New to poly, performance anxiety during threesomes

upinthehills

New member
I'm a man in my first poly relationship with a husband and wife that I've known since we were young. We are now in our 40s.

They had been experimenting with the lifestyle for a few years with little success, until they brought it up with me. Everything is going great. It's made easier by the fact that we've all known each other for so long. The communication is built in, boundaries are clearly set, everyone is getting exactly what they want out of it.

The three of us have always had high libidos, and while MFM threesomes have been a regular fantasy of mine since I discovered they were a thing, I have some difficulty when the three of us are playing. The few times we have made it work were mind blowing. She gets twice the attention, he and I are very eager to please, and the sense of teamwork adds a whole new dimension to it all that I really enjoy.

But when it doesn't work, it's because of me. I start thinking about the times when it worked so well, and I want that experience again. I'm probably psyching myself out.

It feels like a privilege that I get to share this experience with them, and because of that I think I end up putting too much pressure on myself. I'm just not sure how to stop. Because it's definitely something we all want. I'm hoping for some advice on how I might be able to get out of my own head.
 
Are you in love with these people, or even one of them? It sounds more like a friends-with-benefits thing. That is, they are your long-term friends, and sometimes now you have threeway sex.

Do you ever date them one-on-one, or have sex with either of them one-on-one?

If not, I don't think this is polyamory. But maybe you're posting all over the place out of desperation. Polyamory does not equal group sex. It means many loves, not orgies.

Men in their 40s, as I am sure you know, often start to suffer from ED as their testosterone decreases. The sheer excitement of having threesome sex, your long-held fantasy, may get you through some sessions, but now you expect to "perform" in some kind of ideal super-hero fashion every time.

Some men who are newly divorced and starting to date have this problem. Some men who are new to poly have this problem.

We just had a long thread about ED here. Maybe you can find it if you look back a few pages in What's New.

The best advice is to become less penis-focused and have fun doing other sexual things that don't require an erection to do. I'm sure googling the topic will give you a hundred ideas.
 
Hello upinthehills,

I think you need a backup plan for the times when you can't get hard. Like, you could put less attention on you and more on them, or you could receive loving actions from her/them without the focus being on your penis. What I'm trying to say is that you need to remove the pressure that is on you to get hard. There needs to be a way for all three of you to enjoy the experience without needing you to have an erection at all times. Paradoxically, if you don't feel like you need to be hard, then it might actually be easier for you to get hard. But don't look at that as some kind of requirement. You are indeed psyching yourself out.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Since you all want to share group sex, how about you make peace with the fact that this is new, and it is okay to be learning still?

When you say "doesn't work," are you talking about erections? Even if your penis doesn't get hard or doesn't stay hard, you still have your tongue, your hands, toys. There is lot more to sexual experience than penis-related activities.

Or did you mean something else when you said "doesn't work?"

Say you were sharing sex with just one new person -- even though you are an adult and have shared sex in the past with others, learning how to be with a new person, what they like and don't like, them learning YOU -- it's going to take a little time, right? It's no different here, with learning how to share group sex in THIS group. It's new. It's okay that it takes time to learn how to work together as a team.

Talk about it with them. You have the benefit of having known them both a long time, so be open and honest and let things unfold as they will. Have realistic expectations of encounters. Shoot for "fun, open, and communicative," which is doable.

And if it also happens to be a "mind-blowing" encounter, call that a fun bonus. But don't expect every encounter to be "mind blowing" when you are all still learning how to to be together.

That is my suggestion.

Galagirl
 
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