New to This

[Sokar219]

So general background. About a week ago my wife approached me about opening up our marriage, we've been monogamous for 13 years married, 17 years together. I have been considering an open marriage for a couple years but was happy in our relationship and didn't want to jeopardize it so left it alone. I obviously agreed as my wife had been thinking about it for a couple months we did our research set our boundaries, I think we have him right but the first rule I set is it's okay to discuss boundaries and adjusting them later if they're not working and it's also okay if the partner says no cuz I thought this was a good.
Now here is my problem. We've each gotten on some assorted dating websites. My wife has had better results finding interested parties but hasn't found one she felt like setting time with. I on the other hand have been having a great deal of difficulty. Both of us have been disclosing that we are in an open marriage with prospective Partners we are interested in. My wife has not had any guys pushed back on the idea. I on the other hand have had 30 or so women interested in the last week between various sites, but only one of them has refrained from ghosting me when I told them about the polyamory. How do I navigate disclosure of my relationship for the sake of honesty with a future partners and how do I identify people who are potentially interested?

 

[Magdlyn]

General background: about a week ago my wife approached me about opening up our marriage, We've been monogamous together for 17 years, married for 13. I had been considering an open marriage for a couple years, but was happy in our relationship and didn't want to jeopardize it, so left it alone. I obviously agreed, as my wife had been thinking about it for a couple months.

We did our research and set our boundaries. I think we have them right. The first rule I set is: it's okay to discuss boundaries and adjust them later if they're not working and it's also okay if the partner says no. I thought this was good.

Boundaries are borders you set for yourself. Agreements are negotiated ideas that both parties sign on for. You might agree to limiting phone call/texting times. You might agree to how many days of the week you set aside for dating each other and for dating others. You might set up separate bank accounts to budget and finance dates with others. You should agree to get tested for STDs and to see the results of STD testing from prospective sex partners before you have sex, and to always use condoms for penetrative intercourse with others.

As it goes on, you might agree about more things like overnights, going on trips, whether you want each other to meet their metamour, etc., etc.

Now, here is my problem. We've each gotten on some assorted dating websites. My wife has had better results finding interested parties but hasn't found one she felt like spending time with. On the other hand, I have been having a great deal of difficulty. Both of us have been disclosing that we are in an open marriage, to prospective partners. My wife has not had any guys push back on the idea. I have had 30 or so women interested in the last week between various sites, but only one of them has refrained from ghosting me when I told her about the polyamory.

So you and wife are at about the same ratio. She gets hit on a lot, but hasn't found one she is interested in. You hit on a lot of women, but only one was OK with you being poly, and perhaps will keep talking. You're actually doing "better" than your wife. But, this isn't a competition. It's just stats, based on how our culture works. Men are allowed to be aggressive/assertive. Women are expected to sit and wait to be approached. (I didn't like this idea 13 years ago when I first joined a dating site. I messaged a dozen guys. Hardly anyone responded. And those that did really weren't available for dates. On the other hand, I got many messages every day from every horny Tom, Dick and Harry, or unicorn-hunting couple out there.)

How do I navigate disclosure of my relationship for the sake of honesty with future partners? How do I identify people who are potentially interested?

This is a very common cultural issue. My recommendation is for you to at least read some of a current thread we have going here called, "What are married poly women looking for?" (The last page was taken over last night by a very wordy person who doesn't have much to say, so you could skip that lol)

In a nutshell (as it seems to me), all poly women want a long-term loving relationship. But when they put themselves out there, they get hit on by every horny Tom, Dick and Harry who wants casual sex. They reject 99.9% of these men, as said men are not offering what they want. Even the guys who say they want a real relationship are often lying just to get in our pants. We learn to look for red flags.

And you, as a man first, a married poly man second, are just getting in the long queue with all of those horny single (possibly, though probably not poly) men, and have to go through the women's screening process.

