New Triad help.

D

Dissian

New member
First off, thank you for taking the time to read this.

My wife (26F) and I (37M) have been together for six years now, married for a bit over one year. We decided to open up the relationship and practice ENM. This wasn't in a bid to save our relationship or anything. Apart from the usual bumps in the road, we've had a very healthy one.

We went on a few dates, and she had a fun hookup, but we always felt something was missing, and it was each other. So, we decided to try a triad. The person we started dating (32TM) was initially just interested in her, but became interested in me as we spent more time together. Things went well for about a month, but my feelings towards him and his towards me never really blossomed like theirs did. After talking about it, he and I decided not to pursue a relationship. But both he and my wife want to keep seeing each other.

I've read similar posts on here about becoming a V and learned a lot from those. My problem is, I'm split. I'm really only interested in an exclusive triad, where we are all equally together. I've said something along the lines of, "I fundamentally believe it's not fair for me to feel like this, but I don't want you dating each other." She understands. I think she's waiting for me to tell her it's okay to date him, with me or without me. But it's not my place to tell her what to do. I know my feeling isn't fair, but it is a valid feeling.

I don't know how to reconcile the conflict between my mind and my feelings. Is my feeling as toxic as I think it is? Or is it less toxic because my desire is for an exclusive and equal triad? I'm looking for examples or advice from anyone in the poly community. If I'm being an asshole, feel free to tell me. Thank you for any help you can provide!
 
It's toxic because you're now trying to veto something that's already established because you aren't involved with that same person.

I know that there are closed triads out there, and certainly more common with younger people than with older polyamorists, but that's probably because those of us who have been doing this a while know that triads are hard, especially when they are so often T shaped rather than ∆ shaped, whether or not that is the intention.
 
Hello Dissian,

Sorry you are going through this. You are fervently wanting an exclusive and equal triad, but to get that, you would have to make your wife stop dating this other guy. So you have a real dilemma. It seems to me that the ethical thing to do, would be to give your consent for her to keep dating him, and to surrender your dreams for a closed/equal triad. The only way to avoid this conclusion would be to divorce her, and look for a new partner who wants a triad as much as you do. I don't think you would consider that to be an acceptable course of action, which is why I say your dream of a triad probably won't come true. The only remaining option would be to tell your wife to stop dating him, and then hope a more ideal triad comes about later on. But with that solution, I worry that she would come to resent you, and you yourself would feel that you had done the wrong thing. So you see, there isn't really any good way out of this dilemma.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
The problem is, we all come from a monogamous culture. So we tend to think of the married or long-term couple as the norm, and any other partners as sort of add-ons, toys, a little something extra on the side.

Most newly-poly couples are very enmeshed. Our culture supports that enmeshment. The best way to be truly happy in polyamory is to let go of your dream of a closed triad where everyone loves and lusts for each other equally. And you need to disentangle a bit with your wife. The chances of a triad happening long term (for more than a few dates to 2 years) is slim to none. More likely none.

In swinging, an older form of ENM, the expectation is for sex only, friendships at most, where no one is "allowed" to fall in love with their sex partners. Guidelines are put in place, consciously or unconsciously, and behavior encouraged, to keep the original couples primary and to have any other sex partners be casual. But in reality, some swingers do fall in love with their frequent sex partners and either divorce, or decide to try polyamory. (Some of them come here for advice.)

In your case, it's great you feel friendship for your metamour, and I'm glad you came here for help with your envy/jealousy/fear of loss, etc.

If you only tried to get into a triad because you "felt something was missing and it was each other," know that you and your wife need to keep dating each other, one-on-one, and not let the new and shiny person get all of her time (or your time, if/when you find your own partner). Your newer partners might not measure up to what you love about your wife, or, then again, they might be so appealing it might make you lose sight of your established partner/relationship. These are some of the things to navigate as you learn to do poly right.

Please check into the book Opening Up: it's full of valuable information about open relationships and how to avoid pain.
 
Thank you all for the wonderful advice. I'm gonna get that book Opening Up. I also now understand that an exclusive triad isn't really something to strive for. Y'all have been incredibly helpful and kind.

I do want them to continue dating. And I'll keep being open about my feelings and emotions toward it. They have been supportive of me and haven't judged me for what I'm feeling but have helped me work through it. I'm still not there 100% but I'm working on it with their help and y'alls. Thank you again!
 
Glad we could be of help.
 
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