Newbie advice please!

Alex

New member
Hi there,

I am polyamorous but am now exploring this more and am looking for some advice.

I (F) am in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend. We live together. Recently we started opening up our relationship with his best friend (M). We agreed on rules that we stuck to.

Me and the best friend went into a different room and were intimate as part of a game and also to start exploring the intimate side of the relationship, while my boyfriend went for a walk.

Boyfriend came back early and heard us at it and is now unhappy. He regrets allowing it to happen but is fine that it did.

He has said it was only an experiment and not a relationship which I thought it was (we were all getting closer in the weeks leading up to this and went on holiday together).

He doesn't want anything else to happen again. He keeps changing his mind as to whether it is never again, or just not in the neat future. He also seems to expect me to want to "be polyam" when he wants a threesome but otherwise not.

I have fallen in love with both my boyfriend and his best friend, and am now struggling with what to do/how to deal with the possibility of not being able to continue the MFM V relationship that I thought was going on.

For context, the best friend has said he doesn't mind either way, but has changed slightly since the intimacy and is often showing more care than my boyfriend. He doesn't know how I feel at this point, but my boyfriend does, and I have been asked not to tell him.

My boyfriend often makes the decisions about what is happening with little input from me (other than to tell him that I wanted it to happen), and no input from the best friend.

Boyfriend currently does not want to talk about it to work out what to do.

Any advice would be appreciated!
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

It does not sound like you and BF use the same definition of "polyamory."

To me? Polyamory means "many loves." So one would share love, romance, and sex with more than one partner. Like having more than 1 GF or BF. You sound like that.

To me "open" is being open to other casual sex encounters for fun. Maybe like a one time thing, or a regular sex partner or FWB, but not really looking at it being more than just recreational sex. BF sounds like this at best, but maybe realizing that playing sex games with his best friend got too weird for him.

Some people have a "messy list" like "don't date my boss, my parents, my siblings, my roomie, my best friend, etc." They agree not to date your messy people and you don't date theirs.

Because usually people want to talk to their best friends about their problems. That's who they turn to for support.

And if the the best friend IS the other dating partner... that's going to make things messy.

My boyfriend often makes the decisions about what is happening with little input from me (other than to tell him that I wanted it to happen), and no input from the best friend.

You don't seem to agree on how to practice open or poly together either.

Do you want your BF being like the boss of the group? Or do you want something else?

Boyfriend currently does not want to talk about it to work out what to do.

So don't talk right now. Instead take a time out to get your own thoughts in order.

I have fallen in love with both my boyfriend and his best friend, and am now struggling with what to do/how to deal with the possibility of not being able to continue the MFM V relationship that I thought was going on.

For an MFM V to happen, it has to be a "three people yes."

You don't have that right now.
  • Right now you have you saying yes.
  • The best friend saying he doesn't mind continuing or just letting it go
  • The BF saying to let it go.
So... that's 2 out of 3 for letting go.

So you might consider letting it all go. So it doesn't get weirder.

And if you DO pursue either open or poly with your current BF again in the future? You do some more preparation and talking before just jumping right in. And pick a dating potential that is NOT on the "messy people" list.

These might help.



If the experience means you discovered that the friend treats you better than your actual BF even though he's known you for less time? That doesn't mean you have to date the friend. Just means it was an eye opener experience.

If the experience makes you realize you set your personal standard for what you see in a boyfriend too low? You might raise the bar for what you want in a partner. If BF doesn't make the cut any more against your new personal standards? He just doesn't.

I encourage you not to rush talking. Give it a few days for cooler heads to prevail and in that time? Do your soul searching. So when you do have a conversation, it can go as best as it can.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hello Alex,

It sounds like your boyfriend said yes (gave his consent) to polyamory, then when you started practicing polyamory, your boyfriend decided he wanted you to pull the plug. Even if it would hurt his best friend, although I guess his best friend is saying he would be okay with things either way. It does sound like pulling the plug would hurt you though.

I am assuming that you want to stay with your boyfriend no matter what. If this is the case, then you have to act in accordance with your boyfriend's consent. If he consents to your relationship with his best friend, then you can continue in that relationship. If he withdraws his consent (and that is what he has done), then you have to pull the plug.

Of course, your boyfriend is also going back and forth on what he consents to, and under what conditions. So maybe that's a reason why you can ignore whether he consents. But basically, I believe that trying to perpetuate an MFM V under these circumstances, is asking for trouble. I think you are going to have to choose: your boyfriend, or his best friend.

I hope, of course, that I'm wrong.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for your responses, and the links.

Just to clarify, it was my boyfriend's idea to start with his best friend. I guess I naively thought that it would be better for them to be friends as they would get along.

