New to poly, MFM

[mountaingirl]

Hey everyone! Apologies if this is a super vanilla problem or has been dealt with before, but it's really throwing me for a loop! I have been in a committed mono relationship for a couple years now, and am super happy with my partner. Around the same time we starting hanging out, we became friends with another guy that has become very important in both of our lives. He loves both of us and respects my partner and I's relationship, but we are both very attracted to one another and have expressed these feelings. We've been physically intimate (cuddling n stuff), but no sex. I would like to take things further, and so would our friend, but since neither of these 2 have been in a poly relationship or dated someone poly before (and neither have I!) I'm finding it difficult to maneuver this situation. I am of course being mindful of my partner's feelings, and have talked about everything with him, while also talking with our friend and trying not to let him feel taken advantage of or left out. Simultaneously, I'm trying to stamp out my own feelings of objectification and "does he really love me or is he just trying to fuck" anxieties, as well as feeling guilty for wanting to have sex with my partner's best friend (even though he's also my best friend). I feel like I've beat a dead horse talking about this with my partner, as he has a hard time understanding how I could want more when our relationship is so great, both emotionally and sexually, and thinks that I must be looking for something that he can't provide. I really just want to show our friend how much I love him, and it's reached a point where words simply aren't enough. The funny thing is we already HAVE a polyamorous relationship; we go on vacations together, we plan on all moving in together next year, and we all have an awesome time hanging out with one another. I love them both so much! Which is part of the reason why this is bothering me; I feel scared that I could unwittingly hurt both of them. If you guys have any advice or suggestions for external resources that would help, I'd greatly appreciate it! Also my name is supposed to be "mountain girl" from the movie Ladykillers but I fucked up lol

 

[Inaniel]

I feel like I've beat a dead horse talking about this with my partner, as he has a hard time understanding how I could want more when our relationship is so great, both emotionally and sexually, and thinks that I must be looking for something that he can't provide.

My interpretation of beating a dead horse is that negotiations have been exhausted and the two of you are firmly at odds. If that is the case you may have to accept your poly nature and allow your bf to accept his mono nature. Next steps would be talking about reconfiguring or ending the relationship.

The funny thing is we already HAVE a polyamorous relationship; we go on vacations together, we plan on all moving in together next year, and we all have an awesome time hanging out with one another. I love them both so much!

I am confused, earlier in your post you said that none of you have ever been in a poly relationship and now you are saying that all of you are already in one.... Has ethical non-monogamy been discussed and an agreement reached between everyone? On its face this portion of the post serves to undermine the rest. The way I interpret this is that YOU think you are already in a poly relationship but THEY don’t realize it. The fact that your bf has not yet consented to an open relationship does NOT actually sound like poly to me...

Which is part of the reason why this is bothering me; I feel scared that I could unwittingly hurt both of them. If you guys have any advice or suggestions for external resources that would help, I'd greatly appreciate it! Also my name is supposed to be "mountain girl" from the movie Ladykillers but I fucked up lol

Have you considered that you may have already hurt your boyfriend? You told your mono boyfriend that you want to have sex with his best friend, is that correct? If so, that sort of thing festers in the mind. That alone would be relationship-ending for some couples.

I feel like we had a thread almost identical to this recently, you may want to read around a bit. I personally don’t really understand what your asking us for. Tips on how you get your boyfriend to comply with your desires? If you have already discussed it ad nauseam how are we supposed to do that? I would instead encourage you to accept his position start making some decisions for yourself, (like ending the relationship so you can find what you really want).

At the very least, I would recommend against the three of you moving-in together until you get the whole who’s sleeping with who figured out. Because it might not be possible for your to have the type of relationship that you want with these two particular individuals. But that doesn’t mean you can’t find the type of relationship you want with different people... That is the risk you take when polyamory isn’t discussed until after a mono relationship is established, sometimes a couple can work it out, often they can’t. If you find yourself in the latter category, it might be time to move on.

