New to Poly and need some advice

[Just_trying_to_learn]

Hello all, Newbie here and really could use some advice.

Recently started seeing a poly couple and his wife just broke up with me. She said we could be friends but honestly how can you go back to something you never had?

He said he is committed since we were friends before getting involved but I don’t know how to move forward. He seems to think that it’s my problem with polyamory, which i can admit… could be a factor but I also feel that these relationships aren’t meeting my needs and that could be the underlying problem.

I’ve been educating myself as best as I can but don’t know if what i’m going through is normal, if i’m the problem of perhaps this isn’t the relationship for me. I feel very alone and after our argument… I can’t go to him for reassurance.

So i come here seeking advice. How to I continue to have a relationship with him now? I would like to but I don’t want to cause any further damage to our relationship.

 

[Evie]

V shaped relationships are far more sustainable than triad/throuple relationships. The wife sounds like she made a good call by not trying to pursue a romantic etc. relationship with you but accepting that you'll be better as metamours than lovers. And you can still have a relationship with the husband. Great!

So, you're not "going back to" being friends... you're developing a more suitable relationship shape and you and her can become friendly metamours, someone you can share space with but not have intimate conversations or sex with.

But you've also said that your needs aren't being met. So what are these needs? Were you expecting a quick rush up the relationship escalator rather than taking things slowly? You said you only recently started seeing them, and now just him - so were you hoping for...what?

As for how you continue to have a relationship with him? You just do. You go out on dates, you continue to get to know one another, you enjoy his company, communicate with him between dates but don't expect him to be always answer your messages straight away because you respect that he has to allocate his time to work and his wife and their families. You don't expect him to be your all or your one and only, and you date other people too, or enrich your life with meaningful hobbies or volunteering or something else that "fills your cup". You grow your career, you make good financial decisions so you have a high level of independence, and you keep learning about poly relationships and if this is what you want in the long term.

 

[Just_trying_to_learn]

Well, I kinda got a quick up the escalator experience, like, 3 weeks after our first date, they made me their gf. I originally started seeing him, and then she kinda jumped on the bandwagon. We struggled for 5 months until she called it quits.

My needs aren’t clear, which makes things difficult. WhichIi’m working on. I don’t excpect to have all of his time, nor do I want that. I just want him to ask about my day, or wish me well sometimes. Generally, I’d like someone that is emotionally supportive, someone that doesn’t shame me for my feelings, and a partner that puts in real effort.

What I was hoping for was that we could grow as a triad and make a better connection over time. I was hoping that two people who were experienced… could kinda guide me through things. Give me tips, pointers and maybe things that helped them when they were first starting out. I feel like they threw me in the deep end of a pool when I didn’t know how to swim, and then got mad it wasn’t going well. lol. Strangers have suggested books and online material, which has been helpful, but I learned very early into this that this journey is mine alone. If I want to learn about it, I'm just gonna have to reach out and ask for the help, ya know.

But thank you, I will try my best to just enjoy his company. Perhaps one day, she and I can build towards a metamour relationship… but also not putting pressure on that either. Perhaps he and I will eventually end, as well. Who knows? lol. Not really trying to figure it out today.

I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to respond.

 

[Tinwen]

I don't quite understand. Does your breakup with the wife also mean a veto to your relationship with the husband? Or a partial veto, like "you can date him, but you'll always be secondary"? Or is a coprimary arrangement still an option?

 

[Just_trying_to_learn]

To be more clear, she is married legally to her husband that she lives with. My boyfriend is doing solo poly and lives apart from her. They don’t believe in hierarchy, like primary-type arrangements, so if he and I stay together, it is his decision.

 

[Evie]

Okay, so it's actually an N shaped polycule (if you choose to stick with it) and they are now both hinges. Is there anyone else involved?

What were you doing that was apparently so wrong, or perhaps naive, since this is your first attempt at being in a polycule?

"Like 3 weeks after our first date they made me their gf." What does this even mean? Did they start using the word girlfriend, or did they have some kind of requirements of you? Expect some list of commitments? What is expected of you now you're just dating him?

"I just want him to ask about my day isn’t of wishing me well sometimes. Generally, I’d like someone that is emotionally supportive, someone that doesn’t shame me for my feelings, and a partner that puts in real effort."

This isn't unreasonable!!! If he's not doing that, why are you dating him?

 

[Just_trying_to_learn]

She also started dating someone else about 2 months after we got together, so I’m curious what that makes our situation now.

