New to open relationships, but I think I'm falling in love

[confusedinlove]

Hi there. Let me start off by saying my boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 years. We recently went looking for engagement rings and have always talked seriously about marriage and kids. We have good and bad times like I'm sure everyone has, and recently moved across the country for a job opportunity (mine - he was reluctant to come, but now loves it). The first few months were bliss, and since then we go back and forth between solid relationship and threatening to leave because things are just too hard. I love him with all my heart, but there have been many times over the last few years that I've wished things had been different and that I had found someone who "fit me" better, who it just seemed easy with.

Last week, I was approached by someone who openly admitted that he was into me and wanted to spend time together, even after I told him about my serious relationship (I told my boyfriend about the encounter immediately). He tried to make me commit to hanging out the next day and I blew him off, but couldn't stop thinking about it. A few days later, I told my boyfriend that this guy still wanted to hang out and that I was kind of interested in exploring that. He said he actually found it a little hot and was okay with it (I found out later he had wanted something like this for a while).

So... now I've been on two dates with this guy. And I'm obsessed with him. I don't know how much I believe in manifesting your own reality, but this guy (from what I've seen so far) is exactly what I've been asking the universe for. Crazy, I know. It's to the point where I stopped getting excited about buying a house and having kids and doing all that with my current boyfriend... And this new guy has completely reinvigorated that feeling. I can actually see myself with him and with kiddos and doing what I love. I lost sight of that picture with my current boyfriend, mostly because he is not very driven and I am the opposite and have had to push him to get to where he is right now, which is the start (hopefully) of a great career for him (that he so completely deserves!). He is so smart and such a good worker and it honestly drove a lot of fights this year that he wouldn't try to find anything because I believed in him so much and because I knew the life I wanted would not be attainable without SOME kind of financial support from my husband. I want to be a stay at home mom, and yes I know that is kind of old school, but I've wanted this for such a long time, we've had multiple conversations about it, and he was not happy at his current job and would come home and complain all day but do nothing about the situation.

New guy seems financially secure. He is also incredibly smart, but he has the drive to back it up. He wants a stay at home wife and wants to somewhat fast track the marriage and kids thing, which honestly I love. He loves travelling and goes abroad pretty frequently, and has offered to bring me along be (surprise, boyfriend not cool with this quite yet ). I majored in a foreign language and his whole family speaks it (I've had it in my head to teach my kids and have wished that my current boyfriend spoke it, though he has picked up a few words through osmosis which I truly love and appreciate).

I'm infatuated with him. But I also realize I don't really know him that well. In my 8 years with current boyfriend, I have NEVER felt an immediate spark/connection like I did with new guy which is why I felt the need to bring him up and see if I could explore this. Now I'm afraid that really I was just comfortable in my current relationship, but I do love him. We have supported each other through so much. He has been my rock. I have been his cheerleader. I can't imagine life without him, but I wonder how much of that is because I know it will be a messy split if we do. I don't know if I even need to be thinking about this right now, but I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to fall in love with this man and that I will no longer want to be with my boyfriend. I'm also afraid that this will happen and new guy will decide he's over it, then what? I three away an 8-year relationship for a fling. But... There's also the possibility that I could be really, truly happy with new guy. And even that is terrifying (the idea of "starting over" with someone new).

Basically, I feel like a hot mess right now. My boyfriend is into this, but he doesn't realize how hard I'm falling. He wants to explore his options too, and I'm okay with that (because I'm not invested anymore, because I don't feel right telling him HE can't explore this but I can, or because I truly want him to be happy and I realize that I can't always fulfill his needs?). I don't understand my feelings or motives right now, but I very seriously want to be with this new guy and I don't want to hurt ANYONE (him or my boyfriend). I don't want to lead either of them on and I'm lost.

Let it be noted that I'm starting to see a therapist in June (she's on a long vacation currently) lol. I know I need a professional to help me sort these feelings out, but I'm hoping for some clarity in the meantime. Any thoughts are appreciated.

