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Cabinlife2020

New member
My best friend is now 2nd wife only 2 weeks in living with us, late summer is when ball got rolling took a while work out details etc. Right now hubs one night with me then wife2, no prob there i want us to have equal time. Need to know how i handle this feeling i am having, nights with wife2 they have sex every night sometimes two three times, my night maybe once ( really I dont need 2 or 3 times a night i do like more then a quickie on my weekend night but during week hubs and both work full time wife 2 not working at moment due to health isses) but my night hubs is either to tired or cant get excited, he says nothing to do with me he is tired and long work days and said he is 51 so cant be superman, (but no prob doing it when wife2 turn) do I need to put my hurt feelings aside and go with the flo, is hubs and wife2 in what we call newlewed faze and things will even out, i hate to burden and put stress on hubs but i feel I should get sex on my nights too, hubs does say wife2 finishs fast so why they go few times a night, i dont always get satisfied on quickie nights but at least we have that connection and that matters to me. Do i need to be more inderstanding and patience or do I have a right to feel this way
 

Aun46!

New member
I'm new to the poly world as well. I've been with my couple for a year and a half. I believe you need to talk to them about it. After a while your feeling wont be just towards the hubs but to wife2 as well and we don't want that. I know I didn't like those feelings when I used to get them. The anger, jealousy, selfishness. I suggest talking to them and making your feelings known to both of them. Wife2 might not know there is any issues going on.:unsure:
 

icesong

Member
he is 51 so cant be superman, (but no prob doing it when wife2 turn) do I need to put my hurt feelings aside and go with the flo, is hubs and wife2 in what we call newlewed faze and things will even out

NRE - new relationship energy, or newlywed phase as you call it - is a hell of a drug. So yeah, him having a lot more energy for his other partner is not terribly unusual though it is pretty terrible if you don't also have someone else in your life.

My advice here is:
  1. quit worrying about equality and worry about whether or not you're getting your needs met, and whether or not sex is the only way to meet them. Easier said than done, as you can tell from my constant dithering about it with my Knight in my blog. and
  2. I realize this can be difficult in a small house, and also difficult if you and your husband and/or you and your best friend are used to telling each other everything... but in my experience, it is really really better to not know all the details of when or what kind of sex your partner is having with someone else. Like, when Knight spends the night in Elayne's room, I don't know when or if they have sex.I assume it's possible, even probable, past that? nope, it's none of my business.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello Cabinlife2020,

It sounds to me like your husband, and wife2, are in the throes of NRE. It's like you said, it's the newlywed phase and things will probably even out ... note I said *probably* ... different people have different "sex clocks," and where for one person, sex once every other night is enough, whereas another person may crave sex two or three times in a single night. Let me ask, you said you don't need sex two or three times in a single night, but can I ask, do you *want* sex two or three times? Also, you said you like more than a quickie on your weekend night, are you saying that your husband only gives you a quickie? Just seeking clarification, I want to better understand your situation. Is this a matter of not getting your own needs met, or of feeling hurt because she gets more, or a combination of things?

Looking forward to your reply.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I agree with the others.

Don't ask them how often they are having sex. It's really none of your business. But if your hubs is "too tired" to satisfy you (for whatever reason), that can feel like a problem, of course. However, no one owes another person sex. We are all responsible for our own orgasms. My partner does not fully satisfy me. She just has a lower sex drive than I do. So I need to masturbate to fulfill my raging sex drive. Before Covid, I usually had another partner (this or that person, usually male) in my life, who was willing and eager to give me lots more sex. Right now, I'm just making do.

You can masturbate in bed next to hubs. Don't try to hide it. Let him know you need to satisfy yourself to get a good night's sleep, to not be cranky, to rid yourself of menstrual cramps, or whatever it does for you. There is no need to hide your sexual needs. Maybe he can give you a hand in some way, even if he's too tired to really get into it all the way.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
You can feel however you feel.

Could expect there to be a learning curve for all of you if this whole V just started this summer and she just moved in 2 weeks ago. He's learning how to balance his work and home life and how to be a hinge to two partners. You and she are learning how to be roomies and metas on top of being friends from before.

Right now hubs one night with me then wife2, no prob there i want us to have equal time.

I would check the calendar. I see days for him to be with you, and days for him to be with her. Where's the days for him to be with just him so he can REST?

I would also stop talking with him about what he does with his other partner. Every dyad needs their own privacy. Other than safer sex practices and birth control agreements? You really don't need to know what kind of sex they have or how much. And she doesn't need to hear that about your side of the V either.

i hate to burden and put stress on hubs but i feel I should get sex on my nights too

So? Have some. Masturbate. You can have orgasms on your own whenever you want.

