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Modragmas

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Hi,

Advice, please. I met a girl who is poly. We've been dating on/off for six months. She was always open about her polyamory, from the beginning. However, she is now bringing in a new partner. I didn’t mind the idea. But she is doing things with her new partner she will not with me and I’m finding that hard.

She explains she has different dynamics for different partners. I’m an anchor, so she trusts me with her life, but is not comfortable with me sleeping in her bed or being too snuggly with her. But she can do this with her new partner. However, she will never trust the new partner to protect her, or to engage in BDSM with her.

I’m finding it hard having someone else getting parts of my partner I don’t, but I want to respect her polyamory. Help!
 
Sounds like you two are not deeply compatible then. There was initial attraction, enough to date for the first 6 months. But there isn't deep compatibility.

  • You want things she is not comfortable sharing with you.
  • What she wants for "anchor" is not what you want for an "anchor."
    • She wants you to be her BDSM partner and "protector."
    • You want more than just that. You would like a partner who will be snuggly and share a bed.
  • You also know too much about her other relationships. It sounds like she's oversharing.
  • This on/off dating thing is wearing thin for you.

Is all that true? Or parts of it true?

It's okay to break up because you two are not deeply compatible. It's okay to quit doing the on/off thing and just not date any more.

That's not disrespecting her polyamory. She can still be poly. So can you. You are just not compatible for being poly together.

Sometimes people align and sometimes they don't. That's just life.

Galagirl
 
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I'm going to disagree with Galagirl.

You've only been dating six months, and on-and-off, to boot. You two barely know each other. Relationships usually deepen and grow as time goes on, if you ARE compatible. It's key to have open and thorough communication in adult relationships. It's especially important to develop these skills in poly relationships, because with more moving parts, you can't just drift on social norms and expectations.

I agree there will definitely be different dynamics in each dyad. I find it surprising she doesn't want to cuddle or actually sleep together with her protector. My male partner has a daddy-like protective personality, for example, and cuddling as we sleep is a bit part of him "keeping me safe," as he likes to do it.

Why does she want to keep you at arm's length, while expecting you to protect her and Dom her? What is the fear or barrier there?
 
Up to you, OP.

Why does she want to keep you at arm's length, while expecting you to protect her and Dom her? What is the fear or barrier there?
Click to expand...
That's exactly why I would bow out. On and off for 6 months seems lukewarm, at best. Usually during NRE people are really into each other.

Wanting "protection" and "trusting me with her life," yet holding me at arm's length, would feel too much like running hot and cold, a little too dramatic up and down for me, maybe just keeping me around for a "back-up plan" and/or bread crumbing.

I'm not into all that. I'd rather be with people who are excited to be with me, not saying one thing and then acting another way.

You already don't like it here and find being here hard. You have to figure out if this is enough return on your investment so far, enough to where you want to keep going and keep investing, or if you want to bow out because it's too little and not worth it. Only you can answer that for yourself.

Galagirl
 
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Hello Modragmas,

It's one thing to respect her polyamory, it's another thing to let her throw you bread crumbs and be satisfied with that. I take it you want to be closer to her (snuggling, sleeping in her bed) than she is willing for you to be (even when she lets her new partner do those things). This relationship may not be healthy for you, unless she changes her mind and lets you get closer. How long are you willing to wait for her to change her mind? This is the question you must ask yourself.

I hope you can work things out,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for everyone’s response. I’m very grateful. To answer why she is keeping me at arm’s length, I suspect our age gap to be the reason, something I thought we had sorted before, but is obviously still worrying her. I think we are compatible, but she is very hot and cold, and I find it hard to navigate. However, these are normal (no such thing) relationship issues. I’m very on board with her polyamory. I believe it works perfectly for us, considering I have commitments and so at times cannot see her. However, I find it so hard not getting her full emotional self and tbh, less effort back than I give. I can accept sex with others. I’m no saint, tbh, a sl*t in the past. But sharing her loving moments closeness I find so hard. Also, I knew this was coming. I’m the old relationship. This guy's new. I thought she would talk more about it to me than just HE is coming over. I don't know how I feel. To me, sex and love are very different, but I do love this girl, so...
 
Not being mean, ok? This might be hard to hear. You sound more into her than she is into you.

If you wanted to be involved in polyamory... would you rather poly date people who are actually into you? Polyamory doesn't mean accepting "meh."

