Newly dating Poly girlfriend - unsure

Polygirlfriend

New member
Hi There, first post here and have been reading a lot of the questions and responses which has been helpful.
We have been together since October and are both bisexual. We both have been involved in sex parties, unicorns etc for a little while and are looking for a relationship and she a primary partner as she's Poly. I'm more monogamous in a relationship though if we saw other people it would be together. We are dating in the hopes that we are each others primary partners.

The only boundary she told me there is, is that we tell each other when we sleep with someone else. At first I didn't want to know when she was with other people as it was more often then she saw me and made me feel awful. This has since changed as she noted she feels 'dirty' and uncomfortable not telling me.

I'm struggling at the moment with this as its beginning to feel like a bit of a free for all where there are no limits. Any relationship, friendship or romantic, is built by compromise and give and take, which I don't feel we have. I'd like to introduce a few boundaries but I'm not sure what is acceptable to ask and would therefore like to ask the community for some advice and guidance on this.

Any guidance would be appreciated. :)
 
It depends what you mean. I suppose, to an extent, I'd say the vast majority of poly people have some form of a messy people list. People they wouldn't want their partners to date.

Where there are stronger and more varied opinions is around things like telling your partner how they're allowed to bond with people not on a messy people list. And how to respond if your partner does date someone from the messy person list.

On this forum, I'd say that you'd get limited support if you wanted to actually set criteria around how your partner is allowed to bond with people. Nobody would deny that's a valid form of polyamory and people would advise against it for different reasons. Some would say it's unethical, others would say it's unrealistic.

When it comes to how to respond if your partner dates someone you'd not want them to, it would depend on the specific circumstances. Nobody is going to support you here if you feel you have to like the people she dates or be friends with them. Again, some will say unethical, others unrealistic.

Overall, we are all going to say that this comes down to compatibility. If you don't want partners who have casual sex, for instance, find them. People often want to feel like they haven't "changed" their partner and want their partner to have this independent epiphany which alters the context of any "sacrifice" they've made.

It's cognitive dissonance. The change didn't occur in a vacuum. If it's something they already did, giving it up will be to sustain the relationship. Maybe that's okay. Maybe you can't have it both ways and you have to live with the knowledge they made that "sacrifice" for you.

So, in my opinion, given that you know that if they agree, it will be "for you", you may as well ask.

If you really can't bear to ask, or to live with the possibility of them having "sacrificed", then decide if the behavior is a dealbreaker or not.

Deciding it's not means that you need to accept it. Truly let go of trying to analyse it or manage it.
 
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Hello Polygirlfriend,

What kind of compromise/give and take do you have in mind for your relationship? What boundaries would you like to introduce?

My V (MFM) has a rule that we will not have sex with anyone outside the V -- although the V could become an N/Z. Before that could happen, the added person would have to be introduced to all three of us, and get along well with all three of us. But you see, that is our rule, it works for us, but it may not work for you.

Some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Hello Polygirlfriend,

What kind of compromise/give and take do you have in mind for your relationship? What boundaries would you like to introduce?

My V (MFM) has a rule that we will not have sex with anyone outside the V -- although the V could become an N/Z. Before that could happen, the added person would have to be introduced to all three of us, and get along well with all three of us. But you see, that is our rule, it works for us, but it may not work for you.

Some thoughts,
Kevin T.
Hi Kevin, I'm not sure of all the acronyms yet. What is V, N and Z?

I think what I'm struggling with is all the ONS of late. Can I ask that we discuss together prior to being intimate with someone else? I know of two other couples/regular partners she sees which is fine and we are all meeting at her Birthday next week so it may put me at ease meeting them though I'm not at all needing to be friends or close to them as they are her partners.

I don't have any Poly friends so I'm unsure of rules and boundaries that can exist in this type of relationship which is why I'm asking. I'm also trying to see and date other people to see if the Poly lifestyle is for me. You don't know until you try right.
 
Hi Polygirlfriend,
  • V = three people in a poly relationship, where one person is the "hinge" and as such, is romantically involved with the two other people -- the legs of the V. The legs are not romantically involved with each other.
  • N = similar to a V, but with four people instead of three.
  • Z = same meaning as N (above).
Hopefully that helps.

You can definitely ask that you discuss together prior to being intimate with someone else. Lots of people have that rule. It also helps if you meet the people your partner is seeing, even if you don't need to be close to them.

Hopefully you can see and date other people, and in that way find out if poly is right for you. You don't know until you try.

What other rules and boundaries are you thinking about?
Kevin T.
 
To get
I think what I'm struggling with is all the ONS of late. Can I ask that we discuss together prior to being intimate with someone else? I know of two other couples/regular partners she sees, which is fine. We are all meeting at her birthday next week, so it may put me at ease meeting them, even though I'm not at all needing to be friends or close to them, as they are her partners.

