New To Poly - Questions

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comaddi

New member
So I am married to a wonderful man and we recently added a girlfriend to our relationship.

Background Info: Our girlfriend was a friend of mine, first. Had never met my husband but had seen pics. Upon having a conversation with my husband and telling him that I felt stifled we decided to pursue this friend of mine. She had told me that her ideal situation at this point in her life would be to have a girlfriend that was married. She prefers women, but enjoys men from time to time to (but only in a couple situation.

Sexually, I have no preference either, as I enjoy men/women equally. Although, I enjoy being married w/children and having that life too.

We're so new to this that it seems we are learning what to do or NOT do the hard way. We've all been together 3 times and 2 of the 3 times there has been an issue afterwards. The 2nd time.. the girlfriend got really weird about the 'connection' that my husband and I have sexually. She said she felt like she disappeared in my eyes. The 3rd time... all of us had discussed what was appropriate when my husband 'finished'. We had agreed that if he were to pull out, he could finish on her or both of us, but if he wanted to remain inside when he finished, that that would only be with me. The 3rd time we got together, she was on top of him... and he stopped her (because he was close)and she said to him "don't do that again, I'm close"... he told her that he was close too and needed her to stop because that went against our discussion.

Long story short, she didn't stop and he couldn't hold out anymore and he came inside of her. I didn't even know.. I had to ask and then it got awkward because I was pissed and hurt all at the same time. It was disrespectful of both of them and I expressed it. I don't have much of a filter when I'm not at work, so my delivery was pretty harsh I'm sure.

Did I overreact? I feel like she may not want to see me with my husband... she's told me she wishes she could be the one 'playing house' with me. But I also feel like she was on a mission the last time we were together to break the rules and hurt me.

For those that have been in the lifestyle can you offer some advice? I'd love to chalk it up to growing pains... but I'm not so sure anymore... I'm not sure she's a good fit.
 
That is completely disrespectful and terribly unsafe as well - has she been tested for a pregnancy now? What if she were to get pregnant? Have you discussed this possibility? She could very well be "playing house" with the two of you, very soon.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

Could he wear a condom and practice withdrawal with both during group trio sex?:confused: Then if he is unable to stop orgasm there's that in place? That eases some pressure off him so he can relax a bit.

Then it is also same for both ladies during group sex. Because when he has duo sex with you and reaches orgasm he could ejaculate inside you then. Maybe that solution solves some of the emotional tug o' war over who he cums in during group sex share?

I think some of it could be simply accepting that as a longer standing couple, you guys know each other sexually quite well and have a certain groove you easily get into from deep familiarity. She has newer lover relationships with both of you and part of the early days to that is figuring out where the buttons even are, much less finding the groove. In time that will come. Be patient.

I also think that there is also a question of respect and continuing consent. If he needs something to stop because he is not comfortable, it needs to stop. She would expect the same from him right? Does she value orgasm more than respecting her parter?

Sometimes things like leg cramp or triggering emotional upset or whatever can happen during sex share and participants need to take a time out. Not cool to push on despite the partner saying "no, hang on, I do not feel right." That erodes rather than builds trust.

I get that she expresses a wish to cohabitate with you. You could say something like "thanks. I am flattered and appreciate it. We'll see what happens over time. It is early days yet. Let's not rush." To me moving this fast into group sex is more than fast enough. No need to rush into living together. Where is the fire? :confused:

It is weird to me that she is in such a big hurry to get that intimate with you guys. No mention of group dates leading to duos and trio making out more slowly... Just right to fluid bonded trio sex with her ignoring his limit about ejaculation and telling you she wants to live with you? Sheesh.

Is she trying to "close the gap" somehow? Not feeling as valued? It is just a fact of life you guys were lovers sooner. I will assume positive intent rather than negative and call it newbie heebie jeebies rather than cowgirl.

But you all could slow it down a bit there and talk it out. Be more realistic about your agreements. If the purpose of him not ejaculating in her is pregnancy prevention? Slap a condom on (him) and ladies on bcp or plan B in the house should a condom break to solve that another way rather than only withdrawal. Whatever you all like.

Each person in the trio could be helping to keep that agreement of no oopsie babies with a birth control method they each can control and do. Not just leaving it all on the guy with withdrawal. It is a shared responsibility.

Galagirl
 
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Any chance more twosome sex and less threesome sex would be helpful? The threesome sex seems to have a tendency to get out of hand right now. Or at least that's how it seems from what I've read.

GalaGirl gave great suggestions on how to guard against an "oopsie pregnancy;" the three of you need to sit down and see if you can all agree to that stuff.

I know it looks bad, what your girlfriend did. But I am inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt for the moment. After all, I know that sometimes I'm not exactly "in my right mind" when I'm having sex. If that makes sense.
 
Gala Girl - There is no chance for pregnancy, as our "girlfriend" has her tubes tied and my husband has had a vasectomy. Prior to her joining us sexually, we all 3 had STD testing, more as a formality but definitely for peace of mind.
 
