New to the idea of Poly

[grlnxtdr]

Hello I'm very new to all of this and hope to gain a little guidance. First, a little about me.
I'm a 26yo female, married to my husband for 5 years with no kids. I wouldn't necessarily consider myself bi sexual, because I've never actually taken part in a bi sexual relationship, but I am at least bi curious. My husband is 100% straight!
Within the last couple years my outlook on life has changed, due to some unfortunate events, causing me to feel the need to explore and fulfill my life. At least for me, that's easier said than done.
For the last year or so I had considered the possibility of introducing my husband and I to an open marriage. Up until recently that is what I thought I wanted. After doing some research I have found that I am more interested in poly than an open marriage. Yes, I want to be able to have sex with others, but I also want to have a relationship with them as well. Here's the problem. I know from conversations in passing that my husband is COMPLETELY against any of this. He has no desire to be with anyone outside our marriage or allow me to do so. Although, I have let him know my interest in having sex with another female to which he has considered letting me do just to "fulfill a fantasy." I'm very happy he would allow me to do this, but I want more. In the last few months I've met a couple male friends online who I potentially want to have a serious relationship with. Now I love my husband and want to stay with him, especially after all we've gone through together, but I just can't hide how i feel anymore. I've given it plenty of time to see if it was just a phase I was going through, but I continue to desire to be with others. I guess I'm just asking for help on how to bring this up to my husband. I know how he feels about the subject and I know he is going to be hurt. He can't bear the thought of his wife being with someone else. I'm worried that he will not be able to handle it and choose to leave me. I'm just as scared to bring it up as I'm sure he will be hearing it.
Any advise is greatly appreciated.

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome.

This is the thing that pops out at me the most:

Now I love my husband and want to stay with him, especially after all we've gone through together, but I just can't hide how i feel anymore.

So is this more about being able to express how you feel to your husband and not having to hide how you feel?

Or being able to express how you feel AND being able to act on it?

Because he's already given you his clear limit -- he has no interest in participating in a polyship.

I know from conversations in passing that my husband is COMPLETELY against any of this. He has no desire to be with anyone outside our marriage or allow me to do so.

Sounds like a "hard limit" to me -- that won't change in time. This isn't a "soft limit" that could change over time. So if you want to explore polyshipping at this time, it's going to be without him.

If this is about sharing your feelings more openly without fear, then maybe that's possible middle ground. You "close" to be in a monoship with just him and he "opens" to listen to more of your internal stuff to help create deeper emotional intimacy between you.

My 2 cents,

Galagirl

 

[friskyone4u]

Listen to Gala Girl. She has given you the best advice you can get. Maybe you should try to find out through therapy why you are having these feeling and see if you can work them out with your husband BEFORE you attempt to talk to him.
The track record for situations like your is not good. Anything is possible but if you want to play the odds, your situation does not look like it will have a positive outcome

 

[grlnxtdr]

So is this more about being able to express how you feel to your husband and not having to hide how you feel?

Or being able to express how you feel AND being able to act on it?

Ideally, I want to express how I feel AND be able to act on it.

Anything is possible but if you want to play the odds, your situation does not look like it will have a positive outcome

That's what I'm afraid of.

 

[GalaGirl]

Ideally, I want to express how I feel AND be able to act on it.

Well, if that's what you are shooting for, you can't avoid having the conversation.

Could ask him directly. Maybe something like...

"I know you are not up for polyamory from past conversation. Just to clarify so I can know... Is this a hard limit for you that will NEVER change in time? Or a soft limit for you that could change in time?" ​

If you don't want to let go of the want to polyship? Best you sort it out now -- sooner rather than later then. Accept he might want something else.

Avoiding sorting it out? That robs both you and him of the ability to seek more compatible partners for the rest of your 20's and into the 30's if this is not something you guys can do together. Part ways as friends, heal, and then move on to seek your next happiness.

Anything is possible but if you want to play the odds, your situation does not look like it will have a positive outcome

That's what I'm afraid of.

