Hi,
My situation feels very long winded as it has been a chaotic and emotional few days, so I'll try to keep it succinct.
My wife and I have been married for over 10 years, and like all marriages there have been ups and downs. When we first started, we were the very typical Mono relationship with all the angsst and values that go with it. Years have now past, things have changed and we still love eachother very much, but as we have gotten older, so too has our views on things evolved too. We have two beautiful children, we have just bought our second house, life is pretty good.
About 2 years ago she met another person and one of our kids extra curricular activities. He always struck me as a bit of a salesman and bullshit artist, but either way i respected the friendship they formed. I was immediately suspicious when their first non kid pickup-dropoff activity was a pool date with the kids, and we had a good laugh about that but again, all was good.
Fast forward to a year later (1 year ago prior to now) and we are at a restaurant and she tells me that while she was interstate, she got a very sexy message from the other person, and she delayed in telling me because she was kind of interested. This bothered me immensely, but we had already started hearing and discussing polyamorous topics and values (I'm all for turning pre-conceived values on top of themselves. Very much a non-traditionalist), but this news sent me over the edge. At the time, i was open, nice and kind but 24 hours later it hit me and i lost it. The feeling of rejection (we had been having issues in the bedroom at about this time), fear of loss / being replaced just took me over. Shed more tears than i have in a VERY long time. powerful and awful. We worked though it, things got better pretty quickly and a few days later i said that I'd done some research, consolidated my feelings and that i would be okay with it all if she perused a relationship with him. Things were really good, we moved past it, life improved and went on.
Now to today. Over the last year, i got hints that something might be up. At social gatherings, he was unusually distant. When she went interstate, i plugged a camera into my home PC so i could monitor the house while i was at work (because she normally works from home). When she saw the camera, she freaked out and told me she felt it was violating her privacy, even though I unplug it when i get home on the day she gets back. Several times i had told her that I'm okay with her perusing a relationship with him, but to please be honest with me if she does. When we had talked about Polyamory, and i said that "Honesty and openness" was important to me, she got very defensive saying that she shouldn't have to ask for permission if she was in a relationship, and demanded what i meant by it. Over the last few months she observed that i paid particular attention to another female friend and asked me lots of questions, essentially encouraging me to peruse a relationship but as my work has me busy 9-5 each day and i come home in the evenings and take over with the kids and then weekends are spent renovating or taking the kids to places. Such a thing can't really work for me so i dismissed it. Each time i suspected something was up with her, i dismissed it because i trusted that she would have told me if something was happening because i made it clear that's what i wanted.
Last weekend, we discovered another friend was polyamorous when we invited my Friend and their partner out to dinner, and their partner told us they were bringing the fiance. My wife got defensive about polyamory discussions coming up saying that she didn't want to have to talk about her relationship with the other person. I twigged and asked her directly if she kissed him, she then dropped the bombshell that they had been having sex for the last year. She tells me it started some time after the initial time i lost it (and the first time i would have told her I'm okay with it), but now my head is in a spin. The freaking out about the camera was because she didn't want me to find out "that way", and that she couldn't bring herself to tell me because she didn't want to ruin our relationship.
I am in an absolute dichotomy for a list of reasons:
- In her head, it was okay because she could love both me and him in different ways. However,
- He is in a Monogamous relationship. In his situation, it is very much an affair.
- This meant that he encouraged her to deal with it in the same way he does it by keeping it all a secret. I don't know for sure if she was encouraged BY him (I feel she is easily influenced by him) but i know for a fact he certainly didn't say at any stage "Well, if your [husband] believes in polyamory and so do you, then you should be honest with him. Don't do it the same way I'm doing it"
I feel so angry, hurt, betrayed but at the same time, i feel angry at myself because she really does care about him, and i do believe that he cares about her too, and that i should be able to move on and let these feelings go because its all out now.
I'm having some real trouble what i should do. I feel lied to, i feel betrayed and threatened. But I'm happy for her too. I feel jealous because i will never have the same opportunity, and i feel angry at myself that i feel jealous about that i won't ever have the same opportunity. I feel like we have broken down a big wall between us that i didn't know was there, but i feel more alone than ever before. I only have her to talk to and I'm a total wreck. I feel like if i don't get over this soon, I am going to lose her and the connection i have and what we have will be replaced by the other person who has been in on it for the last year.
My most recent thought is that i feel so insecure with myself and my own qualities. I feel like attraction / affection for me is under threat, because i feel like i have very little (no / minimal) assets worthy of affection / attraction. I have always been anxious about making love and feel it is something i am weak at. The fact that she is now making love to someone else almost seems to confirm my own fears. i.e If you already have something you really like, why would you seek it elsewhere? Therefore, conclusion is that the current quality is low and not worth pursuing / investing in. She is pretty much the only person i have ever been with in my adult life, and i can't think of any way to validate my own qualities without having an experience with someone else, something that i know in my heart is an opportunity i will never get.
I don't really know what I'm asking, but i feel like i need answers. I don't want to lose her, but i feel that I'm racing against time to sort myself out and get with the program.
