new wrinkle

D

dingedheart

Well-known member
My current situation has changed. My wife, who I'm separated from, who lives in another city, wants desperately to reenter my life. "Wants to dedicate the rest of her life making it up to me and the kids." She wants to meet and spend time repairing.

The wrinkle is, I'm dating a couple other women currently. On principle, that will not stop, nor be effected. I have never, in all my years, broken up with someone and then later reestablished the relationship. When it's done, I move on. never look back. So I'm in uncharted waters. This is not my idea. I'm not really all that interested in doing this. But she seems so shattered and destroyed, it seems almost cruel to summarily dismiss the proposal.

Has anyone dated an ex-spouse? What should be the new mindset?

Footnote: for the people who say that the sex with one partner is not better, but different-- liars! Same code for blind dates-- he/she has a great personality, meaning fat, plain or homely. The 45-yr old personal trainer is hands-down a sexual technician. 5 star rating in that area.
 
I think you should re-date your wife only if she promises in writing (notarized) to refund all the money you spend on her if it doesn't work out (including your time pro-rated according to what you would be spending on other women and/or earning at your job). If she won't sign that contract, fuck her and the horse she rode out on.
 
I think "dating" would be a bit much, but she is the mother of your children, so figuring out how to be friends again wouldn't be out of the question.
 
dingedheart said:
I'm not really interested in doing this. But she seems so shattered and destroyed, it seems almost cruel to summarily dismiss the proposal.
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Q: What's worse than rejecting someone because you're not interested?
A: Dating them so you don't hurt their feelings.
 
I think it`s too soon to know if you are still interested in your wife or not. It is still very fresh hurt that you are dealing with.

Maybe in another 6 months, who knows?

While you still lack respect, not good. Maybe attempt friendship when you are ready. See if you feel mutual respect growing between you both, through new interactions first. Otherwise, you'll never trust her. And she will never trust you.

If you want to keep fucking the new toys, just be honest with all about it. Don`t get cornered into any low-level commitments if you don't want them.
 
Not to be harsh, but...

This quote stopped me cold: "dedicate the rest of her life making it up to me and the kids."

I am new here and do not know your story at all, but that phrase makes me shudder. Who would say that and really mean it? And if they did, I sure wouldn't want it for them or for you. What a trainwreck of a phrase.

If you want it, I would tell her that you can be friends. Meet in neutral, public places. Go bowling. I would not enter into a romantic relationship. Anyone who says something like that needs a really good therapist.
 
affablegreen said:
This quote stopped me cold:

"dedicate the rest of her life making it up to me and the kids"

I am new here and do not know your story at all, but that phrase makes me shudder. Who would say that and really mean it? And if they did, I sure wouldn't want it for them or for you. What a train wreck of a phrase.

If you want it, I would tell her that you can be friends. Meet in neutral, public places. Go bowling. I would not enter into a romantic relationship. Anyone who says something like that needs a really good therapist.
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You might want to read his story then. His wife does have therapist(s), not sure how "good" they are, but i hear they are exPensive.
 
It sounds like she wants to come back to be loved and forgiven. It sounds like you will take her back to make her pay, dinged. Yeah, unfair. Move on, dinged, and work on just being civil. You owe it to your kids. They don't need to see their mother even more humiliated, especially at your hand.

Why aren't you just dating the personal trainer, then? Or does she have no personality?
 
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Good morning. It's morning here. Thanks for the comments.

Neon, so what you're saying is, test her commitment or resolve with this contract. Force her to put her money where her mouth is. I'm not entirely sure how the prorated thing would work. What do you think about mileage? Or is that just pushing it? The problem with contracts is enforcement. I've paid enough lawyer's bills for a while. That's the downside to your idea.

Interesting note, I did ask if she thought my financial participation for our wedding was in some way responsible for her desire to be someone's slave, and if she ever felt like property (with me). I must say these questions brought a lot of tears. She said that it was one of a handful of good memories, and now that had been put into question.

Oh, the answer? childhood molestation. Nothing to do with me. Never felt like property either. She said that I rarely made demands unless it had to do with the kid, and I was generally right, in those cases. Her view of it was a partnership among equals. She then broke down how she saw that, as well.

Another interesting note that just came to light-- her mother has been on anti-depressant medication for the past 25 yrs. I'm thinking guilty conscience. This whole nightmare has put grandma down, as well... more collateral damage.

Therapist bills were hers in the beginning, and my kids, and myself. So... yeah. It adds up quick at $100-150 per hr.

SourGirl, I think you're 100% right about interest and respect. On the drive over to the meeting, I was concerned that things may break bad, her trying to spin or rewrite history, which would/could cause a very negative reaction from me. What I found was a crushed human, who was trying to rebuild her life. It's impossible to be mad at someone in that state. It was extremely sad to see and hear. Very depressing.

As for fucking the new toys, she attacked me, so technically I'm a victim, a completely happy and satisfied victim, but a victim, nonetheless. As for the other woman, sex has not occurred yet. And it may not. It may be a boundary in which a greater commitment is necessary. I really can't do that at this time.

I stated to all that I'm dating from a prospective of a single guy, non-exclusive.

Affablegreen, trainwreck pretty much sums it up. I had the same thought. And dating maybe overstating her desire. Spending time together to repair the relationship. On the other hand, she did say numerous times she wanted her old life back, so it's hard to say.

A romantic relationship between us at this time us is virtually impossible. If she has that need, it will have to be met elsewhere.

I'll save you time reading my story. Stupid, sad trainwreck... a lot of beat-up bodies and wreckage.