What do you have to offer women? Do you come across as part of a coupleBlob, or as an individual? Do you seem trustworthy, charming, open-minded, with intriguing interests? Do you have a well-written profile and several great photos of yourself? You should have one attractive head shot, one full-length shot of you looking well-groomed, and perhaps one pic of you doing a fun activity, perhaps something outdoors.

 

[Sokar219]

The problem I have is the one I mentioned is mostly looking for sex. Though I enjoy sex I'm mostly looking for a FWB situation. I'm looking for someone who is interested in conversations about nerd topics my wife is not interested in, going out to movies, and just enjoying each other's company. I'm open to sex but that part I am not prioritizing. Physically all I'd want is the basics like cuddling while hanging out and hand holding: my wife has issues with prolonged physical contact outside of sex so in the nonsexual physical department my needs are lacking.
I had another girl I was talking to online who I really clicked with and we were talking about things to do. For the sake of honesty I disclosed my relationship status and got ghosted.
My basic problem is that the girls that are interested in me are only looking for a bang and leave situation. My wife's issue is the dudes she gets all go weird after a bit, most have even asked if she could get me to watch them bang or other sex acts she doesn't want.
Am a right to say there will be a lot of right swipes for her that she will later left swipe. And for me they will left swipe themselves.
Additionally, one site I came across said that I should wait to disclose till I'm actually on the date. Isn't that a bit dishonest to not let the girls know ahead so they can make an informed choice to go out with me?

 

[Magdlyn]

The problem I have is the one I mentioned is mostly looking for sex. Though I enjoy sex I'm mostly looking for a FWB situation. I'm looking for someone who is interested in conversations about nerd topics my wife is not interested in, going out to movies, and just enjoying each other's company. I'm open to sex but that part I am not prioritizing. Physically all I'd want is the basics like cuddling while hanging out and hand holding: my wife has issues with prolonged physical contact outside of sex so in the nonsexual physical department my needs are lacking.

If you want all that girlfriend experience you might end up with something more like real love than just a FWB!

I had another girl I was talking to online who I really clicked with and we were talking about things to do. For the sake of honesty I disclosed my relationship status and got ghosted.

Well, it's only been a week. We live in an instant gratification society. What if it takes years to meet a cool woman (not a girl) who checks most of your boxes and vice versa? Are you willing to be patient?

My basic problem is that the girls that are interested in me are only looking for a bang and leave situation.

Then don't talk to "girls." You could try older, more experienced women who want more than a wham bam thank you ma'am, for example.

And some who aren't young "girls" just looking for sex are husband seeking because they want the full escalator-- house, kids, etc.

My wife's issue is the dudes she gets all go weird after a bit, most have even asked if she could get me to watch them bang or other sex acts she doesn't want.

Guys watch a lot of free graphic porn these days and get weird ideas about sex.

Am I right to say there will be a lot of right swipes for her that she will later left swipe? And for me they will left swipe themselves?

Of course. Again, dating is hard and it takes patience. You're not gonna get 100 women banging down your door just cuz you said hi.

Additionally, one site I came across said that I should wait to disclose till I'm actually on the date. Isn't that a bit dishonest to not let the girls know ahead so they can make an informed choice to go out with me?

Yes, it is dishonest. Many experienced polyamorists think it's best to reveal that you're married/poly/bi/pan/asexual/etc. right on your profile so you don't waste time with people who aren't looking for that.

 

[GalaGirl]

we did our research set our boundaries, I think we have him right but the first rule I set is it's okay to discuss boundaries and adjusting them later if they're not working and it's also okay if the partner says no cuz I thought this was a good.

Your "shared agreements" with your wife are just that. Shared agreements you and wife made together. Both of you agree to hold them up. You might make them around your finances so you each have separate money for dating activities, around the home so you each share use of the space well when on dates, around your body and sex health like condom agreements, and so on down the line.

Make sure you disclose any shared agreements that would affect a potential. And ask if the potential has shared agreements with any of their other partners that might affect YOU.

Some they might agree with too. Like agreements to use condoms. Most people can get behind that.

