New to Poly, not sure what to do…

F

FindingPoly

New member
I am in my first ever polyamorous relationship. We have been together for a few months and my person has been polyamorous for years. Many times my person has had multiple partners. The current partner has been around for over a year and a half and wants nothing to do with me.

My person is very clear with me on what the ideal future looks like and it is a kind of melding together with all partners to at least coexist even if it’s not sexual all together, but the partner has been becoming very territorial and closed off since I’ve entered the picture. The partner has dealt with other people in the picture before but something about me seems to put up major walls and resentment.

We don’t live in the same city and do not see each other much but when we do, it’s perfect. I do not contact the partner, belittle the partner, or impose on the partner’s time with my person. In fact, if I know they are together, I intentionally do not message more than once or twice in the day and never back to back.

My worry is this… I don’t think the partner is polyamorous and think my person having real feelings for me is the problem here. I have zero issues with polyamory and long term my IDEAL would be to be best friends with whoever the other partner ends up being but I don’t think the current partner feels the same. I think the current partner is much more open to ENM and may not even fully understand the difference between polyamory and ENM.

So, I guess my question is… how do I protect my person from getting hurt by someone that means so much? My person has told me multiple times that ultimatums and a lack of respect when spending time with another person are huge red flags but it feels more and more like it’s only a matter of time before the partner does one of those things. I really really really don’t want my person to get hurt.

My person is truly polyamorous and does seek out multiple long, loving, fulfilling connections. ENM is not enough for my person but it seems more and more that the partner just wants my person to be ENM and never have to deal with another permanent partner and that’s not what my person wants.

If it’s not me though, it’s going to be someone else because my person is polyamorous. And, if it’s someone else, then it will likely end up being someone who is closer who is more demanding of time. If the partner cannot handle me when I live so far away and am not demanding of time, how will the partner handle someone closer who wants more than I do? I want my person to be happy, that’s literally all I want… how can I protect my person when it’s not my place to say any of this though? I mean it isn’t effecting our relationship because my person won’t let it… so it’s “not my problem” but I don’t want my person to get hurt.

Help please! Sorry I’m a big jumbled mess!
 
Of course no one wants a loved one to get hurt. If you are a parent of a minor child, you do have the right and responsibility to protect them from harm. But in your case, a new partner of a person who, as you say, is experienced in polyamory, you have no right or responsibility to "protect" them from a partner you see as hurtful to them.

Maybe if they were there in the home and threatening your partner with an actual weapon, sure. But in this case, the main thing you have to go on is that the partner doesn't want to meet you. Lots of poly people don't want to meet their metamours. They just want to date their partner. This even has a name, "parallel poly." Some people have the ideal of "kitchen table poly," where partners and metamours all hang out together regularly. And some compromise on "garden party poly," where the metas meet occasionally at special events.

Your metamour doesn't need to "handle" you. They can just avoid you and not think about you much. That's fine. If they aren't "poly" by your standards, but "only ENM," that's okay too. It's up to your partner to deal with the possible issue that their other partner might feel jealous or envious of you. That is their job, as the hinge in your V. As a good hinge, your partner does not need to be telling you about your meta's feelings. If this meta doesn't meet your partners's needs or wants, it's up to them to work that out or break up.

You can just sit back and not think about any of this. If partner tries to overshare, tell them it's TMI, and they need to work that out themselves.

If poly is quite new to you, please learn more on your own. Keep reading around the forums. You can check out our wonderful resources here:

 
Magdlyn said:
Of course no one wants a loved one to get hurt. If you are a parent of a minor child, you do have the right and responsibility to protect them from harm. But in your case, a new partner of a person who, as you say, is experienced in polyamory, you have no right or responsibility to "protect" them from a partner you see as hurtful to them.

Maybe if they were there in the home and threatening your partner with an actual weapon, sure. But in this case, the main thing you have to go on is that the partner doesn't want to meet you. Lots of poly people don't want to meet their metamours. They just want to date their partner. This even has a name, "parallel poly." Some people have the ideal of "kitchen table poly," where partners and metamours all hang out together regularly. And some compromise on "garden party poly," where the metas meet occasionally at special events.