If I'm horny and masturbate next to my spouse and he's too tired? He puts his hand on my bottom and when I make me orgasm he pats it and goes "That's my girl." That too is shared sexual intimacy. The world does not revolved around PIV orgasms.

If it's that you want closeness and connection in other ways -- ask for the partnered activities you'd like. Date nights. Kissing, hugging, tickling, whatever.

Could be flexible about what sharing sex looks like. Ask if there's intercourse or outercourse he finds less wearying? Watching you masturbate? Mutual masturbation? Oral? Toys? You on top? Something else?

I dont always get satisfied on quickie nights but at least we have that connection and that matters to me.

Could suggest other things to do that foster connection and not focus so much on orgasm.

And if the quickies aren't all that? It's ok to skip them.

Do i need to be more inderstanding and patience or do I have a right to feel this way

It doesn't have to be either/or. It could be both/and.

Like you could be more understanding that he's tired and ask him if the calendar needs to include nights for just him to REST. Because he's all worn out all the time.

Could be more patient with them being in the honeymoon phase. I imagine you had that phase with him too.

AND could tell him that you'd like better quality sex and connection on your nights. Not just always quickies on the weekend and that's it. Connecting in other ways, and then if you do share sex, better sex for shared pleasure, sensuality, caring, expression. Not like checking a chore off the list.

Galagirl
 

Cabinlife2020

New member
NRE - new relationship energy, or newlywed phase as you call it - is a hell of a drug. So yeah, him having a lot more energy for his other partner is not terribly unusual though it is pretty terrible if you don't also have someone else in your life.

My advice here is:
  1. quit worrying about equality and worry about whether or not you're getting your needs met, and whether or not sex is the only way to meet them. Easier said than done, as you can tell from my constant dithering about it with my Knight in my blog. and
  2. I realize this can be difficult in a small house, and also difficult if you and your husband and/or you and your best friend are used to telling each other everything... but in my experience, it is really really better to not know all the details of when or what kind of sex your partner is having with someone else. Like, when Knight spends the night in Elayne's room, I don't know when or if they have sex.I assume it's possible, even probable, past that? nope, it's none of my business.
Other partner for me would never happen, hubs way to jealous that way, I don't ask about what they do in the bedroom best friend just tells me (like a best friend would normally do), I will have to read your blog sounds intriguing
 

Cabinlife2020

New member
Hello Cabinlife2020,

It sounds to me like your husband, and wife2, are in the throes of NRE. It's like you said, it's the newlywed phase and things will probably even out ... note I said *probably* ... different people have different "sex clocks," and where for one person, sex once every other night is enough, whereas another person may crave sex two or three times in a single night. Let me ask, you said you don't need sex two or three times in a single night, but can I ask, do you *want* sex two or three times? Also, you said you like more than a quickie on your weekend night, are you saying that your husband only gives you a quickie? Just seeking clarification, I want to better understand your situation. Is this a matter of not getting your own needs met, or of feeling hurt because she gets more, or a combination of things?

Looking forward to your reply.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Sure I wouldn't mind sex more then once a night will night and early morning is always nice, weekends I like more foreplay time to kiss etc but its hard to get in the mood when you know hubs is tried and really not wanting to do more so something is better then nothing. I think combo of both she seems to get satisfied when it can take me longer but he finishes before I can.
 

Cabinlife2020

New member
I agree with the others.

Don't ask them how often they are having sex. It's really none of your business. But if your hubs is "too tired" to satisfy you (for whatever reason), that can feel like a problem, of course. However, no one owes another person sex. We are all responsible for our own orgasms. My partner does not fully satisfy me. She just has a lower sex drive than I do. So I need to masturbate to fulfill my raging sex drive. Before Covid, I usually had another partner (this or that person, usually male) in my life, who was willing and eager to give me lots more sex. Right now, I'm just making do.

You can masturbate in bed next to hubs. Don't try to hide it. Let him know you need to satisfy yourself to get a good night's sleep, to not be cranky, to rid yourself of menstrual cramps, or whatever it does for you. There is no need to hide your sexual needs. Maybe he can give you a hand in some way, even if he's too tired to really get into it all the way.
I dont ask wife2 tells me, I have toys but it is hard for me to get fully satisfied with them (maybe I am not doing it right or something) but to me the final touch from hubs does the trick, I don't mind warming up with toys etc but need him to finish. I did buy a new toy to try and I don't want hubs to get all "you have toys so you don't need me let me sleep" attitude.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
A man often tends to cum before a woman ... and for that reason, I think the man should do oral/manual favors for the woman before intercourse/before she does favors for him. I don't know what your usual sexual routine is, and I don't mean to pry into your private affairs.

It doesn't make sense that your husband is tired on your nights, but not tired on her nights. This isn't an issue of being tired, it's an issue of him having NRE for her, and not trying to make things equal with you. Tell him you need him to make things more fair.
 

