New to Polyamory - partner cheated in past

[Ladybug1003]

Recently my partner and I started the discussion of polyamory. This has been tough on us both. We have been in a relationship for 18.5 years with several incidents of infidelity on my partners part. After the last known incident along with other issues. I stated that if he ever cheated again I would leave the relationship. He has remained honest and faithful for almost 5 years. On reflection the most hurtful thing in is cheating is the dishonesty and behind my back. His honesty and faithfulness this last 5 years has regained my trust in him. But he had begun a few months back to be unhappy in our relationship. Many fights occurred him stating lack of interest on my part or sex. We have sex almost daily. During one of these fights his need to talk or reach out to other woman was brought up. Polyamory was brought up. Initially I was leary given past cheating incidents. I began looking into polyamory some thing appeal to me. Open and Honest being the most appealing. During all of this a woman who my partner has cheated and had contact with secretly for the first 13 years of our relationship on and off, messaged him on social media with " I know I shouldn't be doing this but I had a dream about you and can't stop thinking about how you are doing? So how is life?" My partner told me and initially did not respond. I messaged this woman and she said she had bad intentions just wondering how he was doing in life. Well this completely throws me off. Was this a set up? Did the conversation on polyamory get started to open the door for this woman to enter into the picture again?? I asked while trying to navigate and figure out our relationship that woman in the past be left in the past. I love my partner and want is both to be happy. But I do not like the feelings this woman and their relationship brings out of me. My partner says he respects that but messages this woman back. Then tells me. They start to message I guess discussing life.. she is in a relationship with partner who is not into polyamory. They agree so I am told to only be friends that will not be anymore without my consent. But this was all discussed without me ... my partner tells me this after?? He tells me that he always wants to be with me and tells this woman the same as well. I am confused , upset and want to work on our relationship but I think this woman and their relationship is not good for us but he has connection with this woman. But due to previous lies and sneaking around I don't feel safe exploring this. Any advice should I open an upfront dialog with all involved. Express my feelings, listen to his and even hers?

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you are struggling.

He tells me that he always wants to be with me and tells this woman the same as well. I am confused , upset and want to work on our relationship but I think this woman and their relationship is not good for us but he has connection with this woman. But due to previous lies and sneaking around I don't feel safe exploring this.

So don't explore it. Because you don't feel safe.

He can want whatever. Just like I can want you to go make me a cherry pie. But just because I want that, doesn't mean you are gonna do it, right?

You aren't obligated to do poly with him. You aren't obligated to talk to him and Lady. Could keep things a lot simpler on you.

Any advice should I open an upfront dialog with all involved. Express my feelings, listen to his and even hers?

I think your partner is fortunate that you will even consider polyamory. Some people who've dealt with cheating don't even want to go there. Some people who don't have cheating in the past --- also don't want to go there.

Plus, it's not like poly agreements are magic or something. Some people cheat on their poly agreements.

If Lady was just wanting to touch base once? It's done. Bye.

And unless you feel like? No. You don't have to have some kind of 3 way conversation with them.

All you need to do is state YOUR firm limits to partner. Have you been clear on what those are?

Well this completely throws me off. Was this a set up? Did the conversation on polyamory get started to open the door for this woman to enter into the picture again??

As upsetting as it feels? It seems he's trying to be more up front and honest with you. Maybe just oversharing data?

Could be firm about stating your personal limits. Could ask him where this is going.

• If this was more than a checking in out of the blue? He's going to be regular Facebook friends with her now?
  • Ok. His choice. And then you get to pick your choice. You are out. You just plain don't want to deal with anything related to the cheating past.
• If he's going to pursue something romantic with her?
  • Ok. His choice. And then you get to pick your choice. You are out. He can poly with her without you being in his poly network.
• If you agree to try poly where he dates new people without a cheating history with them? And he cheats on his poly agreements?
  • Ok. His choice. And then you get to pick your choice. You are out.

The emotions might be challenging but to me? The actions on your side seem super simple. You sound like you plain don't want to deal with any any more new shenanigans from past cheating partners. It's a hard limit. It's not a soft limit that could change over time.

So all you have to do is tell him where you stand, and then you honor your personal limit even if he doesn't.

I asked while trying to navigate and figure out our relationship that woman in the past be left in the past.

And was this clear enough? Did he hear "No dating her" while you meant "no contact at all?"

