New to poly, both partners insecure

R

Rail

New member
Hello,

I usually never do something like this, but given that this is my first time in a poly relationship and it involves the happiness of others, I'd really appreciate the input.

So, about 3 months ago I met 2 women, one who is in a poly relationship with another men and a women, and another women,
who never tried poly.

At first I just started talking to them, nothing in regards to a relationship in any way, but the more I got to know them, the more interested I was.
After a month, I told them both upfront, that I am interested in them, but also said, I'm getting to know the other one.
I kept both updated, was as honest as I could and everything was fine, both were okay with the idea.

But then about 2 weeks ago, both started to want more and more time with me and it has gotten to the point, where my poly partner said, she'd want to be mono with me and doesn't like that I am with my other partner and my other partner feels insecure about all this.

So both want me to make a decision and I am just feeling like an ass, for making both insecure and I myself just feel miserable.

I hate being indecisive, I'm usually never attracted to any person, so I was over the moon, when I met my partners, but now I'm really close to just walk away from the situation, because I really care for both, but I don't want to be forced by either, to choose.

I tried to get them both to talk, but neither wants to even meet the other, I kept talking to them for hours, so much even, that I woke up late for work, I generally don't even have time to myself anymore, because I keep on putting out fires.

I'd like to know, if there are people here, who had the same issue, how it ended for them and to make it easier on your partners.
 
Hello Rail,

As far as I can tell, you haven't done anything wrong, you haven't *made* your partners insecure. You've simply run into a situation where they've decided they don't want you to be poly anymore, while you still want to be poly. It isn't like you lied to them, you told them from the beginning what the situation was, and they consented to it. It's just that now they have changed their minds, which is fine, it just doesn't mean that you are at fault somehow.

You might want to give some thought to the question of whether you want to live polyamorously in the future. Because if you choose to keep seeing either of these partners, you are going to have to give up your polyamorous lifestyle, as well as giving up the other partner. If you want to keep being poly, you are going to have to break up with both partners. There are no right or wrong answers here, I am just pointing out that these are the exact options for you to choose from.

Tough situation; I don't envy you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
After a month, I told them both upfront, that I am interested in them, but also said, I'm getting to know the other one.
I kept both updated, was as honest as I could and everything was fine, both were okay with the idea.
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You were honest.

So both want me to make a decision and I am just feeling like an ass, for making both insecure and I myself just feel miserable.
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You didn't MAKE them insecure. It's just what they are feeling right now. They thought they could be ok with it, and it turns out they are not.

Is the poly one going to break up with all her other partners? And the non-poly one nervous like that one is trying to rope you off for herself or something?

I tried to get them both to talk, but neither wants to even meet the other, I kept talking to them for hours, so much even, that I woke up late for work, I generally don't even have time to myself anymore, because I keep on putting out fires.
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You could stop this behavior. Just because you are a hinge, doesn't mean you have to be like a poly life coach or "free therapist" to the others. You don't have to put out fires. It's ok to be sympathetic. It's not ok to stretch yourself thin.

I wonder if maybe because you are new to poly dating, maybe this seems bigger than it is? Take a step back. Breathe. Think it out.

What fire IS there really? That sometimes people date, and it works out and other times it doesn't? That is an acceptable risk to dating people. That happens even with monogamous dating. It's a bummer, but it's also not the end of the world.

You started dating two women and after 3 months of it?
  • One wants to break up with her poly network to be mono with just you and the other is worried this one trying to rope you off.
  • Or the one new to poly tried it and wants to stop.
However it is with those two?
  • You sound like you want to keep on poly dating.
So things aren't lining up here.

I hate being indecisive, I'm usually never attracted to any person, so I was over the moon, when I met my partners, but now I'm really close to just walk away from the situation, because I really care for both, but I don't want to be forced by either, to choose.
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So make a decision that you will honor what YOU want.

Could thank them for telling you up front where they are at now. Could tell them you still want to poly date. You will not pick one over the other.

If the one who wants to dump her whole poly network wants to stop doing poly? She can do that. But you will NOT be continuing with her in a monogamous situation. End it decently with her.

If the other one was nervous about you being roped off? But is willing to continue poly dating? Continue.

If she wants to stop doing poly and you want to keep going? End it decently with her.

Could say you understand if they thought they were good with it at first, but turns out they are not after trying for a few months. And now they want something else. So rather than continue banging heads on wall, you will bow out. You enjoyed meeting them and getting to know them and are sorry it didn't pan out. Wish them well on their future endeavours.

There. Done. Polite break up.

Then you don't have to be stressed. And you move on to seek more compatible poly dating partners when you are ready to date again.

I'd like to know, if there are people here, who had the same issue, how it ended for them and to make it easier on your partners.
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I think you are already doing what you can, maybe even OVERDOING to your own detriment. You don't have to keep talking for hours and miss out on sleep and then go to work all rough the next day.

If the poly one wants to break up with all her poly network and be with just you? She can want that. That doesn't mean YOU have to automatically want that. You can tell her "No, that isn't for me."

