Newly Poly couple advice

[TigerlilyCL]

My boyfriend and I are new to Poly.
I'm more non-monogamous than Poly.
So far we'd only discussed taking things further.
The agreement we'd come to was that if he met someone with whom he wanted to explore things with, he'd speak to me first.
We have a friend with whom we shared a threesome a few weeks ago. Last week my bf got stuck the other side of town with no transport home and spent 2 nights with her, all unknowing to me that that was where he was staying. On returning home, I asked where he was and he said he'd been with her! I felt devastated, crushed and betrayed, furious with him and her, that he went right ahead and did what we had agreed we wouldn't. I love him endlessly and she is a wonderful person who I feel much attraction to myself. I can understand emotions clouding judgement and getting caught up in the moment, I'm more than willing to move past this, forgive him and her, even though I am so furious and hurt right now. I strongly feel we need to really sit and talk about how we are going to move forward with this new dynamic before they start planning nights together. He feels I'm treating them like children, grounding them, because I asked that he not have another "sleepover" just yet. I don't want there to be more misunderstandings and nor do I want to create hard feelings over my being upset about how they started off. I feel she owes me an apology first too, it takes two to tango as they say and he is not the only person I'm upset with, just the only one I've spoken to and had apologies and explanation from, that we need to sit down together and have a good heart to heart before it goes further is also needed. Am I being unfair, is there another way I can frame this that he can see I'm (hopefully) not being too unreasonable?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello TigerlilyCL,

When you say "sleepover," I take it you mean they had sex. Is there any chance this could be partially a misunderstanding? like he defines sex differently than you do? not that that excuses his behavior, I was just wondering. I think it's reasonable to want a heart-to-heart with them before it goes further. Just tell him it's something you need, so you can feel you're on solid footing again.

It can be gobsmacking to find out that two people you cared about went behind your back and broke the agreements they made with you. I don't blame you for being upset, with both of them. It sounds like your boyfriend has apologized, although I wonder how much of an apology it is when he then turns around and accuses you of treating him like a child? I hope your friend also apologizes, and I hope both of them start supporting you. Sit down with them and have a talk.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

My boyfriend and I are new to poly. I'm more non-monogamous than poly. So far we'd only discussed taking things further.
The agreement we'd come to was that if he met someone with whom he wanted to explore things, he'd speak to me first.

We have a friend with whom we shared a threesome a few weeks ago. Last week my bf got stuck the other side of town with no transport home and spent 2 nights with her. It was all unknown to me where he was staying.

When he returned home, I asked where he was and he said he'd been with her! I felt devastated, crushed and betrayed, furious with him and her, that he went right ahead and did what we had agreed we wouldn't.

Do you live with bf? If you do, I could see if you'd be worried when he didn't get home. It seems maybe you don't though. You didn't know until after the fact that his car broke down and he spent a couple days at a new friend's place until it was repaired?

I love him endlessly, and she is a wonderful person who I feel much attraction to myself. I can understand emotions clouding judgement and getting caught up in the moment. I'm more than willing to move past this, and forgive him and her, even though I am so furious and hurt right now.

I strongly feel we need to really sit down and talk about how we are going to move forward with this new dynamic, before they start planning nights together. He feels I'm treating them like children, grounding them, because I asked that he not have another "sleepover" just yet.

I don't want there to be more misunderstandings, nor do I want to create hard feelings over my being upset about how they started off. I feel she owes me an apology first too. It takes two to tango, as they say. He is not the only person I'm upset with, just the only one I've spoken to and had apologies and explanation from.

I think we need to sit down together and have a good heart to heart before it goes further. Am I being unfair? Is there another way I can frame this that he can see that I'm (hopefully) not being too unreasonable?

You can request anything you want. It is then up to one or the other of them to agree to your request. This is how adults communicate. You can't "make him feel like a grounded kid." That's his feeling that he can own. You're just requesting a negotiating of boundaries. You might wait until your anger simmers down over this misunderstanding, before approaching the subject again. There should be no screaming, cursing, belittling, etc. Just a statement of your wants.

It seems from here, that it wasn't clear to either of them that you'd wanted a headsup before your bf spent the night at her house. He'd already had sex once with her with your blessing and cooperation. He must have thought it was OK to stay there while his car was being worked on.

I don't see where she owes you an apology at all. She must have thought it was perfectly OK for her new prospective bf to spend a couple days at her place. He didn't tell her otherwise, it seems.

If this is going to be a V, then you and bf need to get on the same page with informing each other about stages of relationships with others. It's not unusual to want to go slowly in the early stages of opening up.

If you want this to become an ongoing triad, with sexual and emotional relationships going in all directions, you will also need to get on the same page with this new woman. She also gets to say what she wants out of this. Her feelings, thoughts and desires are equally important as yours and your bf's.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

Don't know if my opinion would help you any.

The agreement we'd come to was that if he met someone with whom he wanted to explore things with, he'd speak to me first.

Is this the agreement? If so, you guys may have had crossed wires. It might be a case of you thought this and he thought that. Nobody trying to be MEAN or anything but crossed wires all the same.

• You maybe meant it like "That threesome didn't count. It was weeks before this agreement was made. So from THIS point forward, check in. So even if with the same threesome friend? Have to check in.

• And he though it was "Well, the threesome was weeks ago. I don't have to check in because she already knows I'm interested in her."
  

And then LO! the discovery that you thought different. Rather than getting mad at each other for not being mind readers?

