New to this, in the UK

P

polysomethingsomething

New member
Hey! My wife and I have been together for 20 years and have recently formalised becoming polyamorous. We're in the UK. I'm getting my head around this new way of living, listening to podcasts, etc. My wife has recently started dating a female friend, so I'm going through what I think is the typical waves of "it's ok" to "OMG is it over for us?" to "am I good enough?" and everything in-between. I'm looking to join a community to go help me unwire my mono hardcoding.

BTW I'm male, 44, straight. She's 38 years old, pan. We have 3 kids and have what I would class as a very solid relationship (we're best friends). I don't know the girlfriend very well but so far all of the advice tells me that I should get to know the girlfriend and build a relationship with her.
 
polysomethingsomething said:
Hey! My wife and I have been together for 20 years and have recently formalised becoming polyamorous. We're in the UK. I'm getting my head around this new way of living, listening to podcasts, etc. My wife has recently started dating a female friend, so I'm going through what I think is the typical waves of "it's ok" to "OMG is it over for us?" to "am I good enough?" and everything in-between. I'm looking to join a community to go help me unwire my mono hardcoding.

BTW I'm male, 44, straight. She's 38 years old, pan. We have 3 kids and have what I would class as a very solid relationship (we're best friends). I don't know the girlfriend very well but so far all of the advice tells me that I should get to know the girlfriend and build a relationship with her.
Click to expand...
Welcome to polyamory and our board.

Which podcasts have you been listening to?

Did your wife fall in love with this woman, and then tell you she was, and that she wanted to open your marriage? Or had you two discussed it beforehand? You sound kind of blindsided-- what we call "dropping the poly bomb."

How old are your kids? Doing poly can be tricky with kids.

There is actually no need for you to build a r'ship with your metamour. Some people do this, of course. That is called kitchen table poly (KTP). Other people prefer parallel poly, where you may just be polite if your paths cross, but don't actually hang out. Either way is perfectly fine.

If you feel you're not good enough, you might want to read this:

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com
 
Greetings polysomethingsomething,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

There are two prominent styles of polyamory, one is called parallel poly, the other is called kitchen table poly. It sounds like you have been advised to do kitchen table, that is to make friends with your metamour (your wife's other partner). A nice way to go, if it works for you, but I would say don't rule out parallel, it is the best fit for many people. You have to find out what works best for you.

The "not enough" puzzle is a real challenge, because in a way, you're *not* enough. Not that there's something wrong with you, or deficient about you, but rather, because your wife wants more than one partner. And you can't be more than one partner, you are only one person. That's true of all of us. We're all "not enough," in that sense.

You do have some apparent monogamous/mononormative conditioning, you'll want to work on that over time, it's not an overnight process. There's a book you might want to read, it is called, "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. It is an interesting read, and posits the idea that humans are naturally nonmonogamous, and always have been. The monogamy we have today is an artificial construct, it has been imposed on us. Your wife can love more than one person, it doesn't have to be you or her other partner. That's one wire in your mono hardcoding.

If there's any way we can help let us know.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Magdlyn said:
Welcome to polyamory and our board.

Which podcasts have you been listening to?

Did your wife fall in love with this woman and then told you she was and that she wanted to open your marriage? Or had you two discussed it beforehand? You sound kind of blindsided. What we call "dropping the poly bomb."

How old are your kids? Doing poly can be tricky with kids.

There is actually no need for you to build a r'ship with your metamour. Some people do this, of course. That is called kitchen table poly (KTP). Other people prefer parallel poly, where you may just be polite if your paths cross, but don't actually hang out. Either way is perfectly fine.

If you feel you're not good enough, you might want to read this:

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com
Click to expand...
Thanks for the response. She and her gf work together. When their relationship got flirty my wife checked in with me and we discussed it. We have dated other couples before. I knew she was pansexual when we got together. We have always talked about having more people join our relationship. This is the first time one of us has gone alone, so that probably explains my feelings. This is consensual. But I think what I'm feeling is a bit of FOMO and self doubt.

Kids are 15, 14 and 10.