It's not positive outcome for you to be free to pursue the polyshipping you want to be doing? Or to open up to your spouse and talk honestly and grow closer rather than hiding your feelings?

Poly may not be for him, but he is his own person. You can't make him want the things you want.

I think a respectful break up can be viewed a "positive outcome." Much better than continuing unhappy or having a drama-lama break up!

Being willing to be emotionally intimate with your spouse can also be a positive.

Don't let fear of the uncertain future guide your behavior. Go with treating your partner well, with respect, sort it out. You can both handle this -- whether you end up together in a new way (emotionally grown closer for the shared experience) or apart (good exes, now free to date anew).

Galagirl

 

[SchrodingersCat]

It sounds like your husband has very clearly expressed his opinion on the matter, and that he's not willing to change his view. There's a tiny sliver of a chance that if the choice comes down to exploring poly and divorce, he might make an initial effort, but the prognosis is negative for long term success.

Sadly, we see these situations far too often and they very rarely work out. We see both sides -- mono partners who just got the news, and poly partners who just delivered it. It's incredibly difficult and painful for the mono partners, because they feel like their whole world is being ripped apart. It's difficult for the poly partners because no matter how hard everybody tries, some people just never are able to be happy in a non-monogamous relationship.

So before doing anything, I recommend choosing which you want more: this particular marriage, or freedom to explore other relationships. If you choose the marriage, you might be able to at least achieve the honesty you also crave by telling him how you feel, but with the disclaimer that you're not planning to act on it, you just need understanding from your life partner.

But even that might be too much for some people. A lot of monogamists can't cope with the fact that their spouse is even capable of loving another person, let alone has the desire to do so. And some people can't be happy knowing they're holding their partner back from a life true to themselves.

It's a tough place to be in. Let us know if you need any support as you go through these next stages. Either way, there will be a process of mourning -- the marriage you have, as you know it, will cease to exist. A new form may be born of the ashes, but things will never be the same.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings grlnxtdr,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

All the counsel you've received on this thread so far is good. There's no easy answers and no handy ways you can "convince" your husband. The most you can do is try to talk to him a little at a time.

You've invested five years into this marriage and don't want to lose that investment. What happens when it's been 25 years, plus kids, and you become certain that you can't meet your husband's demands anymore? Then you and he will both be losing a much bigger investment. That's why it might be better to break up sooner rather than later.

How badly do you want to live polyamorously? Is this just a phase, something you might not care so much about ten years down the line?

Something to think about.
Good luck,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[friskyone4u]

Grlnxtdr

Just re-read your initial post and one thing sticks out indicating it might be better for you to have this conversation with your husband asap. You apparently are already in online contact with two men who you are interested already in meeting. Is your husband aware of that. ??? If the answer to that question is no, you now have another problem. Are you going to lie by omission and not tell him that you have already started moving forward with other men??? If that is the case, then realistically you are already emotionally cheating on him if not in a full blown EA, as something on the way to that. Since poly or any other form of non monogamy generally functions best with no lying, cheating, and relies on honesty, you are already not off to a good start. If you are truthful with you husband, and you should be, he will probably be angrier and more hurt, but that is better than if he finds after the fact, and he will. And if you are at this point already, how long will it be until you take it to PA if the talk does not happen.??
Since you have no kids, you are in a better position than a lot of people because that can be a major issue. However, there are some other things you might want to think about. As Gala Girl pointed out and other probably would agree, if you two decide to split, which it sounds like the best for both of you on what you have said, it will be cheaper if you can do it amicably. That is more likely to happen if you are truthful.
A few other words of caution to protect yourself. The words “divorce” and separation” are abstract terms when just said or on paper. If you were investing your life savings in a business, you would want to be prepared for all the things that can go wrong. If none of them happen, then you are pleasantly surprised, but if they do you are prepared.
So here are just a few things you may want to think about;
(1) Don’t assume that if your husband does not tear the house apart that he is accepting your decision, even if initially he is calm about it. Most men are not going to run to their friends and family and tell them their wife wants to stay married and sleep with other men. He may go into hurt and denial and try to win you back with kindness, hoping you will change your mind. That does not mean he accepts what you have decided.
(2) If he does talk to people, you can assume they are going to tell him to get rid of you period, especially if he talks to men friends. You are on a poly friendly board, as KDT probably has told you in his e mail. The simple fact is very few of his friends or family, if any, are going to tell him he should accept this if he does not want to.
(3) Once the denial stage ends, the real anger will set in. If he is going to divorce you, that is when he will get an attorney. Once that happens, that persons mail objective in life will be to give you as little as the law permits of whatever your assets are. So the question is, how would that affect you. And again, whether it is fair or not, if he asks for divorce on the grounds of adultery, it is unlikely you will come up with a better than 50-50 split.
You are young, so you do need to do what you feel you need to do. None of us have a crystal ball, so we have no idea what the real outcome would be. But I still strongly urge you to be totally honest and disclose everything you have done online so you show your husband the respect he deserves and allow him to make a decision on all the facts.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Without more detail and transcripts from the online interactions, it's impossible to accurately diagnose an emotional affair between two friends. Flirting a bit, finding a connection, and wanting to pursue it is not the same as actually pursuing it.

