new to polyamory and hurting

Z

zoltaz

New member
Hello, I'm new here. I'm sorry if this doesn't fit posting regulations, my partner recommended I come here to read up on things, and I wanted to ask for help. I've always been a monogamous person but my current partner is poly. It's pretty much only a source of pain for me. But apart from this one thing for me, we're perfect. I want us to work, and I've been reading about it, but it seems like I just fundamentally disagree with it. I don't know how to not be hurt by him wanting to be with someone else. I love him so much.

Some background, when we started dating he told me he was poly and I was fine with it because I didn't expect things to get serious. But they did. He's met my entire family and they love him. This is the only thing preventing us from being happy. I'm trying to change, but nothing stops it from hurting me. I can't stop imagining him with someone else, or telling someone else he loves them. It just invalidates us to me, and it hurts so bad.

He says the other person is basically just a friend, but they have sex and tell each other they love each other. He says that our relationship is the best he's ever had, that I'm the best boyfriend he's ever had, and that our sex is the only that he's ever craved (he thought he was aesexual before we dated), but if that's the case, if it's just friends who have sex, why can't the sex part just be removed? If it's damaging our relationship this badly and he knows how badly it hurts me it seems like an easy solution to me...

My boyfriend is with the other person right now, and won't be back until the beginning of next week. All I can think of is them together, it's wrecking me. I keep trying to talk to him and I feel like I'm just an irritation. I've been in tears since he left, and I don't want anyone to see me like this, so I haven't really left my room.

Anyway, this probably seems simpleminded to you guys, most communities I've asked are kind of hostile to monos, but this place doesn't seem to be so I thought I'd try for some help. Anything you have to say would be appreciated. Thank you.

Oh, and I'm sorry if anything I said was offensive, I didn't mean for it to be, I just need help.
 
I'm not an "experienced poly", if there could even be such a thing. I'm very new to this and so are my partners. That being said, I think that what you need to do is sit by yourself and examine your feelings. Are you trying to be open to poly relationships because it's something he wants you to do? Or because you think that's how you will keep him? If this is something that is tearing you apart and you are sacrificing your own emotional or spiritual well being then stop. Stop now. No relationship, gay, straight, mono, poly, etc will work if it's built on you pretending to be someone or hiding your true feelings for his sake.

You need to evaluate how you truly feel, try to ask yourself why you feel that way.
 
Questions:

When you say you fundamentally disagree with it; what do you mean? What are the fundamental disagreements you have?

When you say you are trying to change;
How?
What actions/thoughts/feelings/attitudes/habits are you trying to change?
What are you doing to change?
What are you trying to change?
What actions have you taken to change?
Why are you trying to change those things?

When you say you love him so much what do you mean by that?
What does "loving him" mean in your eyes?
How do you define a loving relationship?
What are the obligations/expectations you have about loving relationships?


Before you can even assess if it is POSSIBLE for you to have a healthy relationship with a man who is poly, you first have to establish, what it is you need in order to have a healthy relationship at all with anyone.

That means, figuring out your hard limits (things you will never tolerate in a relationship period) and your soft limits (things that make you uncomfortable or aren't your preference, but you are willing to tolerate in certain cases for one reason or another).

As an example; one of my hard limits is dating someone who is more than 10 years older or younger than myself. I won't do it.
SO if I mean a COMPLETELY AWESOME GUY and he's outside of that range, he's relegated to friend status. Period. Because it's MY hard limit. We may be otherwise perfect for each other and I may adore him-doesn't matter.
Another hard limit for me is dating anyone who has sex with one of my siblings. Won't happen. No matter how much I love them, find them sexy, get along with them etc. I won't date them. Hard limit.

Soft limits for me include sharing my bed with a metamour. As a GENERAL rule, I'm not ok with that. But there are some circumstances where that can change. I have had a metamour who I got along with very well. I always felt as though she respected me as a person and as a metamour. When I was out of town I made the offer that they could use our room. Soft limit.

