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Reesa

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Hello my name is Reesa. My finace and i are poly. I have not been in a poly relationship before him. I believe im somewhere in the middle. I could be poly or mono. Here is the difficulty i am hoping i could recieve help on. Monogamy is more what i am used to so when he desires someone else i struggle with feeling like i am not enough; which is a catch 22 because most of the time i initiate and encourage him to pursue other women ane he does the same for me if i want another man. I tend to go more for women though. I find women very desirable so it really works for us. We originated as an open couple. We have 2 rules. 1. If the other person says no, retreat essentially. And 2. With new people let the significant other know before doing anything intimate. The more i am with him, my mind reverts to monogamy and im having trouble even being on the same page as my mind. As if im constantly battling myself . Any advice?
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Hello my name is Reesa. My fiance and i are poly. I have not been in a poly relationship before him. I believe im somewhere in the middle. I could be poly or mono.
It's best you figure out all this stuff very well before tying the knot. There seems to be a major disconnect.
Here is the difficulty i am hoping i could receive help on. Monogamy is more what i am used to, so when he desires someone else i struggle with feeling like i am not enough. This is a Catch 22 because most of the time i initiate and encourage him to pursue other women and he does the same for me if i want another man.
The fact is, if he is poly, you are "not enough." You can't be 2 people. You're one person. You're perfect as that one person. But he has the ability to love more than one person. And he is "not enough" for you, since he's a guy and you love women. This is just the whole point of polyamory, loving more than one.
I tend to go more for women though. I find women very desirable so it really works for us.

Do you mean you two "share" a single woman sexually?
We originated as an open couple. We have 2 rules.

1. If the other person says no, retreat essentially.
I don't understand this at all. Who is the "other person"? You, him or a different dating partner? What does "essentially retreat" mean? You get to veto his choices and he gets to veto yours? How is this fair? Why do you get to be the boss of him and vice versa?
2. With new people, let the significant other know before doing anything intimate.
So if you're on a date and things are heating up, you need to text fiance and say, "Hey, I am about to fuck this other person." Have you actually done this while on a date with another? Or do you put the lid on the heat, end the date, then tell fiance you want to have sex with another, then set up the sex date? What happens if you have sex with another in the heat of the moment and don't get a chance to send that text?
The more i am with him, my mind reverts to monogamy and im having trouble even being on the same page as my mind. As if im constantly battling myself . Any advice?
It sounds like you two need to disentangle a bit. Polyamory requires a degree of independence. Check out this article.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle.

Please consider a long engagement and don't get married til you sort this out.

How long ago was the change from "open" to "poly?" How much preparation did you do? Have either of you had a long term poly partner yet? Or has it been mostly open encounters?

You seem to enjoy open relationship.

Is it that you are polysexual -- and up for sharing sex with other people? But are monoamorous? And want to love only him?

What about him? Is he also monoamorous and polysexual? Or is he polyamorous and polysexual -- so it doesn't bother you if he wants to share sex with others. But it does bother you if he wants to share romantic feelings with others?

I don't know if this helps you any with figuring out your core beliefs.


Which one are you? Like a 2 or 3? Which one is he?
  1. monoamorous (want to love 1 sweetie) + monogamous shape (wants ONLY 1:1 relating, never poly things)
  2. monoamorous + relationship shape flexible -- can do monogamy or like end point in V or similar
  3. polyamorous + relationship shape flexible -- can do poly or monogamy so long as they can talk about their poly thoughts/feelings and be authentic selves
  4. polyamorous + poly shape (wants ONLY poly structures, never monogamy)
I think people in the same "category" can date each other ok. Maybe even date someone from the category next to them. But a #1 and a #4 want totally opposite things.

This thing of not being enough... are you enough for YOU? Do you talk down to yourself? Or talk to yourself in your head with respect? Treat yourself with kindness? Or are you picking at yourself to find flaws?

If you are engaged to be married, presumably you are enough you for him.

