New to anchor partnership and struggling with partners constant crushes

[Lola246]

Hi all.
I’ve been exploring non-monogamy and polyamory for some time now but solo with casual partners. However, I’ve recently entered a more committed relationship where we’re both exploring non-monogamy together and wanting other partners, but we view each other as anchor partners. The concern that’s come up for me is that, although I’m happy with other partners and exploring connections with other people, he seems to fancy everyone? I think it’s lovely sometimes, that he feels so positively about so many people. But I also sometimes find it frustrating and intimidating, like the affection isn’t serious as it’s all the time. I’ve recently been feeling insecure too as it feels like everyone could be a potential partner that I’ll have to navigate, not just special and considered connections. I wondered if anyone has any advice on how to navigate this?

 

[Evie]

He's showing you who he is, so you get to decide if you want to continue a partnership with him or not. He's not going to change, so can you find more security within yourself? Have you talked with him as candidly as you've written here? That you're constantly on edge that there's going to be someone added to the mix? When you say "everyone could be a potential partner" do you mean sex partner or seriously dating partner? Do you care more about one than the other? Do you want to feel that you have a pool of things that are "special" to you as the anchor partner, and have you been really specific about what these are? You may want to explore the relationship menu with him, get on the same page, literally.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/pwkdxp/v3_relationship_components_menu_last_update_for

or this version, if RA is more what you're interested in https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/the-relationship-anarchy-smorgasbord

 

[Magdlyn]

He's showing you who he is, so you get to decide if you want to continue a partnership with him or not. He's not going to change

I am going to disagree. It sounds like her partner is new to poly, so in that "kid in a candy store" stage, where everyone seems like a potential person to date. This feeling generally simmers down when one actually starts to date and sees how difficult it can be, how annoying early dates with strangers can be, how bad some new partners can be at communicating, being honest, learning about the difference between initial attraction/short-term compatibility as opposed to long-term compatibility, etc., etc.

Can you find more security within yourself? Have you talked with him as candidly as you've written here? That you're constantly on edge that there's going to be someone added to the mix? When you say "everyone could be a potential partner" do you mean sex partner or seriously-dating partner? Do you care more about one than the other? Do you want to feel that you have a pool of things that are "special" to you as the anchor partner, and have you been really specific about what these are? You may want to explore the relationship menu with him, get on the same page, literally.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi all.
I’ve been exploring non-monogamy and polyamory for some time now but solo with casual partners. However, I’ve recently entered a more committed relationship where we’re both exploring non-monogamy together and wanting other partners, but we view each other as anchor partners. The concern that’s come up for me is that, although I’m happy with other partners and exploring connections with other people, he seems to fancy everyone? I think it’s lovely sometimes, that he feels so positively about so many people. But I also sometimes find it frustrating and intimidating, like the affection isn’t serious as it’s all the time. I’ve recently been feeling insecure too as it feels like everyone could be a potential partner that I’ll have to navigate, not just special and considered connections. I wondered if anyone has any advice on how to navigate this?

One thing many poly people find is that they feel insecure when their partner dates. It even happens when you start dating a person who is married or in a long-term relationship. That person is a known factor, so it's not so bad to share with them. But if they then start dating all these probably perfect, good looking, successful, sexy new people? Scary!

Some people like to meet their partner's other partners (metamours). That say that helps take away the mystery. Others are not interested in meeting their partner's other partner at all, or at least until they are sure the new relationship is getting serious.

Basically, try not to compare yourself to his others. Figure out what YOU need, and request it. Quantity of time spent; quality of time spent; consideration: texting between dates; etc. Get clear on what you want and need. Ask for it. And if bf can't or won't meet your desires, you may not be long-term compatible.

If this stage in bf's dating doesn't end any time soon (say, after a year or so) he may be a NRE junkie and not the man for you, after all.

 

[LaminarFlow]

How long have you and your anchor partner been dating? Have you passed the NRE? Has he ever passed the NRE with someone else? What is his experience with ENM/polyamory?

It's best to focus on your own relationship with him and what you want and need. Perhaps you could invoke a TMI clause in your relationship that he doesn't tell anything about someone unless it's absolutely serious and committed?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Lola246,

It sounds like he has a kid-in-a-candy-store syndrome, as he is interested in everyone, and that probably makes you feel minimized and/or left out. He is supposed to be your anchor partner. That means he should give you the lion's share of his attention and affection. Talk to him about this, and find out where you really stand. Maybe he is not as good of a match for you as you originally believed. I hope that's not the case, but these things do sometimes happen. I hope you can work things out with him.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.