If the one who never tried poly gave it a shot and found out it wasn't for her after all? She can want to stop. That doesn't mean YOU automatically have to stop wanting to poly dating. Just means you can't do it with her. You can tell her "No, that isn't for me."

Try to keep things simpler on yourself.

Galagirl
 
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I'm pretty confused about who is who in this story, but I gather that you have one (or more) partners who are asserting that they no longer want you to date someone else? Or at least that they want you to adjust an aspect of one of your other associations?

Regardless of the details, my answer will be the same - nope. My central boundary with regard to dating or even associating with anyone else is that they do not even attempt to restrict or modify my behavior with any other person. It's fine to have an opinion I suppose, and I'm often happy to help someone talk through the insecurity issues that they are having, but it is never ok for them to make their insecurities MY issue to resolve.

Who I have relationships with, what those relationships consist of, how long they last, how much of my time they take up, are all aspects of an association that are not up for a vote to anyone outside of that particular relationship. So for me the recommendation is to decide what you want, state clearly what you want, and don't allow others to pressure you into changing who you are.
 
I am confused. Let me try to clarify your situation.

You are dating a poly woman and a mono woman. You met both of them around the same time. You aren't experienced with poly, but since you like both women, you want to give it a try.

But now the poly woman is saying she wants to be monogamous with you???? Doesn't the poly woman have at least two other partners, a man and a woman? Is she going to dump both of them to be monogamous with you? Why???

That would be a red flag for me--poly people don't usually want to do this. It's very strange for a poly person to suddenly demand you be monogamous and give up your other partner. Especially when you haven't been dating very long. Why would she want to give up her other established partners all of a sudden? That would be a red flag for me.

No wonder your second partner, the woman mono, is feeling insecure! I'd be insecure if my partner's other partner was asking him to go monogamous with her and give me up. That would be really upsetting!

If this is your situation, my advice would be: break up with the poly woman because she sounds too unstable to do poly with.

Then decide if YOU want to be poly for yourself, because it's the right relationship style for you, regardless of who you are dating.

Then discuss this with your mono partner. If you want to be poly, even without the other woman in the picture, explain that to her. Let her decide if she wants to continue things with you on those terms. Does she like the idea of poly for herself? Would she rather be monogamous?

Would you choose to be monogamous if the mono woman asks for that? Would you be happy that way, or would you rather be polyamorous?

To me, you need to do some thinking about what you actually want, separately from these two particular women.

But I would be VERY cautious about getting more serious with the poly woman, because it's weird for her to be demanding monogamy of all a sudden, and suggests that she's not clear on what she wants and has some unhealthy stuff going on.
 
Sorry for the late reply, was a hell of a day.

Well, I wrote both, the same message, telling them how I feel and how it affected me, my poly partner understood and apologised,
the other one, not so much, she blamed me, for trying to build a harem and started to tell me, that I am a madman, for thinking,
I can love two people.

Thank you all for your answers, it will be a long time, before I try anything else anyway, this was enough for me, for the foreseeable future.
Still hurts, I genuinely cared for her, very much, but can't really force her to do anything, I just hope, from here on out, it will be easier.
Again, thanks for the replies, just read them all.
 
Sounds like if you break up with one partner, the monogamous partner, then you will be able to live a poly life with the other partner, the polyamorous partner. But if you break up with the poly partner, then you will have to give up any poly life that you may have wanted to live. I don't know if these points affect your choice in any way. Heck, you might decide that both partners are unstable, and not worth dating any further.
 
Well, I wrote both, the same message, telling them how I feel and how it affected me, my poly partner understood and apologised,
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Glad she apologized for the odd behavior. If you and her want different things now, it's nobody's fault. This just doesn't line up. That is part of what dating is -- sorting out the compatible people.

the other one, not so much, she blamed me, for trying to build a harem and started to tell me, that I am a madman, for thinking,
I can love two people.
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Well, she's not the one living inside of you. YOU are there. If you decide you can love two people? You can. It's not up to her.

It's too bad she didn't take the break up with more grace though. You were up front with her at the beginning. She didn't have to choose to date you if this wasn't her cup of tea. Or if she wanted to try to find out and learned it isn't her thing? Well, part without rancor then.

Thank you all for your answers, it will be a long time, before I try anything else anyway, this was enough for me, for the foreseeable future.
Still hurts, I genuinely cared for her, very much, but can't really force her to do anything, I just hope, from here on out, it will be easier.
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No break up, even when the right thing to do is FUN. But def better to linger in the healing place and not the dragging it out place.

I hope in time you feel better.

Galagirl
 
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Sheesh, what a rollercoaster.

Why did you even think you needed to choose between 2 women after only having been dating them for 3 months? Our culture is so monocentric, it demands we choose one and only one partner after a couple of dates. This is just so unrealistic. It's tiresome. People have the right to decide how many people they feel like dating at once. Why the big push to make a firm choice when you barely know someone?

Of course, this is the way we feel forced in our culture. Decide now, or lose both (or all) partners! How does this even make sense, though?
 
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