Then there are those "in-between" topics. The ones that require negotiating and may need to have some "I can do this IF it works this way" discussions.
So-for example, I have a problem with fb and fwb dynamics. But-my partner prefers them. The "in-between discussion" led to an agreement based on me doing some HEAVY internal searching as to what it is EXACTLY that bothers me. What it is, is that I don't want to bother making the effort to be friendly with someone who is TEMPORARY, because I make friends easily. If they then disappear, I feel put out.
SO-he has fb and fwb relationships outside of our sphere, they don't get introduced to me or the kid, they don't come to our home.
BUT in order for that to work, when he says, "I'm meeting my friend and will be home late" I have to be willing to accept that graciously AS HIM RESPECTING MY NEED to not have anything to do with this part of his life. I can't go being pissy because he has plans elsewhere.
On the other hand, more serious connections, he brings home, introduces and spends time with in our circle of friends/family. Which happens to be my preference (I like interconnection). But-because he likes FB and I don't, then I have to make accommodations so that he can accommodate my preference for his fb to not be in my space.
IF that makes sense.


You need to sit down with yourself and without considering THIS SPECIFIC relationship, identify your hard limits, soft limits and then the "in between" topics.
THEN you can discuss them with him and address whether or not love is actually enough to keep this relationship afloat.
(It often isn't)
 
Cuppycake said:
If this is something that is tearing you apart and you are sacrificing your own emotional or spiritual well being then stop. Stop now. No relationship, gay, straight, mono, poly, etc will work if it's built on you pretending to be someone or hiding your true feelings for his sake.
Click to expand...

Ordinarily I would take an approach of discussing personal responsibility for your emotions, working on feeling compersion, broadening your social circles, and seeking therapy for abandonment / fear of being alone issues. However, it sounds like you are not poly-friendly at all and that dating a poly person is flensing the meat from your bones. That being the case, even if you did try to work on all of the things that can help your self-esteem get to a more healthy place, I don't think it would be worth it to continue this relationship in the meantime.

If you are not ok with dating someone who is poly then admit that to yourself and take action. Emotionally drowning like you've described doesn't sound like dating a poly person is something that's really in your wheelhouse, right?
 
I am sorry you struggle. :(

There is nothing wrong with preferring to relate in a monoamorous and monogamous model.

At this time, you are choosing to participate in a polyship model. It is not your preferred model. Why pick not your preference?

Now you find being in it is tearing you up. So why continue to be in it and go against your own grain?:confused:

It sounds to me like you guys are fundamentally incompatible for romance. If you get along you could be friends. But accept that for romance, you two do not line up.

Not every person you date is destined to be a long haul runner. That is what the dating time is for... To find the compatible ones. To do that successfully you have to know your own self and your dating preferences. Dating someone with a clearly different approach than you...that was you setting you up for success how? :(

I am sorry you hurt. Could enter your next dating relationship by sticking to those with similar relating styles and by defining what you hope/expect it to be together rather than defining what you expect it not to be. That could be a better approach to try.

I can ask for drink. But I am more likely to get the OJ I want by asking for that rather than saying "not coffee." Ykwim?

You wanted "not serious" but didn't seem to go for what you want and like best in relating style.

Galagirl
 
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It sounds like you are simply fundamentally monogamous. There is nothing wrong with that! I would love to be able to help you achieve the acceptance of poly that you seek, but most people who come seeking help are already part way there - they get poly on a logical level, but are struggling emotionally. It doesn't appear that poly makes any sense to you on a logical level either.

As for you and your partner, the fact that you are not the same in this regard doesn't make either of you wrong; just fundamentally different.
 
You are trying to change. Good for you. Now ask yourself, do you really WANT to change, or do you just want it to work? Just want him to stop and be happy with just you?

If you say you want to change, but you don't REALLY WANT TO deep down, you're going to have a bad time. I'm not saying this to be rude or anything. I've been there.
It was, "I'm trying! I'm doing all the reading! All the thinking! I'm trying to talk to him about it in a calm way and not get angry or hurt! Why does it still hurt??"

I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all approach to making it better, to making yourself be okay with poly. I can tell you what helped me, but it may not help you at all, and you may not want to risk it.