 

[mountaingirl]

Hey Inaniel! Thanks for the input. I guess when it comes to advice I was asking for, it was more how to work past the feelings I'm having/deal with them as they are now. My friendship with both of these people as well as my partnership is what is most important to me. The dynamic I share with them is so awesome, I worry that this will complicate things regardless of the outcome. I will never act on anything if it hurts my partner, because I don't see it as worth losing him, but I also feel like this other person feels left out at times and am thrown by the strong feelings we share. I only say "beating a dead horse" because although my partner has said he is okay with and will work through feelings he has about anything I do, that doesn't really seem right to me, as I don't want to cause him that distress in the first place (about the aforementioned "what could he be providing that I can't" thoughts). As far as him knowing, he is very understanding of those feelings and appreciates me being open and honest with him instead of pretending they aren't there. And when I said I felt like we were in a poly relationship already, I mean it in a nonsexual sense which I'm pretty sure still goes under the title of polyamory? We frequently verbally and sometimes physically (though nonsexually) express our love for each other (so yeah, oops I may have contradicted myself, please forgive I get confused by semantics at times). We have actually lived together before and it was really cool, the first time I lived with roommates and enjoyed it lol. They are both amazing sparks in my life and I guess I was just looking for reassurance that I haven't already changed things--definitely letting my anxiety get the best of me since they've both assured me that everything is fine. Thanks for the insight. I do think it gave me perspective on my next steps if I decide I really do want to open things up. When my partner and I started our relationship it was open, but in a "don't ask don't tell" type of way that I'm not sure I could be okay with now--it felt less like polyamory in a partnership and more like polyamory with myself as the primary (so I guess I have been in a polyamorous relationship after all). Just typing all this out has helped a lot though, this forum is awesome

 

[mountaingirl]

Also just realized I said he was understanding of my feelings but also not understanding in the first post haha yikes. I think I explained it in a way that makes sense though.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Hey everyone! Apologies if this is a super vanilla problem or has been dealt with before, but it's really throwing me for a loop! I have been in a committed mono relationship for a couple years now, and am super happy with my partner. Around the same time we starting hanging out, we became friends with another guy that has become very important in both of our lives. He loves both of us and respects my partner and I's relationship, but we are both very attracted to one another and have expressed these feelings. We've been physically intimate (cuddling n stuff), but no sex. I would like to take things further, and so would our friend, but since neither of these 2 have been in a poly relationship or dated someone poly before (and neither have I!) I'm finding it difficult to maneuver this situation. I am of course being mindful of my partner's feelings, and have talked about everything with him, while also talking with our friend and trying not to let him feel taken advantage of or left out. Simultaneously, I'm trying to stamp out my own feelings of objectification and "does he really love me or is he just trying to fuck" anxieties, as well as feeling guilty for wanting to have sex with my partner's best friend (even though he's also my best friend). I feel like I've beat a dead horse talking about this with my partner, as he has a hard time understanding how I could want more when our relationship is so great, both emotionally and sexually, and thinks that I must be looking for something that he can't provide. I really just want to show our friend how much I love him, and it's reached a point where words simply aren't enough. The funny thing is we already HAVE a polyamorous relationship; we go on vacations together, we plan on all moving in together next year, and we all have an awesome time hanging out with one another. I love them both so much! Which is part of the reason why this is bothering me; I feel scared that I could unwittingly hurt both of them. If you guys have any advice or suggestions for external resources that would help, I'd greatly appreciate it! Also my name is supposed to be "mountain girl" from the movie Ladykillers but I fucked up lol

Don't date your boyfriend's best friend. Unless you have agreed to be partners in a romantic relationship, this is not polyamory. You're friends who enjoy time together and share future plans.

I think it is a terrible idea to put what you have at risk so you can be with your boyfriend's best friend.

If you are poly, you'll find other compatible partners who will be better candidates. If you're not and just have a crush on your man's friend, you'll soon know that too.

 

[mountaingirl]

Don't date your boyfriend's best friend. Unless you have agreed to be partners in a romantic relationship, this is not polyamory. You're friends who enjoy time together and share future plans.

I think it is a terrible idea to put what you have at risk so you can be with your boyfriend's best friend.

If you are poly, you'll find other compatible partners who will be better candidates. If you're not and just have a crush on your man's friend, you'll soon know that too.

Yeah I think I'm also coming to a similar conclusion; time will tell I suppose. I also think it's interesting how both of you have mentioned this other man as "my boyfriend's best friend" multiple times, however he is also my best friend. As a result, I'm having to maneuver hanging out alone with him and the things he says and does that make it clear that he thinks of me in other ways than platonic. I feel at times as if I'm the only one keeping things from getting physical, which I guess is an entirely different problem. Thanks for the insight

 

[Inaniel]

I also think it's interesting how both of you have mentioned this other man as "my boyfriend's best friend" multiple times, however he is also my best friend.