My situation feels very long winded as it has been a chaotic and emotional few days, so I'll try to keep it succinct.
My wife and I have been married for over 10 years, and like all marriages there have been ups and downs. When we first started, we were the very typical Mono relationship with all the angsst and values that go with it. Years have now past, things have changed and we still love eachother very much, but as we have gotten older, so too has our views on things evolved too. We have two beautiful children, we have just bought our second house, life is pretty good.
About 2 years ago she met another person and one of our kids extra curricular activities. He always struck me as a bit of a salesman and bullshit artist, but either way i respected the friendship they formed. I was immediately suspicious when their first non kid pickup-dropoff activity was a pool date with the kids, and we had a good laugh about that but again, all was good.
Fast forward to a year later (1 year ago prior to now) and we are at a restaurant and she tells me that while she was interstate, she got a very sexy message from the other person, and she delayed in telling me because she was kind of interested. This bothered me immensely, but we had already started hearing and discussing polyamorous topics and values (I'm all for turning pre-conceived values on top of themselves. Very much a non-traditionalist), but this news sent me over the edge. At the time, i was open, nice and kind but 24 hours later it hit me and i lost it. The feeling of rejection (we had been having issues in the bedroom at about this time), fear of loss / being replaced just took me over. Shed more tears than i have in a VERY long time. powerful and awful. We worked though it, things got better pretty quickly and a few days later i said that I'd done some research, consolidated my feelings and that i would be okay with it all if she perused a relationship with him. Things were really good, we moved past it, life improved and went on.
Now to today. Over the last year, i got hints that something might be up. At social gatherings, he was unusually distant. When she went interstate, i plugged a camera into my home PC so i could monitor the house while i was at work (because she normally works from home). When she saw the camera, she freaked out and told me she felt it was violating her privacy, even though I unplug it when i get home on the day she gets back. Several times i had told her that I'm okay with her perusing a relationship with him, but to please be honest with me if she does. When we had talked about Polyamory, and i said that "Honesty and openness" was important to me, she got very defensive saying that she shouldn't have to ask for permission if she was in a relationship, and demanded what i meant by it. Over the last few months she observed that i paid particular attention to another female friend and asked me lots of questions, essentially encouraging me to peruse a relationship but as my work has me busy 9-5 each day and i come home in the evenings and take over with the kids and then weekends are spent renovating or taking the kids to places. Such a thing can't really work for me so i dismissed it. Each time i suspected something was up with her, i dismissed it because i trusted that she would have told me if something was happening because i made it clear that's what i wanted.
Last weekend, we discovered another friend was polyamorous when we invited my Friend and their partner out to dinner, and their partner told us they were bringing the fiance. My wife got defensive about polyamory discussions coming up saying that she didn't want to have to talk about her relationship with the other person. I twigged and asked her directly if she kissed him, she then dropped the bombshell that they had been having sex for the last year. She tells me it started some time after the initial time i lost it (and the first time i would have told her I'm okay with it), but now my head is in a spin. The freaking out about the camera was because she didn't want me to find out "that way", and that she couldn't bring herself to tell me because she didn't want to ruin our relationship.
I am in an absolute dichotomy for a list of reasons:
- In her head, it was okay because she could love both me and him in different ways. However,
- He is in a Monogamous relationship. In his situation, it is very much an affair.
- This meant that he encouraged her to deal with it in the same way he does it by keeping it all a secret. I don't know for sure if she was encouraged BY him (I feel she is easily influenced by him) but i know for a fact he certainly didn't say at any stage "Well, if your [husband] believes in polyamory and so do you, then you should be honest with him. Don't do it the same way I'm doing it"
I feel so angry, hurt, betrayed but at the same time, i feel angry at myself because she really does care about him, and i do believe that he cares about her too, and that i should be able to move on and let these feelings go because its all out now.
I'm having some real trouble what i should do. I feel lied to, i feel betrayed and threatened. But I'm happy for her too. I feel jealous because i will never have the same opportunity, and i feel angry at myself that i feel jealous about that i won't ever have the same opportunity. I feel like we have broken down a big wall between us that i didn't know was there, but i feel more alone than ever before. I only have her to talk to and I'm a total wreck. I feel like if i don't get over this soon, I am going to lose her and the connection i have and what we have will be replaced by the other person who has been in on it for the last year.
My most recent thought is that i feel so insecure with myself and my own qualities. I feel like attraction / affection for me is under threat, because i feel like i have very little (no / minimal) assets worthy of affection / attraction. I have always been anxious about making love and feel it is something i am weak at. The fact that she is now making love to someone else almost seems to confirm my own fears. i.e If you already have something you really like, why would you seek it elsewhere? Therefore, conclusion is that the current quality is low and not worth pursuing / investing in. She is pretty much the only person i have ever been with in my adult life, and i can't think of any way to validate my own qualities without having an experience with someone else, something that i know in my heart is an opportunity i will never get.
I don't really know what I'm asking, but i feel like i need answers. I don't want to lose her, but i feel that I'm racing against time to sort myself out and get with the program.