I posted a journal entry online, expressing my hurt, lonely and sadness about a conversation I had with him, to our community, seeking comfort. But she said I put her on blast as a poor communicator to her community. It wasn’t about her. I didn’t name or gender anything, but doesn’t matter. She’s entitled to feel how she feels and protect her peace as she sees fit.

There is a kink aspect, so they started calling me their pet, their toy. We started hanging out every weekend and they collared me a few months in. There was no real talk of expectations like you were referring to, not that I can remember. I have no clue what is expected of me with him now. He’s coming down next weekend and I’m super anxious, cus we talk every day but again, it’s wishing me well… nothing of real substance and definitely not about what happened.

I’m dating him because part of me feels like I am the problem to some degree because I have trauma I haven’t dealt with. Maybe he is putting in effort like she was, and I just can’t see it. Perhaps I should have been grateful they even wished me well, instead of asking them to sometimes inquire about me or my day.

I really have been trying to do a lot of self-reflection and see where I went wrong and could have done better, but I don’t know what to do next, other than keep focusing on me and working on myself.

 

[LoveBunny]

I'm purely speaking from personal experience, here, but for me, the deeper I got into being a submissive, the less poly felt suitable. It's a deep, soul-shaking thing to truly submit to someone. I know plenty of people can do "pick up play" with strangers or separate kink from love, but I've found I need someone deeply committed to me before I can "go there" and come out unscathed.

Do some soul searching. Do you truly want to be poly? Or would you be happier with someone who was all about you and only you? Do you want to be someone's primary partner, or are you happy doing solo poly? What were you hoping to get out of dating a couple? Maybe you're bi, and figured this was a way to have "the best of both worlds." Maybe you wanted an instant polycule. Maybe you were just experimenting.

The most important thing to remember is that though you're a pet, but you're not just a sex toy! You don't have to put up with having your needs and emotions pushed aside because someone else finds them inconvenient. If your needs aren't being met by this person, or by this relationship formation, maybe time to think about what WOULD meet your needs. Go deep, be specific about your wants and needs, make a vision board or whatever. See how well (or not) your current r'ship adds up. Best of luck!

 

[Tinwen]

I'm purely speaking from personal experience, here, but for me, the deeper I got into being a submissive, the less poly felt suitable. It's a deep, soul-shaking thing to truly submit to someone.

I've been thinking about something similar yesterday when I read that post, without really having the words.

Being submissive is... Tricky. I'm not sure I dealt with it in a good way myself. It is possible to lose oneself, overstep one's own boundaries.

At the moment you don't seem very confident that you can ask for your needs being met, maybe not even aware of your own needs and wishes. It could be past trauma, it could be months of a bad relationship, could be beeing too deep in submission, could just seem like it from your writing because of breakup grief, could be all of it.

Poly requires quite a bit of assertiveness, and having one's own direction. Actually, I believe healthy kinky relationships require having those same skills - you have to be able to snap out of play and negotiate life-decisions as equals, which is kind of hard to do if there is an actual power imbalance (induced by age, money, assertiveness...) in the relationship.
Did your play spill over and perhaps even got mixed up with past trauma into a weird non-negotiated 24/7 feeling of submission?

 

[Magdlyn]

I recently started seeing a poly couple, and his wife just broke up with me.

So actually, this woman was just the guy's gf. She is not HIS wife. She's married to yet another guy, as you cleared up later, right?

If you're brand-new to polyamory, or ethical non-monogamy in general, you may have thought that in order to practice polyamory, as a single person, you needed to date two members of one couple. That's definitely NOT the case. In fact, trying to be a "unicorn" for an already committed couple is insanely hard and almost never works out.

Since this couple are dating and/or kink partners, not spouses, and in fact, the woman has already started dating another guy (for a total of three for her), it sounds like you're perfectly within your rights to just date/play/do kink with the guy. You can accept or reject the labels of "gf" and "toy," as you see fit. It's early days yet. It sounds like the relationship with him (and formerly with her) is still fairly casual.

She said we could be friends, but honestly, how can you go back to something you never had?

If you three just started out doing kink activities together, you can now go on to a more serious relationship with the guy, if desired, or keep it as "play partners," if that's all he can give. It sounds like you personally want deeper enmeshment, but that has to be mutually desired.

Whether you and the woman go on to be friends remains to be seen. If you meet at a club, you can certainly chat and hang out in between scenes, if that seems comfortable. But if she's mad that you shared some unhappiness with your communication efforts with her online, that might prevent closeness. That's okay. There's no need to be friends.