 

[lunabunny]

I don't know how much you know or have read about polyamory, but what you're experiencing right now is a major case of NRE (new relationship energy).

For some people, these "crazy" feelings of love, lust, infatuation, sexual energy for a new partner... however NRE manifests in a given relationship... can completely overwhelm and even block out feelings for the existing partner/s (which seems to be happening with you, confusedinlove). In other cases, the excitement provided by the new relationship actually boosts and reinvigorates interest in the older relationship which may have been stagnating.

I know that at the moment, it all seems so thrilling and brimming with possibility... but don't forget, what you're experiencing right now isn't "real life" or real love - at least, not yet. You've been on TWO dates... you barely know this guy, and he has yet to prove himself as honest, dependable and true to his word. Right now, you have no idea how this is going to pan out, or even if the relationship truly has long-term potential, so do TRY not to get carried away with fantasies.

How in-depth have you and your current boyfriend discussed opening up your relationship since you met new guy? Have you talked about what you each want and need from such a situation? Have you listened to podcasts on the topic, read books, articles? Have you considered the (potential) downsides and weighed them up against the positives? Have you discussed boundaries... expectations... agreements (with your boyfriend AND with new guy)?

It really sounds as if you're rushing headlong into this. SLOW DOWN. Make sure you're not simply being carried away by the fantasy of a future with someone who initially presents as more compatible than your current partner.

IF this new person is serious about his desire for marriage, children, travel etc... he'll be willing to invest some serious time and energy into getting to know you (and possibly your boyfriend); your career ambitions and life goals; your relationship needs and expectations. You'll take the time to compare your views on child-rearing, financial management, problem solving skills... and see if you're TRULY compatible in ways that are not superficial.

 

[Ravenscroft]

Clearly, you are conflicted, in large part because you haven't yet got to the point of deciding what path you intend to pursue --

I don't know how much I believe in manifesting your own reality, but this guy is exactly what I've been asking the universe for. ... I stopped getting excited about buying a house and having kids and doing all that with my current boyfriend... And this new guy has completely reinvigorated that feeling. I can actually see myself with him and with kiddos and doing what I love.

But I also realize I don't really know him that well.

First, you need to say those things to your fiance, to make clear that he is encouraging behavior that has you thinking about dumping him. He might have an opinion about that.

You have walked into the propinquity effect, where frequent contact results in individuals giving undue credence to points of similarity (sometimes inflated or even imaginary), a variation of the mere-exposure effect, which feeds into a Romantic fallacy & starts crediting this "one in a million" encounter to Fate or God or whatever --

this guy is exactly what I've been asking the universe for.

My suggestion would be to put the new fling entirely on hold -- like cut off ALL contact, even electronically -- until you figure out CLEARLY whether you are going to maintain your first relationship, or are going to break up with him & move along to the Shiny New guy. One or the other. Decide soon.

 

[confusedinlove]

Lunabunny, thank you so much for this thoughtful response. We have discussed boundaries with both current and new guy, but it's very new to us so there have already been some conversations and I imagine many more will follow. We haven't so much discussed expectations recently, but my current guy is a very physical person and I haven't always been able to reciprocate what he needs sexually and he hasn't always been able to reciprocate what (I think) I need emotionally.

New guy did make a comment about "if we're still doing this in a year," and has told me that if he can only have me in this way, then he will take it (at least for now). I'm trying to not let this get to my head, and I go back and forth between "this could be amazing and real" and "this guy just wants to get in my pants." Lol I just wasn't expecting to fall so quickly for a stranger!! I will try to slow down and just see where things lead for now.

 

[confusedinlove]

Ravenscroft, thank you! I know I'm conflicted. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to lose my boyfriend. I'm afraid to lose new guy. I don't know what I want and I'm definitely struggling.

Realistically, I don't think I can cut off new guy. I don't want to. I also don't want to hurt my current relationship for something that isn't real. And current relationship has been improving in some ways since this started, which is making it more confusing. We've been more intimate lately and we've both had good, open conversations about this - he just doesn't quite know how infatuated I am right now!! I know he is excited at the idea of getting to pursue others as well, especially because he is very bicurious and never had an opportunity to explore that before.

