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I am really struggling with the euphemisms. What do you actually WANT from husband?

Are you saying...

  • I don't need to have sex several times in a night.
  • When we DO share sex? I want good sex that is more than a perfunctory, chore like quickie.
  • I crave physical intimacy. I also value mental and emotional intimacy and connection. I also value orgasms.
  • I'm not getting much of any of the above. I'm bored/lonely/unseen/undervalued/taken for grant/???
  • I want things to change.
  • But I don't want to actually tell him to change anything because he's tired/stressed.

Is that what you are saying? Or you want something else?
To try to answer your questions

I don’t have to have sex a few times a night (would it be nice sure at night and maybe in the morning) but long as I get something.

I don’t want the sex to feel like a chore at all (seems like hubs feels it is at times or I could be totally off on that) when we have sex I want good sex I want to get off.

I do want intimacy too (looking in each other eyes, cuddling) just that connection, but I also know that is not going to happen during weekday if anything that will happen on a weekend where we have more time and not rushed of course would like to get off too.

I feel like hubs feels it’s a chore to have sex on some nights (like alright guess I have to to make her happy) and if it is a quickie no I don’t always get off so that is not always fun.

I do want things to change just have to figure out how to speak my mind I think.

I feel bad he is tired but I work a 40 hour week too AND he wanted the 2nd wife so I think he needs to figure out how not to be so tired.


New member
I really want to chime in here as someone whose sex life is mostly via toys...

You. Aren't. Doing. It. Wrong. There is no wrong way to masturbate.

There are a variety of ways to use toys, or combinations thereof and congrats on the new purchase! I bought something that was being frequently reviewed in one of my news feeds last year and honestly, I was a little underwhelmed at first. But I got used to the new type of sensation and now it's my go to. The last little shopping spree I went on, one thing got totally shelved because it appears I have a sensitivity to the stuff it's made of and I keep forgetting to buy condoms to cover it. The best thing of the spree was the free gift with purchase 😂

You're not doing anything wrong, but I definitely encourage you to keep experiencing different things, and to learn about and try out new techniques and positions while masturbating. I'm in the minority who have comparatively easy orgasms, but the most amusing part about being 42 is remembering that at 22 I surely knew *everything* about how to pleasure myself. Yeah right. I'm sure I'll be even more amused at 62 looking back on 42...

Finally, if you're going the multi toy route, once in a while invite hubby to wield one of them while you hold the other(s) precisely where you like 🙂
I do like my new toy, hubs hasn't seen it yet, but he will, but also want to make sure he doesn't think the toy should be a replacement for him, if I need to use to finish so be it but he needs to do his job too lol


New member
Ha, I must have been really tired when I wrote this... should have been Knight spends the night with Joan, or Artist sees Elayne. :🤷: no big deal, but it'd be good if I kept my nicknames straight.

Why are you ok with that level of unfairness? And honestly I *don't* talk about my sex life with my best friends to that degree, but that's a question of how open you are about everything.

But back to the unfairness - he's asking you not to be jealous, but he's not willing to do the same for you. And you're not (I assume from what you've written) bi, so this isn't even a triad - this is him getting to have two romantic relationships and you not getting the same. Nor is wife2 (nicknames would be nice, tbh).
I have thought about saying okay what if it was reversed I had you and bf and what if I was to tired on your nights (but that may backfire not sure) would be nice if wife2 (which nicknames are good idea I need to make some up) was bi then we could all have fun, I haven't had alot experience in that but would try it.


Well-known member
Thank you for clarifying.

I feel bad he is tired but I work a 40 hour week too AND he wanted the 2nd wife so I think he needs to figure out how not to be so tired.

I think you are right. He can't just keep phoning it in with you and expect you to be ok with that forever. You appear to have agreed to a One Penis Policy, so you don't have the freedom to polydate anyone else because husband would be too jealous. Yet here you are expected to deal in envy because you wish you had what Wife2 is getting -- his attention, and better quality sex.

If this all started this summer, why did you all decided to live together so fast? And why is she called a second wife rather than a GF? Why is all this so fast?



Well-known member
I can totally see feeling envious of the sex (2-4 fucks a night?) that your friend/metamour is getting to have with her new bf, your husband, when he is "too tired" to give you any but the quickest quickie! That just doesn't fly. Sure, he's all horned up with the new and shiny. And so is she. You're in poly hell. You've been demoted and are being taken for granted.

And what's even worse is that your h is "too jealous" to "allow" you to date someone else to get you some of that hot and exciting NRE sex! WTH? This is 2020. Women are equal to men. Men can't impose a "one penis policy" on their female partners. Modern polyamory is based on feminism. You go ahead and tell him you're going to start looking for another lover.

What GG was saying is this: hubs and his gf want to have sex 4 times a night, 4 days a week. That 16 sex sessions a week. And you get what? A 10 minute quickie? In what universe is this in the least bit fair?

I know, I said poly partners should not be asking their nesting partner or their metamour how much sex they are having. But your friend/metamour should not be shoving in your face the information that she's getting laid 16 times a week, while you get one quickie, if you're lucky.

It's the hinge's role to satisfy both his or her partners, in every way they can. (No one is super human, but still, poly takes that kind of work.) If you can't satisfy 2 partners, you don't get to have 2 partners.

NRE can last 3 to 18 months. Do you really want to wait all that time to resume satisfying sexual relations with your husband? (And what if he finds another gf then and this neglect continues?)

Why not speak up more?
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Well-known member
I have thought about saying, "What if it was reversed? What if I had you and a bf, and I was too tired on your nights?" (But that may backfire, I'm not sure). It would be nice if wife2 was bi. Then we could all have fun. I haven't had a lot of experience in that, but I would try it.
No, if you were bi and got to have an occasional 3way with a shared partner, that would not make up for the lack of intimate one on one sex. You'd need to have one on one sex with both the female lover and with your shared male partner for it to be fair and balanced. Each dyad in a triad needs to be nurtured separately.


Active member
I want to acknowledge that changes in an existing relationship can be jarring and tend to make me feel insecure and frustrated. It's tough when something that I was used to having one way, is not coming at me an entirely different way. It takes energy to work through a switch in our environment, and I hope that you will be easy on yourself as you navigate this new shift.

Sex drive between two people tends to change over time; I know it does for me. The further I get away from the hot "your stupid habits don't bother me yet" phase and the closer I get to the "I can't believe how much your stupid habits bother me" phase, the less sex I will tend to have.

Time and gradual change aside, my sexual interest in one person will always be different from my sexual interest in another person. They are different people, and the dynamic between the two dyads is unique; we relate to each other differently, have different interests in common, and the "chemistry" is its own thing.

So I would personally recommend away from the idea of "demanding fairness", or anything like that. I would personally recommend taking the approach of figuring out if there is a new dynamic in your relationship (which it sounds like there is), and what possible adjustments does that make to your life, and where do you fit in to this new dynamic (if at all)? Relationships are going to shift and move around as time goes on and environmental pressures change. Most of the time these changes are really small and I don't see them until there has been accumulation, sometimes the changes really make my life more cozy, and sometimes these changes negatively impact me, and this is a perfectly healthy aspect of life. When I am at my most sane and sober, I want to put my energy toward properly interpreting the reality of my context, and taking actions within that reality that give me the best chance of flourishing.