You poor thing..

Forgive my bias, perhaps I felt like your bf has a lot to lose and it could be beneficial to remind you that this man you are crushing on is your partners best friend.

I think it’s hard to give advice to someone who is flip flopping. My advice right now would be to make a decision.

If you want to have sex with the friend you can tell your bf, “Hey, I’m going to have sex with Friend, I still love you, it won’t change how I feel about you and I will do my best to be supportive during this transition.” Boyfriend can then say “okay I will try” or “we need to break up”.

Expecting your bf to be able to cope with you having a loving sexual relationship with Friend. AND, don’t forget, Friend being able to cope with your relationship with bf once Friend falls in love with you, is a low probability. Have an exit strategy.

If you decide to go the mono rout you should lay out boundaries with Friend and say something like “Hey Friend, I have decided to be mono with BF and we need to establish some boundaries. It is no longer appropriate or respectful for you to make sexual passes at me ect...”

If cohabitating all together will place you in a precarious living situation with your finances I advise making a decision before moving in together. I would plan on being able to cover a couple of rent payments at the shared appt in addition to a new appt in case you need to bail.

 

[Magdlyn]

I also noted that. Let's call bf #1 Joe, and bf #2 John.

Joe is your longer term partner, but you and he met and befriended John simultaneously. It's not like you may just cause risk to the guy's relationship with each other, by taking things to a new level with John. You are all going into this as equals. It could cause you to lose both men, or one, or neither. You might end up in a MFM V, or you might end up single, or you might lose both guys as lovers and keep them as friends. Or you may all 3 end up going your separate ways.

I think, since Joe said he is OK with trying this, you should! Yes, it might be painful at first. He might feel at sea. You might feel at sea. John seems to feel at sea already. You could get the sexual aspect out in the open, and start to deepen that and see where it leads. It's already the elephant in the room! You can't keep pushing it under the carpet. It's not going to go away, unless you and Joe decide to cut John completely out of your lives.

Kevin is not an admin here. He's just a member like you and me, who chose to be official greeter. He has some ideas about poly, but they aren't official correct poly ideas... anyway! He's in a MFM V, and I've heard him admitit was hard at first. His brother husband had the woman first, and Kevin was the "interloper," a platonic friend who became something more. Now they all live together in peace and relative harmony, it seems.

MFM V's do seem to work better than FMF Vs, FFFs, MMMs, or MFMF quads.

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't know if this helps you any. To me your posts read like anxiety mind hopping from one thing to another. So I took the liberty of organizing by person.

YOU

If you guys have any advice or suggestions for external resources that would help, I'd greatly appreciate it! Also my name is supposed to be "mountain girl" from the movie Ladykillers but I fucked up lol

In general, I'd suggest making up your mind and then going for whichever path you pick.

• Pursue this poly V with these people.
• Or let it go and DO NOT pursue poly with these two people.

Make a decision, become firm of purpose, and align your behavior towards that.

So you can stop doing “anxiety hamster wheel” in your head. I could be wrong in my impression but it sounds like you are doing that and then the anxiety clouds make it harder on you.

The funny thing is we already HAVE a polyamorous relationship; we go on vacations together, we plan on all moving in together next year, and we all have an awesome time hanging out with one another.

That doesn't sound like a consensual poly relationship to me. That sounds like some close friends and roomies. Don't get lost in fantasy. If you decide you want to pursue a poly V, get your feet on the ground and actually have the conversations you need to be having with these potentials to see where they stand. Obtain consent.

Don't be pretending you are polyshipping just because you are too scared to actually talk to them about it. It isn't going to help you have a clear head if you tell yourself stories.

I love them both so much! Which is part of the reason why this is bothering me; I feel scared that I could unwittingly hurt both of them.

I think you are all adults. I believe feelings ensue after behaviors.

So if you aren't doing mean things to them on purpose? Not forcing things on them?

Whatever it is they happen to feel after they observe something, think something, or do something? Whether sunny days or stormy clouds? They are adult enough to do their own emotional management around those feelings. Feelings all pass in time. Then new ones float up depending on what else has been going on.