Learn to say things like "Ok now repeat that back so I know you got it how I meant it." and "Ok, let me repeat that back to you. So I get it how you mean it." Work to PREVENT more crossed wires in future.

Then examine the agreement and figure out if it can be worded better and made more keepable. Look at it again.

The agreement we'd come to was that if he met someone with whom he wanted to explore things with, he'd speak to me first.

Why this agreement if you are willing to meet new people and date them, aren't you already in an Open relationship? :confused


What is the purpose of framing this agreement framed this way? Like what does it DO for you to to have him speak to your first before dating someone new? What are you trying to achieve? Less anxiety? Something else?

I think that is a wonky way to frame things because it kinda sets you up as a sort of "gatekeeper." It may feel childish to tell you every little thing before doing it. Or like asking "permission" or something. He might need more breathing space than that. So might you.

Could it be better to frame it like "Ok. We are Open now. Date who you want to date. So long as it is not my mother, my boss, my roomie (list of messy people that would be hellish for you.) I will return the same favor and not date your messy people.

We agreed to use safer sex practices. Such as (list). In the event of accidental pregnancy, the plan is X. In the event of STD, the plan is Y.

We agree that if you share sex with someone else, you will tell me before you share sex again with me so I can consent from a place of full information. And I will do same for you."

Agreements you both can keep, but still allow you to be responsible for your own selves, and your own choices, and some autonomy in who you choose to date. No "gatekeeper" thing.

Because as this wears on, do you really want to be told every time for every little thing? A lot of dates with potentials end in NOTHING. So why bother knowing about the itty bitties? You want to know he had coffee with Red on Tues and lunch with Blue on Friday and .... You want to tell him you had coffee with Purple on Sat and dinner with Green on Tuesday? Wouldn't that get annoying chatter?

At what point is it "news" to you? Like ok, this one has made it to "steady dating" and past that whole "potential person" thing. It's ben going on for two months. So no longer "potential" but "actual dating partner." Is THAT is when to share? Talk that out. When is it "news" worth sharing?

Does this BF live with you? If he just disappeared for 2 days with no contact, I could see worrying he had a car accident or something. A roomie taking a trip or something would at least leave a note on the fridge. That's common courtesy.

But being mad that he hooked with her again after you shared a threesome and have been talking about Open Relationship? People are not PERFECT. There is a learning curve. Rather than be mad about it, take a time out, calm down. If there were crossed wires about the agreement because you thought one thing and he another? Acknowledge it but move it forward.

And ask if he'd be willing to revisit the agreements so they are worded better and actually KEEPABLE because as it was? There was confusion. Be ok being on a learning curve and having some wobbles. Be ok with there being honest mistakes as you start out. Even when learning to ride a bike people wobble, fall off, get scrapes, etc. before getting good at it.

Live through the transition time and whatever "wobbles" happen as you learn to be together in this new way. People are people. They aren't magic.

As for her apologizing to you? Why? What did she do? If he presented himself to her as willing and able to date? Or he told her a story? She's supposed to mind reader that that isn't so? You guys recently had a threesome and are friends so presumably she's used to trusting you and him. If you find out he told her outright lies to get in her pants as opposed to an honest mistake about his understanding of the agreement? That's another thing entirely.

But if he thought you were already in an Open relationship and was doing his best and this is an honest to goodness mistake/wobble/fall off the bike? Why be mad at that? What does that do for anyone?

Even if you are attracted to her? I would suggest no more threesomes together. And you do not date her.

Learning to deal in a V situation or an N where you have a different partner and he has her for partner and you and him date each other. That's enough.

Attempting a triad which is like 3 V's stacked up? Where you are all each other's partner AND Meta AND hinges? It is one of the hardest models. No need to start there!

Do some reading if you haven't already.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
https://www.morethantwo.com/

GL!
Galagirl

 

[PinkPig]

Aside from what everyone else has said, is it also that you feel he lied by omission? Was he texting and calling you from her house, stating that he was "at a friend's house" but didn't say she was the friend? If that's the case, I could see where you would feel deceived by him. And, if she was fully aware he was intentionally keeping that from you while he was there, I could see where you could feel deceived by her. If that is what happened, then the question is why wasn't he forthright with you... Is it because he's deceptive by nature (gives you half truths), is it because he knew you'd have a tantrum, or is it something else? You don't have to answer these questions...they're more for you to think about. But, the answers will help you unravel why you're so upset about him doing what people in open relationships do (spending time with someone else, having sex with them, etc.)

When I first met my partner Blue, it also started as a casual threesome with him and a woman he was dating casually. Something very similar happened with us....I assumed because we'd had a threesome that Blue and I could date....she assumed that I would be a threesome partner only, no individual dating. When Blue & I started dating, she was angry and hurt. The whole thing was lack of clear communication on all of our parts and not an intent to deceive. Unless you have reason to believe your bf was being intentionally deceptive, I'd assume the same...this was an issue of unclear communication.

As for the gatekeeping, as Galagirl said, that's a recipe for disaster. Blue and I started off with him telling me every time he had a coffee date with someone new. It honestly just created more anxiety for me, not less. In the end, I find that it's easier to keep things simple. He tells me when he's had sex with someone new and whether he honored our safer sex guidelines. He also tells me if he's going to be away for longer than an overnight with someone. I do the same. It works for both of us. This is how I conduct my relationship(s) with anyone I date now. I don't know what boundaries and rules he has with his other partners...and I really don't care to know...that's between them.