We will have to wait to talk a bit more, but one of the things that my boyfriend said recently is that he doesn't think our relationship is special if I see other people. Hopefully once everything has calmed down a bit and we talk properly we may be able to work something out.
 
Just to clarify, it was my boyfriend's idea to start with his best friend. I guess I naively thought that it would be better for them to be friends as they would get along.

Sex changes things. And what one thinks is cool in fantasy in their head? Can be very different in real life. You all might be bumping into that reality now.

We will have to wait to talk a bit more, but one of the things that my boyfriend said recently is that he doesn't think our relationship is special if I see other people.

If BF values emotional exclusivity and not necessarily physical exclusivity...

How's that work for him if you are seeing other people and sharing sex? Because if you see them regularly, guess what happens? People usually start developing feelings. Then its no longer emotionally exclusive. Then what?

It might be a turn on for BF for you to play sex games with a series of casual hook ups that you don't see again... but is that what you want?

If it is, adjust your expectations and agreements.

If it isn't? Say no.

Galagirl
 
I'm sorry you and the best friend agreed to "play a game" that involved sex, and also, for you, involved love, and now bf is deciding that's no bueno!

That sounds like it would really hurt. I've learned not to play games with sex, because it always stirs my emotions, and having the wrong people in the game can fuck me up bad.
 
We all wanted to do it but the game was a way of making it a bit easier to bring into conversation.

It really does bring your emotions in, but unfortunately this seems to be something BF doesn't understand.

We had a conversation today where he focused only on what he wants, which is for it to never happen again (latest decision which he says will be the final decision).

He thinks I should just be able to get over the emotions.

I'm not sure how the best friend feels at the moment. He seems to want it to happen again when he's with me, but won't say anything when bf is around because he doesn't want it to be awkward.

They both seem to have decided that to talk about it, they're going to talk to me and I have to liaise between the two.

I feel like an emotional wreck atm and tbh I have no idea how to get over it.
 
How do you feel about the way your boyfriend is treating you?
 
How do you feel about the way your boyfriend is treating you?
To be honest, a bit upset. I get he has now realised he doesn't like it, but to expect me to change immediately is just unfeasible.

He thinks I'm being selfish; I think he is a little bit too. As much as he thinks he is being understanding, he is not and I'm struggling to explain it to him.

All I want atm is a proper conversation for everyone to say what they want and how they feel, but it is not being considered by bf.

For now, I'm going to wait for him to process what has been said and maybe he'll be a little more understanding then.
 
Yes, I hope he'll be more understanding.

Keep us posted.
 
Let me repeat that back.

Your boyfriend suggested sex games with his best friend that you went along with.

Now that it didn't turn out like BF was hoping for? BF wants you stop and never share sex with his friend again.

And any emotions this experience brought up, you should just get over it. And if you don't insta-get-over-it? That is inconvenient to BF, and you are just being selfish bothering him about it.

Is that what you mean? He's being mean to you?

As much as he thinks he is being understanding, he is not and I'm struggling to explain it to him.

Or he doesn't have the capacity or skils or emotional articulation for this. And however it is he is saying "No. Stop talking to me about this. I am full..." You just keep on talking? So you are being mean to him by not respecting his limit or his need for a time out?

Is that what you mean? You end up being mean to him?

Or both are being mean to each other?

All I want atm is a proper conversation for everyone to say what they want and how they feel, but it is not being considered by bf.

I thought you already had the conversation?

To BF: I would like to continue in a V if you are up for it.​
BF: Sex games is one thing, you seeing other people and sharing emotions and having a "real realtionship" with them is another. I don't want to do that.​
To Friend: This experience was not a one off for me. I would like to continue in a V if you are up for it.​
Friend: I can take it or leave it. It was fun, but I don't want to mess up my friendship with BF.​

Maybe not in so many words, but that's the vibe I'm getting. Is it true? Is that what is happening here?

If so? It kinda sounds like you are struggling because you don't like what you hear from each of them because you were hoping it would lead to MFM polyship.

I'm not trying to be mean here. I'm trying to understand where you are at.

I could be wrong but it sounds like you have a jumble of different feelings. The headliner feeling being "disappointment" that this isn't going how you hoped it would. And then some "extra" bonus ones like...
  • Maybe "regret" that you went along with it and opened Pandora's box.
  • Maybe "surprise" to see how BF is reacting -- like you are just supposed to turn feelings on/off on a dime.
  • Maybe "surprise" that the friend treats you nicer than your BF
  • Maybe "surprise" that friend is take it or leave it not wanting to be awkward or rock the boat.
  • Maybe "surprise" that you find you are in love with both BF and friend now now and don't know how to process those feelings or let some of them go.
They both seem to have decided that to talk about it, they're going to talk to me and I have to liaise between the two.

Just cuz people want to you do that work / emotional labor without actually asking you if you are willing to do it? You don't have to do it on "automatic."


