New relationship new emotions


New member
Hi everyone

I’m really new to the poly community and looking for some advice / insight.

As background, I’m currently married but very unhappy and unfulfilled. 2 friends (a couple) have been really helping me out with that and supporting me through a difficult time.

4 weeks ago, we started sleeping together. We had talked about it for a while and dealt with all our concerns about ruining the friendship etc. It was amazing and felt totally natural. We all click well on emotional and sexual levels.

They are brilliant, refer to me as their girlfriend and involve me with as much as they can in their lives.

The problem I have is the emotion when I come home and know they’re still a couple living together. I want to be with them all the time but I can’t, and im envious knowing they are doing ‘couple stuff’ without me. It’s really hard!

How do you deal with this? Or is this a sign that poly life isn’t right for me? I have got so emotionally involved with them both, it feels like a new relationship, but feeling left out when I’m not with them is so difficult to navigate.

Hello GoldenUnicorn,

That is one of the disadvantages to being a unicorn: You are on the "outside" of a couple marriage, you will always be on the outside, and sometimes you will feel like their secondary partner.

It might be of some help if you would divorce your husband, and go to live with that couple -- if they would be willing to have you. But you've only been sleeping with them for four weeks -- maybe this would be too soon for living together?

Until you live with them, and share a life with them, you will continue to feel envious, and "left out." Even after you move in with them, you may still feel left out because they're married to each other, but you're not married to either of them. It's hard! although someday you might get used to it. I live with a married couple (we are an MFM V), and it was hard for me at first, but then I got used it. It takes a while! They treat me really good, so that is an important part of the puzzle.

I hope things work out for you.
Kevin T.
Hi GoldenUnicorn

I suspect you are strongly in a state of New Relationship Energy and for you, it's manifesting as a sense of loss whenever you aren't with them - you're so "high" on their company that the rest of the world pales in comparison. You could be quite ready, impatient even, to toss in your old life to go live this new one, but logistics are currently preventing that.

It's not that poly life isn't for you; it is that you're experiencing a bit of a reawakening to parts of you that might have been suppressed in your unfulfilled, unhappy marriage. You could be feeling an acute sense of "who you could be" when you are currently having to return to your daily life. It's natural to feel strong emotions, but it sounds like these are currently being experienced as ones of suffering when you're apart. You are thinking about what you don't have in those moments. That's human nature - we're prone to suffering - but the counter to that is consciously turning your thoughts to the positives and what you do have. And to take active steps towards creating more of the life you want.

Even if you are with them full time, there are still going to be times when they will need time as a dyad. And ideally, you'll spend time with each of them separately, too. Every dyad in a triad needs nurturing independently. It's a bit of a red flag if they don't want to spend time with you 1-1, you'll never really know them as individuals, whereas they will know each other that way. And they'll not get the chance to experience you as anything other than their "third" - which is again unfair to you, and to them! You probably have some interests that might shine more with one person than the other, one might see your love of...decoupage. The other might go rollerblading with you. Whatever. Silly examples, but ones that help illustrate that each dyad relationship should have the chance to grow into finding special things to share, rather than them focusing on sharing you in bed.

You have mentioned that they involve you as much as they can in their lives. Great! Don't forget that they also have lives independent of one another. They aren't one entity, and although it sounds like you're seeing them always as a couple, please remember to nurture each side of the relationship independently, too.
Good advice so far, but like Seasoned asked, I am curious if your husband is aware that you have started a sexual affair with 2 other people. If he is not, you are not practicing polyamory; you are cheating on your primary relationship. Just because you are having sex with 2 people does not make this polyamory. (Sure, there are similarities. You are learning what it's like to care romantically for 2 people at the same time.) But polyamory is defined as a relationship form where you are having romantic sexual relationships with more than one person, with the awareness and joyful consent of everyone.

My suggestion is to cool is on the sexual side and extricate yourself from this unhappy marriage. Then you will be free to date ethically. I am not saying you need to be legally divorced, but you should at least be separated. Maybe you are. It's not clear. Are you living on your own, or are you still in a house with your husband and dealing with constant strife and discomfort?

You might want to read the book Opening Up to arm yourself with more knowledge about how to practice polyamory. Dating a couple in a triad situation is the most difficult way to practice polyamory. They have a history, they share a home, finances, etc. Triads rarely last because of the innate imbalance.

Kevin is in a V. He is not romantic with his brother-husband. He is only in a "romantic" relationship with the woman. It's a whole other form of polyamory, called "kitchen table poly,' or KTP. It is more stable.

If you were dating just one person and the relationship was new (like yours is, 1 month is very new), you'd be missing your partner when you were apart too. The hormone released during sex, oxytocin, is a bonding hormone that biologically draws you to another person. So, you're feeling a normal human emotion. You just happen to be feeling NRE for 2 people at once. You're envious they get to spend more time together with each other. Try to be patient and let the envy go. You need to work on your own situation to free yourself up to date ethically, then you'll be rewarded with more time to spend with your loves (maybe).