Your metamour doesn't need to "handle" you. They can just avoid you and not think about you much. That's fine. If they aren't "poly" by your standards, but "only ENM," that's okay too. It's up to your partner to deal with the possible issue that their other partner might feel jealous or envious of you. That is their job, as the hinge in your V. As a good hinge, your partner does not need to be telling you about your meta's feelings. If this meta doesn't meet your partners's needs or wants, it's up to them to work that out or break up.

You can just sit back and not think about any of this. If partner tries to overshare, tell them it's TMI, and they need to work that out themselves.

If poly is quite new to you, please learn more on your own. Keep reading around the forums. You can check out our wonderful resources here:

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Thank you so much! That actually makes a lot of sense. My instinct in regards to the partner is to sit back and let things happen when and if the partner wants it to because the partner is the primary.
I just worry about my person getting hurt and wondered if it was my place and you answered that. This is super new to me. I’ve done a ton of research and I’ve tried to understand the best I can because this is what I want and I do want to be with my person. I just also want to make things as easy and not stressful on my person as possible and if that means being parallel then I can do that.
 
Hello FindingPoly,

There's nothing you can do about your person's other partner's dislike for you, if that partner won't tell your person what it is they don't like about you. Is it that you are new to poly? Who knows. Or like you said, maybe it's that your person having real feelings for you is the partner's problem. You did say, however, that the partner has dealt with other people in the picture before. Did your person not have real feelings for those other people?

My belief is that the onus is not on you to protect your person from getting hurt. Your person is an adult, and is capable of looking out for themself. Certainly you can share your concerns with them, and that you're worried they'll get hurt, but after that the ball is in their court. They should probably break up with the other partner, but the strength to do so lies within them. They may have to get hurt before they realize that that is not a good relationship.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello FindingPoly,

There's nothing you can do about your person's other partner's dislike for you, if that partner won't tell your person what it is they don't like about you. Is it that you are new to poly? Who knows. Or like you said, maybe it's that your person having real feelings for you is the partner's problem. You did say, however, that the partner has dealt with other people in the picture before. Did your person not have real feelings for those other people?

My belief is that the onus is not on you to protect your person from getting hurt. Your person is an adult, and is capable of looking out for themself. Certainly you can share your concerns with them, and that you're worried they'll get hurt, but after that the ball is in their court. They should probably break up with the other partner, but the strength to do so lies within them. They may have to get hurt before they realize that that is not a good relationship.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help,
Kevin T.
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No, my person had not had real feelings for any other person that has been brought into the picture before me. They have all only lasted a few months but the partner met many of them, just not me. It’s hard because my person is under so much stress with it all and I just want to help. I don’t want to back off but maybe I should so my person can figure out where they are with each of us.
 
Hi,

While I don't have much to add, I just wanted to say that I don't think it's fair to you to worry so much about your partner's other relationship. I understand that you care about your partner and don't want them to be hurt, that's pretty much universal for all close relationships, romantic or not. However, it's not your responsibility to prevent a potential disaster in something that by definition should be separate from you.

Remember to take care of yourself before you care about anyone else.

Bee x
 
Hello FindingPoly,

It sounds like this is the first time your person has had feelings for anyone other than their other partner. And maybe the other partner wants to have monogamy with just your other person. If this is the case, then your person has some hard choices to make. They must decide whether to keep dating you, or just to date their other partner who seems to want you not in the picture. You are okay with them dating the other partner, but the other partner is not okay with them dating you. You are okay with your person dating polyamorously, but your person's other partner is not okay with your person dating polyamorously. I'm sorry things are so difficult.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
FindingPoly said:
It’s hard because my person is under so much stress with it all and I just want to help. I don’t want to back off, but maybe I should so my person can figure out where they are with each of us.
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You can ask Person if they'd like to take a break. Work that out together. It may help or it may not. Just take a breath and take your time. Again, this is Person's problem, not yours.

Ask them how you can help, by doing practical things, like picking up groceries, walking the dog, things like that.
 
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