And say you DID hurt them by mistake. So what? What doom thing would happen?

You couldn't just apologize for the misunderstanding? The basic apology format?

• Say you are sorry.
• Own the behavior you did that caused harm, even if accidental. (ex: borrowed the vac and lost it)
• Say what you will change/do in future behavior so it doesn't happen again / fix things. (ex: be more careful with their things you borrow)
• Ask for forgiveness and opportunity to make amends and then follow thru (ex: You offer to give them a new vac or money/gift card so they can get a new vac. Then you DO IT. )

My friendship with both of these people as well as my partnership is what is most important to me. The dynamic I share with them is so awesome, I worry that this will complicate things regardless of the outcome.

If you think talking honestly with them about a poly V will wreck the friendships? Then leave it be. Don't pursue a poly V and enjoy what you have. Stop cuddling/making out with the friend so the crush stuff can fade down. And then you don't have to deal with these crushy feelings confusing you any more.

Just because you feel something doesn't mean you HAVE to pursue.

BOYFRIEND

I feel like I've beat a dead horse talking about this with my partner, as he has a hard time understanding how I could want more when our relationship is so great, both emotionally and sexually, and thinks that I must be looking for something that he can't provide.

How about...

"I love you. You are awesome and all the YOU I could ever want. But no. You cannot magically turn yourself into two people. I want polyamory. I want to have more than one sweetie. So it is nothing you did. And you are totally enough YOU for me. But you can't be more than 1 person. Limit of the Universe. "

When my partner and I started our relationship it was open, but in a "don't ask don't tell" type of way that I'm not sure I could be okay with now

Could educate yourselves on other open models.

I only say "beating a dead horse" because although my partner has said he is okay with and will work through feelings he has about anything I do, that doesn't really seem right to me, as I don't want to cause him that distress in the first place (about the aforementioned "what could he be providing that I can't" thoughts).

I mean this kindly, ok? Deal with your own feelings.

Expect other adults to deal with their own emotional management. Are you dating some delicate flower person? Where you have to wrap him in cotton?

If you need clarity? Actually ask your BF what he means. "When you said you are ok and will work through feelings about anything I do... are you saying you would be up for a poly V?"

If he's willing to go there and experience whatever it is he feels? It's his choice to go there. He is in charge of his consent and participation.

Are you able to observe loved ones experiencing THEIR OWN FEELINGS, whether happy ones or not, without that triggering your own anxiety or taking their stuff on board for yourself? Because polyshipping comes with a lot of intensity and a lot more feelings to process than a 2 people relationship would.

FRIEND

I really just want to show our friend how much I love him, and it's reached a point where words simply aren't enough.

Have you just come right out and asked friend if he would be up for a poly V?

I will never act on anything if it hurts my partner, because I don't see it as worth losing him, but I also feel like this other person feels left out at times and am thrown by the strong feelings we share.

Left out HOW? Again... Have you actually asked BF if he's up for a poly V with you and the friend? And then asked friend if he's up for a poly V with your and BF?

I think some of your anxiety might be self provoked. Like you spend too much time going "what if this?" or "What if that? " in your head rather than having ACTUALY CONVERSATION with these guys. Also maybe some anxiety from everything being in the same bucket in your head. Like analysis paralysis -- think so much you freeze.

It sounds nitpicky but consider being more precise with your words. Could leave "I feel" for your actual emotions. And "I observe" or "I experience" for the things you actually observe or experience. And "I think" for your thoughts.

Then hopefully as you think about things, they are in their own category and not a big pile of confusion -- thoughts, feelings, observations all in a jumble. YKWIM?

IME, anxious people tend to take on board everyone else's stuff and then that just makes the anxiety jumble pile bigger. Keep YOUR stuff in better order, and let other people deal with THEIR stuff.

We've been physically intimate (cuddling n stuff), but no sex

To me, feelings ensue after behavior. If you and friend go around cuddling and stuff? Of course you are both developing crush-y feelings for each other.

If he's going to stay "my best friend" to you and nothing else? You may have to firm up your boundaries and only "friend hug" and not like "cuddle or make out" with him if it leads to confusing feelings for both of you.

