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T-dubz

New member
Hi everyone

So I wanted to get some opinions and advice about my current situation. I'm in a wonderful relationship with my amazing gf/best friend/mother of my children, and I am head over heels for her in all aspects of the life we have built for ourselves. About a year ago I opened up to her and told her that I am polyamorous, she did not take this very well and tensions rose for a short time. I didn't want to push her or make her upset again so I let the new knowledge simmer for awhile. And things were great again, until about a month ago when I decided to bring it up again. We had a better conversation about it and what it means to me and my views of a poly lifestyle. Things are still good between us and she accepts that I am polyamorous. But. If we delve into the talk she feels that I have to be dissatisfied in our relationship in some way, or she worries that I would cast her aside to explore my new found relationship, or leave completely. I try to reassure her that I'm not going to leave and I don't want to do anything without her permission. Her next option did frustrate me a little. Which was I had the option to leave and be free to explore myself and she would wait for me... but I don't want to even think about leaving I brought this to her as something I would like to do together. She is more sexually experienced than myself and I feel like her previous bad experience that ended her previous relationship is scaring her to think that any experience with me would have the same outcome (previous experience was not poly related but in the sexual exploration realm) I just don't know how else I can assure her that I want to be with her forever as she does me with a possible 3rd if we could ever find a 3rd even. But any time we talk in depth about it I get shut out and the open discussion circles back around to said bad experience.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I don't know if any of this might help.

About a year ago I opened up to her and told her that I am polyamorous, she did not take this very well and tensions rose for a short time.

You didn't bring this up sooner in your courtship? Before having children?

I try to reassure her that I'm not going to leave and I don't want to do anything without her permission.

I think maybe you mean "I'm not going to change the relationship model without her consent." Is that true?

Her next option did frustrate me a little. Which was I had the option to leave and be free to explore myself and she would wait for me... but I don't want to even think about leaving I brought this to her as something I would like to do together.

Does your GF prefer monogamy?

Or maybe she'd be up for open/poly if you each dated separate people. But she's not up for "sharing a 3rd" like a in a triad?

She is more sexually experienced than myself and I feel like her previous bad experience that ended her previous relationship is scaring her to think that any experience with me would have the same outcome (previous experience was not poly related but in the sexual exploration realm)

Well, you are you. You are not her ex. Hopefully she sees that.

I just don't know how else I can assure her that I want to be with her forever

Is that the problem? The "forever" word? Because people are not immortal. There is no such thing as "forever."

Is she's uneasy with your other ideas if they seem like more "forever" type flowery language that does not seem grounded in reality?

Some people respond better to "practical language" rather than "flowery language."

Also...
any time we talk in depth about it I get shut out and the open

Is it too much talking too fast? Could look at what was successful before.

About a year ago I opened up to her and told her that I am polyamorous, she did not take this very well and tensions rose for a short time. I didn't want to push her or make her upset again so I let the new knowledge simmer for awhile.

Maybe slow down these conversation so she has more time in between to think it over?

Maybe looking at the opening up worksheets helps you have more productive conversation if you look at them together just a few questions at a time? With plenty of time in between conversations to let it simmer?

But if in the end of talking things out she prefers monogamy... Are you ok meeting in the middle somewhere? Like you don't see other people so it feels Closed enough to her? And she becomes more willing to talk to you about your poly thoughts and feelings so you aren't going around bottled up? So it gets a little more Open for you?

Or is that not going to be enough for you?

Galagirl
 
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T-dubz

New member
I don't know if any of this might help.



I think maybe you mean "I'm not going to change the relationship model without her consent." Is that true?



Does your GF prefer monogamy?

Or maybe she'd be up for open/poly if you each dated separate people. But she's not up for "sharing a 3rd" like a in a triad?



Well, you are you. You are not her ex. Hopefully she sees that.



Is that the problem? The "forever" word? Because people are not immortal. There is no such thing as "forever." So she's uneasy with your other ideas if they seem like more "forever" type flowery language that does not seem grounded in reality? Some people respond better to "practical language" rather than "flowery language."



Is it too much talking too fast? Could look at what was successful before.



Maybe slow down these conversation so she has more time in between to think it over?

Maybe looking at the opening up worksheets helps you have more productive conversation if you look at them together just a few questions at a time? With plenty of time in between conversations?

But if she's prefers monogamy... Are you ok meeting in the middle somewhere? Like you don't see other people so it feels Closed enough to her? And she becomes more willing to talk to you about your poly thoughts and feelings so you aren't going around bottled up? So it gets a little more Open for you?

Or is that not enough?

