Newby needing to vent/advice

I

illeei

New member
Hi everyone,
I am just starting to realize this is who I am. I am a married mother of 5, I have a wonderful husband who I have been with for almost 10 years and love with all my heart but I have never felt completely satisfied. In the past, I have always had a secondary partner to some extent although I never really considered it as such. I always felt like a bit of slut because I always developed interest in others even when I am in happy, committed relationships but I am starting to really consider that I am not meant to be in a single, monogamous relationship. I have tried to speak to may husband but I am really worried about hurting him, I don't want to lose him. The main thing that really has me questioning this now is that a male friend, has always been a bit touchy feely with me and husband was fine with that, tried to take things further. I stopped him, but I could really see that going somewhere. I am not, and have never been unfaithful to my husband. I have in the past with other partners but it is never a one night stand, it is always a case of falling in love and either changing partners or maintaining both, often without it really being so much sexual but more emotional. I am a bit of an exhibitionist and enjoy attention, I do burlesque dancing and I am very confident showing off myself. Husband adores me, he is OK with me sleeping with other women but not comfortable with men. I am comfortable with him pursuing secondary relationships but he is not keen. I am sorry for the long rant, I just don't really have anyone I can talk to about this and needed to get it all out:) I guess I don't really know where to go from here, I don't want to hurt my husband or kids but I don't want to ignore my needs.
 
Greetings illeei,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Re:
"He is okay with me sleeping with other women but not comfortable with men."
Click to expand...

Are you okay with that limitation? Can you abide by that limitation and still be satisfied?

Hopefully I can be of some help. I may need to know some more details; I'll let you know.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thanks Kevin, I am doing a lot of reading and exploring.
In regards to only being with women, it's not what I want. While I am attracted to women, I am definitely more interested in men. I just don't know how to make him realize that I am not looking to replace him and that they won't be a threat to our relationship.
 
From my perspective, folks who are in romantic relationships who would like to open things up but fear raising the topic -- or going deeper into the topic --generally have to deal with familiar or popular social expectations and norms. That's the main issue, in other words. These popular attitudes and assumptions about love and sex are what is foreground -- rather than the wants and needs of the individuals involved. And -- to my way of thinking -- it would be better if we put the wants and needs of the individuals involved in a stronger position in the thinking, feeling and discussion.

In most countries where this website is discovered by English speaking people, there is something like a "default setting" (in computer language) around relationships. And most relationships fall into a "default" set of assumptions because that's what is held to be "natural" and "normal" and "expected" in the culture's story of love and sex.

There are ever so many "default settings" which the culture has around love and sex. Lots of polyamorous folk are suspicious (for example) of a thing they call "the relationship escalator". https://www.google.com/#q=relationship+escalator ... and that would be one. Then there is this weirdly perverse "normal" assumption (default setting belief) that if I love two people I'm somehow giving each of them at most about half of my love -- since if I had a pie and I shared it equally each could only have about half a pie. But we poly folk often experience an increase in love when we share love with more than one partner -- thus proving that love is not like pie in this respect.

It's a complex and diverse learning curve. Welcome to it!
 
Re (from illeei):
"I just don't know how to make him realize that I am not looking to replace him and that they won't be a threat to our relationship."
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I would think just the opposite would be true: If he would allow you to see other men, then your loyalty to him would increase and you'd be more likely to stay with him.
 
kdt26417 said:
Re (from illeei):


I would think just the opposite would be true: If he would allow you to see other men, then your loyalty to him would increase and you'd be more likely to stay with him.
Click to expand...

Which sounds like Plum Crazy Talk to those deeply caught up within the nearly ubiquitous "normal" story of love.

It makes perfect sense to us poly folk. We're talking ... different paradigms altogether.

It would be nice if we all treated one another as at least VALID. For starters.
 
There must be some way to reason with the man with the OPP ...
 
kdt26417 said:
There must be some way to reason with the man with the OPP ...
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It would be great if someone found a good way to do it; but, it's a common thing and I've seen, read, and heard very few examples of it being frequent, let alone easy, to do. There's a lot of social reasoning around it (all of it sexist and stupid). "Girl sex" is HAWT, right (and that is important, because the guy needs to be involved somehow, and he can at least get hot fantasy material)? And if anyone ever does "find out" the couple is poly, that's okay, because clearly it's not that the man can't satisfy his woman, she is just really sexually adventurous (but, you know, in a HAWT way that doesn't involve another penis in "his" woman). Plus, women don't have romantic, real relationships (which, therefore, can't "threaten" the Original Couple's relationship) because...well, no penis, clearly.

It is a lot more socially acceptable all around. Again, sexist and stupid, but it is fairly deeply ingrained in our culture.
 
When I have tried to explain what I need, he just takes as being something he needs to improve or work on. He doesn't get that I am the issue, not him. He is a really great guy, a fantastic husband,lover,friend and father. I feel terrible that he can't be enough.
 
illeei said:
I feel terrible that he can't be enough.
Click to expand...

I don't know one woman who feels that her husband is "enough." Whether she chooses to look into this any deeper is the question, but there are very few women who feel thoroughly satisfied by one man for decades on end. As River points out, societal conditioning strongly steers married partners from exploring their sexual options, so that's why you feel terrible, but rest assured that your desire to have more variety (of whatever stripe) is very common. Most, if not all, cultures do a really bad job of addressing the basic adult human need for sexual variety. Thankfully, the internet is slowly opening up options and increasing awareness. Slowly.
 
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Enough

FallenAngelina -'I don't know one woman who feels that her husband is "enough."
Sexually that's just a given. No man can keep up with a hot woman who's really into enjoying sex.
Many people know that NO man (or Woman) is enough for a long term relationship. I used to play Tennis, but rarely found a woman who liked to play tennis. My current wife and I like all sorts of music, but I'm very into 60s Folk and she doesn't like it as much. I go to events with others. She had dinner last night with a friend, not a lover, and I visited another lover for mostly sex.
Many people find that having lots of friends and lovers, their lives expand and become more fulfilling
 
As my mum told me a long time ago, you really can't expect one person to be everything to you, it's unfair on them as much as you.

But as River has said, society has certain expectations about sexuality. Things have changed, just take a snapshot in say, 1905, 1955 and 2005. Nuclear families are giving away to blended families, there is now accepted serial monogamy rather than life long. One day it is likely that poly will be more accepted, and legal, and normal. But that doesn't really help those of us who are drawn to that life now.

I think many around here would agree that OPPs are often grounded in "face" (i.e. saving face, losing face) and external judgement. Of course that's not the only reason, so perhaps it is worth asking hubby to really articulate what his perceptions and objections are grounded in.

kia kaha
Evie
 
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