New to this! And also a very weird situation..

[Ale927]

I so hope that the girl I’m talking abt has no chance of seeing this lol!

Ok so I’m in a very weird situation. For starters, my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. Not once have we ever considered polyamory. I am bisexual, he is straight but a supportive partner and very open minded. And we are also currently almost 6 months pregnant with our first child together.

He started this new job, where he met this girl he became friends with. Some things were concerning to me, like she bought him something one time which I thought was weird, and there were rumors at work (key word rumors! Lol) and it was just drama at first. But because he enjoyed talking to her only as friends I gave her a chance and we set up a lunch for all 3 of us so I could meet her and just see how I felt about her. Lunch went great and we ended up making plans (just me and the girl) to go to a baseball game. So at this point I was starting to build a better friendship with her. The night we hung out it went great as well! We were hitting it off and just getting to know each other. We talked about a lot of different things, one of them being that she is poly. And naturally me being curious I ask a handful of questions.

Up until that night I had never been curious abt it before, nor did I look at her like that. But by the end of the night I was realizing that I did find her attractive but I brushed it off. Since then we have hung out a handful of times. And I, of course, ask more questions about polyamory lol. But each time we hang out, I realize more and more that this is the first woman I’ve had these strong of feelings for.

I only came out shortly after initially getting with my boyfriend over 4 years ago. And being monogamous I’ve never entertained the idea of being with a woman. (I’ve had one intimate experience with a woman but nothing more).

There are times where she says things or there’s little signs in her body language, or other little tells that give off the vibe she could possibly be interested in me, but at the same time she says things that give me the complete opposite impression, also leading me to believe that maybe she is picking up on the vibe that I’m into her.

But as far as she knows we are mono, and again, we only barely became more open and interested in being poly recently. If I’m being honest it really started once I met her. And once I started to get to know her and grow feelings for her, it’s just gotten stronger.

Now keep in mind, I’m currently about to be 6 months pregnant and I feel like it’s so weird for all this to be happening during this period of time. I want to be honest with her about how I’m feeling and I’d rather tell her how I’m feeling now instead of waiting a long time and grow even stronger feelings for her. I love having her around as a friend. And while I want more, if she didn’t I’d respect that and I’d still want to keep her around as a friend.

I’m also not the best at picking up on hints regardless if she’s hinting at whether or not she’s interested lol. I am currently thinking I should just wait to say anything until after I give birth to our child, just because I believe me being pregnant definitely makes it that much weirder lol.

But I also am in need of advice on ways to flirt in subtle ways and also if I can grow the confidence to admit my feelings to her, how do I go about it?? Obviously my partner knows how I feel and a recap from the beginning of this post, he is supportive and open minded to it. The only one in question is her. How do I go about this funky situation??

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I'd focus on becoming a parent for now.

You and your boyfriend haven't done a fraction of the conversing you need to do about desires and boundaries before you open a relationship.

Right now it's baby time. Not "let's try and have a threesome".

 

[Evie]

You do know that you both don't have to date the same person to be polyamorous, right? Or are you saying you think just you and her would date?

But to play devil's advocate for a sec, why not got out with her a few more times, each of you, separately, but without thinking about how to flirt with her. And once in a while hang out all together.

You may discover that you or she has no interest in long term dating either of you, or she may just want to date one of you and be friends with the other. Or she may want to be friends with both of you and could become another "cool aunty" type person to your baby.

Just please try to avoid laying any expectations on her or any rules about how she can be your (plural) friend, like "only hang out if the it's all of us" - that's not how friendship works, I'm sure you know that since you've already been out with her just the two of you.

If you are interested in getting into a relationship with her, be aware this could mean all in. Like, baby might call you both mom once it can speak. Are you okay sharing the raising of your child with a third parent? I have have triad friends who do just this, they are a family of two children (one for each bio mom,) and three adults. Both moms are "mom" to both kids.

It didn't happen overnight, but it did happen.

It might be easier to adjust to this way of thinking before baby is born. It's food for thought in any discussions you have with your current partner before either of you seriously think about dating someone else, let alone the same person.

