New to this and could use some insight!

[sassyscot]

I've been seeing my partner for a year. It started off really casual and we always said we we're ok with each other sleeping with other people. Fast forward a year, and we've pretty much been monogamous the whole time. He's an amazing, hilarious person and we have amazing sex. He did have a couple of flings when I was away but that didn't faze me.

A month ago, I quit drinking. We both drank a lot together but I wasn't a great drunk and our nights sometimes ended with me hurting my partner in some way. Since I've quit drinking, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster. I've cried more this month than I have in the last five years and It's really brought all of my insecurities and fears to the surface. I've felt very depressed for much of it and my partner has been so supportive and caring. I've also started feeling so much more love for him. I appreciate him so much more and I really see how much he has put up with from me. I know that sobriety has been the right choice and I think my emotions will level out eventually.

A couple of weeks ago, he slept with one of his co-workers. As soon as I knew it was happening I felt crushed. I felt so hurt and worthless. I wasn't at all mad as we've never made any rules or set boundaries about this but holy hell it was a shock to the system. In my current mental state I just didn't think I could deal with my sobriety journey as well as a new woman in my partners life. Most of the time we've been seeing each other he's said he'd happily stay monogamous and its always been me that wanted to stay open, until now. I can tell he's really into her.

We talked about it and I said that I'd only be able to date him if we were monogamous for a while, until I feel better. After half a day, I felt like such a hypocrite and told him that I want him to be happy and if that means seeing someone else too then I would try my best to support him. I truly want us to be able to see other people as I think it is important to explore and grow!

Fast forward again to last night, he went out with her, drank and did mdma with her and I couldn't handle it. I barely slept and my already stressed out body is in overdrive. I haven't been able to eat much lately and now I feel nauseated from this anxiety. If I asked him not to see her anymore I think he'd probably agree but I don't want to trap him like that. I want to be happy that he has someone else to party with that he can have a good time with but I just don't know if I'd survive it.

I don't know what to do! I love him so much and I don't want to lose him. We've talked about it all so much and we communicate well but I'm just at a loss. I think in the future we could be open, when I feel more love for myself but right now it feels like torture.



Thank you for reading!

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

If I asked him not to see her anymore I think he'd probably agree but I don't want to trap him like that.

Then just ask him. It's not trapping him to ask him if he could stop seeing her while you are working on your sobriety. What stops you from being honest with him? He is free to answer yes or no.

I want to be happy that he has someone else to party with that he can have a good time with but I just don't know if I'd survive it.

Are you saying that him being able to party is more important that you surviving?

I don't know what to do! I love him so much and I don't want to lose him. We've talked about it all so much and we communicate well but I'm just at a loss.

You could KEEP communicating well and be honest about where you are. You thought you could do it, you wish you could do it, but are bumping into the fact that you cannot do it right now while working on being sober.

I think in the future we could be open, when I feel more love for myself but right now it feels like torture.

This is what you could tell him.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Many polyamorous people do become temporarily monogamous when in a new relationship. This is common. The newness and excitement of getting to know someone, sharing stories, plus the great new sex, learning each other's bodies, is enjoyable, and can stop the wandering eye for a while.

Being all wrapped up in a new relationship has a term in polyamory. NRE, for new relationship energy. This feels like love, but is often just infatuation, hot sex and so on. Sometimes as NRE fades, which happens more or less after a year (depending on other factors), we may find we are not really deeply compatible with the partner. What felt like love, fades, and the rose colored glasses come off.

If we are lucky, love is really there, and you really start to fall in love, you are no longer always on best behavior, the real you and him comes out, and you find you are long term compatible.

Now, you've got 2 things going on. NRE is fading. BF is seeing someone new, he's got NRE for her probably. And you've made a huge change, getting sober, at the same time! You're feeling your feelings, you're not drowning them in booze.

But your BF is continuing to drink and do Molly with this new woman? That's going to be its own issue.