(Cont)

 

[GalaGirl]

They are both amazing sparks in my life and I guess I was just looking for reassurance that I haven't already changed things--definitely letting my anxiety get the best of me since they've both assured me that everything is fine.

Then why not believe them? Or ask them to reassure you? Are they not trustworthy people? Do they not say what they mean?

CONCLUSION

Again, I suggest you become more firm of purpose in yourself.

1) If you value the friendship most and don't want to risk messing that up if poly dating goes wrong? Stop making out with the friend. Set and have better personal boundaries with yourself and with the others. Stop poly fantasizing and calling it "practically poly" in your head and just call it "close friends." Get out of your head with feet on the ground more.

And maybe postpone moving into together for a while so your crush on friend has time to die down. Because if that's still going on, it's going to be hard living together with him. Him watching you and BF paired off. You watching him dating people not you.

2) If you want to date both men, ASK them to consider if they are up for a poly V. A polyship doesn't exist here until all parties have actually CONSENTED to participate in one.

If they are up for trying? Do NOT move in together at this time, because dealing with a poly V is change enough. And go there knowing that it might turn out

• Just fine with all 3 together in a poly V
  
  • That is closed so it's just you three
  • that is open, so any of you might also polydate other people
  • some kind of combo where some date others and some don't.
• Polydating only 1 and breaking up with the other because it turns out they can't deal in poly
  
  • They become your ex and good friend
  • They become just your ex, not friends any more
• Broken up with both
  
  • They become your exes and good friends still in touch
  • They become just your exes. Everyone single, not in touch with each other any more.

By not living together too soon, you all avoid it breaking up and having to move again so soon or being stuck living with exes you don't really want to be living with any more. If the poly V thing turns out ok, can always talk about living together later down.

Galagirl

 

[mountaingirl]

Agh this is a lot of really great stuff! Thanks so much

Then why not believe them? Or ask them to reassure you? Are they not trustworthy people? Do they not say what they mean?

CONCLUSION

Again, I suggest you become more firm of purpose in yourself.

1) If you value the friendship most and don't want to risk messing that up if poly dating goes wrong? Stop making out with the friend. Set and have better personal boundaries with yourself and with the others. Stop poly fantasizing and calling it "practically poly" in your head and just call it "close friends." Get out of your head with feet on the ground more.

And maybe postpone moving into together for a while so your crush on friend has time to die down. Because if that's still going on, it's going to be hard living together with him. Him watching you and BF paired off. You watching him dating people not you.

2) If you want to date both men, ASK them to consider if they are up for a poly V. A polyship doesn't exist here until all parties have actually CONSENTED to participate in one.

If they are up for trying? Do NOT move in together at this time, because dealing with a poly V is change enough. And go there knowing that it might turn out

• Just fine with all 3 together in a poly V
  
  • That is closed so it's just you three
  • that is open, so any of you might also polydate other people
  • some kind of combo where some date others and some don't.
• Polydating only 1 and breaking up with the other because it turns out they can't deal in poly
  
  • They become your ex and good friend
  • They become just your ex, not friends any more
• Broken up with both
  
  • They become your exes and good friends still in touch
  • They become just your exes. Everyone single, not in touch with each other any more.

By not living together too soon, you all avoid it breaking up and having to move again so soon or being stuck living with exes you don't really want to be living with any more. If the poly V thing turns out ok, can always talk about living together later down.

Galagirl

yes I definitely have a ton of issues with anxiety. While they are both trustworthy people, I do think they have some maturing to do in the emotional intelligence department, and I think their lack of communication is leaving space for me to fill with my own worries. I haven't asked if they'd be into a polyV yet, I think I've looked to both of them to figure out their emotions and report to me and it seems they aren't going to have a conversation with all of us unless I initiate it. I do think this has to be dealt with in some way, and I have problems setting boundaries as well... I think part of me worries based on previous experiences with other men that if I set these boundaries with my friend our friendship will suffer (which is horseshit, I know). I do agree that I'm going back and forth, TOTALLY sounds like me. I have some decisions to make, but my relationship with both of these men is strong enough that I know I can bring the polyV question up without ruining anything, and depending on the answer I can move forward. I like your point also that I don't have to act on feelings, I've felt responsible to "do something" or that something major has to change ever since this started happening but stopping the intimacy is also a solution to these feelings.