Triads are complex, there are three dyads involved and each one needs time and attention and money. Add in a baby who needs the most time and attention and money, and it may be just a step too far. Or it may be comparatively smooth sailing.

Maybe after baby being born you could lose all interest in dating her or him but they keep or start dating each other. Would you all be able to negotiate how that works so you don't become resentful if their relationship, or that you end up "always the one at home with baby"? Could you leave them at home with baby so you can go out with another friend? Could you leave baby with him and go out with her for a friend date even if you no longer feel a spark? Could you leave baby with her so you and he can go out?

Dating someone means being prepared for change. You might escalate that relationship, or it might end - calmly or with drama. Either way it's unlikely to stay indefinitely at arm's length, only seeing her when it's convenient to you. That wouldn't be particularly kind to someone you are authentically dating. Everyone has the right to advocate for their needs, and she will very likely have just as complex ones as each of you. Including possibly dating someone else currently unknown to any of you. Poly networks can get quite large!

It's quite overwhelming to consider so many things when right now you barely know her, but polyamory can be a can of worms. Pandora's box. Is now a good time to open it? Possibly yes, possibly no. Definitely spend some time being introspective about what you can actually handle.

Then imagine if you could handle it with post natal depression, just in case.

 

[Openbook23]

If your friend is poly, she will not be offended if you tell her your feelings. She may or may not reciprocate, but she won't be automatically offended just because you are married. There's no way to know if she wants to date you, though. Poly doesn't mean promiscuous or that a person will date anyone who offers. Sounds like she likes you and is having fun with you. Just keep being yourself; you don't need tips on flirting with her. That will come naturally, if there are romantic feelings in both directions.

However, there is something potentially risky here. If your partner also wants to date her, this is probably not a good idea. It could work, of course! Such things happen. But I recall someone I follow on IG recently (annie-undone) who noted that triads are like the olympics of poly. They are complicated and hard, but wonderful if you succeed. This basically means that even poly people rarely have triads (as a percentage of relationships, I mean). You'll find some people around here who do (or have). It happens! But you have to be really good at managing all your relationship skills, and many of those are developed by other poly relationships (managing jealousy, feeling compersion, etc.).

What can happen is that one of you is getting more attention than the other, or perhaps this woman really only wants to date one of you. Imagine the worst case scenario, which I guess in this case is that she wants to date your husband but not you. Would you be OK with that? If the answer is yes, that's a good sign! If it's no, well, be careful then. We don't get to dictate other people's feelings. Can you deal with that?

The fact that you are considering this is wonderful. Read Opening Up and Designer Relationships (lots more in the master thread of resources). There are some skills you need to develop. DO YOUR HOMEWORK if you want to be poly. When it works, it's wonderful!

 

[Magdlyn]

Other people have offered good advice. I just want to stress that baby's needs come first. I assume this is your first child. Newborns and infants take an incredible amount of work. I assume you'll be breastfeeding. You'll need to be there for baby around the clock as you get that established. Even if you decide not to breastfeed, the mother/child bond is usually extremely strong. You'll probably be on call pretty much 24/7 anyway. It can take at least 6 weeks for your body to heal physically (enough for sex). Your emotions will be all over the place.

And that's if things go well. If the baby or you have health issues (god forbid), if the birth does not go real smoothly, that adds a whole other level of stress.

I'd say the huge majority of poly people do NOT begin a new relationship when they are about to give birth and begin the high-demand life entailed in raising a newborn/infant/toddler. Babies need their moms, and if dad is in the picture, they need him too. If you get pregnant again in another year or three, you'll be doing this all over again. Which is a wonderful thing. Being a parent, falling in love with your baby, is a peak life experience. But when I had 3 kids in 5 years, I barely had time for myself (eating, a shower, pooping), much less for my husband. And then there's the shopping, housecleaning, laundry, the toys all over the floor, the spitting up, the constant diaper changes, baths, etc., etc., and then maybe trying to go back to work at some point and arranging for the baby's care and your feelings around being apart.

Of course, there are hours and hours of fun, cuddles, laughter, enjoying the baby hitting their milestones, reading them books, singing and dancing with them, going for walks, doing little craft projects as they grow, holiday excitement, getting to know other new parents, etc. That's the good part.

