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[Magdlyn]

Thanks everyone. I just can't say how relieved I am. Every morning for the past 3 weeks when I first get up, the first emotion I have felt is sadness and longing. Ugh. It was awful. Now I can just feel happy or neutral as I start my day.

Yesterday Pixi and I drove to go to the beach with my friend R (let's call her Rose) in RI. Her friend C that I met two weeks ago came, and Rose's daughter (who is special needs and really cute and fun and loves the water more than anything).

It was a great day, so relaxing and silly. We had seagull trouble! As soon as we got settled and opened our sandwich bags, a gull swooped down and pecked at C's sandwich! He didn't get anything and she didn't drop it, thank goodness.

A while later a gull swooped down and pecked at the daughter's iPod which was in a little pouch. It was lying right next to her on her blanket. It must have looked like a bag of chips.

And just as we were talking of leaving, a gull swooped down and pecked at C's head, just at the hairline. I am sure the ghost of Alfred Hitchcock was nearby chuckling evilly. It didn't draw blood though, so she didn't go full Tippy Hedron. Good grief!

In between the attacks, we had lots of swimming. The waves were smaller than the last time I went, and I was able to actually swim out beyond the breakers, peacefully bobbing up and down in the swells. We also had fun girl talk and all that good stuff.

On our way back to Rose's place, we stopped in at a McDonald's to get chicken nuggets for the daughter. As soon as we entered the lot, C driving, a gull swooped down in front of her car, wheeling around and flapping! We teased her that her gull had followed her there! We said the daughter should be eating gull nuggets to get revenge. lol

So, Pixi and I took our leave and started to drive home, but we stopped at the Bass Pro Shop in Foxboro for her to get arrows for camp. There was a cruise night going on in the lot! So we walked around and looked at cars for a while. So fun.

 

[YouAreHere]

I'm thinking of adopting "Gull Nuggets!" as my newest pseudo-swear. How crazy! Glad you had a good time!

 

[Leetah]

No,Gull Nuggets don't come in a flavor variety pack! They're bleedin' seabird flavored!

I am going to try to work "Stinkin' gull nuggets!" into my expletive collection.

Leetah

 

[Magdlyn]

i'm thinking of adopting "gull nuggets!" as my newest pseudo-swear. How crazy! Glad you had a good time!

no,gull nuggets don't come in a flavor variety pack! They're bleedin' seabird flavored!

I am going to try to work "stinkin' gull nuggets!" into my expletive collection.

Leetah

lolol

 

[YouAreHere]

Great minds, Leetah.

 

[KC43]

Mags, glad you were able to sort some things out with Punk!

And bugger age differences... As long as there isn't an inherent power imbalance (e.g. teacher/student) and everyone's legal, who gives a crap?

(Says the woman who gets creeped out by talking to someone much more than 8-10 years younger...)

 

[Magdlyn]

Mags, glad you were able to sort some things out with Punk!

Thanks. Now I am wondering when I will see him again. Maybe *I* should invite him to the beach. I haven't been to Wingaersheek yet this summer...

And bugger age differences... As long as there isn't an inherent power imbalance (e.g. teacher/student) and everyone's legal, who gives a crap?

(Says the woman who gets creeped out by talking to someone much more than 8-10 years younger...)

You see?

 

[KC43]

I don't give a crap about age differences for *other* people... For *me*, if there's too much of a difference, I feel creepy. And yes, I realize that probably doesn't make a lot of sense. LOL

 

[FeatherFool]

I've been on a bare handful of dates with people who were quite a bit older than I- 20 years give or take- but we just never clicked right. However, a friend of mine has been with a man 17 years younger than her for the last five years, and they seem very happy together. I think it has more to do with the people involved than the ages. If the guys who were much older than I were fifteen years younger, I still wouldn't have wanted a second/third date with them.

 

[Magdlyn]

I've been with Pixi 7.5 years, and we have a 22 year age difference.

So anyway. I had made a date with Punk to go to that beach tomorrow. But yesterday afternoon, I bent over slightly at the waist to pick something off the floor. It wasn't a heavy thing, just a small item. And my back went -- SPROING! I don't fucking know what happened. I feel like it's totally sprained. I can barely stand upright or walk. There is no way I can drive to the beach tomorrow, or walk on the sand swim, clamber around on the pretty boulders. Fuck.