But if he wants open/poly? You might be enough YOU for him, but he wants to have more than one partner. You cannot magically turn yourself into two people. Limit of the Universe.

Monogamy is more what i am used to so when he desires someone else i struggle with feeling like i am not enough

Are you treated well here?

Is it that you could deal with it better if he isn't gushing at you about his desires? Like "Sure, hon, pursue new people. Just don't go around the house bugging me about it" or similar?

1. If the other person says no, retreat essentially.

Is this a veto? So if you are interested in a potential and he says no, you have to back off? Or if he is interested in a potential and you say no, he has to back off?

Isn't it faster just to agree before hand who the "messy people" are?

Like... "Please do not date my parents, siblings, best friend, roomies, boss, coworkers. Past that, date who you want. I will return the favor and not date any of your messy people."

There is enough people to date in the work without going right for the messy ones. That way it is agreed on before anyone finds any potentials or develops any attachments. Cuz it really sucks to find a potential and start developing a relationship and then have to say "Well, I gotta dump you because my other partner doesn't like it."

2. With new people, let the significant other know before doing anything intimate.
Why is this framed this way? This way it's like you have to be his sex gatekeeper and he has to be yours.

Could consider reframing the agreement.

This could be reframed as "We agree to use safer sex practices. (List them. ) Before sharing sex again with each other... we both will ask and we both will tell if there's been sex shared with new people since the last time we shared sex together."

Then you both still get to know the info. And can choose to give continued consent from an informed place. But you aren't "policing" each other's bodies.


The more i am with him, my mind reverts to monogamy and im having trouble even being on the same page as my mind.

Is it that you wanted a certain kind of marriage model? Like you are up for it when dating, but after marriage you wanted something else? To let go of all the open/poly stuff? Go back to monogamy?

So... you struggle because you love him a lot, but deep down you know he's not gonna make the cut for marriage because you want monogamy then?

How long have you been engaged? What work have you done so far on that front? What is it that you each want from marriage? Do these things align?

Please do not rush into marriage. Long engagements are better. To me an engagement ends successfully in one of two ways.

1) The couple does the work of engagement by taking a marriage prep class online, at a house or worship, county extension office, etc. They find they ARE deeply compatible and in alignment. Then and only then do they move on to planning the wedding.

2) The couple does the work of engagement by taking a marriage prep class online, at a house or worship, county extension office, etc. They find they ARE NOT deeply compatible. They end the engagement and do NOT move on to wedding planning. Instead they save themselves the emotional and financial costs of a wedding, poor marriage, and divorce.

There are some things one does NOT compromise on. Like if one always wanted 2 kids and the other wanted 0. You do not "compromise" and have just 1 kid. That's miserable for the parents and for the kid. Whether or not to have children is a big deal.

Open/poly vs monogamy after marriage -- that's a big deal too. So are other things.

So take your engagement time seriously. ENGAGE and have the important deep compatibility conversations you need to be having.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Reesa,

You need to make peace with the fact that you are enough! You're not inferior. Someone else isn't "better" than you. He is not "replacing" you. He loves and desires you, very much!

Maybe repeating the above statements to yourself will help you?

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

Reesa

New member
I'm sorry you struggle.

Please consider a long engagement and don't get married til you sort this out.

How long ago was the change from "open" to "poly?" How much preparation did you do? Have either of you had a long term poly partner yet? Or has it been mostly open encounters?

You seem to enjoy open relationship.

Is it that you are polysexual -- and up for sharing sex with other people? But are monoamorous? And want to love only him?

What about him? Is he also monoamorous and polysexual? Or is he polyamorous and polysexual -- so it doesn't bother you if he wants to share sex with others. But it does bother you if he wants to share romantic feelings with others?

I don't know if this helps you any with figuring out your core beliefs.