I feel like an emotional wreck atm and tbh I have no idea how to get over it.

How about some REST to start?

You just posted about this Wednesday. It hasn't even been a week yet. How about just not talking about it with them for longer than that? Don't mention it to either of them for at least a week. Because if you keep talking every day about it? You don't get a break from it. Neither do the. Nobody get a time out to rest or regain composure.

You don't let the adrenalin response of the body chill. You just pile on more stimulus.

I also think if this is not a joyful yes from all parties here? You could work on accepting that it's gonna be NO -- there will be no future MFM thing here.

And maybe start making your peace with that.

Maybe resolve not to do sex games again because they lead to you having feelings that you don't like having if you cannot pursue.

Maybe you could reflect on whether or not this is still the BF for you. Because if this was a game changing experience that makes you realize you rather to do poly dating, and he's not into that? Then you aren't compatible any more.

I encourage you to take the time out, rest, think, and do your soul searching.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
He thinks I should just be able to get over the emotions.
Clearly, your BF doesn't understand how people work. My guess is that polyamory is only one of many areas in which your BF finds it difficult to be close, communicative and vulnerable.
 
Let me repeat that back.

Your boyfriend suggested sex games with his best friend that you went along with.

Now that it didn't turn out like BF was hoping for? BF wants you stop and never share sex with his friend again.

And any emotions this experience brought up, you should just get over it. And if you don't insta-get-over-it? That is inconvenient to BF, and you are just being selfish bothering him about it.

Is that what you mean? He's being mean to you?



Or he doesn't have the capacity or skils or emotional articulation for this. And however it is he is saying "No. Stop talking to me about this. I am full..." You just keep on talking? So you are being mean to him by not respecting his limit or his need for a time out?

Is that what you mean? You end up being mean to him?

Or both are being mean to each other?



I thought you already had the conversation?

To BF: I would like to continue in a V if you are up for it.​
BF: Sex games is one thing, you seeing other people and sharing emotions and having a "real realtionship" with them is another. I don't want to do that.​
To Friend: This experience was not a one off for me. I would like to continue in a V if you are up for it.​
Friend: I can take it or leave it. It was fun, but I don't want to mess up my friendship with BF.​

Maybe not in so many words, but that's the vibe I'm getting. Is it true? Is that what is happening here?

If so? It kinda sounds like you are struggling because you don't like what you hear from each of them because you were hoping it would lead to MFM polyship.

I'm not trying to be mean here. I'm trying to understand where you are at.

I could be wrong but it sounds like you have a jumble of different feelings. The headliner feeling being "disappointment" that this isn't going how you hoped it would. And then some "extra" bonus ones like...
  • Maybe "regret" that you went along with it and opened Pandora's box.
  • Maybe "surprise" to see how BF is reacting -- like you are just supposed to turn feelings on/off on a dime.
  • Maybe "surprise" that the friend treats you nicer than your BF
  • Maybe "surprise" that friend is take it or leave it not wanting to be awkward or rock the boat.
  • Maybe "surprise" that you find you are in love with both BF and friend now now and don't know how to process those feelings or let some of them go.


Just cuz people want to you do that work / emotional labor without actually asking you if you are willing to do it? You don't have to do it on "automatic."




How about some REST to start?

You just posted about this Wednesday. It hasn't even been a week yet. How about just not talking about it with them for longer than that? Don't mention it to either of them for at least a week. Because if you keep talking every day about it? You don't get a break from it. Neither do the. Nobody get a time out to rest or regain composure.

You don't let the adrenalin response of the body chill. You just pile on more stimulus.

I also think if this is not a joyful yes from all parties here? You could work on accepting that it's gonna be NO -- there will be no future MFM thing here.

And maybe start making your peace with that.

Maybe resolve not to do sex games again because they lead to you having feelings that you don't like having if you cannot pursue.

Maybe you could reflect on whether or not this is still the BF for you. Because if this was a game changing experience that makes you realize you rather to do poly dating, and he's not into that? Then you aren't compatible any more.

I encourage you to take the time out, rest, think, and do your soul searching.

Galagirl
Hi Galagirl,

Thank you for your response.

The message was posted much later than the actual event. We were just sort of ignoring it for about a month, then the topic came up and is something that hasn't really gone away since.

Yes, basically we are expected to just forget and bury all of our feelings because BF doesn't like it. To make it clear, best friend has now also said he is really struggling with working out how to deal with the feelings he has got too (turns out he wasn't as 'okay' to stop as he was letting on). He is not telling me not to talk to him about the feelings, more just he thinks they shouldn't be there.

We had had a short conversation, just me and BF, but best friend hasn't had a chance to air his feelings. It is now at the point where I have to speak to best friend separately because he knows BF doesn't want to know about his feelings.