I guess I overdid it last week. Dammit. I drove 80 miles total to work Monday and Tuesday. I drove another 80 miles round trip, or I should say, Pixi drove, I rode, to go to the beach in RI on Thursday. The waves were quite a bit smaller than 2 weeks ago, so I even swam and it was fine.

I took it easy on Friday. I drove into Boston on Sunday to see Steve, another 40 miles round trip. We had a lovely time and lovely sex. sigh. I was feeling good yesterday, went to the chiro, all was fine. And then suddenly, here I am, broken in half.

I had an interesting weekend. Pixi left for another session of camp on Saturday morning. In between her leaving and me seeing Steve on Sunday, some shit went down.

When I got up on Friday, I saw I'd had 2 texts from my friend K, one at 930pm Thursday night, one at 7am that morning.

She had been south of here playing her sport. She got violently ill, twice, on the course. She told her friends she better go home, thinking it was food poisoning. She had 40 miles to drive. She was only able to go a few miles, then had to pull over to get sick, once, then again, and was starting to feel extreme abdominal pain. So right around my area, she decided she better find a hospital. She managed to get to the hospital in my town.

Turns out she needed an appendectomy! So I told her she could come here to recover. I picked her up Saturday afternoon. Then we went back out to get her pain meds prescription. Then later I went out and got groceries. The operation and the meds had constipated her, so I got lots of fruit and vegetables. So I spent the weekend nursing her, except for taking a break to go see Sean. She mostly watched the Olympics and slept. And we hung out and chatted of course.

Sunday morning she was feeling enough better to ease off on the oxycodone for a while, so her head was clear enough for us to go get her car from the hospital parking lot. And yesterday morning she felt well enough to finally get herself back home. She has got friends lined up to walk her dogs, bring her meals, etc.

Oddly, Saturday was my birthday and I spent it nursing K. Luckily Pixi and I had celebrated on Friday. She gave me a ton of flowers, and an I Love You balloon, and we went out for out of this world sushi and tempura. She left for another session of camp Saturday morning. After this week, she will finally be home for 3 weeks until a 3 day camp over Labor Day.

 

[IndieSolo]

Ugh, I've had my back go SPROING! like that, too, so I know it's no fun. Don't blame yourself for any exertion or driving you did - it can just happen like that. I remember a doctor or chiro telling me once, "it could happen while bending slightly to pick up your hairbrush." When you have back probs and and spinal imbalances, it is easy for the vertebrae to get out of whack and cause nerve pain. I hope you feel better soon.

Also wanted to post a picture I cam across on another forum, which I thought you'd enjoy.

 

[Magdlyn]

Nice Pyrex shot, Cindie! Yep, that's the kind of dish I collect, but in every color and pattern! Funny their alphabet blocks have spelled PYRXE!

So, I had my regular appointment at the chiro today and I am not any better. He could see how badly off I am, and he adjusted me slightly differently since I am in so much pain. Then he ordered an MRI and after the usual rigamarole of insurance and dr's office bs red tape, I am scheduled to get one on Sunday.

This was Pixi's night off at camp, which I found out when I texted her today to update her. She didn't even know I'd had this setback. It just so happened tonight was her night off, so she drove all this way home late this afternoon, and got us takeout and rum and walked the dog.

She's got to go back tomorrow early because 30 kids are counting on her for archery. She was going to go out with the other counselors Saturday night after the campers left, but she will come home instead. And tomorrow Punk is coming and I guess I will have to ask him to walk the dog again.

My condition seems to be even worse somehow. It's moving down my leg.

I don't think I said before, that Steve's landlord sold his building. He has to move. And here he is sick and not working. So, he is going to move in with a friend. But she lives in Ohio. But in December she is moving back to the area, and they will get a place together. So he's moving out there on the 25th and since I am incapacitated, that's that until December! Just when we had reconnected!

 

[Magdlyn]

Pixi took good care of me. She saw to my physical needs, and lifted my spirits and morale. She's so tan and fit now and looks so yummy.