 

[mountaingirl]

I also noted that. Let's call bf #1 Joe, and bf #2 John.

Joe is your longer term partner, but you and he met and befriended John simultaneously. It's not like you may just cause risk to the guy's relationship with each other, by taking things to a new level with John. You are all going into this as equals. It could cause you to lose both men, or one, or neither. You might end up in a MFM V, or you might end up single, or you might lose both guys as lovers and keep them as friends. Or you may all 3 end up going your separate ways.

I think, since Joe said he is OK with trying this, you should! Yes, it might be painful at first. He might feel at sea. You might feel at sea. John seems to feel at sea already. You could get the sexual aspect out in the open, and start to deepen that and see where it leads. It's already the elephant in the room! You can't keep pushing it under the carpet. It's not going to go away, unless you and Joe decide to cut John completely out of your lives.

Kevin is not an admin here. He's just a member like you and me, who chose to be official greeter. He has some ideas about poly, but they aren't official correct poly ideas... anyway! He's in a MFM V, and I've heard him admitit was hard at first. His brother husband had the woman first, and Kevin was the "interloper," a platonic friend who became something more. Now they all live together in peace and relative harmony, it seems.

MFM V's do seem to work better than FMF Vs, FFFs, MMMs, or MFMF quads.

THANK YOU for acknowledging some of the weirdness that I'm feeling because we all met at the same time... we're all feeling 'at sea' currently and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we're all equals in this. Cutting John out is the last thing Joe or I want to do, but I do agree that dealing with this is the only option. I like your positive perspective I should be trusting that if Joe said he would be okay with something he means it and isn't just trying to suppress his real feelings because he wants to keep me in his life. I actually read Kevin's story that he posted, thanks for the suggestion!

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad it helps you some.

While they are both trustworthy people, I do think they have some maturing to do in the emotional intelligence department, and I think their lack of communication is leaving space for me to fill with my own worries.

It could just as easily go...

• I EXPERIENCE a lack of communication.
• I need clarity.
• So I'm going to directly ask them what they think.

Your "go to" behavior could be direct "on the ground" kind of action. ASK THEM.

Rather than retreat into your head spinning anxiety thoughts. This is what I'm talking about when I say try to have your feet on the ground more. Make decisions, take action. Less "up in your head stuff" thinking this and that and not doing any deciding or doing any actions. Even deciding to give something a pass and NOT to act on developing a romance with someone is a firm choice and better than being "all up in the air."

It is better than being stuck on the "what if this and that?" anxiety hamster wheel going nowhere.

I think I've looked to both of them to figure out their emotions and report to me and it seems they aren't going to have a conversation with all of us unless I initiate it.

To me that sounds like you wanted them to just "mind reader" you and they aren't.

• If you want a poly V with them? Align your behavior to the goal. Go ASK how they feel about a poly V and where their willingness might lie. They might say ok. They might give it a pass. If you want to know? You have to ask.
• If you want to keep it at good friends and want the crush feelings to fade down? Align you behavior to the goal. Quit making out with him.
• If you don't like the confusing feelings that happen if you make out with friends? You don't want to set the brain chemistry going? Align self to goal. Could set a personal boundary of "I don't make out with my friends. I only do friend hugs for things like birthdays." And hold yourself and your behaviors accountable.

Keep this waaaaay easier on you.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello mountain girl,

I think maybe part of what you are looking for, is what to expect if you do form a V with these two men. I have been in an MFM V for about 15 years, and can answer any questions you may have about what was hard for us, what was easy, and what solutions we came up with that worked for us. We had some tough years in the beginning; I think poly is almost always hard at first, heck even mono is hard at first as two new people are trying to get used to each other, and learn how to live together by trial and error. It does get easier, but you have to get through that initiation period first. All three of you are going to have times when you hurt. That is just the price of admission.

The three people in my V do sometimes still have disagreements or hurt feelings, but not nearly as often or as severely as we used to have. I think it's fair to say that *for the most part,* we all live together (in the same house) in peace and harmony. And when we have strife between us, we work it out patiently, at the most it might take a couple of days. I should note, though, that for a few years, I lived separately from the other two, I had my own place, and that was, for the three of us, a necessary stage to go through. I needed the extra privacy. I kind of got used to living with them a little at a time, first a few days at a time, then a few weeks at a time, and so on.