In your talks? You could take this as opportunity to be super clear on what you meant and who the "messy people" are and actually state it out loud. Not just assume. Have him repeat it back to you in his own words so you know he got it.

He can state who his messy list people are. And you repeat it back so he knows you got it how he meant it.

I would not want my partner dating my parents, siblings, coworkers, best friend, roomie, etc. There's enough people in the world to date without going right for the messy ones. People who would make it really awkward and messy if my spouse did date them. And I would put "ex cheating partners" on that list. I believe in forgiveness but some things I just don't want to truck with again.

And you already said what would happen if he cheats again. You are out of there.

So in your talks? Set up your stuff -- separate finances and all that ahead of time. Because it's better to talk about it and have a plan for breaking up and not ever need it. Rather than the shit hits the fan and need it and not have a plan. Then end up trying to make the emergency preparedness plan when emotions are high, thinking ability is tougher, etc.

People who can talk it out ahead of time? They can manage to stay together or at least manage to have a decent break up because the respect/reality check is there.

I love my partner and want is both to be happy.

Well, if you want both to be happy? While I hope you manage to work something out?

Could also consider both being happy but not dating each other any more. I know people usually prefer being happy together than being happy apart, but it IS possible to be happy apart. Esp if things are just too much.

Your consent to stick with him or not is up to you. His consent to stick with you or not is up to him. Those things have to be on the same page for you two to actually continue together. Don't bend into pretzels.

If you don't want to try to poly with him because his past is just too much and the trust is not there at this point in time? You need more time? Or the most you can ever do with him is monogamy? Or the trust won't ever be there? Whatever it is? Say so honestly and up front.

If you happen to split up and you decide to explore poly on your own? Also up to you. Maybe you'd be more willing to go there with people who haven't damaged trust with you. Or maybe you don't want to deal with poly at all. You prefer monogamy. That's fine too.

I suggest you do your soul searching and have the honest talks you need to have with partner.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Ladybug1003,

Sure, an upfront dialog with all involved might be the thing to do. Express your feelings, listen to his and even hers, find out what their true intentions are.

I'm a little suspicious that she came back into his life just when he was talking about polyamory. But it could be a coincidence.

I think you should tell him that you do not want anything romantic going on between him and her. And, if it bugs you that he is striking up a friendship with her, tell him that you don't want that either.

Sympathetic regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Ladybug1003]

I'm sorry you are struggling.



So don't explore it. Because you don't feel safe.

He can want whatever. Just like I can want you to go make me a cherry pie. But just because I want that, doesn't mean you are gonna do it, right?

You aren't obligated to do poly with him. You aren't obligated to talk to him and Lady. Could keep things a lot simpler on you.



I think your partner is fortunate that you will even consider polyamory. Some people who've dealt with cheating don't even want to go there. Some people who don't have cheating in the past --- also don't want to go there.

Plus, it's not like poly agreements are magic or something. Some people cheat on their poly agreements.

If Lady was just wanting to touch base once? It's done. Bye.

And unless you feel like? No. You don't have to have some kind of 3 way conversation with them.

All you need to do is state YOUR firm limits to partner. Have you been clear on what those are?



As upsetting as it feels? It seems he's trying to be more up front and honest with you. Maybe just oversharing data?

Could be firm about stating your personal limits. Could ask him where this is going.

• If this was more than a checking in out of the blue? He's going to be regular Facebook friends with her now?
  • Ok. His choice. And then you get to pick your choice. You are out. You just plain don't want to deal with anything related to the cheating past.
• If he's going to pursue something romantic with her?
  • Ok. His choice. And then you get to pick your choice. You are out. He can poly with her without you being in his poly network.
• If you agree to try poly where he dates new people without a cheating history with them? And he cheats on his poly agreements?
  • Ok. His choice. And then you get to pick your choice. You are out.

The emotions might be challenging but to me? The actions on your side seem super simple. You sound like you plain don't want to deal with any any more new shenanigans from past cheating partners. It's a hard limit. It's not a soft limit that could change over time.

So all you have to do is tell him where you stand, and then you honor your personal limit even if he doesn't.



And was this clear enough? Did he hear "No dating her" while you meant "no contact at all?"

In your talks? You could take this as opportunity to be super clear on what you meant and who the "messy people" are and actually state it out loud. Not just assume. Have him repeat it back to you in his own words so you know he got it.