Some of your agreements with your wife? They might give a pass. Like you agreed to no overnights ever or veto power so this potential goes "Nope. Not into that."

Same thing on their side. So ASK what agreements they might already have. Some you might be ok with... some you might give a pass. YKWIM?

It is fine to be open to adjusting or renegotiating shared agreements entirely. Like you and wife thought it would go like THIS but in actual practice it goes like THAT and then the agreements need to adjust or change to be more realistic.

Maybe you want a regular "checking in" time with wife to see if agreements are still holding up as you transition to poly.

Your "personal boundaries" are agreements you make with YOURSELF. They state what you will and will not put up with. The only person who like them or has to keep them up is YOU.

Can you tell the difference between a shared agreement and a personal boundary?

Might also talk to wife about "messy people." Like "Please don't date my relatives -- esp parents and siblings. No roomie, coworkers, best friend, neighbor. In return I won't date any of your messy people. Who are they?"

Cuz there are enough people to date without going right for the ones that are gonna make it weird and messy.

My basic problem is that the girls that are interested in me are only looking for a bang and leave situation. My wife's issue is the dudes she gets all go weird after a bit, most have even asked if she could get me to watch them bang or other sex acts she doesn't want.
Am a right to say there will be a lot of right swipes for her that she will later left swipe. And for me they will left swipe themselves.

I think you could focus on your own dating and let wife deal with her dating.

Both of you are gonna have to wade through some meh. Just different kinds of meh.

It's not anything special. Even when seeking monogamy? Women have to sift through the dudes who just want to get in their pants.

And you? You have to get vetted. Because the women will wonder if you are for real or just trying to get in THEIR pants.

That's part of what dating is FOR. To figure out who is compatible and who is not.

It's not a race or competition with your wife. You aren't gonna have the same dating style, your dating experiences are gonna be with different people, it's going to unfold how it does for each of you.

But if your wife lets you read some of the crap she's getting/gonna get? It might be an eye opener. Some guys get REALLY surprised that dudes act one way around other men and then turn around and behave so gross to women. Sounds like you have already gotten some peeks.

Don't be that Dude in your own dealings. And if you notice men doing gross behaviors? Call it out. Don't be silent.
Cuz it is gross. And then these poor behaving dudes make it harder for YOU dating. Because then women have to give YOU the side eye now to see if you are one of THOSE gross dudes too or what.

Additionally, one site I came across said that I should wait to disclose till I'm actually on the date. Isn't that a bit dishonest to not let the girls know ahead so they can make an informed choice to go out with me?

Yup. Dishonest. And kinda stupid to me.

Better to disclose you are married and practicing polyamory before the first date. Why waste your time or theirs?

Again... That's part of what dating is FOR. To figure out who is compatible and who is not. So why not just get on with it? If you are doing online dating and texting? How about you disclose before first date to "pre-weed" some of the incompatible ones out early?

See if you even want to get up and put your shoes on for IRL date with a potential?

Get to save yourself the gas and drive to the first date location if it's a non-starter?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Sokar219,

I suppose it might help if you tried a specifically poly-friendly dating site. I know of a few and can list them if you're interested, let me know.

In the meantime, the dating sites you are currently trying, do they have a way for you to specify open/poly in your profile? If you could do that, you wouldn't have to introduce it in a conversation.

Another approach would be to hold off on confessing to your nonmonogamy until you were sure there was a spark between you and the other person. Maybe after the first five messages?

I'm not sure there's a way to say, "I'm ethically nonmonogamous," without scaring people away. Monogamy is just too deeply ingrained in our culture.

Like Magdlyn said, it could take a long time for you to find someone who actually clicks. So be patient, and gird yourself up for the long game.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[RosesAreRainbow]

I was going to suggest looking for an ethical poly meet up group in your area. Everyone there would already know about the poly bit. Then you can proceed with meeting people. My poly group has different events that appeal to different interests. I'm sure you could go to a nerdy event and at the least, make new friends. Maybe something more. Same with your wife.