Also ~ With she and I there is an absolute emotional connection and I know she wants that to SOME degree with my husband as well. There are no private conversations held between the 3 of us, everything is done in a group text, so I wouldn't say I distrust either of them. It could really just be that we're going to experience some of these growing pains while we figure this out.. I just wanted to see what an unbiased person would see after reading what happened.

Everything I read all points to communication and lots of it and that's where I see we've fallen short, thus far. It's always REACTIVE rather than talking about things beforehand!
 
Except that you said the three of you agreed in advance that your husband could only come inside you and otherwise had to finish *on* either you or girlfriend.

That is proactive communication, not reactive. It is an agreement, one which was obviously broken.

It sounds as though your girlfriend is disrespecting your boundaries because she is either uncomfortable with or jealous of the connection you and your husband have. As GalaGirl said, it's concerning that she refused your husband's request to stop when he was nearing orgasm. Consent is imperative; no means no, stop means stop, etc.

She ignored the boundary that was set in regards to your husband not coming inside her. She ignored him saying "stop."

This isn't growing pains. It's a problem that needs to be addressed, because otherwise she might continue doing things against your and your husband's wishes.
 
You're right. He did stop her and tell her. Short of physically pushing her off of him, I'm not sure what else he could have done!

She said she was 'close to getting off and didn't want to lose it'. I've never ever permanently lost an orgasm.. I mean, really?
 
comaddi said:
Gala Girl - There is no chance for pregnancy, as our "girlfriend" has her tubes tied and my husband has had a vasectomy. Prior to her joining us sexually, we all 3 had STD testing, more as a formality but definitely for peace of mind.
Click to expand...

Then why do you care if he cums inside her?
 
comaddi said:
You're right. He did stop her and tell her. Short of physically pushing her off of him, I'm not sure what else he could have done!

She said she was 'close to getting off and didn't want to lose it'. I've never ever permanently lost an orgasm.. I mean, really?
Click to expand...

I could see why for her it would be sexually frustrating to get close then have to stop.
 
One thing I'll agree with is, your girlfriend should have talked to you ahead of time if it was important to her to have your husband cum inside her. She shouldn't have just independently decided to "change the rule" in the heat of the moment.

Having said that, I tend to agree with Inyourendo: The rule seems rather restrictive; I wonder why it's in place (I'm sure there are reasons), and I wonder what the chances are it could be amended, maybe even just so your husband could cum inside her now and then, like on certain special occasions.

I mean now that I see that there isn't a pregnancy issue to worry about, well ... I know I know, she's not part of the married couple, your marriage has more history than your relationship with her, and I don't mean to minimize that. Just wondering if some kind of a compromise could be drawn up.
 
Good that there is no concern for pregnancy. WTG on std testing for peace of mind! :D

Is him cumming in her a soft limit then? Not for now, could change over time? (Hard limit to me is no never, ever). Not physical reasons like trying to avoid pregnancy but for emotional ones?

Yes...He could have brushed her off if able but if the sex is hot and heavy he might NOT be able. Some people get so sex loopy they cannot even talk much less move quickly.

He was able to articulate his no. She could respect it.
She was not so sex loopy she could not talk. She articulated she did not want to stop because she was close to orgasm. Did not want to respect it.

To me? When people ignore somebody saying no to sex share and they carry on anyway to get to cum? Does not matter if they are sexually frustrated and want to cum bad. It isn't like they cannot cum a bit later after checking in or let the want go.

On the light end it is maybe an honest mistake in the heat of the moment and growing pains for getting to know each other sexually. Could nip it in the bud and that is ok. Lesson learned, preferences established. Somewhere in the middle of the spectrum it is not respectful and erodes trust. Ruins the mood or does not make people eager to continue or sex share again soon. On the dark side it is not respectful, erodes trust, and is rape-y. Let's not dance around that. Consent to share sex and continuing consent during sex matter.

To me? Wanting to cum does not supersede being kind and respectful to your partner. :(

Men too are allowed to say no.

Everything I read all points to communication and lots of it and that's where I see we've fallen short, thus far. It's always REACTIVE rather than talking about things beforehand!
Click to expand...

Could accept that. Some of it you talk ahead. Some you talk after a learning experience. I think some of this you guys can map out (ex: common pitfalls and other common pitfalls). Some of the stuff you guys have to learn in the saddle. Cannot predict everything or every situation ahead of time.

Have more talking. Have that consent talk (to begin sex share) and continuing consent talk (checking in during sex share to make sure all are ok and still having fun.) Also talk about what sex means to each of you. Is sex share the goal or sexual orgasm the goal?

Maybe do color consent codes.
  • Green is good to go.
  • Yellow is proceed with caution.
  • Red is stop and check in. Maybe continue, maybe stop sex. But def check in.
  • Black is abort mission, done for today full stop no questions asked. Sex over.

Then all anyone has to ask is "gimme colors?" And people have one word responses that are a fast, accurate check in and doesn't disturb sex "flow" too much. If all is ok you keep right on going! ;)

You will have growing pains. But have this consent talk pronto and nip future misunderstandings the bud.

And on the metacommunicate? (the HOW you do your communicating?)