I don't have any poly friends, so I'm unsure of rules and boundaries that can exist in this type of relationship, which is why I'm asking. I'm also trying to see and date other people to see if the poly lifestyle is for me. You won't know until you try it, right?
To get this kind of information all in one place, I highly recommend getting and reading the book Opening Up. You are totally lost in an uncharted sea. It's good you are reaching out here to learn. But we don't need to reinvent the wheel on your thread. It's all there for you in this good book! :)

Quickly, your gf, as a poly person, can have sex with whomever she wants, form relationships with as many as she wants. But if you need certain things to feel safe, or to be reassured, you can request anything you want, from a discussion, to a quality date, to a hug, to sex, whatever.

I'd agree that your gf should tell you when she starts having sex with a new person, and that she should practice safer sex. This is to protect her health and yours.

If she wants to see other people, say, 3 times a week, and see you once, that is her right, even if she sees just one other person 3 times and you once. Maybe you can live with being lower priority. Maybe that one date a week is so great, it's worth it. But if that's all the time she has for you, you'll have to live with that, or break up.
 
Do you actually want to be poly at all?

It sounds like you enjoy some forms of non-monogamy that are couple-centered, such as sex parties or threesomes with your partner.

But it doesn't sound like you actually want to be dating non-monogamously at all.
 
I think what I'm struggling with is all the ONS of late. Can I ask that we discuss together prior to being intimate with someone else? I know of two other couples/regular partners she sees, which is fine.

Your GF wants to practice poly AND practice open/ENM for casual sex encounters?

Cuz you sound like what you object to is all the one night stand casual sex hookups.

Where you are ok if she's got a new lover in the context of a more long term relationship.

Is that true? Or maybe you want a different kind of non-monogamy.

I don't have any Poly friends so I'm unsure of rules and boundaries that can exist in this type of relationship which is why I'm asking.

You can have whatever personal boundary you want for yourself. Like
  • "I always wear a seat belt."
  • "I never drink and drive."
  • "I like having my own banking accounts. I don't want to mix finances."
  • "I don't want to date people who do a lot of random casual sex encounters."

You aren't saying others can't pick different. You are stating what YOU are and are not up for.

You can't dictate rules for other people. Like you are the boss who makes the rules and everyone has to do what you said. You CAN ask to make shared agreements. And if both people negotiate terms and agree to hold those agreements up? That's what they decide for how they agree to be together then.


I'm struggling at the moment with this as its beginning to feel like a bit of a free for all where there are no limits.

WHAT is a free for all? She's just taking up with whatever random person who wants to share casual sex?

Not using condoms and safer sex practices?

You want to talk about her NOT taking up with your relatives, roomies, best friend, boss or coworkers -- like clear up the "messy people list" because some people would just make it too weird and messy?

Something else?

Have the conversations you need to have. If she's going at it all "kid in a candy store" reckless I could see where that would be a turn off for you.

I second reading "Opening Up." You can read it free online at


This includes a visual aid for poly relationship shapes. Not all but some.


I don't know if that helps you any.

Galagirl
 
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It's great that you and your partner are exploring polyamory and trying to establish boundaries that work for both of you. It's important to remember that boundaries are not set in stone and can always be renegotiated as needed.

It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed and would like to introduce some boundaries. It's perfectly acceptable to ask for what you need in a relationship, and it's important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings.

Some examples of boundaries you could consider discussing with your partner might include:

  • Setting a limit on the number of partners you each have at one time
  • Agreed-upon rules for sexual health and safety, such as regular STI testing and condom use
  • Establishing a schedule for time spent together to ensure that your relationship remains a priority
  • Discussing what level of involvement you each want in each other's other relationships, such as whether you want to meet each other's partners or not
Remember that boundaries are personal and specific to each individual, so it's important to have an open and honest conversation with your partner to determine what works best for both of you.
 
Great advice above! It might be good for you both to write your own lists of what are the most important things to you in a poly relationship. Then distinguish between things you would love to have if it all works out, and things you require.

One of my requirements (rules), for example, is safety and health. For that reason I require a sexual health screening before anyone new is introduced into my circle. That means if one of my partners wants to sleep with someone else, fine, but they need to have documentation that they are healthy. It could easily pass back to me.

One of my hopes is that if my partner takes on another partner, it would be really great if we could all make one big family, get along, be friends. But that's not a hard and fast requirement. The health thing is.

Doing a similar exercise will help you both prioritize and see the other person's priorities, and be able to compromise better to support each other's wishes and to make sure your needs are also being fulfilled.
 
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