It's a weird, new, kind of exciting and terrifying dynamic for our relationship. I just wish I knew where it was headed and that I knew this other guy better than I do so I could better figure out what is real.

 

[confusedinlove]

I have some research to do! Thank you both for the resources and advice. I so appreciate the feedback!!

 

[lunabunny]

.New guy did make a comment about "if we're still doing this in a year," and has told me that if he can only have me in this way, then he will take it (at least for now). I'm trying to not let this get to my head, and I go back and forth between "this could be amazing and real" and "this guy just wants to get in my pants." Lol I just wasn't expecting to fall so quickly for a stranger!! I will try to slow down and just see where things lead for now.

It may seem like an obvious stereotype, but there are many guys in this world (and possibly some women) who will tell a girl all manner of pretty things and promise the world just to get into her pants.

At this early stage, there is really no way of knowing if THIS guy is that type, or if he's on the level about wanting a serious relationship with you... a travel companion... a mother for his children.

So I repeat: take it SLOW... guard your heart (AND your current boyfriend's), because...

First, you need to say those things to your fiance, to make clear that he is encouraging behavior that has you thinking about dumping him. He might have an opinion about that.

figure out CLEARLY whether you are going to maintain your first relationship, or are going to break up with him & move along to the Shiny New guy. One or the other. Decide soon.

Ravenscroft is right that your first order of business is to decide if you're still emotionally invested in your first/current relationship ENOUGH to want to stick with him through the NRE phase with new guy and all that comes afterwards IF this should prove to be more than a fling.

Existing boyfriend has the right to know the extent of your developing feelings for new guy, since he has been encouraging the relationship (and is presumably getting something out of it), and considering his own options in regard to poly.

He most definitely has the right to know you are re-considering WHO the future father of your children may be. At the moment, your current partner (understandably) assumes your joint future plans still stand, and that HE will be your nesting partner, father any offspring you may have and the like.

You need to think deeply about whether or not you're just playing out a fantasy in your head right now, because you're caught up in NRE and new guy seems more compatible ("soul mate" style), or if your current relationship has truly run its course and there is no hope of reviving it. If so, it'd be kindest to let it go, regardless of what transpires in the new relationship.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

(Note: I am responding here to Ravenscroft's post only - I have not read all of the replies yet.)

While I agree that is it useful to look for our unconscious biases and "effects" of that sort...I do have some issues with what you have said.

Clearly, you are conflicted, in large part because you haven't yet got to the point of deciding what path you intend to pursue --

Yes, the OP is conflicted, hence her consternation and, presumably, that is why she is posting here looking for advice and discussion, so that she can get to the point of deciding which path (Note: that there are MANY paths - not just the 2 you seem to see) she intends to pursue.

To me, this reads that you are chastising her for not knowing which path she is taking - in other words you are asking her to have made a decision before she makes her decision. When deciding on a course of action, especially a significant one, many people prefer to mull things over and process things from multiple perspectives before making a rash decision. So she is here, gathering perspective.

First, you need to say those things to your fiance, to make clear that he is encouraging behavior that has you thinking about dumping him. He might have an opinion about that.

Excuse me? She doesn't "need" to do anything of the sort if she doesn't want to. Even in polyamory, we are not required to inform our partner(s) of every single blessed thing that we have thought about. I am entitled to my own private thoughts. NOTE: Internal processors don't need to speak everything out loud in order to hear themselves think, even external processors don't NEED to process with their partner every time - therapists (such as OP has stated she will be seeing) exist for a reason.

In a moment of anger and frustration, I night seriously consider kicking Dude out of my life - and then calm down and reconsider and decide that, no, I don't want to break up with him but that we need to have a conversation about things that might have to change if we are going to stay together for the long haul. Same with flights of fancy that we entertain while drugged up on NRE.