 

[grlnxtdr]

You apparently are already in online contact with two men who you are interested already in meeting. Is your husband aware of that. ???

No my husband does not know about these men. At this point I would consider us to be friends who engage in some casual flirting, with the potential for something more. Having said that, I understand my husband still deserves to know about them. I know my what I need to do, but it hurts me knowing how bad it's going to hurt him when I tell him. I guess I have some real thinking to do.

 

[IndieSolo]

I don't think flirting is a big deal. People who are part of a couple can have flirty friendships without those being threatening in any way. One can even fantasize about a friend being more than that without it meaning there is an emotional affair going on. Sheesh, I think looking at a few online friendships where you feel some kind of attraction and curiosity, and evn toy with the idea of dating them, doesn't mean you are cheating or need to confess to some horrible emotional affair. What you're doing sounds innocent enough to me, and I think there are other issues that take priority over that for you.

I think you need to dive in deeper inside yourself and determine, as someone said earlier in the thread, whether or not your desire to be with others is worth the potential risk of losing your husband. Now, I personally think that, with compassion, cautiousness, and gentleness, you can bring up difficult topics with a partner and discuss them little by little until talking about them becomes more comfortable for both of you.

Feeling acknowledged and accepted for who you are can go a long way, and if you two can reach a point where he understands and accepts your desires and appreciates you for who you are (despite his not liking those desires), you might even choose not to pursue other relationships but feel that the acceptance is all you need. Or maybe you work towards an outcome where you can see multiple people - could be a rocky road, but you never know.

Thing is, it all starts with gentle, thoughtful discussion. You could start by asking him for his compassion and letting him know that you need to talk about something important to you, but that you only want him to listen first without jumping to conclusions or giving in to a reaction right away.

 

[friskyone4u]

Gnxtdr

Thanks for your understanding that you should tell your husband the truth about these men.You are in contact with . For clarification your post does not indicate that these were people you already knew that you are just flirting with. They are strange men you are contacting online and considering moving forward with that your husband has no idea about. Is that correct? Even if poly was not being discussed, how would he feel about just that.? Your answer will tell you what to do on hat one.
I agree that is not the major portion of the conversation you should have but if what I stated is correct you are already being not honest withhding what you are doing. If they were already friends it becomes less important

 

[grlnxtdr]