Cabinlife2020

New member
You can feel however you feel.

Could expect there to be a learning curve for all of you if this whole V just started this summer and she just moved in 2 weeks ago. He's learning how to balance his work and home life and how to be a hinge to two partners. You and she are learning how to be roomies and metas on top of being friends from before.



I would check the calendar. I see days for him to be with you, and days for him to be with her. Where's the days for him to be with just him so he can REST?

I would also stop talking with him about what he does with his other partner. Every dyad needs their own privacy. Other than safer sex practices and birth control agreements? You really don't need to know what kind of sex they have or how much. And she doesn't need to hear that about your side of the V either.



So? Have some. Masturbate. You can have orgasms on your own whenever you want.

If I'm horny and masturbate next to my spouse and he's too tired? He puts his hand on my bottom and when I make me orgasm he pats it and goes "That's my girl." That too is shared sexual intimacy. The world does not revolved around PIV orgasms.

If it's that you want closeness and connection in other ways -- ask for the partnered activities you'd like. Date nights. Kissing, hugging, tickling, whatever.

Could be flexible about what sharing sex looks like. Ask if there's intercourse or outercourse he finds less wearying? Watching you masturbate? Mutual masturbation? Oral? Toys? You on top? Something else?



Could suggest other things to do that foster connection and not focus so much on orgasm.

And if the quickies aren't all that? It's ok to skip them.



It doesn't have to be either/or. It could be both/and.

Like you could be more understanding that he's tired and ask him if the calendar needs to include nights for just him to REST. Because he's all worn out all the time.

Could be more patient with them being in the honeymoon phase. I imagine you had that phase with him too.

AND could tell him that you'd like better quality sex and connection on your nights. Not just always quickies on the weekend and that's it. Connecting in other ways, and then if you do share sex, better sex for shared pleasure, sensuality, caring, expression. Not like checking a chore off the list.

Galagirl

A man often tends to cum before a woman ... and for that reason, I think the man should do oral/manual favors for the woman before intercourse/before she does favors for him. I don't know what your usual sexual routine is, and I don't mean to pry into your private affairs.

It doesn't make sense that your husband is tired on your nights, but not tired on her nights. This isn't an issue of being tired, it's an issue of him having NRE for her, and not trying to make things equal with you. Tell him you need him to make things more fair.
Weekends we usually try to do more oral and fun things during the week where he works he just feels to tired to do it since he works all day. I think he is tired on my nights because wife2 has him going 2 to 4 times thru the night waking him up etc so he is spent as he says and I think since as others say its all new with wife2 he wants to please her (not saying he is not tired on her night but he won't say no to her where he will with me I assume since I am the old wife not the new one he figures I should accept it)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
No, you should not just accept it. What about the idea of limiting sex with wife2 to just two times in one night, then maybe he'd be less tired on your nights and could do it with you two times. Less for her, more for you, but equal. That would be more fair.
 

Cabinlife2020

New member
You can feel however you feel.

Could expect there to be a learning curve for all of you if this whole V just started this summer and she just moved in 2 weeks ago. He's learning how to balance his work and home life and how to be a hinge to two partners. You and she are learning how to be roomies and metas on top of being friends from before.



I would check the calendar. I see days for him to be with you, and days for him to be with her. Where's the days for him to be with just him so he can REST?

I would also stop talking with him about what he does with his other partner. Every dyad needs their own privacy. Other than safer sex practices and birth control agreements? You really don't need to know what kind of sex they have or how much. And she doesn't need to hear that about your side of the V either.



So? Have some. Masturbate. You can have orgasms on your own whenever you want.

If I'm horny and masturbate next to my spouse and he's too tired? He puts his hand on my bottom and when I make me orgasm he pats it and goes "That's my girl." That too is shared sexual intimacy. The world does not revolved around PIV orgasms.

If it's that you want closeness and connection in other ways -- ask for the partnered activities you'd like. Date nights. Kissing, hugging, tickling, whatever.

Could be flexible about what sharing sex looks like. Ask if there's intercourse or outercourse he finds less wearying? Watching you masturbate? Mutual masturbation? Oral? Toys? You on top? Something else?



Could suggest other things to do that foster connection and not focus so much on orgasm.

And if the quickies aren't all that? It's ok to skip them.



It doesn't have to be either/or. It could be both/and.

Like you could be more understanding that he's tired and ask him if the calendar needs to include nights for just him to REST. Because he's all worn out all the time.

Could be more patient with them being in the honeymoon phase. I imagine you had that phase with him too.

AND could tell him that you'd like better quality sex and connection on your nights. Not just always quickies on the weekend and that's it. Connecting in other ways, and then if you do share sex, better sex for shared pleasure, sensuality, caring, expression. Not like checking a chore off the list.

