New to the poly wife

[themonohub]

Hello everyone,

Well, all in all, I am new to this polyamorous stuff and the site. I'm a 24-year old guy. I've been with my wife for 4-5 years, and married one year. We have children together, and things are good. We are just like any other young married couple. Well, sort of...

I got here because of my wife. I am a mono husband and always will be. I'm happy with just one partner and it works for me. Honestly, I find more than one partner to be a bit complicated and draining. I can only give myself to one person and my children.

This started about a year ago... One day my wife asked me how I would feel if she had a relationship with a guy, sexual in nature. She even brought up a threesome with another male involved. After talking about it for some time, I agreed. With boundaries set, she ventured out to find a guy. I was a bit apprehensive of the idea and was unsure what I let her do. I had some jealousy issues attached as she talked with other men.

After many failed attempts, she met a guy. She grew attached to him waaaaay too fast and it blew up in her face. She admitted she liked him and wanted more than just sex. She then backed off of the idea for a while. I was relieved, as you might guess.

After about 8 months passed, she brought up the subject again. We talked some more and discussed it. I had no idea that she already had a guy in her sights. She brought him up one day. She said he was cute, and all this other stuff, and she wanted to approach him. I told her it was fine and to just go for it. She saw him one day and gave him her number. That night they talked, and from there they hit it off. Of course, I thought it would be more of a sexual thing.

More recently, she brought up that she actually wanted a secondary relationship, that she really has been wanting that for a year or two now. Of course, I was shocked and a bit taken aback by this. I thought she just wanted to have sex with a guy, or even a threesome. I didn't know what to think of this.

She said she is happy with us and being married. She wouldn't change it for anything, but for the last year or two she has been wanting more-- more being a second man in her life. She would feel more complete if she had this. With me being how I am (mono) I was like, "Wow, really?"

She has been dating this guy going on 2 months. She tells me it's going great. He's a nice guy and they can talk for hours. She says they have such a connection, and he feels the same about her. She thinks this could lead to love. My reaction to this was, "Okay?" Confusion setting in, I said, "I thought you loved me?" Well, she does, but says she might love someone else, too.

Recently, they slept together for the first time. This actually brought them closer and wanting to be with each other more.

She also mentioned he is 11-12 years older than her. Of course, this shocked me a bit.

I'm generally not a jealous person. My wife is very attractive and is constantly getting looks from men, as well as women, when we are out. So I usually take it as a compliment when I see a guy stare at her. But with her and the guy she is dating... how do I keep myself from being jealous and having it consume me?

I noticed she has been a happier person since she started seeing him, so in turn that makes me happy. That's all I really want. But still... I do worry about how this will affect us.

She thinks this will make us a stronger couple. Will it?

I'm okay with her and this relationship she has with him. I'm honestly okay with it, and all.

But will his age play a factor?

I just have so many questions and thoughts running through my head right now. lol Damn... all I can do is laugh...

Thanks for reading.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Poly can indeed make a couple stronger, but only IF there is lots of communication and consideration happening. She says she'd been feeling like she wanted a secondary relationship for a year or two, but you thought she was only after sex. Why didn't she bring that up during any of your conversations about poly? She needs to commit to not blindsiding you in the future. Dealing with jealousy is MUCH easier if you feel like you are being included and given time to process.

That touches on communication. The other big piece of the puzzle is consideration. She needs to realize that while for her this is all sunshine and roses, for you it is very different, and you have given her a huge gift by caring more about her happiness than about asking her to stay monogamous, even though the latter would probably be more comfortable for you.

So, what does that mean on a practical level? Well, is she investing in your marriage, making sure that you get as much energy, fun, and excitement as the new guy, and then some, to help show you that what she is telling you is true, that she is not replacing you? If he and she are going on dates, do you and she also go on dates? Who watches the kids when she and he are together? If you are stuck as the babysitter all the time, resentment will develop. Will she agree to watch the kids while you go out and do something fun that's just for you?

Meeting the guy could help. Many people find that having a cordial relationship with their partner's partner, or even a friendship, helps do away with some aspects of jealousy. Also, if you grow to like and trust him, *he* could help ensure that your marriage stays strong by watching the kids while you and she go out on a date. I know that probably sounds kinda out there right now, but in the best relationships of this kind, everyone respects everyone else's relationships and puts effort into helping them work.

As for resources to help you pick apart your jealousy and manage it better so that it doesn't eat you up, check out the section on jealousy and insecurity at www.morethantwo.com

Also, for the record, since you're all adults, I don't see his age as a factor.

And one more thing-- she should do some reading on NRE (new relationship energy). It's the mix of chemicals and excitement that make you go crazy over a new partner and sometimes act irrationally. It sounds like that's what may have happened in her other relationship. If you understand it, it's much easier to control it, and not fall so far so fast that you do dumb things.

