New to poly

Thanks, Redpepper. This forum has been very helpful thus far. I am about to introduce the rest of the group to it. I'm sure they will have their own questions and input.
 
Hi, Mark. COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION! I read your posts to my wife and she agreed with me. You all have to be COMPLETELY open and honest with each other. You should have a big ole pow wow with both of them, a family meeting. Air any concerns and discuss them.

When we started in the lifestyle we had a lot of hard times. A LOT! We worked through them all by simply talking. I think a lot of people take that for granted. When I say talk, I mean be completely honest with each other, a no-holds-barred kinda thing. There are going to be some arguments and some hurt feelings, but it shouldn't be anything that you guys, after such a long and loving marriage, can't recover from.

Please feel free to ask any specific questions. I wish I'd had a resource like this when we started out! :)
 
Danny, thanks for the nice words. We have been talking more and more the last few weeks. It has done wonders for the 3 of us. There has been some crying and some laughing. We are all understanding the relationship better and growing more comfortable with it. My wife has always been the traditional kind of woman, so this is definitely asking a lot of her. She has been about as understanding as a wife could be, and we are all trying to work through our various feelings.

I know most women would not be able to embrace this scenario at all. I have tried to explain to her that the problem is with me and how I'm wired, not her. Being lefthanded and somewhat of a contrarian in my views has made it much easier for me to embrace this relationship, because it feels naturally more "right" to me. I know it must be hard for a spouse to hear this, let alone accept it, but it is the truth. Hopefully we can continue to make this path work.
 
Mark1npt said:
I have tried to explain to her that the problem is with me and how I'm wired, not her.
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I think the problem isn't with you, but with the culture which has told us all our lives that to really love someone that love has to be exclusive. This results in people thinking "Aren't I good enough for you? Aren't I enough for you?"

All you have to do is honestly say, "You're much better than good enough for me! But I don't believe my ability and desire to love others is a comment about you, suggesting your inadequacy. It's a comment on my ability and need to love others, also."
 
River hit it right on the head. She feels that way because she's been taught that's how she should feel in that type of situation. I love the way River suggested how to go about approaching that type of comment.
 
You may call me James. That's what's on my birth certificate. You may also call me River, which is the name I chose for myself.
 
Okay, guys. New problem. I apologize in advance for its length, but felt the details needed to be conveyed. I have a wife in a bedroom downstairs and my other in a bedroom upstairs. Here I am at midnight, on a perfectly good Saturday night, tapping away on this keyboard instead of making love to one of these beautiful women.

Why is it that the more we communicate, the more confused everyone seems to become? Last week our third, my secondary (and btw, I really don't like that term) was having a rough week emotionally. It was centered around her not having her fair share of time (evenings upstairs alone) with me. She also revealed that not knowing which evenings were "ours" increased her anxiety levels, affected her sleep, etc. All valid points. Of course my wife has some of these same anxieties.

We all three talked for quite a while. I thought we came away from that meeting with the understanding that every other night I would be with my other. I thought that my other thought that too. The problem was my wife never got that memo, or maybe just didn't hear it. How? I still don't know. It made for an awkward next night, where my wife and I spent some quality time with family, and then, later that evening, I went upstairs, as I expected as it was my other's night. I could tell my wife was taken aback by that, but I thought, and my other thought, that was the agreement.

The next day became increasingly awkward. Things deteriorated. Another meeting was held, wherein my wife stated she didn't know we had come to this agreement. She was distant and upset. She thought we were still going to take things slow and let the nights fall where they might, rather than sticking to a firm plan. I know we didn't come away from that meeting with having solved the issue permanently, but I thought we all decided to sort of scrap the plan for now and go back to playing it by ear every night. Somehow, this was the feeling my other got from the meeting also.

Now my other is stating she can't deal with not knowing which nights are hers, and to just let her know when my wife and I sort it out. (She is very fearful of hurting my wife, her best friend.) She feels torn at hurting my wife and torn at not knowing which nights are hers. She doesn't handle this type of emotional strife well. But who does?