Galagirl
If he wants a night of rest he needs to tell us (right now he figures I am the old wife so if I want to rest you should understand he doesn’t want to so no to the new wife since its all new) I don’t ask about their sex only did that once when she told me about how they been doing it 2 to 4 times a night and its like okay)



I have toys but its hard for me to get totally off (maybe I do it wrong who knows but I did buy a new one so we will see) but usually hubs needs to finish the deed, if I use the toys after we had sex he will just go to sleep.



I don’t want it to feel like a chore at all for him, been with him 30 years I am sure we had a honeymoon phase long time ago lol, and where I am 50 they say you lose sex drive seems mine in in overdrive.
 

Cabinlife2020

New member
No, you should not just accept it. What about the idea of limiting sex with wife2 to just two times in one night, then maybe he'd be less tired on your nights and could do it with you two times. Less for her, more for you, but equal. That would be more fair.
No, you should not just accept it. What about the idea of limiting sex with wife2 to just two times in one night, then maybe he'd be less tired on your nights and could do it with you two times. Less for her, more for you, but equal. That would be more fair.
might be something to talk about but I think he worried it will upset new wife to ask her to tone it down
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
So let her be upset. She isn't queen of the world, she doesn't get to have everything she wants even if it hurts you. You are in a group relationship, she should be willing to compromise just like you are. At least that's my opinion ...
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I am really struggling with the euphemisms. What do you actually WANT from husband?

Are you saying...

  • I don't need to have sex several times in a night.
  • When we DO share sex? I want good sex that is more than a perfunctory, chore like quickie.
  • I crave physical intimacy. I also value mental and emotional intimacy and connection. I also value orgasms.
  • I'm not getting much of any of the above. I'm bored/lonely/unseen/undervalued/taken for grant/???
  • I want things to change.
  • But I don't want to actually tell him to change anything because he's tired/stressed.

Is that what you are saying? Or you want something else?
Galagirl
 

Evie

Well-known member
I really want to chime in here as someone whose sex life is mostly via toys...

You. Aren't. Doing. It. Wrong. There is no wrong way to masturbate.

There are a variety of ways to use toys, or combinations thereof and congrats on the new purchase! I bought something that was being frequently reviewed in one of my news feeds last year and honestly, I was a little underwhelmed at first. But I got used to the new type of sensation and now it's my go to. The last little shopping spree I went on, one thing got totally shelved because it appears I have a sensitivity to the stuff it's made of and I keep forgetting to buy condoms to cover it. The best thing of the spree was the free gift with purchase 😂

You're not doing anything wrong, but I definitely encourage you to keep experiencing different things, and to learn about and try out new techniques and positions while masturbating. I'm in the minority who have comparatively easy orgasms, but the most amusing part about being 42 is remembering that at 22 I surely knew *everything* about how to pleasure myself. Yeah right. I'm sure I'll be even more amused at 62 looking back on 42...

Finally, if you're going the multi toy route, once in a while invite hubby to wield one of them while you hold the other(s) precisely where you like 🙂
 

Evie

Well-known member
So let her be upset. She isn't queen of the world, she doesn't get to have everything she wants even if it hurts you. You are in a group relationship, she should be willing to compromise just like you are. At least that's my opinion ...
I personally wouldn't ask them to modify their activities, but I agree that you don't need to martyr yourself for their dyad. If you need to say something for your well-being then say it and let her manage her own feelings. So long as you aren't attacking their dyad, but expressing what you need in yours, then you are simply being your own advocate.
 

icesong

Member
Like, when Knight spends the night in Elayne's room, I don't know when or if they have sex.I assume it's possible, even probable, past that? nope, it's none of my business.
Ha, I must have been really tired when I wrote this... should have been Knight spends the night with Joan, or Artist sees Elayne. :🤷: no big deal, but it'd be good if I kept my nicknames straight.
Other partner for me would never happen, hubs way to jealous that way, I don't ask about what they do in the bedroom best friend just tells me (like a best friend would normally do), I will have to read your blog sounds intriguing
Why are you ok with that level of unfairness? And honestly I *don't* talk about my sex life with my best friends to that degree, but that's a question of how open you are about everything.

But back to the unfairness - he's asking you not to be jealous, but he's not willing to do the same for you. And you're not (I assume from what you've written) bi, so this isn't even a triad - this is him getting to have two romantic relationships and you not getting the same. Nor is wife2 (nicknames would be nice, tbh).
 

fuchka

Member
I'm not sure if this has been mentioned by others (I just skimmed a few posts) but you could also ask your best friend to stop sharing details of her sexual activities with your husband. Sure, that might make sense if she was dating a third person (maybe; I find sharing of intimate details a bit off myself) but this is a different scenario. You're adjusting to a lot. You don't need this as well.
 
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