It's a very busy time. Any spare time you do have (if you have a sitter or family nearby) should be spent on nice dates with hubby, to keep your bond as strong as possible during this time, in my humble opinion!

 

[Ale927]

If your friend is poly, she will not be offended if you tell her your feelings. She may or may not reciprocate, but she won't be automatically offended just because you are married. There's no way to know if she wants to date you, though. Poly doesn't mean promiscuous or that a person will date anyone who offers. Sounds like she likes you and is having fun with you. Just keep being yourself; you don't need tips on flirting with her. That will come naturally, if there are romantic feelings in both directions.

However, there is something potentially risky here. If your partner also wants to date her, this is probably not a good idea. It could work, of course! Such things happen. But I recall someone I follow on IG recently (annie-undone) who noted that triads are like the olympics of poly. They are complicated and hard, but wonderful if you succeed. This basically means that even poly people rarely have triads (as a percentage of relationships, I mean). You'll find some people around here who do (or have). It happens! But you have to be really good at managing all your relationship skills, and many of those are developed by other poly relationships (managing jealousy, feeling compersion, etc.).

What can happen is that one of you is getting more attention than the other, or perhaps this woman really only wants to date one of you. Imagine the worst case scenario, which I guess in this case is that she wants to date your husband but not you. Would you be OK with that? If the answer is yes, that's a good sign! If it's no, well, be careful then. We don't get to dictate other people's feelings. Can you deal with that?

The fact that you are considering this is wonderful. Read Opening Up and Designer Relationships (lots more in the master thread of resources). There are some skills you need to develop. DO YOUR HOMEWORK if you want to be poly. When it works, it's wonderful!

I appreciate everything you said! And definitely agree, our baby will ALWAYS come first… reading back on how I wrote it it probably sounds like I’m not ready or wanting to put my baby first which is totally not the case these are just feelings that have come up and not only am I trying to understand them but trying to figure out what’s the best way to deal with this whole situation. My boyfriend (basically husband haha) and I have had a lot of conversation about this as well. He understands that if this were to be something we pursued that there would be much conversation happening about boundaries, expectations, etc. all of that jazz. We are already like that even in our currently monogamous relationship so I can safely assume we would be even more communicative if we were to add a third. And I know that if it was a “only interested in me” situation he would be supportive but just set boundaries. But if by any odds it works out with this specific woman, she is very interested in being with BOTH partners. I know for sure that’s what she wants to pursue should she find a good fit of a couple. We talked about this actually this past weekend so I do know what she wants hahah.

 

[Ale927]

I'd focus on becoming a parent for now.

You and your boyfriend haven't done a fraction of the conversing you need to do about desires and boundaries before you open a relationship.

Right now it's baby time. Not "let's try and have a threesome".

Thank you… just want to clarify that YES my main concern is my baby, making sure they are healthy and just having time for me and my boyfriend to connect with our little one this coming October when the baby will be born. Re-reading my post it may have come across like my baby isn’t my main concern but I’m definitely not about to pop out a child and then only be worrying about this woman. And who knows, when the time comes, we may be so busy with our newborn that those feelings could fade, or this whole situation just gets pushed to the bottom of my list of priorities! Even once I’m done with maternity leave, I then have to balance work life as well as raising a baby! Also, we have actually sat and talked about a LOT of stuff pertaining to this whole situation. Of course we haven’t gone over every single little detail. But we have discussed much of the important things, I’m very open and honest with him as he is with me, and we are not necessarily looking to try hard to make this work, especially with a baby about to be in our house. But thank you for your feedback.

 

[Ale927]

Other people have offered good advice. I just want to stress that baby's needs come first. I assume this is your first child. Newborns and infants take an incredible amount of work. I assume you'll be breastfeeding. You'll need to be there for baby around the clock as you get that established. Even if you decide not to breastfeed, the mother/child bond is usually extremely strong. You'll probably be on call pretty much 24/7 anyway. It can take at least 6 weeks for your body to heal physically (enough for sex). Your emotions will be all over the place.