I don't have great advice, as I do not struggle with drug addiction. But yeah, if your relationship with BF included a lot of partying, and now you're working on sobriety, that in itself is difficult. I know you're working hard, one day at a time and all that. Add in, BF is seeing someone new to party with (and have sex with). It sounds hard. Do you have support for your sobriety? Maybe a therapist, who is experienced in counseling people with addictions, as well as in potentially open relationships, could help a lot. I can see it would be difficult to be sober and know your BF was drinking and drugging without you... Do you have sober friends at all?

 

[CaptainUnderpants]

Do you have sober friends at all?

Getting sober can be a very destabilizing adventure.

Since I've quit drinking, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster. I've cried more this month than I have in the last five years and It's really brought all of my insecurities and fears to the surface. I've felt very depressed for much of it and my partner has been so supportive and caring. I've also started feeling so much more love for him. I appreciate him so much more and I really see how much he has put up with from me. I know that sobriety has been the right choice and I think my emotions will level out eventually.

Disclaimer: Everybody is different and my observations may not apply to you so take what works and leave the rest.

I do know about getting sober, yet I have no idea to what depths drinking affected your life. Some people just stop drinking and it's no big deal. For others, like myself, drinking and the reliance on drinking completely ruled my life. For this reason when I stopped EVERYTHING changed. It was like a complete paradigm shift. Everything that I thought I knew was turned upside down and my old belief system was immediately in question. Yet I had no new belief system in place to replace the old.

So if you were like me, the new me was very fragile. There is nothing wrong with your boyfriend drinking or using drugs, but since you are fragile you will need to take care of yourself. This would involve developing a circle of like minded friends / therapist / program people, etc. that are supportive.

My best wishes are with you.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Since I've quit drinking, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster. I've cried more this month than I have in the last five years and It's really brought all of my insecurities and fears to the surface. I've felt very depressed for much of it and my partner has been so supportive and caring. I've also started feeling so much more love for him. I appreciate him so much more and I really see how much he has put up with from me. I know that sobriety has been the right choice and I think my emotions will level out eventually.

All of this is what happens when a person stops problem drinking, so your rollercoaster of overwhelming emotions is normal. In recovery, emotions don't automatically level out, people work on developing entirely new life management skills and work at maintaining their new found peace of mind. Without an ongoing program of recovery, you're just out on the raw and ragged edge, alone with your ragged emotions and same old management skills, minus the drinks. Are you in any kind of recovery program or are you just not drinking? Simply arresting the alcohol consumption is called white knuckling. If you do not have a support and education community, nor a program path, you're likely to have a much rougher time than if you were part of a recovery community. Most alcoholics who are not in active recovery have great difficulty maintaining stable and satisfying relationships. I urge you to focus on the drinking and recovery aspect of all of this because it permeates everything in your life. When problem drinking is involved, even when the person is dry, the usual relationship advice is of little help unless there's also active, full time involvement in a recovery program. Drinking is really not the issue - how you've learned to navigate life is the issue. Sobriety is just the start.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I truly want us to be able to see other people as I think it is important to explore and grow!
....If I asked him not to see her anymore I think he'd probably agree but I don't want to trap him like that.

Changing your agreement together is not trapping him, it's changing your agreement together. Mutually agreed upon change is what a healthy relationship should be able to handle. There are many ways explore and grow without having multiple sexual relationships - and I'd passionately argue that doing MDMA and drinking with someone is not "exploring and growing." Nobody needs any kind of recreational drug to "explore and grow." There are infinite ways to have fun without drugging. It's not about trapping him, nor about limiting him, it's about you coming to clarity about what is important for you. Sounds like he's willing to work with you and prioritize you. Are you willing to do the same for yourself?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello sassyscot,

It seems reasonable to me to ask your partner to put his relationship with his coworker on hold until you can get some relief from your rollercoaster of emotions. It is a fair compromise, both of you are (would be) doing something to contribute. Your contribution would be to stay sober. His contribution would be to put things on hold with his coworker. Both of you are giving something. Also, it's not a permanent scenario, you would be able to have him get back together with her after you get feeling better. So I suggest, go ahead and ask. Don't think of it as trapping him, you're just asking him to do something in support of you. So that you can survive!

I hope you and he can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.