New to Poly Love

[Tripp]

Hi, from the San Francisco Bay area! I'm a queer person that's been poly for six years (two years while married, and four years solo poly). I was married for 10 years; it was not a loving marriage. Within the last three years I've dated poly with no issue, and all my partners were married. I enjoyed my experiences as a solo poly person and had no interest in partnership.
However, within the past year I've fallen in love with a person who is married, and new to poly. The relationship agreement between my partner and their wife was initially that they'd have an open relationship, and then they (my partner is non binary) met me, and negotiated for a poly relationship. My partner only has a relationship with their wife (the wife is monogamous) and me, otherwise the relationship is closed. I'm struggling emotionally because I'm in a V relationship, and feeling less and less inclined to be actively poly. I have no desire to date other people, but know I should. I can't seem to stop the desire to have more time with my partner. I'm so happy when we're together, and have to work hard to feel content when they aren't with me. So, I've begun to cut off communication with them during the weeks we're apart because talking to them during the absence period makes the longing for them worse. I'm not sure if this is a healthy response, and I'm still exploring how to manage this emotional difficulty. I haven't been in love with anyone in years, and not sure why I'm reacting to it this way.

 

[Magdlyn]

Love comes along rarely. Let's just get that out in the open. Congrats on falling in love! Is your partner also in love with you?

It sounds like you're in a long distance relationship, and it's feeling tough to deal with. Is the other couple having issues around renegotiating their relationship from "open" (maybe sex only) to full on polyamory?

I can understand how it could hurt too much to merely text or facetime someone when you really want or "need" to be with them, to touch them. Personally, over the years of poly dating, I began to seek only people who lived within a half hour's drive from me. That was a workable distance to make meeting at least once a week reasonable and easy.

But here you are, in love. It sounds like you're wondering about coping skills for LDRs. Is that right?

Is your SO OK with you talking less in between dates? I'd say most people in LDRs do the opposite. They make sure to talk pretty often to keep the bond strong, to get support, do cam sex, etc. Many set up, say, one good hour-long chat session per week, with a couple other shorter talks, or even daily good morning and good night check-ins.

Is there any chance of someone moving closer to be able to make this a real life relationship instead of a long distance mostly cyber one?

 

[Tripp]

Hi and thank you for your response. Yes, LDR coping skills are welcomed. My partner and I exchanged love declarations give months ago. They agreed when I said I'll be out of communication, so I'm assuming they are ok with it. My partner lives about two hours away, we see one another IRL twice a month (which is a new arrangement), and because they cohabitate with a partner they don't feel comfortable with cam sex (sometimes we exchange sexual text messages). They fear the wife could hear, or worse witness it, lol. So we typically have sanitized conversations, morning greetings and evening farewells. We spend most of the time by phone or text exchanging affectionately, but not sexually. It's like they turn on and off, IRL with me they're very romantic and affectionate, but once home, with her, they're loving but non sexual. There's been talk of them moving closer to me, but there's no timeline for that, and they've discussed wanting to marry me (asked me about the possibility of me living with them; I declined), because that seems nonsensical. Anyway, thanks for the suggestions, and opportunity for expression.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Tripp,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sorry to hear about your difficult situation; LDRs are hard. I don't know what your partner means when they say they want to marry you, as they already have a spouse (wife) and polygamy is illegal. I do think you and your partner want to be together more, but at the moment you're not sure how to make that happen. This is a very special relationship for you, and it is hard for you to be away from your partner. I don't know what to suggest, but I do sympathize.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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[Tripp]

Thanks! And with regard to discussion of marriage, poly folk do marry one another, ceremonially (as queer folk did before legal "gay" marriage).

 

[kdt26417]

Ah, you mean like handfastings, and commitment ceremonies. My two V companions and I did that in 2009. As far as I know, we didn't break any laws!

 

[Tripp]

Lol, yes!

 

[Magdlyn]

LDR coping skills are welcomed. My partner and I exchanged love declarations months ago. They agreed when I said I'll be out of communication, so I'm assuming they are ok with it.

My partner lives about two hours away. We see one another IRL twice a month (which is a new arrangement). Because they cohabitate with a partner [spouse] they don't feel comfortable with cam sex. Sometimes we exchange sexual text messages. They fear their wife could hear, or worse witness it, lol.

Hmm, it sounds like they could help your relationship work better if they talked to their wife about setting aside some private time for them to do cam sex with you. I think you'd like that. Most poly partnered people do negotiate private time with their OSOs, whether it be in real life or cyberly. That would bear thinking about.

In my own life, my partner is fine with me having sex in our house when she's here. We have 2 floors, so generally I take the bedroom and other upstairs spaces for time with my partner, and she goes downstairs to the family room/workshop area for a while, bringing snacks, drinks and whatever else she might need for that time period. Lately however, we are both lucky enough to have bfs who are free on weekends, so she goes to her bf's house, and my bf comes here. (They are both local guys.)

So we typically have sanitized conversations, morning greetings and evening farewells. We spend most of the time by phone or text exchanging affectionately, but not sexually. It's like they turn on and off, IRL with me they're very romantic and affectionate, but once home, with her, they're loving but non sexual.

How does that feel for you? Does it make you feel kind of second class? I would find it a bit frustrating and disrespectful, myself, so I might be projecting... No wonder you don't want to talk so often though, if you're basically friendzoned in every convo.

There's been talk of them moving closer to me, but there's no timeline for that, and they've discussed wanting to marry me (asked me about the possibility of me living with them; I declined), because that seems nonsensical.

It's flattering they asked you to marry them after only one year of dating (and already being married), but I'd recommend living closer to each other first, and having a regular dating schedule before that! There's no rush to move in together, but having separate houses/apartments in the same town, or one town over, would be helpful for that. Then you get to see them more often and see how things go...

Anyway, thanks for the suggestions, and opportunity for expression.

 

[Tripp]

Thank you so much!