Joe is a completely unique individual, and John is a completely unique individual. Part of what you are wanting here is an intimate relationship with both unique personalities. In that sense, you actually are looking for something that Joe can't provide. Joe can't *be* John, and that's okay. It seems to me that you are already emotionally involved with John (and with Joe), taking it to the next level (sexual) would be a natural step in the progression of your relationship with him. You do need to make sure Joe and John both consent to the situation though. Anyway if you have any questions for me, either from me personally, or from me as an MFM V perspective, just let me know.

I hope the three of you will work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

THANK YOU for acknowledging some of the weirdness that I'm feeling because we all met at the same time... we're all feeling 'at sea' currently and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we're all equals in this. Cutting John out is the last thing Joe or I want to do, but I do agree that dealing with this is the only option. I like your positive perspective I should be trusting that if Joe said he would be okay with something he means it and isn't just trying to suppress his real feelings because he wants to keep me in his life. I actually read Kevin's story that he posted, thanks for the suggestion!

You're welcome. I think people were having trouble with their reading comprehension because we so often get women here with crushes on their male partner/husband's best friend, whom he has known for ages before he met her.

Many coupled poly people come up with "messy lists"-- people they would prefer their partner does not date. This could be their close family members (their mom, sister, cousin), a coworker in the same building, a teacher of their kid, etc. This usually includes "Don't date MY bff." The reason for this is obvious. If your husband dates your best friend, and then they break up acrimoniously, you could lose your bff forever.

This situation is of course, entirely different. You and Joe met John fairly recently, at the same time. You all clicked and became very close on equal footing. You all take trips together, spend lots of time together, and get along well.

 

[mountaingirl]

Hello mountain girl,

I think maybe part of what you are looking for, is what to expect if you do form a V with these two men. I have been in an MFM V for about 15 years, and can answer any questions you may have about what was hard for us, what was easy, and what solutions we came up with that worked for us. We had some tough years in the beginning; I think poly is almost always hard at first, heck even mono is hard at first as two new people are trying to get used to each other, and learn how to live together by trial and error. It does get easier, but you have to get through that initiation period first. All three of you are going to have times when you hurt. That is just the price of admission.

The three people in my V do sometimes still have disagreements or hurt feelings, but not nearly as often or as severely as we used to have. I think it's fair to say that *for the most part,* we all live together (in the same house) in peace and harmony. And when we have strife between us, we work it out patiently, at the most it might take a couple of days. I should note, though, that for a few years, I lived separately from the other two, I had my own place, and that was, for the three of us, a necessary stage to go through. I needed the extra privacy. I kind of got used to living with them a little at a time, first a few days at a time, then a few weeks at a time, and so on.

Joe is a completely unique individual, and John is a completely unique individual. Part of what you are wanting here is an intimate relationship with both unique personalities. In that sense, you actually are looking for something that Joe can't provide. Joe can't *be* John, and that's okay. It seems to me that you are already emotionally involved with John (and with Joe), taking it to the next level (sexual) would be a natural step in the progression of your relationship with him. You do need to make sure Joe and John both consent to the situation though. Anyway if you have any questions for me, either from me personally, or from me as an MFM V perspective, just let me know.

I hope the three of you will work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Hey Kevin! It's been awhile but yeah I definitely was looking for a hint of what to expect in this situation. It feels very weird to be embarking on this relationship that I've never seen an example of in my life, but it also feels really right? We've all been freely talking about this over the past month; me and John decided to take things further and we are working through the emotions resulting from that on everyones end. It's going well so far I feel closer with both of them and like I'm communicating better with each of them as a result of this, which is cool. I expect to be on this forum a lot more in the future; just thinking about the ~*idea*~ of telling our friends/family about our relationship makes me want to write another long post haha but that's for another day I guess.

 

[kdt26417]

No problem, I'm glad to hear that you guys are getting things worked out, a little at a time. Keep us posted, and let us know if/when you have more questions.

 

[Magdlyn]

There's no need to tell friends, much less family, about the extent of your relationship with John, right now, or ever. You are just figuring things out. You certainly don't need alarm or criticism from people who wouldn't understand at this point!

"Coming out" as poly is very similar as coming out as LGBTQ. You do it when you feel ready and think it would be a positive thing to do, and a safe thing to do.