He can state who his messy list people are. And you repeat it back so he knows you got it how he meant it.

I would not want my partner dating my parents, siblings, coworkers, best friend, roomie, etc. There's enough people in the world to date without going right for the messy ones. People who would make it really awkward and messy if my spouse did date them. And I would put "ex cheating partners" on that list. I believe in forgiveness but some things I just don't want to truck with again.

And you already said what would happen if he cheats again. You are out of there.

So in your talks? Set up your stuff -- separate finances and all that ahead of time. Because it's better to talk about it and have a plan for breaking up and not ever need it. Rather than the shit hits the fan and need it and not have a plan. Then end up trying to make the emergency preparedness plan when emotions are high, thinking ability is tougher, etc.

People who can talk it out ahead of time? They can manage to stay together or at least manage to have a decent break up because the respect/reality check is there.



Well, if you want both to be happy? While I hope you manage to work something out?

Could also consider both being happy but not dating each other any more. I know people usually prefer being happy together than being happy apart, but it IS possible to be happy apart. Esp if things are just too much.

Your consent to stick with him or not is up to you. His consent to stick with you or not is up to him. Those things have to be on the same page for you two to actually continue together. Don't bend into pretzels.

If you don't want to try to poly with him because his past is just too much and the trust is not there at this point in time? You need more time? Or the most you can ever do with him is monogamy? Or the trust won't ever be there? Whatever it is? Say so honestly and up front.

If you happen to split up and you decide to explore poly on your own? Also up to you. Maybe you'd be more willing to go there with people who haven't damaged trust with you. Or maybe you don't want to deal with poly at all. You prefer monogamy. That's fine too.

I suggest you do your soul searching and have the honest talks you need to have with partner.

Galagirl

Thank you for your candor. I have been doing some soul searching. I like the idea of poly but to explore it with my partner with a woman who had been a big part of past trauma. That I don't see being anymore trustworthy. She has a long term partner at the moment who to my understanding is unaware of my partner and her feelings for him. This is a hard stop for me. I was this man many times before in the past. This tells me that it would be easy for her to not be upfront and honest. Which is very important to me. I can not tell my partner not care for this woman but I can not be a part of what I see is deception.

 

[Ladybug1003]

Hello Ladybug1003,

Sure, an upfront dialog with all involved might be the thing to do. Express your feelings, listen to his and even hers, find out what their true intentions are.

I'm a little suspicious that she came back into his life just when he was talking about polyamory. But it could be a coincidence.

I think you should tell him that you do not want anything romantic going on between him and her. And, if it bugs you that he is striking up a friendship with her, tell him that you don't want that either.

Sympathetic regards,
Kevin T.

Thank you. Yesterday I did initiate some upfront dialog between the 3 of us. Our youngest daughter acted out in a bulling manner to this woman on social media. Our children teenage to adult we have 6. We have never been one to hide much from them. So partially to blame. But I took the chance to open some dialog. To find out intentions as well as express mine. I just want the chance to explore poly in a trusted, upfront manner. I want all parties involved to be open and honest about wants and intentions. I do not want to lose connection with my long term partner aside from our children he is the most important person in my life. At this point in my life I am not willing to be involved if they have a fully romantic or sexual relationship. The trust is not there for me. She has a partner to my understanding that is unaware of the situation.
I want my partner to be happy and will not tell him who to love, hate or talk to etc. But I can not be a part of something I feel is deceptive or withholding. Neither were really able to give intentions. I am told to leave the past in past but my past is happening to another that seems unacceptable to me. My partner only expressed intentions are he loves me and he loves her nothing anyone can do to change that. He doesn't want anyone to hurt. He wants everyone happy. All the other lady said was her wants may change so no clear cut answer. That wants needs and desires will all have to addressed when they come up? She would only express she wants my partner in her life. Admits to be jealous of our relationship. Would not jeopardize what my partner and I have because she knows how my partner feels about me. Does not want to set expectations. She says she wants all the things the should come in relationship with a friend or lover. But again how can any of this be honest and upfront when there is a person involved that knows nothing.

 

[GalaGirl]

aside from our children he is the most important person in my life.

I will gently suggest YOU are the most important person in your life. Not like in a selfish way, but in a self care way. Because you have to be able to tell people "I love you a lot. But no. Not even for you will I do stuff or get involved in stuff that hurts me."