Redpepper, you're right, she would like to come back. I'm unsure how you got the impression I would take her back to make her pay. That pay idea is Neon's. Not mine. My natural response was/is to walk away and move on with life. Her continual pleas, outreach, letters and phone messages have me questioning what is the compassionate coarse of action. I didn't commit to anything. I told her I'd think about it.

As for me inflicting more injury or humiliation, it looks like she has taken care of that herself. I couldn't come close to her internal dialogue. As for the kids, I didn't even tell them I met with her, to head off any discussions.

Do you mean why I'm not dating exclusively the personal trainer?
1. Not really ready for that, perhaps never will be, eggs in one basket and all. Trust issues might be hard to overcome.
2. No reason to, don't have to.
She has a very out-going personality, perhaps a bit too much, or a little coarse or unrefined.
 
..So what your saying is test her commitment or resolve with this contract. Force her to put her money where her mouth is. I'm not entirely sure how the prorated thing would work....what do you think about mileage? or is that just pushing it. The problem with contracts is enforcement ....I've paid enough lawyers bills for a while that's the downside to your idea.
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That pay idea is Neon"s.
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Actually I was being sarcastic at you, but if you do decide to go that route, make sure you save all your receipts.
 
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Some years before I met K, I was married to L briefly. When L forced me to choose between the unicorn (oddly enough, M, and I'm a J: J, K, L, M...) that she brought into the relationship (a triad) and her, I wasn't comfortable with how I felt like an accessory in her life rather than a decision-maker in my own, so I left. It took a year for my life to settle down, and she and I wrestled with the idea of getting back together. She wanted me to return to where we lived (her terms), and I wouldn’t agree unless she came to where I lived (my terms). In the end, we drifted apart, but we had no kids to worry about, like in dinged’s situation.

For dinged’s case, I wouldn’t suggest punitive charges (forcing her to pay reparations, for example), but I would suggest making your terms the required threshold for any progress forward. Simply put, her choices damaged the family. She has to work, say, and act in ways to establish trust before being considered available to return to the family. Only then would things have the potential to develop more.

Taking her back isn’t out of the question (I believe in forgiveness and redemption), but it’s not a “now” thing. There is no redemption without amending the broken ways. Even then, there is no returning to the way things were. The way they were fell apart.
 
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Your dating two women is kinda poly, no? Some people would define it as such. What's the difference? Depth, caring, connection? Just trying to understand.

It's hard not to think you will "make her pay" after reading what you have written in the past. It's hard to trust that you are genuinely empathetic now.
 
redpepper said:
Its hard not to think you will "make her pay" after reading what you have written in the past. Its hard to trust that you are genuinely empathetic now.
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I agree. I don't know where this "she's the mother of my children" thinking is coming from. Everything else you've ever written about her would indicate that you've lost all respect for her and are still hopping mad about everything. In fact, I'm not sure you have much respect for women in general, as human beings and individuals. When you first started posting here, you seemed so wrapped up in how much money you spent on her and the marriage. I doubt if you could ever see a woman as a partner, you seem to think that paying for so many things gives you privilege. As for your wife, you've already said the romance is gone, so why are you considering this? To lord it over her how magnanimous you are? She might wind up paying an even bigger price emotionally to go back with you because you are still so full of disgust and animosity toward her.
 
There was a comedian I heard once, can't remember his name, but he described restarting a relationship like this:

You go to the refrigerator to get some milk.
It's rotten.
The next day you get up and go to the refrigerator to get milk...

I'm not a fan of retrying failed relationships, but I would say if you are going to do it, then you need to want a relationship with her first. Contracts and lording over a partner is not a relationship and is bound to end in a rebellion. If you are going to enter into a relationship without having the same responsibility as your partner to make it last, it won't. Relationships only work if the people are trying.
 
nycindie said:
I agree. I don't know where this "she's the mother of my children" thinking is coming from. Everything else you've ever written about her would indicate that you've lost all respect for her and are still hopping mad about everything. In fact, I'm not sure you have much respect for women in general, as human beings and individuals. When you first started posting here, you seemed so wrapped up in how much money you spent on her and the marriage. I doubt if you could ever see a woman as a partner, you seem to think that paying for so many things gives you privilege. As for your wife, you've already said the romance is gone, so why are you considering this? To lord it over her how magnanimous you are? She might wind up paying an even bigger price emotionally to go back with you because you are still so full of disgust and animosity toward her.
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INdeed, when I read DH's first few posts ever I thought, "here is someone who is deeply hurt and has been given a raw deal in many ways, kudos to him for being strong, etc. etc." but when the shit hit the fan with the daughter finding the x-rated media starring her mother, it became clear that there were other issues coming to the surface. At one point, I suggested that DH still does love his wife in some ways and if that be the case, he should dig deep for some empathy and compassion, and help her get help, etc. but I seem to recall that was rejected outright in favor or some snide remarks about how much money was spent and does he get any of that back. Well, if that's the road you want to go down, just make sure it's done right this time.

DH, you might want to consider this kind of accounting with the other women you're seeing. You know, if things go south, you each have to pay back half what you spent on the other during the course of the relationship. It could save you a world of aggravation and a wall o' text down the road.
 
I say go for it with a solid understanding on her part that you are poly and that this is who you are.

As for the sex, I have been dancing for 7 years, mostly ballroom and swing. I will tell you, dancers are some of the best sexual partners I have ever had. Something about a woman being able to control her hips after being trained to move them that sets them apart from anyone else.

Good luck in your search and with the ex.
 
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