I should probably clarify the situation going on between me and these men. My husband and I play some online gaming with both these men. So he and I talk to both of them, I just happen to know them on a more personal level. Now I didn't go online intentionally looking to start relationships with them. What began as a casual friendship evolved into something more serious. Now the likelihood of me actually getting together with them is pretty low, especially with one of them considering he's married, and that would not fly with his wife. My relationship with the other one is still pretty new, but it's clear it has become more intimate than just a friendship.
To be completely honest, I guess I just crave NRE. I remember how I felt when my husband and I were dating and I want that. My husband is aware of this. He says I'm just addicted to "puppy love" and maybe he's right. Which I guess is why I want to see other people, so I can experience NRE while continuing my marriage with my husband. Call me a bad person, but I don't want these men, or any other potential relationship for that matter, to become like a second or third husband or wife. I have no desire for any relationship to get to the point where they may potentially move in with us, or want kids with us, etc. A LDR seems ideal for me. In constant communication, but only getting together from time to time, whereas to keep the NRE alive. But on the other hand, should the occasional "OMG I wanna have sex with that person" situation come up, I want to be able to take part in that to. It seems I want a combination of poly and open marriage.
Does this all make sense??
Whether or not I decide to pursue any of this, I know the first thing I have to do is have a frank conversation with my husband letting him know my feelings regardless of how scary it is. I just can't seem to force myself to do it yet.

 

[GalaGirl]

Whether or not I decide to pursue any of this, I know the first thing I have to do is have a frank conversation with my husband letting him know my feelings regardless of how scary it is. I just can't seem to force myself to do it yet.

Other than not knowing his reaction or outcome ahead of time... what makes it hard or scary to do?

For instance, if talking verbally is hard because you lose your place in the conversation or emotions well up, maybe you want to write a letter and communicate that way instead?

And if this is wanting NRE wooing/attention... that's not something you can achieve with spouse?

I remember how I felt when my husband and I were dating and I want that. My husband is aware of this. He says I'm just addicted to "puppy love" and maybe he's right.

He's not willing to continue to continue to court you?

It's fun to experience the brain chemistry dump of "whee!" but that isn't exclusive to NRE. Established relationships can keep regenerating that too.

Galagirl

 

[friskyone4u]

grlnxtdr

try to relax. Of course it is scary. You are about to have a conversation that can alter your life situation dramatically and if you were not scared or nervous it would be strange. Just gather your thoughts as best you can, pick an appropriate time, and do your best to be as clear as you can.

As far as the "gaming" guy conversations are concerned, while you husband knows these guys, he does NOT know these have turned flirtatous, especially with guy #2. I'd say not a dealbreaker but i would still tell him.

Dont be surprised if after you have this conversation that if your husband starts to monitor your actions and interactions or takes a greater interest in them, especially if he remains adamantly opposed to your ideas. Remember, you are telling a husband who does not accept at this point
any talk of sharing you that you want exactly that. This may annoy you and make the situation worse, but unless you two come to an understanding that you want, he is going to be on guard that you do not pursue without any agreement.

Read Gala Girls post to you. Can you not achieve some of this NRE with him and avoid the dangers of what can happen. Only you can answer that but Gala Girl has put it out there for you to consider.

 

[IndieSolo]

To be completely honest, I guess I just crave NRE. I remember how I felt when my husband and I were dating and I want that. My husband is aware of this. He says I'm just addicted to "puppy love" and maybe he's right. Which I guess is why I want to see other people, so I can experience NRE while continuing my marriage with my husband.

Aaah.... that tells a lot. To this, I would say that you need to ask yourself what you need to do in order to have that rush of excitement again with your hubby. It happens with many mono couples that they start seeing their spouse, who they know so well, as "just the same old person, day in & day out" and the marriage as just not exciiting anymore. But we are always changing, growing, and evolving - and so are our partners. So the challenge becomes how to stop expecting them to be the same predictable people we think they are and to look at them every day as someone new. Also find ways go stir up the hot sexy romance again by making sure to go on dates and surprise each other , so you can have NRE with hubby.

 

[grlnxtdr]

Other than not knowing his reaction or outcome ahead of time... what makes it hard or scary to do?

That's just it. I'm afraid the outcome wont be what i want as well as afraid of hurting him, which i know this conversation will do.

He's not willing to continue to continue to court you?

We actually go on dates quite frequently, but the butterflies in your stomach feeling just isn't there.

