Newbie observation

[Polious]

I'm visiting this forum because this lifestyle has become a possibility to my wife and I.
My observations on many threads that contain a disillusioned partner is that it's always the fault of the one who begins to have any problems with the lifestyle. Regardless of years spent together prior to such "trial", regardless of any prior agreements, whether they be merely partners or actual "married" partners.
The general consensus seems to be that the one who wants to "stop" the trial (lifestyle) is merely being selfish and/or childish and simply needs to come to grips with their "new reality"
In other words, once you "try", you must "buy" and the one who wants to continue has no obligation whatsoever to reconsider in any way.
You make it sound more like a cult than a lifestyle.
I must say that some of you have an almost hostile attitude anyone that dares reconsider.
Your hedonistic attitude toward a lifestyle that could be revered as "enlightened" has at the very least made me rethink even considering.
Thank you for showing the true nature of this lifestyle

 

[Emm]

I don't think you'll find anyone here who thinks being poly means they're somehow enlightened.

A major problem with pulling the plug on a poly relationship in mid-stream is that other people are involved and will be hurt by it. It is selfish not to take that into consideration.

If poly's not for you then please reconsider before attempting it.

 

[Polious]

Emm

A husband of 10 years somehow takes a back seat to a new boyfriend because he can't cope.
The overall opinion seems to be "dump hubby" if he can't cope.
How thoughtful

 

[Emm]

If hubby is completely opposed to polyamory and wifey is completely opposed to monogamy, then the two are fundamentally incompatible and both will probably be much happier if they are able to pursue their preferred relationship styles as free agents. Spending another 10 years making each other miserable achieves nothing but misery.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm visiting this forum because this lifestyle has become a possibility to my wife and I.

I get the feeling that being poly "becoming a possibility" means that your wife has fallen for someone else, and you're the pissed off husband.

My observations on many threads that contain a disillusioned partner is that it's always the fault of the one who begins to have any problems with the lifestyle.

Being poly isn't a "lifestyle." It is a love style, in which all participants should ideally be consenting. Jealousy is a common issue, as most of us are brainwashed to be mono. Jealousy can be overcome, and turned to compersion. That is a process most of us have had to work through.

The general consensus seems to be that the one who wants to "stop" the trial (lifestyle) is merely being selfish and/or childish and simply needs to come to grips with their "new reality"

There is no general consensus. There are as many ways to do poly as there are people doing it.

I highly doubt you've actually seen the words "selfish" or "childish" in describing the pain sometimes felt when faced with the reality of one's partner dating and having sex with someone else. It's quite common. It's something that needs to be unlearned, that jealousy. It can take time, but it does happen. My gf and I almost always feel compersion (vicarious pleasure) when the other sees an OSO. At most, I might feel a little envy (something different than jealousy) if she and an OSO do something particularly fun-sounding.

In other words, once you "try", you must "buy" and the one who wants to continue has no obligation whatsoever to reconsider in any way.

No one has said that. People here back out of poly all the time. If both partners back out, OK. If one partner backs out, wants to return to monogamy, but the other is truly poly and *can't* go back to monogamy, that is hard on both parties. But a poly person forcing themselves to live mono for their partner may find themselves full of resentment. So, that's no solution either.

You make it sound more like a cult than a lifestyle.
I must say that some of you have an almost hostile attitude anyone that dares reconsider.
Your hedonistic attitude toward a lifestyle that could be revered as "enlightened" has at the very least made me rethink even considering.
Thank you for showing the true nature of this lifestyle

If that is your takeaway from reading fully at polyamory.com, oh well. Good luck. Be yourself.

 

[Magdlyn]

A husband of 10 years somehow takes a back seat to a new boyfriend because he can't cope.
The overall opinion seems to be "dump hubby" if he can't cope.
How thoughtful

The thing is, this couple agreed from the start that polyamory seemed healthier than monogamy. But the husband was disappointed when his first foray didn't work out. He is freaking out because his gf of 4 months (!) (not a long time) dumped him.