To top it off, as my wife was going to bed tonight, she was surprised that I joined her, since she somehow thought tonight was my assigned night upstairs. As Lewis Black would say, bah......wah-wah-wah-what?

Are we gonna have to put agreements like these down on paper, sign off and have them notarized from now on? Do poly people really do that? How can two out of three people come away with certain info from a meeting and the third, not? Is the third just blocking everything out as a defense mechanism? Right now, I'd just like one of the girls to tell me where I'm supposed to sleep at night.
 
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Danny40179 said:
River hit it right on the head. She feels that way because she's been taught that's how she should feel in that type of situation.
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I'm sorry, guys. I realize I am wired differently than you, but social conditioning and taught behaviour are not always the issue. I myself have similar thoughts, and they are purely based on my monogamous nature. I have found ways to accept some personally troubling aspects of polyamory and enjoy my relationship. If I didn't love Redpepper so immensely I would run for the hills. :)

I don't know if I will ever understand polyamory, but I know it works and involves amazing people!
 
It sounds like you may need to do a "summing up" at the end of meeting. I find that works out well at work. I can't count how many times I heard:

Person 1: So we are agreed. Bob will write up the paper and Sue will start the testing.
Sue: What?

If it doesn't work, writing it down sounds like a good option.

As for sleeping arrangements, that is a tough one. I think you are doing well by keeping everyone talking.
 
Quath, yes, we're doing more talking, and I've pushed a little more to get resolution of an issue by the end of the meeting, if possible. This helps us all three to know where we stand (without putting it in writing) and what we're gonna be doing, whether it's that night, the next day or whenever.

I didn't really want to push on this. I felt a lot like Regis: "Is that your final answer?" :p

It seems to have solidified our relationships and eased tension quite a bit. Of course, it helps when you have a super-understanding wife who realizes how some of us are wired, and how important it is to have answers now, to enable the meshing of the three of us into the best V we can be.

There is so much love between the three of us, but misunderstandings can rob you or your partner(s) of opportunities to love and share life's important moments even more.
 
I think it can also be important that people feel they can try something without being held to it by some legal-sounding agreement. I don't think a person should feel trapped by their decision to try something. I think a good approach is to keep all topics open for renegotiations, if needed.
 
Mark1npt, as for writing things down, yes, poly people do that sometimes. For some of us, it's easier, while it's not necessary for others. But my opinion is, you do what it takes to make everyone happy, because that's essential to your happiness too.

I've been reading a lot. I thought that The Ethical Slut and Opening Up both sounded hokey (sorry, but it's true) and wouldn't apply to me, but I have found both books to be helpful. I'm blown away by Dossie Easton (The Ethical Slut) and find any books where she is part of the writing team to be kind, compassionate, and understanding. I really think that you should at least take a look at The Ethical Slut. It definitely gave me a better understanding of what was "normal" and "acceptable" in a poly relationship, and most importantly, for me, gave me some reassurance that I'm allowed to have feelings, even when they're not mature, secure or "enlightened."
 
Thanks, Lemondrop. Yes, it does have a hokey-sounding title, but I may have to break down and get a copy for us all to read. Thanks for your input.
 
Hey, Mono, my brother. Been busy with work and of course, since I'm now poly, I have twice the honey-do list!

Been through a bit of a war the past week. Thought my wife had finally asked for the divorce neither one of us really wanted, but cooler heads have prevailed. We all three realize we're so much better off together than we would be alone. It's so silly, there's not even a crumb of a doubt as to how much we all love each other.
 
Glad to hear you pulled through, Mark. Sorry to hear about your honey-do list, however!

I think everyone goes through those moments of doubt in the ability to hold it together, but it never does seem to be about how much love there is. It can be a rollercoaster, for sure! Luckily, the huge dips in my own ride seem to have settled. Take care, my friend.
 
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