Newbie here, and what is a girl to do?

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vicky77

New member
Last year, I dropped the, "I am bi-sexual bomb" to my hubby. We had been married for 10 years at the time. Like most men, he was excited about my news. He allowed some freedom to search and express the animal that has been tamed for those 10 years. I had been bi-sexual all my life, and I had always been in relationships which allowed me to do so and/or shared my girlfriend equally with my boyfriends; I had experienced being the shared gf too.

I started to frequent local gay/lesbian bars and posted ads on dating sites. My husband was excited for me. When he realized I was searching for more stud like females, he was not too thrilled; in fact, he became somewhat jealous. I met one person I liked; however, I never told her I had children (I was only getting my feet wet and not looking for anything serious, and that she knew). That one did not work out. I obviously was carelessly selfish and didn't see it.

Just before Valentines this year 2014, I met a Japanese girl/stud. I was very attracted to her. She was only in my area for work and lived clear across the U.S. I was smitten by her. Because she traveled so much and lived on the West Coast, and I on the East, she too was not looking for anything serious; however, my husband was quite jealous of her.

He was so jealous, he did not want me dating any other woman. I was disappointed that my love for women hurt him. I never wanted him to be hurt, so I promised him I would be loyal.

Here it is October 2014, and I still want a woman too; I NEED a woman as much as I NEED my husband, so I threw out the truth and told him. The only solution I could come up with is Polyamory. I do NOT want to cheat on him behind his back with another woman. He seems open to the idea; however, I know he wants me to pick women he is more attracted to, so it would be easier for sex for him. I have been with both femmes and studs, and I am wanting the new relationship to be like my marriage.

The more I research about polyamory; the more I think the possibilities are endless. Why not a mf couple too? I brought that up to him as well, and he would rather another cute girl for me he said but has not shot down the idea of another couple. What do I do, and do you think I would be hurting him? I keep constant communication with him about it because it is truly how I see me; I do not want to hurt him or anyone else in the process. Just to make it clear, it is only me and my hubby at this time. I feel it is more responsible to work out our kinks with what we both want.
 
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First, I want to say you are a wonderful person for remembering to consider the feelings of your husband while exploring this new side of your life. So many people get caught up in the NRE and ignore everything else.

Your desire to be with others will not go away, and so it does need to be addressed and discussed with your husband. He needs to understand that he can best make you happy by supporting you in your search for another mate. On your side, you want to make sure you always communicate with him about what you are doing. You want to make sure you continually reassure him that your love for him has not lessened in any way. He is feeling insecure right now, and is worried he will lose you. So as you continue to date others, make sure he gets equal time and affection from you.

My wife and I are not searching for one particular type of poly relationship. We are open to any arrangement, so long as everyone is loved and happy. This included couple and couple, like you mentioned. That is indeed one option to explore, as that would make your hubby feel like he is not being left out.

Communication, reassurance, and lots of patience will see you two through this initial period of doubt. You will make it, because you care.
 
Greetings vicky77,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I don't suppose your husband would consider the two of you dating separately, and each of you looking your own second partner? It can be really hard to find a single bi woman whom both of you are attracted to, and who is equally attracted to both of you. On the other hand, if dating another couple is something that would work for you, then I guess it is fine to consider that.

It's important to remember that no one has a "right" to have a partner, let alone a second partner as well. We're all just very, very lucky when we do find love, wherever we find it.

I really couldn't tell you what will or won't hurt your husband; the two of you need to talk about that. If you continue to post here about your situation, I might be able to think of some more thoughts and advice.

Good luck in your search for that special someone,
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

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You've got to find a relationship configuration that works for you, but as a bi woman, I really, REALLY wish women would expecting to "share" women with their husbands. I feel it diminishes the connection between two women to expect that there has to be a man involved. When I'm with a woman I like, I'm a full-blown lesbian. I don't need a man anywhere near us. Personally, I wouldn't get involved in a situation where, if I wanted a relationship with a woman, I have to be with her man too. I've got my own man/men, I have no need or desire for yours.

Expecting a woman to accommodate your man is going to really limit you, and isn't fair to her. I think if you like studs, you should get yourself a stud (if you can find one who doesn't mind that you have hubs and kids) and keep your man out of it. This is YOUR sexuality, embrace it! Stop trying to find women that your husband will want to have sex with. I understand you're trying to keep your hubby from getting jealous, but, your sexuality is YOURS. This is about your feelings for other women, this is not about turning on your man.
 