I left. I left with no intention of coming back because I couldn't deal with the things that were going on.
Months later I just felt like I couldn't do without him and, 'what have I done?' and all those things and that gave me the strength and motivation to really address the issues. Then I wanted to change because I knew he wasn't going to and I didn't want him to. Then I could do the reading and it made sense. It didn't sound like it was someone telling me, "Well, you just shouldn't HAVE a problem with this!" It felt kinder, and more instructional. It may help that I am a bit of an anarchist. I don't want to control other people, or elect others to control people; why would I want to, or be okay with, restricting my partner from seeing, sleeping with, loving others if that is what he wants to do? He is an adult. It does not invalidate his love for me to be involved with someone else.
Now I can think about him being with someone else in passing and not be taunted by my brain to think deeper on it, and even when I do for whatever reason, it does not make me angry. He can visit them near or far and I can go about my day because really, it's just like any other day that I don't see him.

Maybe none of that is helpful to you; I don't know. When I was in that position, reading about people who had been where I was and were doing better was helpful to me, but it didn't solve the problems I had. I had to do that very much on my own, and unfortunately I think the separation from the boyfriend is what I needed to make that happen in any time span short of taking the next several years.
 
Hi zoltaz,
Sorry you are hurting right now.

No matter how perfectly you and your partner get along in every way *except* this "one little thing" (poly), the fact of the matter is that poly is a very big thing, it's hurting you to the core, and there's no way you can make it just go away. The closest you could come to that is to tell your partner you can't stand the poly and you need him to stop doing it. To give up his second "friend" partner and stop having sex with that friend. Now, if you ask your partner to do that, maybe he will and maybe he won't. If he will, he might end up resenting it if monogamy just isn't something that he wants to do. Resentments can grow and fester until they ruin a relationship.

If *you* go along with poly when neither your heart nor your mind are really okay with it, then you could end up resenting your partner. That's just as bad. The resentment could grow and fester until it ruins the relationship.

I suppose my advice would be to assign yourself a certain amount of time: however long you think you can stand the poly the way it is. Set a due date when either you'll be feeling better about poly, or you'll break up with your partner. Then, while waiting for that due date, study up and read as much as you can about poly, to find out if it's something you can stand. Read and participate a lot on this forum, and read a good book on the subject (I recommend "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino). When you've done all that and the due date arrives, if you still don't feel any better about it, do the best thing for you and your partner and break up with him. I know that sounds awful but sometimes it's the best thing in the end.

The members of Polyamory.com are here for you, to answer your questions and address your concerns. Remember, it is okay to be monogamous and not compatible with polyamory. Polyamory isn't right for everyone. Give it a try for awhile, but don't spend the rest of your life on something that's only going to make you hurt inside.

I hope you are able to find some peace in the midst of all this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi zoltaz, and welcome.

:)

I personally don't have a problem with monogamy, poly, or any other type of relationship. It's about personal preference and is definitely about what makes you happy. There is no superiority in being poly. One mono person and one poly person could be equally as secure, confident and evolved (or the opposite of these things!) as each other, but simply choose to express love in different ways.

So, disclaimer over!

I understand that when you are in love, it is difficult to walk away. For what it's worth, I was going to suggest the same thing that Kevin has - a trial period in which you see whether poly will work for you or not.

I would also like to ask, as one person has asked: what is it that you find yourself fundamentally disagreeing with, regarding poly? It would be genuinely interesting to hear about that, and perhaps we can open a discussion around those issues in this thread.

I feel that everyone has their own reason for choosing to be in some form of poly relationship. Not everyone can relate to the same thing. It can be especially difficult to relate to loving more than one person if you have never experienced that before.

My personal reason for being poly is that I agree with the concept of non-possession. I don't necessarily feel a need to date others, but I do feel the need to have the freedom to let my relationships grow as they will grow. This doesn't mean that I necessarily find poly easy all the time - in fact, I find it hard work. However, I am still able to relate to the non-possession aspect. Whether you can find something to relate to will depend entirely on your beliefs.

I don't think you're being simple-minded at all. There is nothing wrong with being monogamous, or wanting to be monogamous.

As a final note, if this helps you, I feel that choosing to be in a poly relationship (even mono/poly) involves a certain thought process, which differs slightly from many monogamous models. The main thing is that in monogamy, when our partner is attracted to someone else, we deal with the insecurity that raises by preventing that attraction from becoming a relationship. We remove the external issue. In polyamory, we turn our focus inwards and try to remove the feeling of insecurity itself, rather than the external threat. I don't think either approach is wrong - it simply comes down to what we believe is most beneficial for our long-term happiness.

MoreThanTwo.com is a good website, if you feel like reading about polyamory a little more.
 
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