He said he is committed, since we were friends before getting involved, but I don’t know how to move forward. He seems to think that it’s my problem with polyamory, which I admit could be a factor, but I also feel that these relationships aren’t meeting my needs and that could be the underlying problem.

If he can't or won't communicate more clearly in between dates, you might have to accept that. Bring it up (in person) and see if he's interested or not.

I don’t know if what I'm going through is normal, if I'm the problem, or perhaps this isn’t the relationship for me. I feel very alone, and after our argument. I can’t go to him for reassurance.

Why not?

How to I continue to have a relationship with him now? I would like to, but I don’t want to cause any further damage to our relationship.

Talk clearly and honestly. Polyamory/ENM requires clear, honest and open communication on both sides. You can make requests, and see if he wants to meet them. If not, regroup and rethink if this whole thing will actually suit you, or if you can adapt to what it is, and seek others for something deeper.

 

[Just_trying_to_learn]

I'm purely speaking from personal experience, here, but for me, the deeper I got into being a submissive, the less poly felt suitable. It's a deep, soul-shaking thing to truly submit to someone. I know plenty of people can do "pick up play" with strangers or separate kink from love, but I've found I need someone deeply committed to me before I can "go there" and come out unscathed.

Do some soul searching. Do you truly want to be poly? Or would you be happier with someone who was all about you and only you? Do you want to be someone's primary partner, or are you happy doing solo poly? What were you hoping to get out of dating a couple? Maybe you're bi, and figured this was a way to have "the best of both worlds." Maybe you wanted an instant polycule. Maybe you were just experimenting.

The most important thing to remember is that though you're a pet, but you're not just a sex toy! You don't have to put up with having your needs and emotions pushed aside because someone else finds them inconvenient. If your needs aren't being met by this person, or by this relationship formation, maybe time to think about what WOULD meet your needs. Go deep, be specific about your wants and needs, make a vision board or whatever. See how well (or not) your current r'ship adds up. Best of luck!

Being newish to kink and then jumping into poly… was a mistake. I am bi and demisexual, so I thought my crush could grow into more over time, but I didn’t feel we were connecting as I had hoped. Am I poly? Still figuring that out.

They jumped into commitment so quickly and then went back to business and usual. I just thought there would be a grace period where they would focus on our new dynamic and relationship for a bit, but he went back to dating and she got another partner after she already claimed to be saturated.

Thank you for you words, you’ve given me much to think about.

 

[Just_trying_to_learn]

I've been thinking about something similar yesterday when I read that post, without really having the words.

Being submissive is... Tricky. I'm not sure I dealt with it in a good way myself. It is possible to lose oneself, overstep one's own boundaries.

At the moment you don't seem very confident that you can ask for your needs being met, maybe not even aware of your own needs and wishes. It could be past trauma, it could be months of a bad relationship, could be beeing too deep in submission, could just seem like it from your writing because of breakup grief, could be all of it.

Poly requires quite a bit of assertiveness, and having one's own direction. Actually, I believe healthy kinky relationships require having those same skills - you have to be able to snap out of play and negotiate life-decisions as equals, which is kind of hard to do if there is an actual power imbalance (induced by age, money, assertiveness...) in the relationship.
Did your play spill over and perhaps even got mixed up with past trauma into a weird non-negotiated 24/7 feeling of submission?

I honestly think that I became interested in him over time and should have done the same with her. I just got sucked up in the moment and she seemed sweet at the time. I thought having two Doms would help with my journey and I would learn more. Which was not the case.

 

[Just_trying_to_learn]

So actually, this woman was just the guy's gf. She is not HIS wife. She's married to yet another guy, as you cleared up later, right?

If you're brand-new to polyamory, or ethical non-monogamy in general, you may have thought that in order to practice polyamory, as a single person, you needed to date two members of one couple. That's definitely NOT the case. In fact, trying to be a "unicorn" for an already committed couple is insanely hard and almost never works out.

Since this couple are dating and/or kink partners, not spouses, and in fact, the woman has already started dating another guy (for a total of three for her), it sounds like you're perfectly within your rights to just date/play/do kink with the guy. You can accept or reject the labels of "gf" and "toy," as you see fit. It's early days yet. It sounds like the relationship with him (and formerly with her) is still fairly casual.