I would say that you need to ask yourself what you need to do in order to have that rush of excitement again with your hubby

He and i have both tried everything we can think of apart from bringing someone else into our marriage. Spicing up our sex life, going on dates, trying new things together yet i still don't feel the spark of fresh love.

I'd like to think a polyamorous lifestyle would strengthen our relationship because the happiness i've experienced from the two online crushes has carried into my marriage, but i cant be sure.
So much to think about.

 

[kdt26417]

Re:

"The happiness I've experienced from the two online crushes has carried into my marriage ..."

This phenomenon is called RRE (Renewed Relationship Energy).

I think it's fair to say that NRE is different from what you can feel with your husband. You can deepen your feelings of love with him, but you can't turn him into a new boyfriend; that spell can only be cast to a certain extent.

I recently read a book called "Sex at Dawn;" the authors challenged many assumptions about human sexuality, and one of their interesting points was the idea that humans often crave variety when it comes to sex. Not just variety in one's encounters with one partner, but variety in the sense of having multiple partners. More than one man (e.g. lots of famous men) has been caught cheating on his wife when his marriage with her was perfectly satisfactory. It's hard to explain the man's bizarre behavior unless one can say that he has an intense desire for variety in partners.

This urge to experience this variety is another way to frame the urge to experience the newness of new relationships. NRE comes very naturally when a partner is a new partner.

Your relationship with your husband should always be a work in progress, you should always be looking for ways to improve that relationship. At the same time, perhaps the thing that is hard for your husband to understand is that no matter how great the marriage is, you will still crave the variety of multiple partners. It's not a slam against him, it's just a part of human nature.

Don't know if it helps to look at it that way, but it just struck me that this might be an example of the kind of thing "Sex at Dawn" was talking about.

 

[GalaGirl]

Whether or not I decide to pursue any of this, I know the first thing I have to do is have a frank conversation with my husband letting him know my feelings regardless of how scary it is. I just can't seem to force myself to do it yet.

That's just it. I'm afraid the outcome wont be what i want as well as afraid of hurting him, which i know this conversation will do.

I don't know what to tell you then other than to think, wait a bit, and see if you have become more willing to talk to him at a later point.

Knowing that "waiting a while" is limited in usefulness -- you might be ok waiting a while. You probably are not ok waiting 50 years. There's giving yourself time to think things out and then there's avoiding/procrastinating deciding. YKWIM?

You can't learn confidence and reduce your fear of hard convo by "not doing." It is learned by "doing" and in doing so learning that whatever happens, you actually CAN handle it just fine. Over time it becomes less scary/hard to do with people.

Not doing something because you are afraid you won't get the answer you want? You aren't exactly risking getting the answer you DO want either.

He and i have both tried everything we can think of apart from bringing someone else into our marriage.

Have you tried having more open, honest conversation? Because I don't see how you can learn to "re-spark" if you are avoiding the deep naked-to-the-soul kinda of talking.

When you avoid talking to him because

• you don't like feeling vulnerable and squirmy
• or fear his response
• or fear having to deal with watching him process emotions -- deeply yucky or deeply yummy ones
• or some other thing

that (fear thing) lies between you and limits you both as well as the marriage.

You are not allowing yourself to be close to him as you otherwise might. It's also not helping to create emotional intimacy between you.

You could print this whole thread and just fork it over for him. Sometimes just getting it "out there" matters more than "points for style."

People can tell you all sorts of ways to convey the info to him but if what stops you from picking a method and actually having the convo is your willingness to engage... well... Only you can determine your willingness.

Hang in there!

Galagirl

 

[friskyone4u]

Read Gala Girls post that says " you are doing things that is inhibiting intimacy in your marraige. You, not your husband , have decided bringing other people into the relationship is the answer. If that is truly the case, you cannot avoid this conversation, regardless of the outcome.
Very few people are with a partner for a long time without at times losing that spark. Therapy can sometimes help that. Not sure if you have considered that.
The bottom line is that if you determine that you must be with other men to be happy then that is what you must do, but do not count on your husband accepting that.
There is no simple or easy answer that anyone on this forum can give you