 

[Magdlyn]

Meeting the guy may help. Many people find that having a cordial relationship with their partner's partner, or even a friendship, helps do away with some aspects of jealousy...

Also, for the record, since you're all adults, I don't see his age as a factor.

I just wanted to second those points.

 

[dingedheart]

How do I keep myself from being jealous and having it consume me?

She thinks this will make us a stronger couple. Will it?

Are you feeling jealousy now or during these last 2 months? If so how much (if that really quantifiable)? Is it getting worse, hence the reason for the post, or are you just planning ahead for some future attack?

The idea of this making couples stronger is a possibility, but the mono/poly dynamic is a different animal and a tough one, so I wouldn't bank on that. Survival should be the goal. A plane crash in the Andes could make your relationship stronger too. The downside is, it could kill you. Unfortunately, the same is true here. This could kill your marriage. This is where the law of unintended consequences goes to get drunk and party.

Good luck to you,
D

 

[Magdlyn]

This could kill your marriage.

Dinged, that isn't helpful.

This is where the law of unintended consequences goes to get drunk and party.

I don't even know what that means.

 

[Phy]

The idea of this making couples stronger is a possibility, but the mono/poly dynamic is a different animal and a tough one, so I wouldn't bank on that. Survival should be the goal. This could kill your marriage.

I know that your journey has been... rough, to say the least, Dingedheart. But don't lump all and everyone together.

As a word of encouragement: it (maybe strangely ) works for me and my men. They are both mono and okay with the situation. And it really gave positive input for the marriage and changed some things for the better. We became closer just because we decided to accept everything about the now changed person, that has been our partner since some years ago. People change constantly. You will gain something from this situation if you are able to work with this knowledge.

And I have to second Annabel as well: to know who or what is the subject, the root of your jealousy, will certainly help you to deal with it and to recognize where your problems are located. The "unknown" tends to appear twice as big as it really is.

Good luck to you.

 

[SNeacail]

I know that your journey has been ... rough to say the least, Dingedheart. But don't lump all and everyone together.

I do believe that Dingeheart was simply stating the need for caution and care. The journey will NOT be all sunshine and roses, there will be struggles that need to dealt with. It would be extremely unwise to not pay attention to red flags, just because his wife said it would "strengthen their marriage."

 

[redpepper]

Hey there, themonohub. You are in a great place to talk about monoamorous and polyamorous relationships co-existing together. There are many that have written here about similar stories to yours. I do hope you have a look around here and find other threads to read, as they might help. The search engine on the toolbar) will bring up the tag "mono/poly." There are a lot of threads there. You might want to search for "jealousy," too.

I think it must be very hard for mono partners to understand all this stuff about loving more than one. I really feel for mono folks when this comes up. Really, there is nothing that a poly person can do to explain or change themselves. It's all a work in processing what works for the two of you. For now, it seems you can trust her in her statements, but I would guess that she is not giving you or able to give you the full ramifications of how she feels right now. It's confusing, breathtaking and overwhelming to find yourself married and madly in love with someone else as much as you are with your spouse, only differently.

Be patient and keep talking about how you feel. Ask her how she feels and keep walking through that jealousy. It's really another word for fear of losing her and everything you know, feeling threatened about another man loving your wife and her loving him, feelings of not being good enough, not getting enough time, not feeling as loved.

 

[Phy]

I do believe that Dingeheart was simply stating the need for caution and care. The journey will NOT be all sunshine and roses, there will be struggles that need to dealt with. It would be extremely unwise to not pay attention to red flags, just because his wife said it would "strengthen their marriage."

I know, SNeacail. I just wanted to do the same and say that it actually could be possible. Nothing more. He has experienced bad sides. It is valid to point that out. But it just sounded as if he thinks that it's generally hopeless to expect something good coming out of the situation. That's why I wanted to provide the other side. At least, that was what I got out of his comment. I am sorry if it I got that wrong.

 

[dingedheart]

I don't know the stats, but it seems that coming from a longstanding mono marriage, in which one partner one day has an awakening (poly) while the other wants to remain mono has not demonstrated a high rate of success. I can think many usernames off the top of my head. Shall I list?

Phy, I'm really glad you posted those comments. It was not my intention to lump any all into a given category. I thought my words were true, measured and realistic. And I highly recommend people in this dynamic read your story and learn from you. I think you and your husband have done a great job in your efforts to make your situation work. (I'm not slighting the BF, but just don't see his efforts as being equal.)

BTW, I spent 8 months in Heidelberg. I lived under the castle, I mean, Schloss.