Cindie, didnt you say you'd once had several vertebrae go out of alignment? What was the treatment and outcome of that?

 

[Leetah]

Har! When I saw NYCindie's thumbnail I thought it might be a picture of this -

But it is a different other sort of "china" display.

Leetah

P.S. I expect the PYRXE blocks are in that order because it is a store display and human beings are let near it. My family has a tradition of rearranging some decorative letters my Mom has up.

 

[IndieSolo]

Leetah, the Pyrex display in the pic I posted is someone's personal collection. They have a thing for roosters, too, it seems!

Mags, my back is pretty severely lordotic and also a bit scoliotic. Which means I have a very deep swayback (lordosis) and am crooked from side to side (scoliosis). The scoliosis is also affects the alignment of my hips and I have one a bit higher than the other. I also have two herniated discs in my lumbar spine. One is ruptured, one is just bulging.

I started seeing chiropractors in my late teens and continued after I moved to NYC, but I haven't seen one in quite a while. My vertebrae would pop out of alignment periodically (sproing!) and all I could do was rest for a few days and then be very gentle with myself and see a chiropractor.

The thing is a person can live with bulging or ruptured discs for quite a while and not know what is going on, until that day when something happens. MRIs show the disc material, but I don't think x-rays do. It's the contact with the nerves that causes a hella lot of pain. So, for me, one day I was getting up off my couch to answer the doorbell and my back popped and I saw stars and collapsed. I was in the hospital for two weeks after that, in bed the whole time because I couldn't move, and they kept pushing me to have surgery. I had studied bodywork a few years before that, so I had a friend bring me my anatomy books and I quizzed the surgeon's assistant about the surgery he wanted to do, which they did not like. They wanted to remove discs and splint my vertebrae together or some shit like that.

Then a doctor friend put me in touch with an expert ortho doc at the Hospital for Special Surgery and he asked me questions over the phone and had me do little things, like see if I could lift my leg off the bed, and I could - which was a good sign. From that, he told me a few things - first, that the surgery is a 50-50 shot, so why do it. If I was able to lift my leg a little higher everyday, that meant I was improving. Next, he told me what no one had ever told me, even when I was a bodyworker, and that is that the stuff that makes up a vertebral disc (collagen fibers surrounding a nucleus of protein, etc.) can regenerate - very slowly, but it can regenerate! So, just because it had ruptured, shouldn't mean they need to clean out the disc and fuse my vertebra with another. Finally what he told me is that the pain will decrease as my nerves get used to the disc material pressing against them. It just hurt like hell so much because it was a fresh assault on so many nerves in the the nerve branches near where the disc had ruptured. But eventually the discs and nerves would be able to live right up against each other without the pain response. The body is so intelligent. Eventually it learns to adapt.

Well, all this is probably more info than you really need, but basically he told me to gently try to increase activity every day and to build strength. Also knew that stretching would help because some muscles that were really tight, like the psoas (or ilio-psoas) which supports the lower spine and pelvis, were also contributing to my imbalances.

I declined the surgery. What did after I somehow, very shakily, left the hospital was just to walk a little bit every day. I wore a back brace (just the super supportive elastic kind that you can get in a medical supply store), and used a cane (it was a really cool one), and at first could only walk to the corner. There is a book I had (and still have) called Walking by Casey Meyers and it is a classic on how to walk in alignment. Eventually, I could walk around the block, then stop using the cane, then stop the back brace, and maybe six or so months later I was racewalking in Central Park (not terribly fast, but still racewalking speed).

What helped besides the walking was gentle stretching and yoga. I found a Kripalu yoga teacher who taught me privately so she could focus just on me. Shortly before my back went out, I had taken a group yoga class with someone who pushed me down into a position that was very uncomfortable, and I think he added to the strain my back was under. The private lessons were great.

It's important to remember that bones respond to stress, like Bucky Fuller's tensegrity structures, and so when the spine is being pulled in one place by overly tight musculature, yet not balanced out because in other places the reciprocal muscles are too slack, we can have all kinds of crookedness, soreness, and potential for injury. Somewhere I have a program of strengthening and stretching exercises written down specifically for people with low back pain and a pelvis that is not level. I'll see if I can dig it up and post the exercises here.