Gently... I'm going to invite you to read all that how your post comes across to me in a bullet list.

I invite you to reflect. Which parts resonate? Which parts do not?

Because I love her and I want to be partnered, I am willing to put up with...
  • Her keeping me at arms length.
  • Her lying about the age gap. She says it's fine but I know it bugs her. (What kind of age gap?)
  • Her being very hot and cold to me.
  • Her not willing to share her full emotional self with me.
  • Her not sharing loving moments with me.
  • Her inviting her other partner over without giving me notice/short notice. (Why would you have to know or care when she has people over at her place? Do you live together?)

In this relationship...
  • I expect me to do most of the giving and she gets most of the receiving.
  • I expect me to just accept what she offers rather than expecting me ask for what I actually want.
    • Right now I get occasional sex.
    • (Maybe unspoken -- I was a slut in the past and outgrew it. So kinda hoping she also outgrows this.)
In this relationship...
  • I expect her to ... ????
  • I do not expect her to treat all her partners/relationships well.
    • I expect to be treated poorly because I'm the "old" relationship since she's dated me on/off for 6 mos.
    • I expect her to treat her new relationship(s) better than how she treats me.
Over time if things do not change, I expect my love for her to...
  • Increase.
  • Stay the same.
  • Become less.

Over time if things do not change, I expect my self esteem/love for myself/my well being to...
  • Increase.
  • Stay the same.
  • Become less.
idk how I feel, to me sex and love are very different but I do love this girl so ….
Click to expand...

To me you seem to know exactly how you feel. You don't like being here like this and don't really like a lot of things. But you love this girl, so you choose to put up with things you don't like and the incompatibilities.

You seem to believe love is supposed to make it all happen. Like "love conquers all things." Maybe you also believe that "love is sacrifice" so if you sacrifice lots perhaps over time she will come to love you like you love her. Could any of that be true?

It's been going on long enough that things are starting to pinch though. So you are experiencing some inner conflict about both this relationship AND inner conflict about this belief. You may in fact, be learning that love alone is NOT enough and it does NOT conquer all things. Could any of that be true?

In a relationship you have to be able to say "I love you a whole lot. But NO. Not even for you will I do stuff I don't really want or stay in stuff that hurts me. That's asking too much. I have to think about my own well being."

In a relationship you have to be able to say "I've let this ride long enough. This is not working out. I have to bow out."

Are you able to do those things? Do you have a time frame in mind for how long you want to let this ride?

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417 said:
Hello Modragmas,

It's one thing to respect her polyamory, it's another thing to let her throw you bread crumbs and be satisfied with that. I take it you want to be closer to her (snuggling, sleeping in her bed) than she is willing for you to be (even when she lets her new partner do those things). This relationship may not be healthy for you, unless she changes her mind and lets you get closer. How long are you willing to wait for her to change her mind? This is the question you must ask yourself.

I hope you can work things out,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
I do believe I haven’t painted her in the best light In this thread, the new relationship is none sexual and the online one she had!! (This was the reason for our on and off tbh) ended recently. I have been with her longer than anyone, had sex with her more than anyone, closer to her than anyone, but I'm still here waiting for her to open up emotionally lovingly to me and she will not but does with others, if I didn’t knew better I would say she was almost fearful of us idk
Thanks man
 
I have been with her longer than anyone, had sex with her more than anyone, closer to her than anyone, but I'm still here waiting for her to open up emotionally lovingly to me and she will not but does with others, if I didn’t knew better I would say she was almost fearful of us idk
Click to expand...

6 mos is the longest she's ever dated anyone? Depending on the age gap? She just might be young and inexperienced. Maybe she wants to play the field.

And perhaps you want more than she cares to give because you are at a different stage of life and want something more settled.

And because she's young and inexperienced she doesn't know how to turn you down and break up decent. So she's hoping you would get the "hint" if she grows cool/distant?

Could any of that be true?

GG
 
GalaGirl said:
Not being mean, ok? This might be hard to hear. You sound more into her than she is into you.

If you wanted to be involved in polyamory... would you rather poly date people who are actually into you? Polyamory doesn't mean accepting "meh."

Gently... I'm going to invite you to read all that how your post comes across to me in a bullet list.

I invite you to reflect. Which parts resonate? Which parts do not?

