we did our research set our boundaries, I think we have him right but the first rule I set is it's okay to discuss boundaries and adjusting them later if they're not working and it's also okay if the partner says no cuz I thought this was a good.
Your "shared agreements" with your wife are just that. Shared agreements you and wife made together. Both of you agree to hold them up. You might make them around your finances so you each have separate money for dating activities, around the home so you each share use of the space well when on dates, around your body and sex health like condom agreements, and so on down the line.
Make sure you disclose any shared agreements that would affect a potential. And ask if the potential has shared agreements with any of their other partners that might affect YOU.
Some they might agree with too. Like agreements to use condoms. Most people can get behind that.
Some of your agreements with your wife? They might give a pass. Like you agreed to no overnights ever or veto power so this potential goes "Nope. Not into that."
Same thing on their side. So ASK what agreements they might already have. Some you might be ok with... some you might give a pass. YKWIM?
It is fine to be open to adjusting or renegotiating shared agreements entirely. Like you and wife thought it would go like THIS but in actual practice it goes like THAT and then the agreements need to adjust or change to be more realistic.
Maybe you want a regular "checking in" time with wife to see if agreements are still holding up as you transition to poly.
Your "personal boundaries" are agreements you make with YOURSELF. They state what you will and will not put up with. The only person who like them or has to keep them up is YOU.
Can you tell the difference between a shared agreement and a personal boundary?
Might also talk to wife about "messy people." Like "Please don't date my relatives -- esp parents and siblings. No roomie, coworkers, best friend, neighbor. In return I won't date any of your messy people. Who are they?"
Cuz there are enough people to date without going right for the ones that are gonna make it weird and messy.
My basic problem is that the girls that are interested in me are only looking for a bang and leave situation. My wife's issue is the dudes she gets all go weird after a bit, most have even asked if she could get me to watch them bang or other sex acts she doesn't want.
Am a right to say there will be a lot of right swipes for her that she will later left swipe. And for me they will left swipe themselves.
I think you could focus on your own dating and let wife deal with her dating.
Both of you are gonna have to wade through some meh. Just different kinds of meh.
It's not anything special. Even when seeking monogamy? Women have to sift through the dudes who just want to get in their pants.
And you? You have to get vetted. Because the women will wonder if you are for real or just trying to get in THEIR pants.
That's part of what dating is FOR. To figure out who is compatible and who is not.
It's not a race or competition with your wife. You aren't gonna have the same dating style, your dating experiences are gonna be with different people, it's going to unfold how it does for each of you.
But if your wife lets you read some of the crap she's getting/gonna get? It might be an eye opener. Some guys get REALLY surprised that dudes act one way around other men and then turn around and behave so gross to women. Sounds like you have already gotten some peeks.
Don't be
that Dude in your own dealings. And if you notice men doing gross behaviors? Call it out. Don't be silent.
Cuz it is gross. And then these poor behaving dudes make it harder for YOU dating. Because then women have to give YOU the side eye now to see if you are one of THOSE gross dudes too or what.
Additionally, one site I came across said that I should wait to disclose till I'm actually on the date. Isn't that a bit dishonest to not let the girls know ahead so they can make an informed choice to go out with me?
Yup. Dishonest. And kinda stupid to me.
Better to disclose you are married and practicing polyamory before the first date. Why waste your time or theirs?
Again... That's part of what dating is FOR. To figure out who is compatible and who is not. So why not just get on with it? If you are doing online dating and texting? How about you disclose before first date to "pre-weed" some of the incompatible ones out early?
See if you even want to get up and put your shoes on for IRL date with a potential?
Get to save yourself the gas and drive to the first date location if it's a non-starter?
Galagirl