People who love you would not ask you to hurt yourself.

She has a long term partner at the moment who to my understanding is unaware of my partner and her feelings for him. This is a hard stop for me. I was this man many times before in the past. This tells me that it would be easy for her to not be upfront and honest. Which is very important to me. I can not tell my partner not care for this woman but I can not be a part of what I see is deception.

That's another hard limit for you then. You will not participate in a poly thing where one partner is being kept in the dark.

I am told to leave the past in past but my past is happening to another that seems unacceptable to me.

Who told you this? Partner or Lady or both?

You ARE trying to keep past in the past by not interacting with anyone from it.

You have had a 3 way conversation. It did not change your mind. Could stop talking to this Lady. She is not your problem.

If your partner chooses to start up a cheating affair with this Lady? Helps Lady keep her partner in the dark? Then it becomes your problem.

With a solution. You have a hard limit. No more cheating. He starts that up again? You are out. So you break up.

Just because people invite you to go to Wacky Town doesn't mean you have to go.

My partner only expressed intentions are he loves me and he loves her nothing anyone can do to change that.

That's fine. He is in charge of his feelings. He can love you both. That's not hurting anything.

He doesn't want anyone to hurt.

He could not do behaviors that hurt people.

If they hurt from something else? That's not from his behaviors. But on his end, he could not do behaviors that hurt other people.

He wants everyone happy.

Ok. He can want things.

And you can state where you stand. You aren't going to be happy if he takes back up with a cheating ex partner.

All the other lady said was her wants may change so no clear cut answer. That wants needs and desires will all have to addressed when they come up?

Awesome. Well, your needs and desires have come up. You want no part of poly with him and a previous cheating partner.

And since you are keeping things past in the past? You could decline to participate in any more new trio talks. You are not obligated.

What behavior Lady does next is on her. What behavior partner does next is on him. They want to keep it to chitchat stuff on FB? That is their business. You aren't gonna stop them.

You don't have to like it, but it's not cheating on anything for him to talk to people on FB.

She would only express she wants my partner in her life. Admits to be jealous of our relationship. Would not jeopardize what my partner and I have because she knows how my partner feels about me. Does not want to set expectations. She says she wants all the things the should come in relationship with a friend or lover. But again how can any of this be honest and upfront when there is a person involved that knows nothing.

Who are you asking? Your partner? Lady?

I think you could not overthink it. You know where you stand already.

• You want no part of poly if someone is being kept in the dark. So no. Not dealing with these people.
• And even if she told her in the dark partner? Or dumps him first?
  • You still want no part of poly involving past cheating exes. So no. Not dealing with these people.

You aren't going to stop him from loving her, or talking to her on facebook. But no.

• If he wants to poly with her? You are not up for that. No cheating partners from the past in new poly. You prefer to part ways first.
• If he starts cheating again with her? You are out.
• If he wants to pursue her ethically? Ok. You want to get off this bus first then. You and him break up. Then he can date whoever he wants.
• If he wants to talk about it again? You just play the broken record. "No, thank you. I'm not up for poly like that. We have discussed this already. My feelings have not changed."

Maintain your personal boundaries. Hold the limits. I get the emotions might be tough but the actions become really simple for you.

I just want the chance to explore poly in a trusted, upfront manner.

You aren't saying "no" to all polyamory. Just no poly with cheating partners from the past. Which I think is fair. Who wants to truck with old messes?

I don't know what's the matter with your partner.

Some people here who approach their spouses with the poly question get handed the hard no. Which is a bummer. Or get handed the hard no and then raining hell on top. Which is a bummer plus raining hell.

Here you are, after past cheating, still willing to consider it and being more than fair. He could be thanking his lucky stars.

I really don't think there's anything else for you to do here. Other than tell the children not to get involved in parent stuff. And leave the ball in his court.

He could choose to skip this woman as just too messy to deal with any more and just love her like a memory or whatever. But if wants to practice poly with you in his poly network, he has to let go of the idea that you will be ok with his past cheating partners being in the network. Because you are just not ok with that.

He is responsible for his own behavior choices. You are responsible for yours. If he cannot let it go? And he won't keep his FB friendship with her platonic? You already told him what your hard limits are. You want no part of that.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Wow, I didn't realize this woman had a partner who was being kept in the dark. That can't continue! Tell her she must inform her partner of what's going on, otherwise you are not okay with her having a romantic connection to your partner, assuming you would be okay with it even then. Heck, I don't know if you are even okay with her and your partner being platonic friends. You certainly don't have to be okay with that.