When we are not "in our right minds" - strong emotions (NRE, anger, bliss, etc.) often make us entertain thoughts that our real, true, inner selves later realize are off the mark. Sometimes these thoughts DO lead us to deeper truths - such as that we really aren't that compatible, etc.

When she has clarified for herself what she wants, or what changes she needs to see in order to stay, or whatever - then she can go to her current partner and have the real discussion that she "needs" to have with him. If his "opinion" doesn't factor into her decision then it is up to her when and what to share.

My suggestion would be to put the new fling entirely on hold -- like cut off ALL contact, even electronically -- until you figure out CLEARLY whether you are going to maintain your first relationship, or are going to break up with him & move along to the Shiny New guy. One or the other. Decide soon.

Whoa, what?! "One or the other. Decide soon."

What the actual Fuck? A or B, choose NOW! - Where's the fire? She has been infatuated with new and shiny for a week and now she has to decide her entire relationship strategy in the next 10 minutes because some random dude on the internet said so? She has hardly begun to even work through all of the possibilities and you see this as that Black and White?

IF she wants to take the time to consider these options without the chemical influence of NRE, THEN putting things on hold with new and shiny might be the right advice.

IF she wants to review her compatibility with old boyfriend and step away from the influence of inertia and the "sunk cost fallacy" then maybe taking a step outside of her current state of affairs is just what she needs to see that the wolf she has been feeding is the "complacent" one. 8 years is a long time - if there have been other "flags" along the way then perhaps a trial separation is in order.

IF she wants to find herself before she decides on an other or others to engage with for the long haul then perhaps selling all her worldly possessions and going out into the desert to achieve enlightenment is the proper path.

IF she wants to navigate and pick her way through both of these relationships in the best way that she knows how - NOT making a choice IS making a choice (and not always a bad one). And both of these men have the freedom to walk away, or engage differently, or ask for clarification.

My point being - that "either/or" and "speak now or forever hold your peace" snap decisions are a very limited menu of options.

Jane(Hand-Me-My-Soapbox)Q

"Don’t you should on me and I won’t drop my shoulds on you." - Wookiefoot (lyrics)

 

[channingbee]

omg

 

[vinsanity0]

As a former serial monogamist, I will caution against making any snap decisions while under the influence of NRE. Calm down and enjoy the New Guy. There is no need to go running up the relationship escalator. Wait and see how it goes.

 

[GalaGirl]

I would suggest riding it out for a time.

Just don't buy houses, get married or any of that. You have undergone a BUNCH of changes recently -- moving, opening up, dealing with this new guy, etc.

See how this unfolds while you give yourself a chance to calm.

Now I'm afraid that really I was just comfortable in my current relationship, but I do love him. We have supported each other through so much. He has been my rock. I have been his cheerleader. I can't imagine life without him, but I wonder how much of that is because I know it will be a messy split if we do.

Nothing wrong with comfortable.

If you mean more like "in a rut" or "settling" -- well... that's something to think over.

Why does parting ways have to be messy? You don't talk about that in your relationships? Like "hope for the best, but plan for the worst" so if it has to happen, it can be a good break up rather than a mess?

If not... something else to think about in relationships. You'd have to do it if you were married with kids to make arrangements for them. I think people could talk about that even without kids and make arrangements. Could talk about it with the new guy -- that if this doesn't pan out how you prefer to be broken up with -- email, phone, in person, etc.

I'm scared that I'm going to fall in love with this man and that I will no longer want to be with my boyfriend.

Or... you simply love both. That's the point of poly right? The opportunity to do so.

Are you worried you are hanging on to BF from habit?

Is this about him stepping up doing his fair share in the relationship? And this new dating partner seeming "go getter" is bringing it up in sharp contrast that current BF is not esp motivated? Like...

Existing BF didn't really want to move, you had to coax him and now he loves it. He complains about his job but doesn't do anything to improve it til you coax him.

There's being supportive, and then "carrying" him like you do all the work in the relationship. It's ok to love him. But also ok to prefer to be friends rather than partners and STOP carrying him so much (if that is what is happening.)