And that's if things go well. If the baby or you have health issues (god forbid), if the birth does not go real smoothly, that adds a whole other level of stress.

I'd say the huge majority of poly people do NOT begin a new relationship when they are about to give birth and begin the high-demand life entailed in raising a newborn/infant/toddler. Babies need their moms, and if dad is in the picture, they need him too. If you get pregnant again in another year or three, you'll be doing this all over again. Which is a wonderful thing. Being a parent, falling in love with your baby, is a peak life experience. But when I had 3 kids in 5 years, I barely had time for myself (eating, a shower, pooping), much less for my husband. And then there's the shopping, housecleaning, laundry, the toys all over the floor, the spitting up, the constant diaper changes, baths, etc., etc., and then maybe trying to go back to work at some point and arranging for the baby's care and your feelings around being apart.

Of course, there are hours and hours of fun, cuddles, laughter, enjoying the baby hitting their milestones, reading them books, singing and dancing with them, going for walks, doing little craft projects as they grow, holiday excitement, getting to know other new parents, etc. That's the good part.

It's a very busy time. Any spare time you do have (if you have a sitter or family nearby) should be spent on nice dates with hubby, to keep your bond as strong as possible during this time, in my humble opinion!

I appreciate your response! I feel as though my initial post made it seem as if my main concern isn’t being the best new mommy I can be but it DEFINITELY is! My boyfriend (basically husband haha) and I are on the same page that this baby is our #1 priority always. Things can change soo much once the baby is born. I’m very certain that a lot of time will pass until I actually feel like I could even put any time or focus on this other woman or even think about pursuing anything! And I agree that I’ve never seen someone start being in a relationship with someone while they’re pregnant, poly or mono like it’s titled, it’s definitely I very weird situation! But definitely want to clarify that I know if this were something that we’d hope to pursue one day, there’s little to no chance that we would try to do this anytime soon because of the fact I’m having a baby. This whole situation came about at a very odd time lol!

 

[Magdlyn]

OK. So if you're definitely putting baby's needs first, and your relationship with your current bf a close second, there is no need for either of you to start a romantic/sexual relationship with this new woman any time soon. There is no need to "flirt," or give her any ideas about being the unicorn to a MF established couple.

Personally, I feel wary about women who are out there hunting for just a couple to be with, self-described unicorns. They don't seem to realize they would not be just "a third," a shared gf. They would be in 2 relationships. This woman would be in one relationship with you and another relationship with your partner.

I'd fend her off at this point. Sure, be her friend if you want. Anything more would be unwise. Don't let her think you two are open to a triad, at this time. Making a triad work is a very advanced kind of polyamory. There is a huge chance there would be differences of emotions, needs, desires amongst the three of you. There are three dyads in a triad, and each dyad needs its own space to grow.

You and her
Her and your bf
You and your bf
Then,
All three of you.

Neither you or your bf will have the time/energy to even pursue new partners of your own for quite some time. Sure, you could try. But I highly doubt any relationship will be sustainable past the early infatuation (NRE) phase, if that. And you don't need the stress of a breakup now, when your focus is the child you chose to bring into this world.

I know that if it was a “only interested in me” situation, he would be supportive, but just set boundaries.

What would those boundaries be? What would YOUR boundaries be? Boundaries are something you set for yourself. You two might negotiate shared agreements. New poly couples often do that, and agree to renegotiate anything that isn't working.

But if, by any odds, it works out with this specific woman, she is very interested in being with BOTH partners. I know for sure that’s what she wants to pursue, should she find a good fit of a couple. We talked about this actually this past weekend, so I do know what she wants.

Kind of a red flag, imo.

Did anyone here recommend the book Opening Up here yet? If not, I do recommend it to everyone, singles or couples, interested in ENM or polyamory. It covers all the bases, shows how to avoid mistakes and disasters in open relationships.

It would help you negotiate shared agreements and decide on personal boundaries too. It sounds like your new friend could stand to read it too.

 

[Magdlyn]

Oh and on another subject, I am also bisexual (pansexual really), and a non-binary femme person (more girly, some boy tendencies).