Because I love her and I want to be partnered, I am willing to put up with...
  • Her keeping me at arms length.
  • Her lying about the age gap. She says it's fine but I know it bugs her. (What kind of age gap?)
  • Her being very hot and cold to me.
  • Her not willing to share her full emotional self with me.
  • Her not sharing loving moments with me.
  • Her inviting her other partner over without giving me notice/short notice. (Why would you care when she has people over at her place? Do you live together?)

In this relationship...
  • I expect me to do most of the giving and she gets most of the receiving.
  • I expect me to just accept what she offers rather than expecting me ask for what I actually want.
    • Right now I get occasional sex.
    • (Maybe unspoken -- I was a slut in the past and outgrew it. So kinda hoping she also outgrows this.)
In this relationship...
  • I expect her to ... ????
  • I do not expect her to treat all her partners/relationships well.
    • I expect to be treated poorly because I'm the "old" relationship since she's dated me on/off for 6 mos.
    • I expect her to more into her new relationship.
Over time if things do not change, I expect my love for her to...
  • Increase.
  • Stay the same.
  • Become less.

Over time if things do not change, I expect my self esteem/love for myself/my well being to...
  • Increase.
  • Stay the same.
  • Become less.


To me you seem to know exactly how you feel. You don't like being here like this and don't really like a lot of things. But you love this girl, so you choose to put up with things you don't like and the incompatibilities.

You seem to believe love is supposed to make it all happen. Like "love conquers all things." Maybe you also believe that "love is sacrifice" so if you sacrifice lots perhaps over time she will come to love you like you love her. Could any of that be true?

It's been going on long enough that things are starting to pinch though. So you are experiencing some inner conflict about both this relationship AND inner conflict about this belief. You may in fact, be learning that love alone is NOT enough and it does NOT conquer all things.

In a relationship you have to be able to say "I love you a whole lot. But NO. Not even for you will I do stuff I don't really want or stay in stuff that hurts me. That's asking too much. I have to think about my own well being."

In a relationship you have to be able to say "I've let this ride long enough. This is not working out. I have to bow out."

Are you able to do those things? Do you have a time frame in mind for how long you want to let this ride?
Click to expand...
"Love is sacrifice," so if you sacrifice lots perhaps over time she will come to love you like you love her. 😞 thanks for the mind reading. lol
 
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GalaGirl said:
6 mos is the longest she's ever dated anyone? Depending on the age gap? She just might be young and inexperienced. Maybe she wants to play the field.

And perhaps you want more than she cares to give because you are at a different stage of life and want something more settled.

And because she's young and inexperienced she doesn't know how to turn you down and break up decent. So she's hoping you would get the "hint" if she grows cool/distant?

Could any of that be true?

GG
Click to expand...
She is 10 years younger than me but oddly more experienced or adventurous, I spent my youth married and way to young, ex-wife’s abusive religious parent’s demand it and I got to save ny childhood sweetheart from abuse but I sacrificed a lot tbh and 7 years unhappy and being a carer. Tbh galagirl I have no idea what to do but I have fallen in love which is complicated
 
Set this partner aside for a moment. Maybe you want to do some reflection.
  • Why would you agree to get married "too young" because of the bride's parents?" Don't they have their own relationship to manage?
  • Where were you parents in all this?
  • Shouldn't the decision to get married or not be decided by the two people who would actually be signing the marriage certificate as spouses?
  • Why were you "rescuing" people? Were you "white knighting?" Is any of that coming into play here?
  • How long have you been divorced? Is it final or still shaking out?
  • Is this your first dating partner since the divorce?
  • What are you actually seeking from new dating experiences right now?
  • What are you actually seeking from a dating partner right now?
Are you able to articulate it?

"Love is sacrifice," so if you sacrifice lots perhaps over time she will come to love you like you love her. 😞 thanks for the mind reading. lol
Click to expand...

Maybe you change your mind on that and decide that "loving behaviors are shared with consent" instead.

And then you share love appropriately with those that you love. They consent to receive the loving behaviors they want to receive from you -- be it kind words, a hug, a kiss, a present of cookies you baked, whatever it is.

And you do same the other way around. You consent to receive the loving behaviors you want to receive from them.

How you express love to your neighbor is going to look different than how you express love for your friend or for a dating partner. But nobody has to be "sacrificing" anything to "prove" they are lovable and worthy of being loved.

Galagirl
 
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