Stop having serious relationship convo over cel text. Your relationship is precious and valuable enough to elevate the platform you have it on. To me text is for quickies -- "remember to buy milk!" reminders, "luv u" flirty things, or "Can we have a talk on Friday?" appointment setting. It is not a good platform for serious talking.

You could miss the nonverbal cues. Communication has verbal, paraverbal and nonverbal.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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Inyourendo said:
Then why do you care if he cums inside her?
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I don't know if this applies to the OP, but some people feel more comfortable, at least initially, if certain things are "reserved" for their relationship. We see this here in many forms - only fluid bonding with primary partners, certain sex acts (like anal) reserved for one partner only, not in MY bed (i.e. marital bed is for married people only - they can use the guest room), not in MY car, etc. Other people have other "squick" issues - must change sheets, must shower after being with another partner, etc.

i.e. it may not be a "practical concern" but an emotional trigger.

I could see that, for some people, the release of semen inside of someone else could be a symbol of emotional/sexual intimacy that they want to reserve for themselves (as "primary" partner). I am curious as to whether this would apply if condoms were used...but either way it is not any more restrictive than some of the "conditions" we have seen.
 
Agreeing with Jane. Hubby and I have agreements about condom usage, but that is for STD prevention and has been suspended for Guy and S2 because they've proven that there's no STD concern.

However, there are other things that Hubby and I have agreed are just between us that are pretty much non-negotiable: No other partners are allowed to visit our home; there is one sexual position that Hubby has asked be reserved for him exclusively; and he has asked that I not allow any Dominance/submission aspects with anyone else because we have that dynamic in our relationship.

I knew one couple that had the restriction of not kissing other partners; anything else they did was fine, but they reserved kissing only for each other.

Even though some people have issues with rules and restrictions in polyamory, for others, they're important or even necessary. I think that may be more common in situations where a monogamous relationship became a polyamorous one, as in my case; Hubby's and my marriage was monogamous for five years, and we have raised my kids together, have a household, shared finances, etc., which is not something I have with anyone else. I would tend to think that the "you can only come inside me, not her" rule that the OP mentioned falls into that category.
 
Thank you so much for all the replies! So, the husband and I had a conversation that visually he likes to pull out when he cums. The 3 of us spoke about that being the preferred method, as our girlfriend prefers that as well. When it's just my husband and I, he almost always finishes inside of me.

My biggest problem with all of this, is that in the heat of the moment the rules were thrown out the window and she didn't respect me OR my husband. I can give you all another example as well...

I'm sorry it gets graphic.. but...

My husband was laying on the bed, she was standing over his face, I was giving him a blowjob(per his request)... I had surgery on my arm/hand and am in a hard cast, so I moved to get in a better position and as soon as I did, she layed on top of him and started giving him a blow job. He actually had to tap her and say "where did my wifes mouth go" "I wanted HER mouth on me" and which point I said "well... she (the girlfriend)just sorta took over". I had NO access whatsoever to my husband OR her.. and I feel like that's exactly what she wanted... at this point I'm just really unsure what her intentions are.
 
I note you use the world "feel" in place of "think" sometimes.

So you think she has bad manners during group sex? You think she is wanting to push you out of group sex and make it be all about her and husband only?

Something to talk out then.

Could be she has bad manners. Could be she got caught up in the moment. Good intentions, but lacks experience. It is an area of discernment. There really isn't anything new I could suggest here as a problem solving solution other than talk this stuff out and figure out this trio's way of going.

Your husband seems to be articulating well in the moment. Are you able to articulate in the moment "Hold on, hon. I was doing oral and just moving for my cast. Stepping on my toes there a bit... Did you want to take turns?"

Speak up to CHECK IN.

Are you you maybe taking things too personally in the moment? Rather than as learning curve?

I know sex is personal, but were your expectations of group sex out of sync with the reality of group sex?

Galagirl
 
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comaddi said:
You're right. He did stop her and tell her. Short of physically pushing her off of him, I'm not sure what else he could have done!

She said she was 'close to getting off and didn't want to lose it'. I've never ever permanently lost an orgasm.. I mean, really?
Click to expand...

Yes, it is possible - if I get too close and then am interrupted I pretty much have to start over, if it's even possible for me to get back to that point that evening. Not everyone's bodies work the same way...
 
Well that's what I was thinking, but, I'm a guy. You know like, maybe it's only guys who have to start over; something like that.
 
Sounds like
threesome sex needs to go to the back burner
Discussion of her expectations needs to be front burner
Discussion of your expectations front burner
Discussion of his expectations front burner

She seems sexually aggressive (so am I). May need to be told point blank what you arent ok with (like her taking over for you).

Also sounds like some education on specifics about each other are needed.
For me-once I lose it, finding an orgasm is pretty much not going to happen. Period.
HOWEVER-orgasm isnt my top priority sexually. Bonding with my partner is. I wouldn't be ok with "pull out" requirement. No way. If I am going to be vulnerable enough for a man to stick it in, I need to know that we are going to do whatever it is that feels right TO US.
 
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