New & Rocky

[Row]

My husband (N) and I have been talking about introducing another woman into our relationship. I was not actively looking, but he was without my knowledge. Until I noticed his phone was blowing up. He had been talking to two other women and had them under the impression that I knew what was going on. Both women have been friends with N for a number of years, longer than I have known him. I was taken aback by the amount of secrecy for something I've been open about, even though I was given proof of the encounter involving US, not just him. One of the women, I decided, was out, recently got into some crazy legal and mental garbage that I'm just not comfortable with. The other woman (R), I decided to meet for drinks with. I did not know her or even know what she looked like. We hit it off and get along. We are obviously trying to figure each other out as people, nothing physical or romantic as of yet. But now communication is more frequent than with N.

He is upset now and feeling left out. He thinks we aren't telling him what is going on when we are just getting to know each other. Before I found out, they were exchanging nudes (including mine to keep up appearances). So we (the women) had assumed he was wanting to reap the physical benefits only. But he says he doesn't know what he wants and he'll be waiting on the sidelines until we tell him what to do.

Do you think he is jealous that he isn't getting all of the attention anymore? He was wanting me to get to know R to see where things go and then was distant when it was a success. I just don't understand.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

My husband (N) and I have been talking about introducing another woman into our relationship.

What does this sentence mean to you? Like you wanted to try a threesome experience once?

You want to find someone who might be up for casual threesomes regularly?

You both want to date the same GF? Like be in a polyamorous triad and share romance, sex, and more?

Something else?

I was not actively looking, but he was without my knowledge. Until I noticed his phone was blowing up. He had been talking to two other women and had them under the impression that I knew what was going on.

Before I found out, they were exchanging nudes (including mine to keep up appearances).

So... he wasn't being honest with you that he started looking for hookups.

Or being honest with the potentials when he told them you knew what was going on when actually you didn't.

And he was sending strangers nudes of you without you knowing about it or consenting to that.

I was taken aback by the amount of secrecy for something I've been open about, even though I was given proof of the encounter involving US, not just him.

How do you feel about your husband doing this? Is this trustworthy behavior to you? How has this been resolved or is it still a sore spot?

If it had been me? I would not care if the encounter was for US and not him. That doesn't make the dishonesty any better. Or acting like we're open and looking, when we haven't made the decision yet.

The other woman (R), I decided to meet for drinks with. I did not know her or even know what she looked like. We hit it off and get along. We are obviously trying to figure each other out as people, nothing physical or romantic as of yet. But now communication is more frequent than with N.
He is upset now and feeling left out.

I'm surprised you bothered to meet up with her given that your husband wasn't actually setting about any of this honestly.

Is that why R has cooled toward you husband? She didn't like the dishonesty? I'm honestly kinda surprised R still here after all the hinky sounding stuff.

That bold part? That is why it might be better (if you are actually seeking polyamory) for each of you poly date separately. Each go find your own GF and not try to "share" one. Then you aren't competing with each other for the attention of the new person.

He thinks we aren't telling him what is going on when we are just getting to know each other.

Why? Cuz that's what he does? Not tell people what's really going on? Is he worried you and R are planning to hook up and share casual sex with just you two? Skip the threesome with him?

So we (the women) had assumed he was wanting to reap the physical benefits only. But he says he doesn't know what he wants and he'll be waiting on the sidelines until we tell him what to do.

That to me sounds kinda lazy. He's the one who has to figure out what he actually wants and articulate it. People are not mind readers.

It has the potential to become a huge mess and a lot of hurt feelings if you don't sort it out soon.

Do you think he is jealous that he isn't getting all of the attention anymore? He was wanting me to get to know R to see where things go and then was distant when it was a success. I just don't understand.

To me it sounds like he was wanting a casual sex threesome experience. Like a one time thing. He got her on the hook and maybe expected you to finish reeling her in so the threesome would happen.

Instead? You are getting to know R better and starting to date her.

So maybe he wasn't bargaining on an "actual relationship" or having to share your time and attention with a "real" partner. If he was just looking for the novelty of a threesome and didn't really think about "actual poly dating" he might be experiencing a huge wake up call.

So YOU think it is a "success" because you are starting to date her and are hoping it might become a long term poly dating thing.

But maybe he thinks it's NOT a success because there's no threesome happening for him. And maybe he didn't want anything poly at all -- he just wanted casual sex to be on the table. Open marriage, not polyamorous marriage.

Could that be it?

If so, I think you could slow your roll and talk some things out with spouse and get on the same page.

Not just about what sort of open or poly model you want to practice, but the whole "being honest" thing and not giving people nudes of you without your consent.

That doesn't sound respectful to me.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

You could change your mindset. You are not going to be adding a person to your (couple) relationship. You are going to start dating someone (maybe having sex), and he hopes to also date someone and definitely have sex. You're not on the same page. Generally each member of a couple that wishes to open are NOT looking for the same thing in a new partner.

If you two just want to share sex with one woman for a FMF casual encounter, join some swingers websites. If you want to be polyamorous (have multiple LOVES), that's whole different kind of open relationship. Almost all the successful poly people out there, who may be married or in a serious relationship, date as individuals. You are describing some of the many pitfalls of trying to both date the same person.

Read this and have your h read it too. "So Someone Called You a Unicorn Hunter"

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Row,

It strikes me as a little hypocritical of N to get bent out of shape that you are interacting with R when it was okay for him to interact with R when he wasn't even telling you about it (nor telling R the truth about you). I think you are quite generous to be warming up to R after such a dishonest beginning. N isn't seeing that, he is only considering what he personally gets out of the situation. I don't have any advice for you, other than perhaps to tell him to shape up. He is your husband, not your pimp. He needs to step up to the role. I hope the two of you can work things out.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Marcus]

I was taken aback by the amount of secrecy for something I've been open about, even though I was given proof of the encounter involving US, not just him.

He thinks we aren't telling him what is going on when we are just getting to know each other. Before I found out, they were exchanging nudes (including mine to keep up appearances). So we (the women) had assumed he was wanting to reap the physical benefits only.

The running theme in this problem seems to be that the two of you don't really trust each other. Do you know why that is?

If the intention is to keep the existing relationship going while exploring "adding" new relationships, you guys might want to figure your own shit out first. While you two are in this state of not trusting each other, the first time one of you finds someone else you are in to, the most likely result will be big problems in your original relationship.

But he says he doesn't know what he wants and he'll be waiting on the sidelines until we tell him what to do.

I don't understand how this is a solution.

It's unclear to me what your end goal is in hunting for another partner. I mean, is the plan to bring a third person in for you guys to have an "equal" closed triad? Is the plan for the two of you to be primary with this other person as secondary? Is it to just date other people as you like and let the chips fall where they may?

Do you think he is jealous that he isn't getting all of the attention anymore? He was wanting me to get to know R to see where things go and then was distant when it was a success. I just don't understand.

I think you and your partner need to learn to communicate with each other. You don't seem to understand each others intention, you don't really seem to understand your own intentions, and you don't trust each other to discuss it openly.

• Express how you would like to see this experiment pan out. Like, describe what you see happening in a perfect world, and be as specific as you can.
• Hopefully they will both want to express the same thing to you and each other.
• Decide where the natural overlap exists between what each of you want, and build the relationship there.
• Receive all incoming information gracefully and without judgment. Accept "no" as an answer and don't require justification.