Two other really helpful books:
No More Aching Back by Leon Root. A classic with very simple, easy exercises you do in bed every morning. It's really cheap on Amazon.

Goodbye to Bad Backs by Judith Scott. Very very good.

Nowadays my back just gets tired and achy every now and then. Ironically, working in retail has helped it the last four years. Desk jobs were bad for my back. Sitting a long time is worse on your lower back than standing is because you've got the whole weight of your upper body sitting on top of your lower spine, but when you stand or walk, your body weight is distributed down through your legs to your feet.

Everybody's back problems are unique but I hope this helped!

 

[Magdlyn]

Yes, thank you SO much! Very informative!!! I will reread and consider it all.

 

[Magdlyn]

What a weekend. Back pain excruciating. Besides that, Punk dumped me.

Or, did he?

I don't know.

He said he is on a path of self discovery since his mother died. Well, a month or two before she died, he started therapy, so let's put the beginning of his focused journey there.

Be that as it may, he has found he has lost "romantic" feeling for me. He visited here on Saturday and told me all this. He painted it black and white at first. Lost those romantic feelings, didn't see them coming back.

Then he went on to say, he wanted to tell me this in person, because he felt he was "leaving me twisting in the wind" since his mom died. But, he still wants to be friends. Close friends, even.

He told me about what a fantastic person I am, listing all my great qualities, how he loves coming to my house, how it is such a "respite" for him, how he likes miss pixi too as a friend, etc., etc. We are a positive in his life, where he doesn't have many positive things.

But he's lost sexual desire. He is "content with his hand." And it's more than the sex, it's some kind of relationship arrangement or expectation he feels he should sustain, but can't.

Of course, I was pretty upset. I didn't yell, I didn't ugly cry. A few tears slipped down my cheeks. We talked calmly and rationally for an hour or so. The dog though, sensed the bad juju and was very anxious. I asked him to walk her, and he did. I collected myself. I tried to categorise what was happening with other relationships I have been in or knew of.

When he got back 15 minutes later, I told him how Pixi's current bf dated her for a year, having 2 overnights a month, on average. Suddenly he told her it was too much and dumped her. He is introverted and a bit Aspie and had not had many people in his space before. But a year passed, he got back in touch, and they've been seeing each other again for about 18 months.

When I told Punk that story, he said, a lot can happen in a year! It seemed to be a new insight for him.

When he was saying he still wanted to be friends, I said, Well, I won't just stop loving you. He said, Oh PLEASE don't!

Which is very confusing. He wants me to love him, but he doesn't quite love me, and he isn't attracted to me? He doesn't know who he is, but he wants to keep coming over? What has really changed, besides his libido? It's so hard to understand.

Right about then, Pixi got home from camp. He greeted her out in the kitchen and told her... She left us alone for a while, but that was confusing the dog, so she came into the living room and got included in the conversation, got up to speed.

It seemed Punk realised a bit that his change of feelings could be temporary, could change again. He said "I might be kicking my own ass in 3 weeks."

So after about 2 hours, I said, well I think you've explained everything clearly. He said, Should I get going? I said yes. He got up, gave Pixi a big hug, came back to me where I was sitting, gave me a bigger hug. And left.

Pixi and I talked it over a little. Then she started telling me cute anecdotes about camp, we ordered in some food, watched a little TV (more for the dog's benefit, as she calms down when we go downstairs and eat and turn on the TV, she's such a creature of habit. And she was very anxious about Punk and me not going off to the bedroom like we are supposed to, in her doggy mind).

And yesterday I had my MRI. In a few minutes I go to chiro to see the results on my CD and see what is next in the course of treatment. The pain is terrible, in my back. And in my soul.

I will come back with more thoughts later. Any feedback or opinions are very welcome!

 

[breathemusic]

It sounds to me like Punk has NO CLUE what he wants. Of course, given all that he's been through, that's not really all that unusual. I wouldn't be surprised if after the recent talk about you pointing out that he'd left you hanging and wasn't communicating, he probably felt like he had to make a choice and either commit to being on or off. Not sure why he thought that when from what I read you were pretty clear with him that you expected him to feel wonky and not sexual and all that stuff and understood he was grieving. But maybe he doesn't even want to commit to regular contact? He might feel like he needs to be able to drop off the map for a bit without giving anyone any notice?