I was in a mono relationship/marriage with my ex h for 30 years. We had 3 kids. I had innumerable crushes on others, both male, female and non-gender-conforming, during that time. I let those crushes come and go. I had a few strong crushes on friends. I'd even call it love. But I never told any of those people about my feelings. There is no need to tell someone when you have a crush on them, as you seem to think. If you're poly, I go by the saying: "Just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD."

It's possible to be bi and mono. But eventually, my ex and I did separate (in 2008) and divorce (in 2011). Now, 14 years later, I am finally in two happy and balanced relationships, with two people, one female, one male. But it was a long hard road to get to this point. It took a lot of work, a lot of rejection, confusion, heartbreak, etc.

(Both my partners are also poly. Gf has a long term bf, and my bf is currently open to another r'ship.)

You can do a search on here for triads, so see all the ways they can and do go wrong and get super messy.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Ale927,

Perhaps the thing to say to this other woman is, "I don't mind if we continue to be just friends, but I should also tell you that I am having some feelings for you, and if you wanted more than a friendship, I'd be okay with that too."

Of course, if she wants a romantic relationship with you, she would still have to understand that your time with her would be limited, at least for a while, with a newborn to take care of. At first this would mostly be just confessing your feelings for each other.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Ale927]

Oh and on another subject, I am also bisexual (pansexual really), and a non-binary femme person (more girly, some boy tendencies).

I was in a mono relationship/marriage with my ex h for 30 years. We had 3 kids. I had innumerable crushes on others, both male, female and non-gender-conforming, during that time. I let those crushes come and go. Some were very strong crushes, with friends. I'd even call it love. But I never told one of those people about my feelings. There is no need to tell someone when you have a crush on them, as you seem to think. If you're poly, I go by the saying: "Just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD."

It's possible to be bi and mono. But eventually, we did separate (in 2008) and divorce (in 2011) and now, 14 years later, I am finally in 2 happy and balanced relationships, with two people, one female, one male. But it was a long hard road to get to this point. It took a lot of work, a lot of rejection, confusion, heartbreak, etc.

(Both my partners are also poly. Gf has a long term bf, and my bf is currently open to another r'ship.)

You can do a search on here for triads, so see all the ways they can and do go wrong and get super messy.

Oh and on another subject, I am also bisexual (pansexual really), and a non-binary femme person (more girly, some boy tendencies).

I was in a mono relationship/marriage with my ex h for 30 years. We had 3 kids. I had innumerable crushes on others, both male, female and non-gender-conforming, during that time. I let those crushes come and go. Some were very strong crushes, with friends. I'd even call it love. But I never told one of those people about my feelings. There is no need to tell someone when you have a crush on them, as you seem to think. If you're poly, I go by the saying: "Just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD."

It's possible to be bi and mono. But eventually, we did separate (in 2008) and divorce (in 2011) and now, 14 years later, I am finally in 2 happy and balanced relationships, with two people, one female, one male. But it was a long hard road to get to this point. It took a lot of work, a lot of rejection, confusion, heartbreak, etc.

(Both my partners are also poly. Gf has a long term bf, and my bf is currently open to another r'ship.)

You can do a search on here for triads, so see all the ways they can and do go wrong and get super messy.

I see where you’re coming from and again I appreciate all the advice! Obviously my boyfriend and I have talked a lot about this but still are barely dipping a toe in a cesspool of what we barely know anything about. And being so new to this, theres obviously a lot that we would cover if we ever did find someone we wanted to be with. Wether it be her or if we met another woman that we both would be interested in pursuing a relationship with! You also make a point when mentioning the whole “just because you CAN doesn’t mean you SHOULD.” Especially being so new. I can definitely agree to be more educated before making big decisions such as this. My original post wasn’t necessarily to figure out how to be with her, while it kind of was down that road, it was more so “hoe can I go about figuring out this situation and the flirting part of it” but 1000% baby is our priority and we get more excited every day to meet our little one! This could definitely be infatuation.. I just know I feel something very strong for her. And it could totally pass. My only focus as far as her is just being friends right now and we hang out when we both have time to be able to do so!