New to poly

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berger319

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I am a 53-old female, married for almost 29 years. I've always lived a "normal" life with my husband. We had two daughters, who are grown now.

Our marriage hasn't been great for the past 10 years. 9 months ago my husband started an affair. A lot of it was my fault because I didn't pay much attention to him. A month ago, all hell broke loose when he told me about his girlfriend. He fell in love with her because she gave him the attention that I didn't.

Over the last month we did a lot of talking, and decided we want to stay together, because we do love each other. But he does love this other woman and doesn't want to leave her. So my only option is to share him.

I am in a hard spot right now, because the jealousy is eating me up alive. How do I control my feelings? We have really honest conversations almost daily. (We barely talked the last couple of years.) His girlfriend knows of the deal and is ok with it. I feel like I am too old to accept this change, even though I want to.

I don't want to lose him. There are no secrets about his relationship. He tells me when he sees her and wants me to meet her. I am not ready for that. Will I ever be ready for that? I don't know.

We have started dating each other again, which we haven't done in years. He assures me that he will never leave me. I am just so scared. What are some tips to make this whole situation easier?
 
Can you pinpoint what you're scared of? Usually it's of being left and alone, but he's telling you that's not going to happen, so are you simply not believing him, or are you scared of something else?
 
Evie said:
Can you pinpoint what you're scared of? Usually it's of being left and alone, but he's telling you that's not going to happen, so are you simply not believing him, or are you scared of something else?
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I am scared that his feelings for her will get stronger and he will leave me
 
So you don't believe him.

He didn't leave you during the 10 years of a shitty marriage, and now you're both actually working on making that marriage better, you're worried he's going to leave you for her.

If he was going to leave, he would have done so already.

Instead, he's investing more time and effort into making things better with you, yet you aren't accepting this. The thing that's most likely to make him leave isn't her, or his feelings for her, it's that you aren't accepting him and his efforts towards you. It's self sabotage. If you want your marriage to last, meet him in it. If you actually checked out years ago and don't want to grow old with him, get a lawyer.
 
10 years ago, my mostly-monogamous marriage was fairly dead. I fell for a person in my friend group who was poly & forced open my marriage, fully meaning to stay with husband while engaging with others. Hubby didn't want poly, though, it really brought him low. And, in truth, I didn't want an open marriage either. I wanted (at the time) to go back to sleeping with women, and I wanted a partner who was passionate about me, who was more of a companion, who was...a better partner.

But the fear of losing me seemed to kick exhubby into high gear. Suddenly, he started trying to be a better partner, after years of me begging, nagging. We also started "dating" each other again. But really it was too late. I was in and out. I took on lovers. I wasn't focused on trying to heal the marriage, and the marriage fell apart. Looking back, I should have left him instead of dragging it out an extra 2 years, but hindsight is 20/20.

53 is NOT old. I know because that's how old I am. I just moved in with a new partner in January, and it is one of the most passionate, but also probably the most safe, most satisfying relationships I have ever been in.

Get honest with yourself. Are you staying because you're madly in love with husband, or because fear of leaving the life you've known is keeping you trapped?

Whatever you decide to do, now is the time to explore your own desires, needs, hobbies. Build up your life outside the marriage, especially a good support system of friends/family/community. Maybe start dating other men, to see what else is "out there." The less your sense of well-being is tied to what your husband is up to, the better off you'll be. This is true whether you stay with him in a poly arrangement, or if you end up going separate ways. Best of luck!
 
berger and LoveBunny, I was also 53 when I split up with my husband. We met when I was 19 and he was 22. We had three kids but gradually grew apart. That's not shocking, to change between age 19 and 53! haha

I went on to find a much more fulfilling life for myself, as the person I'd become, the self I'd realized and actualized-- non-binary, pansexual and polyamorous. I found I was just fine without that old ex of mine, much better off, in fact. And he's also found a mono partner (now his new wife). He married her at age 72!
 
Hi,
There's no easy way out of those overwhelming emotions, and cheating is generally considered the worst possible way to start a "poly" relationship. But it seems you are determined, and also, you've already experienced some of the benefits of the poly-philosophy of radical honesty. You're already feeling closer to your husband. So give it a try.

What might work:
- reading up on poly and talking to poly people
- couple's and individual counselling and a lot of soul-searching to understand what you want in this new situation, and also to heal from cheating
- uncover your jealousy trigger-points, and work on them
- find out the sweet spot between being honest and open and oversharing unnecessary triggering info
- make suitable agreements on your new way of functioning
- find benefits this arrangement has for yourself! You could also date - make sure to negotiate that and not accept a double standard. Try flirting with someone for the fun of it. Enjoy being able to talk about attraction openly. Enjoy your husband alive and vibrant like he was when in love with you.
- embrace sex-positivity. Visit a club or a tantric event with your husband. If you haven't been involved in any of this, you could still make discoveries about yourself in your 50s that make the journey worth it.
- take time to grieve

I'm also thinking - I don't have actual experience - that you could put a timeframe on the trial period. I suggest 6-12 months where you are very actively working on the above. After that time, either you feel basically ok with poly and have found some reasons of your own to live it, or he agrees to drop the other relationship because it's not working out great, or you start working towards an amicable divorce. This could give you a sense that you're not trapped in an unwanted situation forever. There WILL be development, one way or another.
 
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The hardest part for me after almost 20 years was realizing just because he broke his promises, it didn't mean I had to break mine.
We are now platonic and it's been the best thing for us, but it is hard to watch him be happy with others and there is a fear of him leaving, but what I ask myself is why am I fearing that? If he left, I could make it, it's the change I fear, and the being alone.
 
PhoenixStarr said:
The hardest part for me after almost 20 years was realizing just because he broke his promises, it didn't mean I had to break mine.
We are now platonic and it's been the best thing for us, but it is hard to watch him be happy with others and there is a fear of him leaving, but what I ask myself is why am I fearing that? If he left, I could make it, it's the change I fear, and the being alone.
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Change can be scary, but it is a fact of life, isn't it? If you're not changing, at least a little bit, you're stagnating.

As far as being alone, it's good idea to seek a support system of friends, or chosen family, to rely on when you need it.
 
PhoenixStarr said:
The hardest part for me after almost 20 years was realizing just because he broke his promises, it didn't mean I had to break mine.
We are now platonic and it's been the best thing for us, but it is hard to watch him be happy with others and there is a fear of him leaving, but what I ask myself is why am I fearing that? If he left, I could make it, it's the change I fear, and the being alone.
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This sounds almost like a post by the original poster, but it isn't - I had to doublecheck twice :), so I figured I'd point that out to everyone.
 
A little update on our situation. I have been doing a lot of research on the poly lifestyle and working on my jealousy issues. But it seems like I am the only one putting some effort into this relationship. I have to literally beg for some affection and sex. He blames it on his erectile dysfunction and the way our relationship has been the last couple of years. When we do have sex he doesn't kiss or barely touches me. I am so confused. He tells me he loves both of us but I just can't shake the feeling he only wants to be with her. I offered to move out of state to live with our daughter but he said wants to be with me. Yesterday he told me to use dating sites to fulfill my needs. I don't want another man. He sees his girlfriend around twice a week. One day he spends the night at her house. I accepted it but I really need some type of affection which I have to keep telling him. Obviously it annoys him when I ask for it. I just don't know what to think anymore. Is it worth to keep working on this relationship?
 
Hi berger319,

I have to say, your relationship with your husband seems really bad, my first inclination is to advise you to divorce. But you do want to know you did everything within reason to save the marriage.

Sorry I wasn't more decisive,
Kevin T.
 
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