Which one are you? Like a 2 or 3? Which one is he?
  1. monoamorous (want to love 1 sweetie) + monogamous shape (wants ONLY 1:1 relating, never poly things)
  2. monoamorous + relationship shape flexible -- can do monogamy or like end point in V or similar
  3. polyamorous + relationship shape flexible -- can do poly or monogamy so long as they can talk about their poly thoughts/feelings and be authentic selves
  4. polyamorous + poly shape (wants ONLY poly structures, never monogamy)
I think people in the same "category" can date each other ok. Maybe even date someone from the category next to them. But a #1 and a #4 want totally opposite things.

This thing of not being enough... are you enough for YOU? Do you talk down to yourself? Or talk to yourself in your head with respect? Treat yourself with kindness? Or are you picking at yourself to find flaws?

If you are engaged to be married, presumably you are enough you for him.

But if he wants open/poly? You might be enough YOU for him, but he wants to have more than one partner. You cannot magically turn yourself into two people. Limit of the Universe.



Are you treated well here?

Is it that you could deal with it better if he isn't gushing at you about his desires? Like "Sure, hon, pursue new people. Just don't go around the house bugging me about it" or similar?



Is this a veto? So if you are interested in a potential and he says no, you have to back off? Or if he is interested in a potential and you say no, he has to back off?

Isn't it faster just to agree before hand who the "messy people" are?

Like... "Please do not date my parents, siblings, best friend, roomies, boss, coworkers. Past that, date who you want. I will return the favor and not date any of your messy people."

There is enough people to date in the work without going right for the messy ones. That way it is agreed on before anyone finds any potentials or develops any attachments. Cuz it really sucks to find a potential and start developing a relationship and then have to say "Well, I gotta dump you because my other partner doesn't like it."


Why is this framed this way? This way it's like you have to be his sex gatekeeper and he has to be yours.

Could consider reframing the agreement.

This could be reframed as "We agree to use safer sex practices. (List them. ) Before sharing sex again with each other... we both will ask and we both will tell if there's been sex shared with new people since the last time we shared sex together."

Then you both still get to know the info. And can choose to give continued consent from an informed place. But you aren't "policing" each other's bodies.




Is it that you wanted a certain kind of marriage model? Like you are up for it when dating, but after marriage you wanted something else? To let go of all the open/poly stuff? Go back to monogamy?

So... you struggle because you love him a lot, but deep down you know he's not gonna make the cut for marriage because you want monogamy then?

How long have you been engaged? What work have you done so far on that front? What is it that you each want from marriage? Do these things align?

Please do not rush into marriage. Long engagements are better. To me an engagement ends successfully in one of two ways.

1) The couple does the work of engagement by taking a marriage prep class online, at a house or worship, county extension office, etc. They find they ARE deeply compatible and in alignment. Then and only then do they move on to planning the wedding.

2) The couple does the work of engagement by taking a marriage prep class online, at a house or worship, county extension office, etc. They find they ARE NOT deeply compatible. They end the engagement and do NOT move on to wedding planning. Instead they save themselves the emotional and financial costs of a wedding, poor marriage, and divorce.

There are some things one does NOT compromise on. Like if one always wanted 2 kids and the other wanted 0. You do not "compromise" and have just 1 kid. That's miserable for the parents and for the kid. Whether or not to have children is a big deal.

Open/poly vs monogamy after marriage -- that's a big deal too. So are other things.

So take your engagement time seriously. ENGAGE and have the important deep compatibility conversations you need to be having.

Galagirl
He was the one that wants to message me before any act. I actually havent yet even said no. Ive always just thought it was a preference/ respect thing that he made into a rule. You asked a lot of really good questions i dont have answers to. It was very helpful. Thank you!
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Glad it helped some. I hope you sit with it and think some things out.

He was the one that wants to message me before any act.

He wants to tell? But do you even want to hear this info right then? Or do you even want to be in charge of his body this way or do you prefer he make his own choices for where his body goes?

Ive always just thought it was a preference/ respect thing that he made into a rule.

Why is he the one who "makes things into rules?" He's like the boss in this relationship?

Is that a dynamic you both want?

You two don't come to agreements together?

Galagirl
 
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