If you three just started out doing kink activities together, you can now go on to a more serious relationship with the guy, if desired, or keep it as "play partners," if that's all he can give. It sounds like you personally want deeper enmeshment, but that has to be mutually desired.

Whether you and the woman go on to be friends remains to be seen. If you meet at a club, you can certainly chat and hang out in between scenes, if that seems comfortable. But if she's mad that you shared some unhappiness with your communication efforts with her online, that might prevent closeness. That's okay. There's no need to be friends.

If he can't or won't communicate more clearly in between dates, you might have to accept that. Bring it up (in person) and see if he's interested or not.



Why not?

Talk clearly and honestly. Polyamory/ENM requires clear, honest and open communication on both sides. You can make requests, and see if he wants to meet them. If not, regroup and rethink if this whole thing will actually suit you, or if you can adapt to what it is, and seek others for something deeper.

I don’t want to belittle their commitment. If they say they are married and they collared each other… they are married. Legally though, not so much I guess.

Yes, I did think that I needed to be with both of them. Which I see now isn’t the case. I could have just dated him but I didn’t know how to say no, ya know.

And you’re right. I can date and be with him freely if that’s what I end up choosing. Currently he left me on read last night when I wrote him saying I was home after being gone all day. He of course hopped online and saw it but didn't read it. Which doesn’t feel great. I know he is my Dom but I didn’t say goodnight and have yet to say good morning. If he cares, he’ll write me.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Just_trying_to_learn,

You can continue to have a relationship with him now. Just don't cause any further damage to your relationship. I can't see any reason why you shouldn't ask him to ask how your day was. If you don't tell him, he won't know it's important to you.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

. Currently he left me on read last night when I wrote him saying I was home after being gone all day. He of course hopped online and saw it but didn't read it. Which doesn’t feel great. I know he is my Dom but I didn’t say goodnight and have yet to say good morning. If he cares, he’ll write me.

I don't know about attaching that much meaning to breaks in texting. Not everyone is that much into it. If I miss them, I always try to think that it's a good thing they don't have time to deal with online stuff - they're being present in their lives and hopefully busy with fun interesting stuff.

Is that a habit or ritual you established in the beginning of your relationship, to text every night and morning?

 

[Just_trying_to_learn]

Hello Just_trying_to_learn,

You can continue to have a relationship with him now. Just don't cause any further damage to your relationship. I can't see any reason why you shouldn't ask him to ask how your day was. If you don't tell him, he won't know it's important to you.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Oh, I’ve asked. He said I could ask for things, but it doesn’t mean that I will get them. I just have to accept his well wishes and be grateful I get those.

 

[Just_trying_to_learn]

I don't know about attaching that much meaning to breaks in texting. Not everyone is that much into it. If I miss them, I always try to think that it's a good thing they don't have time to deal with online stuff - they're being present in their lives and hopefully busy with fun interesting stuff.

Is that a habit or ritual you established in the beginning of your relationship, to text every night and morning?

It was established that they would say good morning and goodnight, but it’s been inconsistent since the argument. I’d like to have a conversation, but it doesn’t feel safe to bring it to him at this time.

It’s a lot and it’s messy. I should have taken a step back… a few times, and did things a lot differently. I really need to work on my self-worth, learn better boundaries and find my voice.

 

[Evie]

Oh I’m asked. He said I could ask for things but it doesn’t mean that I will get them. I just have to accept his well wishes and be grateful I get those

You don't have to accept crumbs. This guy may not be worth your submission and commitment.

 

[Tinwen]

Oh, I’ve asked. He said I could ask for things, but it doesn’t mean that I will get them.

That's a general truth.

It was established that they would say good morning and goodnight, but it’s been inconsistent since the argument. I’d like to have a conversation, but it doesn’t feel safe to bring it to him at this time.

He probably does need some space to sort out what he wants in this new situation, as well. That's valid. But it sucks for you to leave you hanging.
I'd tell him you understand his need for space, but you need to schedule a conversation. That way, at least you know when it's happening.

 

[Just_trying_to_learn]

You don't have to accept crumbs. This guy may not be worth your submission and commitment.

I honestly would love to talk to a poly counselor and see if what I am wanting is too much for: polyamory, this relationship or in general.

I feel like I am accepting breadcrumbs from someone that just told me his poly friends are like, why did you take on a newb? After our last conversation, I feel like he’s just possibly going through the motions to save face for the time being, until he can break up with me. So I’m focusing on me and mentally preparing for that this coming weekend.