Galagirl
It's definitely enough and yeah I'm not seeing or talking to anyone else. I don't want to break her trust. We agreed to speak openly about it but it usually ends with her saying she doesn't want to hold me back from being myself so I'm free to explore, but like you said I don't want to change our relationship model. Secondly I don't use the term forever I was trying to say she wants us to grow old together and I do also I just don't see any harm in having a triad if we know we're not gonna give up on eachother
 

Marcus

Well-known member
I don't want to change our relationship model

Just to clarify, isn't that exactly what you want? If you don't want to change your relationship model then you would continue to be traditionally monogamous.

What you are hoping for is some form of non-monogamy, which is a significant change to the relationship configuration, right?
 

T-dubz

New member
Just to clarify, isn't that exactly what you want? If you don't want to change your relationship model then you would continue to be traditionally monogamous.

What you are hoping for is some form of non-monogamy, which is a significant change to the relationship configuration, right?

Just to clarify, isn't that exactly what you want? If you don't want to change your relationship model then you would continue to be traditionally monogamous.

What you are hoping for is some form of non-monogamy, which is a significant change to the relationship configuration, right?
That's accurate
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Let me repeat back what I understand in my own words.

At this time, you both have agreed to talk about nonmonogamy openly. If that's as far as it ever goes? It's enough for you.

If she can become more comfortable over time, then you'd be up for changing the relationship model to something non-monogamous because it is with her consent and you'd be going there together.

You are not going to just up and change it without her consent like making a unilateral decision for the couple.

Even though she's suggested "taking a break" or a "soft break up" so you can go on to explore without her and she'd wait for you to return when you are done... you don't want to exercise that option.

Is that true?

Galagirl
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello T-dubz,

There seems to be some hope that your partner will be okay with poly eventually, but you need to take it slow and take one little step at a time. Discuss it with her often, but not at length at any given time. Just talk a little and then give her time to think about it.

You'll probably have to go slow anyway, it will probably take quite awhile to find a third. But just to be safe, rein yourself after each little step of the journey. Pause to reflect, and discuss. Then slowly take the next little step.

It's good that you brought this to her, you are sharing your honest feelings.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 

Inaniel

Active member
I try to reassure her that I'm not going to leave and I don't want to do anything without her permission. Her next option did frustrate me a little. Which was I had the option to leave and be free to explore myself and she would wait for me... but I don't want to even think about leaving I brought this to her as something I would like to do together. She is more sexually experienced than myself and I feel like her previous bad experience that ended her previous relationship is scaring her to think that any experience with me would have the same outcome (previous experience was not poly related but in the sexual exploration realm) I just don't know how else I can assure her that I want to be with her forever as she does me with a possible 3rd if we could ever find a 3rd even. But any time we talk in depth about it I get shut out and the open discussion circles back around to said bad experience.
It's definitely enough and yeah I'm not seeing or talking to anyone else. I don't want to break her trust. We agreed to speak openly about it but it usually ends with her saying she doesn't want to hold me back from being myself so I'm free to explore, but like you said I don't want to change our relationship model. Secondly I don't use the term forever I was trying to say she wants us to grow old together and I do also I just don't see any harm in having a triad if we know we're not gonna give up on eachother.

So you want a triad specifically? Meaning you want to have a 3rd that you and your partner will both have sex with? A triad configuration would be referred to as unicorn hunting and is regularly cited as being a particularly difficult to attain and maintain. What I am saying is, if the there was a number scale demonstrating the degree of which a poly configuration is drastically different than your current relationship, a triad would be near the highest number in the scale; as in, a very drastic change in your relationship configuration. While other poly configurations would be less of a transition from the current situation.

Saying, "I am poly and I hope you can accept me and continue to love me" is much different than saying "I am poly and my expectation is for your to be poly as well.."

Can you see how your desire for a triad might not be fair to your partner?


Her next option did frustrate me a little. Which was I had the option to leave and be free to explore myself and she would wait for me...

What does this mean exactly? That you would move out and be "broken up", splitting up custody of the kids?

It is an interesting statement. I am guessing that means she has no intention or desire to be with other people herself...

Let's assume for a moment that you think about all of the poly possibilities and you realize that a triad is a bad idea (because eventually you will)... There are ways you can pursue poly while minimally involving your partner, and while still maintaining residence with her, having a loving relationship with her, and the children... I would probably work from that angle.

The conversation can go like this. Partner, are you poly? No? So do you want to be involved? No?; okay thank you for accepting my poly nature, a triad is out of the question because I can see you are not interested in it. Can we develop a plan that allows you to be minimally involved while retaining as much of our existing relationship as possible?
 
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