Don't be scared to think this stuff out to figure out what is going on here. Or be scared to talk about things with either partner.

If it helps make it less scary? I've been with my spouse for decades. And we still check in once a year on small stuff and every 5 years on big stuff to make sure we are still on the same page with our goals, still compatible, still staying connected, each doing fair share of work, etc. We review how we want to break up IF we break up then too.

That WHY and HOW we last so long. We actively tend to our relationship. It's not like we got married and we are "sealed for life" so now we can be lazy and take each other for granted.

I'm also afraid that this will happen and new guy will decide he's over it, then what? I three away an 8-year relationship for a fling.

No. You will have started dating him to start dating him. If the new thing ends because you and new potential aren't a long lasting thing? It ends because you two are not a long lasting thing.

What happens in the 8 year relationship is between (you + established BF.) And on that side of the V? It sounds like it needs thinking about rather than just "going on autopilot" up the relationship escalator with buying houses and marriage and kids. If it ends because current BF is not doing his fair share or the relationship has become dull? Then it ends because he's not doing his fair share or the relationship has fizzled.

You could keep the relationships separate.

But... There's also the possibility that I could be really, truly happy with new guy. And even that is terrifying (the idea of "starting over" with someone new).

Or... it won't pan out with either one of them and there will be a third dating partner who has yet to appear. *shrug* I'm not trying to depress you. My point is...

Don't be driving yourself crazy with a bunch of "what if this?" and "what if that?" future outcomes. Future is not here yet.

Be PRESENT and ride this out some. Let more of it unfold so you give yourself a chance to calm and hopefully more information comes up.

Take a deep breathe, center yourself, and when ready do the separate thinking you need to do.

1) Assess if the relationship with established BF is one you still want to participate in.

Yes -- just like it is
Yes -- but only if he steps it up and i stop carrying him
Yes -- but as friends rather than parnters
No -- not really.
Etc.​

2) Assess if the potential is anything of substance or just a flash in the pan that led to opening the relationship up.

3) Assess emergency preparedness. IF for some crazy reason you have to end it with one or the other or both... how will you live? Do you have a nest egg savings account? A friend to crash with? If you have neglected this area of your life, another thing to think about. Def do not become a SAHM without this plan in place. SAHMs are vulnerable if they don't have a nest egg. I know I wouldn't have done my run as a SAHM without my account in my own name with my own money.

Another thing... If established BF was wanting this for a while? Why didn't he bring it up?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello confusedinlove,

It strikes me that you have two decisions to make: first, whether you will continue to be involved with your boyfriend. And second, whether you will continue to date the new guy. I see these as two very separate decisions, and would encourage you to not let them get conflated with each other. You could end up dating neither, and that would be okay. You could end up dating both, and that would also be okay. You don't necessarily have to choose one or the other.

And while you do observe that you and the new guy are compatible in ways that you and your boyfriend are not, you should still consider that you're flooded with NRE right now. Sometimes when we're in NRE, we don't see the downside of a person (i.e. the new guy) or a relationship (i.e. your relationship with him). And NRE can take months or years to fade. So you may not see any downsides with him for awhile. You've been on two dates with him ... certainly not enough to get to know him well. Give yourself some time.

For now, I would say the thing to do is to keep on dating both the new guy and your boyfriend ... while at the same time, don't make long-term plans with either. Give yourself some room to consider each relationship separately. And talk with both of them about the idea of making long-term (poly) plans with both. Who knows, the three of you may end up living together, don't rule it out. Just don't get in a rush to make any decisions right now.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Ravenscroft]

Since it's been overlooked, let's go back to the root post, before the gratuitous ad hominem derailment. There's not much between-the-lines reading necessary.

User ChanningBee said that there are three suspected culprits here:

• "New Guy is making me feel this way."
• "Old Guy is making me feel this way."
• "The Universe is making me feel this way."

There's someone missing from the list.

Everything I previously said depends from that gap.