It's more like best friend and I want to continue to see each other. He is happy with me also seeing boyfriend, but boyfriend is not happy with me seeing best friend. He wants it to go back to where he and his best friend played games together and I wasn't really involved unless it was a group thing, where more people were invited, but neither best friend nor I can do that.

I think you are right with the disappointment and surprise elements. I don't regret it as such, but I feel bad that we opened the door to this friend and now my boyfriend has slammed it right back in his face again. Also, the friend has low self-esteem and has body issues so it was a big step for him to be comfortable enough to do this. I feel like this has hit his confidence even more because his friend has closed the door to him.

The issue I'm having is that I honestly love them both, but actually feel a stronger affiliation to the best friend, but I don't want to wreck their relationship so I'm staying where I am to avoid that.

There have been other issues where the best friend is not happy with the way the boyfriend is treating me and is helping me through those issues.

The best friend has said he will be there for both of us if we were to choose to break up. However, if one of us was to demand he stopped seeing the other, then he would sever the tie with the one that made the demand, which the boyfriend has already said he would do.

I have really been thinking about the compatibility issue, but I don't want to break up for that because he would blame the best friend for it, and I don't want him to be used as a scapegoat.
 
Clearly, your BF doesn't understand how people work. My guess is that polyamory is only one of many areas in which your BF finds it difficult to be close, communicative and vulnerable.

Hi Karen,

Yes you are right. He doesn't do well with communication or anything. It's something we've been working on our whole relationship but it seems to have gotten worse due to this issue.

I did talk to him about being poly and everything before we did anything but he doesn't seem to have retained any of it. Instead, he has decided that I didn't tell him anything about it.
 
Re (from Alex):
"I have really been thinking about the compatibility issue, but I don't want to break up for that because he would blame the best friend for it, and I don't want him to be used as a scapegoat."

Your boyfriend's got you right where he wants you, hasn't he? right between a rock and a hard place.
 
I have really been thinking about the compatibility issue, but I don't want to break up for that because he would blame the best friend for it, and I don't want him to

So you're not going to move on from this incompatible boyfriend because you think if you break up with him he'll act out at people?

"Acting out prevention" is a realistic reason to for you to stay with somebody you are not compatible with?

Breaking up is a reasonable risk of dating. Not every person you date will be a long haul runner. Love alone is not enough for deep compatibility.

If this boyfriend is determined to blame you for everything from the threesome even though all three of you are consenting adults? There has been communication problems all along? He claims to forget? Or rewrites history? He treats you poorly? Where exactly do get to the deal-breaker part? Like how bad does it have to be? Do your soul searching on your deal breakers.

I think you could set aside anything threesome and anything poly. Just focus on whether or not you get along with this boyfriend.

If there just not enough here? Sad as break ups are? There is just not enough here.

You could end it with him. Just like any other regular breakup that happens because compatibility not there.

Then take a time out. 30 days no contact with either one of them. At least. Maybe more.

Then whether or not you get together with the friend later? Leave that for later.

Deal with one thing at a time.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I mean, I am new here but why would you stay with a the lesser love option to keep a friendship intact? This friendship will probably fall apart anyway because your BF is never going to get his wish. It's never going back to normal. Things will never be just like the past. Hopefully your boyfriend learned a valuable lesion about lending his gf out for sex. That's a dumb thing to do if its not something he already known for certain that he wanted.

Also I don't understand, what is a sex game?
 
Yes, basically we are expected to just forget and bury all of our feelings because BF doesn't like it. To make it clear, best friend has now also said he is really struggling with working out how to deal with the feelings he has got too (turns out he wasn't as 'okay' to stop as he was letting on). He is not telling me not to talk to him about the feelings, more just he thinks they shouldn't be there.

Is this a dom/sub power exchange kind of setup? If not, I want to point out that your posts are primarily centered on what these two people want of you.

I suggest you step back from this situation, what they want, what has happened in the past, and most importantly what these other two people want. I instead encourage you to take a deep breath and seriously consider what it is that you want.

I don't mean what do you want from one or both of these men in particular, but what do you as a person want out of an association? What are your boundaries that are hard stops? What would a "healthy relationship" look like to you?

Currently you seem stuck in this position of getting shuffled around by the will of other people, and that has an extremely low chance of encouraging a healthy flourishing relationship. If you don't know what you need to flourish, or if you aren't willing to take reasonable steps to promote that scenario, then what really are the odds you'll get there?

Learn to take responsibility for your life, and stop letting others dictate it for you.
 
Hiya , sounds like you're in a real rough spot. I'm curious , what you've got to ask yourself is what do you want out of this pickle you're in. Also when you say the best friend isn't happy with the way the boyfriend is treating me , how is your boyfriend actually treating you? Also I'm curious what's happened more recently , has it gotten better at all?
 
Back
Top