New to Poly and need some advice

[Just_trying_to_learn]

That's a general truth.

He probably does need some space to sort out what he wants in this new situation as well. That's valid. But it sucks for you to let you hanging.
I'd tell him you understand a need his for space but you need to schedule a conversation. That way at least you know when it's happening.

Yeah, you’re right. Thank you kindly for your words and advice.

 

[Magdlyn]

I honestly would love to talk to a poly counselor and see if what I am wanting is too much for: polyamory, this relationship or in general.

I feel like I am accepting crumbs from someone that just told me his poly friends are like, why did you take on a newb? After our last conversation, I feel like he’s just possibly going through the motions to save face for the time being, until he can break up with me. So I’m focusing on me and mentally preparing for that this coming weekend.

Before your talk, consider the relationship escalator. This is my version:

First contact (irl or on dating app)
Exchanging texts
Talking on phone
First date
First kiss
Going further sexually
Intercourse
Spending the night
Cooking, doing other household chores, running errands together
Meeting each other's friends
Meeting each other's families
Spending a weekend together
Taking a longer vacation together
Moving in together
Merging finances
Making major purchases (furniture, appliances, cars)
Getting a pet together
Buying a house
Having and raising children
Making retirement plans (financial plans, travel, etc.)
Eventual retirement

In monogamy, it is understood that the game plan is to ride this escalator to the top. In ENM/polyamorous and/or kink relationships, you can choose which "floor" to get off on. And you may skips floors. This can be kept in mind for yourself and your desires for relationships in general, or customized depending on your partner's expectations.

In your case, you and he might agree on the first few floors, but want to skip meeting each other's families. And you might want to only meet select friends, who understand ENM and kink. But you might enjoy the occasional weekend-long date. However, some relationships start out with the desire for "sex only," yet somehow get more serious over time. There's no rush to commitment, so try not to overreach and make people uncomfortable. It's too bad this couple stated they'd enjoy the daily texts and then seemed to change their minds. Possible red flag for further promises (even if they are more experienced than you).

Some people really don't enjoy texting much between dates, other than to just set up the next date. If you really want a consistent good morning and good night, and are willing to give up that which he feels he can provide naturally, you can break up and find someone who likes those morning and evening check-ins. But then again, if your irl dates are super satisfying, there's no need to throw the baby out with the bathwater, just to get a couple brief texts a day, perhaps.

By the way, it seems your local kink "community" really has a lot to say about a relationship that is between you and your Dom! Maybe you'd like to talk to him about both of you spending less time spilling the details of your relationship to people whom you both know that aren't actually in the relationship. If you want kink advice, you can go to a more anonymous forum like Fetlife instead, just as you've come here for ENM/poly advice. From what you've said in this thread, your local community seems pretty nosy and opinionated. It almost seems like they're doing more harm than good, to me. What do you think?

 

[Evie]

From someone who's been there, done that (new to poly, new to kink), it doesn't have to be like that (breadcrumbs).

I attempted to date the guy who didn't have the time to text me and ask me how I am. The playtime could be intense and fuelled my newbie sub frenzy, but everything was on his terms. He never wanted a relationship with me, just a sometime play partner. I wanted a D/s **relationship.**

I had a second play partner, one who did take the time to message me, have whole conversations about a wide variety of things. Still wasn't a compatible relationship partner as we have very different motivations to the playtimes and aftercare needs. I wanted romance and he and I just didn't fit like that.

But then I met my now long term partner. The kink aspects are there. The conversations are there. The romance is there.

You can find the compatible-across-the-board person too. You really don't have to settle for crumbs because they are "poly and kinky". Shelving you between playtimes is clearly not your idea of what a working poly and kinky relationship is. Don't settle for it.