Her and I are starting to grow as a couple and we both want to continue our new relationship. We just aren't sure how to help the one who was so dedicated and now is having troubles.
Click to expand...

Well...the new gf got tired of her nonsense and bailed. I stuck around because we had a kid together. Eventually I left because I got tired of constantly being
accused of cheating.

You really can't help someone who is jealous and insecure. They need to work through it themselves.
 
@kdt no, we don't show much affection in front of her. We aren't ready as a couple to have sex just yet. Especially with the problems we are having now. Is there a better way to build a proper atmosphere for her to overcome this? We still want it all to workout. She's just having a hard time.

@vin I'm sorry to hear that. She's afraid that if this doesn't work we're going to not be the same after. I just try to reassure her, what else can I do?
 
Egopower said:
@vin I'm sorry to hear that. She's afraid that if this doesn't work we're going to not be the same after. I just try to reassure her, what else can I do?
Click to expand...
That's something I can almost guarantee - you will not be the same after. Even if it does work. Poly is an experience, that changes people, shines light on their insecurities, turns paradigms upside down, shuffles with their value system. If you're going into this, you're facing a lot of change. Don't tell yourself that everything will be the same, embrace it.
 
Egopower said:
@vin I'm sorry to hear that. She's afraid that if this doesn't work we're going to not be the same after. I just try to reassure her, what else can I do?
Click to expand...

Well don't let my story dissuade you. Our break up was inevitable whether we had tried poly or not. Reassuring her is all you can do. It's up to her whether or not she accepts that reassurance.
 
Change is hard, if she's having trouble be patient with her.
Remind her that she's awesome and that she has the tools she needs to identify and work through what's bothering her.
People say to move at the pace of the slowest partner. I'm finding in my situation that at first Dean was the slowest pace and now I think I am. Now that i've opened up my heart I'm feeling very protective of it. Personally I have a great deal of anxiety about being heartbroken (because it's awful). I know what I need is time to see that yes things will change, but that they won't necessarily be negative changes. I have great hope that they are positive changes. I'm just not there yet myself. I'm still fighting that urge to run away.
I hope that maybe helps you understand where she is coming from, since I was the one who was all on board for poly and introduced the the concept to my husband.
I think all three of you may go through times of struggle and because you care about one another you do the best you can to lift each other up out of it, knowing that ultimately each of you can only save yourselves.
I learned that what I though was an instinct to fix people was actually a learned trait and so when Dean was struggling I didn't try to fix him. It still sounds weird saying that, but it was the right choice. I listened and lived him and let him fight his own demons. I think once he saw that I wasn't going anywhere he felt secure.
He also read More than Two, finished it before I did. He quotes it now when we talk. It's actually really helpful.

I hope things get easier for the three of you.
 
Entering into a triad, as poly newbies, is a huge and extremely common mistake! Many couples think it will reduce jealousy to "do this together" but it can and usually does, actually increase jealousy.

I don't know if it's because FMF sex is the most common male fantasy, or if it's all the media (porn) showing FMF sex, or the non-porn media almost ALWAYS depicting polyamory as a FMF triad, but you're not alone in struggling with something that seems great and hot in fantasy, but can be hell in reality.

Most successful experienced polyamorous people, even if in a committed couple, date independently. It is much much easier. You get a gf of your own. Your gf gets a gf or bf of her own. You don't need to meet her partner. She doesn't need to meet yours. You don't need to see each other do PDAs with their OSO, you don't need to watch or even hear them have sex.

But starting out as a triad is so complicated. Her friend is going from platonic friend to potential lover of my bf, and potential lover of mine. Her bf (you) is going from her trusted mono partner to a man who is wooing another woman before her eyes. And she is supposed to be learning to be sexual with a person who she was platonic with before, at the same time!

The friend said she is "willing to try this." Are both women bisexual? Have they been in a romantic/sexual relationship with another woman before? Are they attracted to each other? Or will 2 straight women both be learning to be in close proximity to each other as they pleasure you simultaneously? Or is one woman bi and the other straight, or merely "bi-curious?" If your gf is bi, and her friend is merely "bi-curious," this can be hurtful. Sometimes bi curious women will kiss a little, then lie back and not actively pleasure the bi woman (won't do breast play, fingering or oral, for example), and this can be frustrating to a bi woman who wants the other to enthusiastically pleasure her.

So. There are many sexual and emotional hurdles to cross when you're new to polyamory, and doing it by seeking a triad is going to make the hurdles higher.
 
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