It's very early days and I want to work through this feeling. My wife is great. She has been very clear with gf that I take priority and if I want to tap out (because it's putting our relationship in danger) then she will end things with gf. But I don't want to be that guy.

I like the idea of us both being able to love other people romantically and/or physically. We have a fantastic marriage and we feel the lifestyle will suit how liberal we both are. But at this early stage I'm feeling anxious. Thanks for the recommendation. I will read this after running club. ☺️
 
kdt26417 said:
Greetings polysomethingsomething,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

There are two prominent styles of polyamory, one is called parallel poly, the other is called kitchen table poly. It sounds like you have been advised to do kitchen table, that is to make friends with your metamour (your wife's other partner). A nice way to go, if it works for you, but I would say don't rule out parallel, it is the best fit for many people. You have to find out what works best for you.

The "not enough" puzzle is a real challenge, because in a way, you're *not* enough. Not that there's something wrong with you, or deficient about you, but rather, because your wife wants more than one partner. And you can't be more than one partner, you are only one person. That's true of all of us. We're all "not enough," in that sense.

You do have some apparent monogamous/mononormative conditioning, you'll want to work on that over time, it's not an overnight process. There's a book you might want to read, it is called, "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. It is an interesting read, and posits the idea that humans are naturally nonmonogamous, and always have been. The monogamy we have today is an artificial construct, it has been imposed on us. Your wife can love more than one person, it doesn't have to be you or her other partner. That's one wire in your mono hardcoding.

If there's any way we can help let us know.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Click to expand...
Thanks. Good advice and it's helped
 
polysomethingsomething said:
Thanks for the response. She and her gf work together. When their relationship got flirty, my wife checked in with me and we discussed it. We have dated other couples before.
Click to expand...
How did that go? Did you have agreements to veto each other's r'ships? Like, if you and the other woman didn't work out, your wife and the other guy needed to break up too? This kind of a veto is more of a swinger mentality. In polyamory, each player is a solo agent. There is more independence.

Has the gf had experience with dating a married woman before?
polysomethingsomething said:
she was pansexual when we got together and have always talked about having more people join our relationship.
Click to expand...
Actually, other people don't "join your relationship." Each dyad is its own relationship. It might be clearer to say they are joining your poly network. You've gained a metamour, with whom you may (or may not) actually have a personal r'ship.

Dyads:

You + wife
Wife + gf
You + gf (possible friendship, or just "basic polite")

Each dyad will grow at its own pace. The romantic relationships will especially need to be nurtured.
polysomethingsomething said:
This is the first time one of us has gone alone, so probably explains my feelings.
Click to expand...
Perhaps you wish you had a gf too so that things would be "equal." That's nice when it happens, but often it doesn't. At least not right away. My nesting partner and I have gone YEARS where only one of us had a nice steady bf, and the other one just kept striking out. We both have high standards for what we want in a partner.
polysomethingsomething said:
This is consensual. But I think what I'm feeling is a bit of FOMO ...
Click to expand...
What are you missing out on?
polysomethingsomething said:
and self doubt.
Click to expand...
What is your doubt? You can't be a woman. Even if your wife was dating a guy, trans-guy, non-binary person, you can't be that person. You are enough you.
polysomethingsomething said:
Kids are 15, 14 and 10.
Click to expand...
Do they know Mom and Dad date others? Does your extended family know?
polysomethingsomething said:
It's very early days and I want to work through this feeling. My wife is great, and she has been very clear with gf that I take priority and if I want to tap out (its putting our relationship in danger), then she will end things with gf.
Click to expand...
What kind of danger? That kind of veto isn't fair to the other person, who may resent having a third party be in control of her relationship. But perhaps your wife has done this before, broken up with someone because you said so? It's hard to invest properly in a relationship when a person not in the r'ship can pull the plug! It can be heartbreaking.
polysomethingsomething said:
But I don't want to be that guy. I like the idea of us both being able to love other people romantically and/or physically.
Click to expand...
OK, that's good. Had you two discussed much moving from dating as a couple to dating individually before she started coming on to the work friend?

Have you read Opening Up, Designer Relationships, or Polysecure? They will address how to move from swinging/partner swapping to actual polyamory.
polysomethingsomething said:
We have a fantastic marriage and we feel the lifestyle will suit how liberal we both are. But at this early stage I'm feeling anxious. Thanks for the recommendation, will read this after running club ☺️
Click to expand...
 