This woman has been dishonest and untrustworthy in the past, and it looks like she is being dishonest and untrustworthy in the present. No wonder you are having misgivings about her, how can you be sure she is telling you the truth?

 

[Magdlyn]

Recently my partner and I started discussing polyamory. This has been tough on us both. We have been in a relationship for 18.5 years, with several incidents of infidelity on my partner's part. After the last known incident, along with other issues, I stated that if he ever cheated again I would leave the relationship. He has remained honest and faithful for almost 5 years.

On reflection, the most hurtful thing in his cheating is the dishonesty and going behind my back. His honesty and faithfulness during the last 5 years have regained my trust in him.

That's good.

But a few months back he began to be unhappy in our relationship. Many fights occurred, with him stating lack of interest on my part or sex. We have sex almost daily.

That's pretty damn frequent! Is he dissatisfied with your enthusiasm during these daily sex sessions? Or maybe he is polysexual and happy with you, and just craves variety.

During one of these fights. his need to talk or reach out to other woman was brought up. Polyamory was brought up. Initially I was leery, given the past cheating incidents. I began looking into polyamory and some things appealed to me, such as the openness and honesty.

Yes, it's great to be able to have a variety of partners, with everyone being informed and consenting!

During all of this, a woman with whom my partner has cheated and with whom he had been in contact with secretly for the first 13 years of our relationship on and off, messaged him on social media with, "I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I had a dream about you and can't stop thinking about you. How you are doing? So how is life?"

My partner told me about this, and initially did not respond. I messaged this woman and she said she had no bad intentions. She was just wondering how he was doing in life.

So far that doesn't sound terrible, except that they chatted on and off with you not knowing, when you wanted him to be open and honest about his dealings with other women, cheating or not.

This completely threw me off. Was this a set up? Did the conversation on polyamory get started to open the door for this woman to enter the picture again?? I asked this while trying to navigate and figure out our relationship. We had agreed that women from the past be left in the past.

I love my partner and want us both to be happy. But I do not like my feelings about this woman and their relationship.

My partner said he respected that, but then he messaged her back. Then he told me he had. They start to message, discussing life, I guess. She is in a relationship with a partner who is not into polyamory. They have agreed, so I was told, to only be friends. They will not be anything more without my consent. But this was all discussed without me... my partner told me this afterwards. He told me that he wants to be with me always, and told this woman the same thing.

I am confused and upset. I want to work on our relationship. I think this woman and their relationship is not good for us, but he has a connection with her. But due to his previous lies and sneaking around I don't feel safe exploring this.

Any advice? Should I open an upfront dialog with all involved, express my feelings, listen to his, and even hers?

It sounds like your husband is polyamorous and wants to have more than one intimate relationship. It's not about the frequency of sex you have with him, or your emotional intimacy. He just wants more people to love. Most people on this board are this way. Coming into polyamory through a cheating route is not a great way, but in our culture it is pretty common.

Have you and your partner ever had couple's counseling?

I have not read your other replies. These are just my first thoughts.

 

[Magdlyn]

If your partner's other love has a partner who does not want to do polyamory, and she does it anyway, then she is cheating on them. Even if she and your partner do not actually meet or have sex, there is this thing called emotional cheating and there is another thing people do, cybersex. If her partner found out about any of this, they would probably not be well-pleased.

I'm sorry your teen/adult kids are getting involved in this now too. That sounds messy. Of course, we can't protect our kids from all of our own romantic mistakes. Life happens. Mom and Dad have romantic/emotional/sex lives and eventually kids grown up and have to learn we are not perfect. But it's nice to try and set a good example of ethical adult relationships.

I tend to agree with GG and Kevin. Your partner is deeply in love with his former gf and vice versa. He was OK with cheating on you in the past. He is now telling Lady that he still loves her and wants to be with her, despite your stated preference for her to remain the past. It sounds to me like it's time to let go of your partner.

I am sorry. This is a very hard decision to make. Your frequent sex life will be hard to let go of. You're used to him and had hopes for a fresh start. You will be/are grieving now. You might want to seek counseling for yourself. Online strangers are not working as trained psych counselors.