He is sad, sure. He loves her. But he can't see past his grief to the reality that his new gf was in the middle of a breakup of her marriage and so not a particularly reliable, stable choice in a partner.

It's not "polyamory's fault." It's not his wife's fault. It's just the luck of the draw.

Meanwhile, I do wish we could get an update from the OP!

 

[GalaGirl]

A husband of 10 years somehow takes a back seat to a new boyfriend because he can't cope. The overall opinion seems to be "dump hubby" if he can't cope.

Are you talking about this post? My first suggestion was for hubby to get a counselor to help him out. Take personal responsibility for his healthcare rather than blaming the wife for his GF breaking up with him. I think he needs professional help because going at it on his own is not helping. He RAGES at his wife. That is not good.

That level of "emotional volume" over a 4 month relationship ending seems wonky to me. But then so did making plans to blend families and move her in. Too much too soon.

I don’t want to live with someone who flies into a rage at me on a regular basis, or tells me I’m killing him with my behavior.

The OP describes this as chronic. It's ok to be upset after a break up, but it is not ok to RAGE and blame storm at your spouse. On a regular basis? It is emotional abuse. It is not "hubby takes a back seat to BF" or "leave my hubby because he cannot cope."

It becomes "Leave my abuser for my own well being."

We haven't heard from OP in a while on that thread and I hope she is ok. Sometimes it can get ugly. Like "If I cannot have her, nobody can!"

The general consensus seems to be that the one who wants to "stop" the trial (lifestyle) is merely being selfish and/or childish and simply needs to come to grips with their "new reality"
In other words, once you "try", you must "buy" and the one who wants to continue has no obligation whatsoever to reconsider in any way.

If you are not talking about that specific post and meant in general?

In general I think both people in a marriage could consider before they Open how they want to handle that case. Where they try it on and find one wants to keep going and one does not. What is the plan then? Are both good with that plan? If so, great. If not, keep on talking. Don't Open yet.

Because part of successful Opening to me means talking about how it all might end. Each is responsible for their own emergency preparedness.

Nobody is under any obligation to continue something they don't want to be doing. They can withdraw their willingness to participate at any time. Thing is, they can only speak for their own self.

Galagirl

 

[IndieSolo]

Polious, I moved your posts and their replies to its own thread because this really is a new topic and warrants its own thread.

Also, just want to point out to you that many times, members here will say it is time to part company when it is in favor of the partner who prefers monogamy. It is an issue of compatibility and it doesn't matter whether it is the person who wants poly or the person who wants mono coming here, upset and at wit's end, to ask for advice. If all possibilities, such as therapy, negotiation, etc., have been exhausted or one partner will not make attempts to meet the other in the middle, why stay in the relationship when two people are at such odds?

 

[Dagferi]

If two partners are fundamentally incompatible why would you continue a marriage that is going to make one or both partners miserable? Doesn't matter if that issue is polyamory, children, religion, or etc.

Poly isn't a lifestyle. It is a love style. Partners are not things you try out like hobbies or sex toys. You don't try them out and get rid of them suddenly when things aren't going the way you want. They have feelings just like you do. Newbies who play with people's emotions and throw them away when poly doesn't work or they screw it up give poly a bad rap.

There is nothing revered or holier than thou about poly. Most of us will tell you poly is HARD work. It can destroy a marriage that is "good" and is almost guaranteed to torpedo a flawed relationship. Poly doesn't fix anything in fact it will highlight every flaw a relationship has.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Polious,

I'm sorry you encountered some disappointing stuff on this forum; I hope some of the posts in this thread have addressed some of your concerns. I think that when a profound disagreement arises between two partners, one wanting polyamory and the other wanting exclusive monogamy, it is hard to think of a solution that will be fair to both, especially if the poly partner is already seeing someone. Yes, breaking up with that someone and returning to monogamy is one possible solution, and sometimes it works. But it can be a rough road to travel.

Regards,
Kevin T.