Hello, I am a woman starting down the path of polyamory
Hi and welcome! You've come to the right place.
How do you cope with your primary partner saying that how he treats you and others will be exactly the same? I feel like it is supposed to be a bit of a difference, seeing as I am his primary partner. But I am not sure if this is supposed to be a thing.
What you are addressing is the idea of hierarchical vs egalitarian polyamory.
I'm not sure how long you've been with Partner, or if this is both of your first attempts at poly. But some people do promise to put their "primary" first in some ways, and treat the "secondary" as somewhat less important.
It's normal to want to feel more "special" if you've been with someone for years, live together, share finances, maybe have kids.
However, it's impossible to treat everyone "equally." Everyone is different and has unique needs, and different love languages. You have to meet people where they are. Also, there is the issue of "new relationship energy" (NRE). Often the brand-new, bright and shiny lover will be so damned exciting and compelling, the thrill of exploration so great, one can become literally obsessed with them. The established partner might feel neglected. It's important to keep "dating" the established partner, providing quality time, sex, etc., and not let them feel like the old shoe, just good for chores and boring stuff, while the new person gets all the romance.
Many poly folks practice egalitarian poly, where any new partner can be expected to become a co-primary over time. But this takes time... they must earn that kind of trust and status. New partners can seem "perfect" at first, but after they've been through a few trials, life experiences together, their true nature comes out.
I am extremely new to all of this, and I don't want to cause any issues, but I'm not sure who to talk to in regards to things like this. I am open and hoping for responses to help me understand this better. I created an account on here because it seems like a lot of people are good at explaining things for others to understand better. I don't want to ruin what he and I have, but I just want to understand better. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I'd highly suggest you delve into our Golden Nuggets section. We have so many wonderful resources, articles, and consolidated older threads on every poly subject you could imagine. We've been a very active board since 2009! Learn from our mistakes and successes!
You can also search terms, such as hierarchical polyamory, new to poly, new relationship energy, whatever you're curious about, to find older threads on these topics.
And of course, you can hit "What's new" at the top and see all of the current threads/discussions.
There's a lot to learn! Most successful couples new to polyamory take a least a year of research before actually starting to date others.
However, if you've always been monoamorous, but your partner has been poly for a while, you might feel in over your head.