Magdlyn said:
How did that go? Did you have agreements to veto each other's r'ships? Like, if you and the other woman didn't work out, your wife and the other guy needed to break up too? This kind of a veto is more of a swinger mentality. In polyamory, each player is a solo agent. There is more independence.

Has the gf had experience with dating a married woman before?
Click to expand...
It was swinging, so very casual and purely physical. Which probably explains why I'm struggling with this new dynamic. The gf has had a lot of shitty abusive relationships with men. She had kids with them too. Has had casual gf's before, I think this is her first 'proper relationship' with another woman
 
Magdlyn said:
Perhaps you wish you had a gf too so that things would be "equal." That's nice when it happens, but often it doesn't. At least not right away. My nesting partner and I have gone YEARS where only one of us had a nice steady bf, and the other one just kept striking out. We both have high standards for what we want in a partner.
Click to expand...
I did think this initially, but I think it would be a knee jerk reaction and not what we need. If the right person came along, I now know that I could take it further. But jumping into my own new relationship just to even things up feels like a silly move. I too have high standards.
 
Magdlyn said:
What is your doubt? You can't be a woman. Even if your wife was dating a guy, trans-guy, non-binary person, you can't be that person. You are enough you.
Click to expand...
My doubt is that she will leave me. But this seems like a natural feeling for someone new to this. I need to work on opening my mind to the fact that her heart is big enough for 2
 
Magdlyn said:
Welcome to polyamory and our board.

Which podcasts have you been listening to?

Did your wife fall in love with this woman, and then tell you she was, and that she wanted to open your marriage? Or had you two discussed it beforehand? You sound kind of blindsided-- what we call "dropping the poly bomb."

How old are your kids? Doing poly can be tricky with kids.

There is actually no need for you to build a r'ship with your metamour. Some people do this, of course. That is called kitchen table poly (KTP). Other people prefer parallel poly, where you may just be polite if your paths cross, but don't actually hang out. Either way is perfectly fine.

If you feel you're not good enough, you might want to read this:

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com
Click to expand...

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

Oh my. This is exactly what I'm going through
 
Hi everyone. I just wanted to circle back and thank those of you who replied to my post. The day of my original post was a really really low day and I succumbed to flu which kicked my ass for a few days.

Since then I've been doing a lot of self work and communication with my wife and her gf. Life's better now. We've agreed that a kitchen table arrangement works for us (we even have our own WhatsApp group). I feel like I'm shedding my mono hard coding and am actually loving watching their relationship blossom (and be a great source of support and advice for my wife). It's early days yet, and I'm sure these things can go in any direction. But for those of you feeling that early mono fear; as long as you have a relationship with a strong trusting core, try to unclench, embrace the love you have and open yourself to the potential of being in an even stronger, more complete relationship.
 
As Sting would say, "If you love someone, set them free."

It sounds like our posts in this thread have been helpful for you, if so I am glad. I hope you have continued success in transitioning over to polyamory.
 
polysomethingsomething said:
Hi everyone. I just wanted to circle back and thank those of you who replied to my post. The day of my original post was a really really low day and I succumbed to flu which kicked my ass for a few days.

Since then I've been doing a lot of self work and communication with my wife and her gf. Life's better now. We've agreed that a kitchen table arrangement works for us (we even have our own WhatsApp group). I feel like I'm shedding my mono hard coding and am actually loving watching their relationship blossom (and be a great source of support and advice for my wife). It's early days yet, and I'm sure these things can go in any direction. But for those of you feeling that early mono fear; as long as you have a relationship with a strong trusting core, try to unclench, embrace the love you have and open yourself to the potential of being in an even stronger, more complete relationship.
Click to expand...
Your mono shedding will be slow and ongoing. Don’t be surprised if you think you worked through it all just for something new to pop up. I know people who have been poly for years still have stuff come up. It’s all situational And It’s all part of the process. Don’t get derailed, just keep working on it and you’ll get through it just like you did this hiccup. Congrats on making it through!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top