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LoveBunny said:
You've got to find a relationship configuration that works for you, but as a bi woman, I really, REALLY wish women would [stop?] expecting to "share" women with their husbands. I feel it diminishes the connection between two women to expect that there has to be a man involved. When I'm with a woman I like, I'm a full-blown lesbian. I don't need a man anywhere near us. Personally, I wouldn't get involved in a situation where, if I wanted a relationship with a woman, I have to be with her man too. I've got my own man/men, I have no need or desire for yours.
Click to expand...

I assume you meant you wish they wouldn't expect.

Anyway, so much of my yes on this. I am very one on one, and I find it is difficult to enjoy the experience of a woman with a man around most of the time, unless we are really established.

Every girl I have liked, and then found out she wanted to share me with her boyfriend, I have backed out of. I have done a few three ways but it always feels like a lot of pressure and I have two people to try please. Maybe I am weird but I get confused. I have dated a couple, but made it very clear from the beginning that my relationship with the m and the one with the f would be separated. Sex would be separate, so would dates.

I know it is more convenient for them to share but the chemistry was off the one time we tried. Suffice to say I am glad I stuck to my guns. Now that I am more established with them, esp the male, if I wanted to have my own primary/secondary I would not be bringing her to bed with him and I. She/he, is all mine during our time :)
 
Right now with these? You do not seem to be asking about polyshipping. You seem to be asking him if he's up for swinging with a woman or with a couple.

I know he wants me to pick women he is more attracted to, so it would be easier for sex for him.
Click to expand...

Why not a mf couple too? I brought that up to him as well, and he would rather another cute girl for me he said but has not shot down the idea of another couple.
Click to expand...

Or maybe you are asking if he's up for polyshipping, but he's only hearing "sex adventures?" Could stop and get clear on what each of you mean there.

I could be totally wrong but let me repeat back highlights of what I think I understand so far. Sometimes seeing your thoughts organized into bullet lists helps some. But you correct them if I got anything wrong, ok?

THE MAIN THING
  • You want a new relationship with a woman that is like your marital relationship with your husband. (You want to share love and sex with her.)
  • You want to keep your marriage to your husband.
  • You are hoping a polyamorous model will let you have both.
  • Is he willing to participate in some kind of polyamorous model? Have you asked?

THE REST:
  • You do not want to cheat on your husband.
  • At the same time, you do want a GF.
  • To achieve (both husband and GF for me), so far you are thinking...
    • You want to work out boundaries with him before you try dating again.
    • You do not want to hurt anyone in the process. Husband, self, anyone else.
    • He was previously tempted by sex share titillation -- you going off to have extramarital sex and telling him about it later. Maybe even group sex with hubby, you and new person together.
    • You are thinking about using (sex experiences) as your "foot in the door" technique to
      • not have to experience or process jealousy stuff with hubby?
      • eventually get to (polyamory with the husband and future GF)?
    • You think it would be a more successful approach than last time so long as you pick out women more to his tastes sexually.

UNSPOKEN (I am guessing here...)
  • Are you thinking if you offer to "share the GF" then he will become more willing fulfill your want to polyship?
  • Are you thinking you if you offer to "fulfill hubby sex fantasies" then he will become more willing fulfill your want to polyship?

I think you guys could sort it out between you before involving other people. Could move away from talking about "sex share" for a bit and move toward talking about "love share" in the next few conversations. Could clarify that a bit more.

Could print and run this whole thread by him.

At minimum, could ask him straight up if he is up for considering polyamory. Ask what open models appeal the most to him? What appeal to you? Which ones appear on both lists?

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/open.html

Could also look at these:

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

BOTTOM LINE

I think you guys could stop talking about sex. And actually talk about the thing you want to talk about: You having a serious GF. You could ask if he's up for polyshipping. Find out what it is you want to know.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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I am new as well and your post was one of the first ones I read, I can relate to you so I decided to respond. I am a bi female as well and engaged to a man. I understand that urge to have both male and female relations and in a way I feel that the urges can greatly exceed those of someone seeking relations with just one gender. My fiance understands this and so he supports me wanting a girlfriend as well.

It sounds to me that your husband wants you to find a girl to share with him, is this right? This is not the case for me. In fact, my fiance said that if I find a girl that wants nothing to do with him sexually it's fine, as long as I am fulfilled and happy because I am the polyamorous one in the relationship, not him. I think that your husband gets jealous because you communicate and spend time with these girls without involving him and that is not really fair to you. Maybe try sitting him down and ensuring him that having a woman to yourself won't change how you feel about him, if you trust him enough maybe give him the same freedoms that you have? Just thoughts running through my head, I don't know much about the kind of relationship you two have so only you know what's best. Just make sure you both set boundaries that you agree on and compromise a little bit when needed.
 
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