I'm sort of just taking wild guesses here, but mainly, I certainly don't think you did anything wrong and you've been very supportive of him through all of this. He just seems to be kind of flailing about and needs to figure things out. I think all you can do is decide whether or not you're willing to stick around and still be ready in the wings to accept him again as a partner if he changes his mind (but also accept that he might keep changing it several times and therefore might hurt you more in the process) or whether that's not for you and you can support him as a friend but not a partner even if he does change his mind, or if even that's not on the table.

I'm sorry that you're hurting!

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks, breathemusic. I want to look at this situation from as many angles as possible.

I am trying to put myself in Punk's moccasins. His mother was emotionally abusive. His idea of love is self sacrifice to another, with little in return. To do so much for her and then to be told how badly he did it, how wrong he was, what a failure he is.

Even though in our 9, almost 10 months together, any time he helped me around the house, cooked, let the dog in and out or fed her or walked her, or gave me a gift, or went out of his way to sexually please me, I always said thank you in a sincere fashion. And I also help him with things, give him Coke and smoke him up, feed him, massage his sore shoulder, and constantly support him emotionally and show how great I think he is.

When we met, his sex drive was good, but his virility was rather shaky. But my positive attitudes, acceptance, and obvious enjoyment of what he could do (like oral and some kink) led to him becoming much more virile. He called me "Miracle Mags."

But now, I can imagine him thinking, "I am so messed up. I need to figure myself out. I can't be responsible for meeting anyone's needs but my own.'
When he told me things along these lines, I kind of understood. I quoted RuPaul's tagline on her show DragRace. "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?" And mentioned how, in poly circles we each have to be our own primary.

It's just sad that he views love as some sort of tiresome responsibility. He started getting skittish about the L word as soon as I brought it up a couple months ago, before his mom died. That it meant some kind of lifelong commitment to him. (Like, I guess, his commitment to his mom, which he did uphold until the day she died, no matter how badly she treated him.)

It's just too bad he can't see that I am a good support for him, and shouldn't feel like a drain on his resources, but an addition to them. I guess he feels I can still be a support for him, if I let go of wanting much in return? No more touching, dancing to swing music, cuddles, kisses, sex... I admit I don't know what a mere friendship with him would look like. Certainly half the things we did and felt fall under the "romantic" umbrella. Does he want to see me less often? Should I leave him alone and wait for him to offer to come over? Or does he want me to reach out? I don't know! I guess I need to ask.

So. Leaving philosophy behind for now, on to the present. I went to the chiro yesterday morning. He had my results from the MRI. But he was busier than usual so I had to sit in the waiting room for about 20 minutes. Usually he takes me within 5 minutes. I was in incredible pain sitting in the waiting room chair. When he was finally ready for me, I shuffled down the hall, half bent over. Then when we went into his office to look at the computer and see the pix of my spine, I had to kneel on the floor to reduce the pain. He saw how very badly I am doing and told me repeatedly to go to my PCP immediately and get something STRONG for the pain, like Percocet.

So I have several bulging discs, and one is torn and herniated. They are putting pressure on my nerves and causing my pain. He said this has been coming on for a while and had nothing to do with my recent increase in driving and activities.

He also offered me Non-Surgical Spinal Decompression and gave me a booklet explaining it. It's been used for 10 years and has helped 10s of thousands of people. However, 20-25 sessions of it would cost $3500, and it isn't covered by insurance!

to be continued in next post...

 

[Magdlyn]

So with my written medical report in hand, I went home. I woke Pixi and told her what's up. I called my PCP's nurse, and I have an appointment for today. He had called me late last week to get an update on my upcoming gyno appointment to see about the 2 conditions I will be checked for. (Remember those? sigh) I told him how that appointment was delayed for insurance reasons, and told him about my back and how I need painkillers.

Then I started texting; my son and daughter, Steve, my good friends Rose and K. K already knew. I'd also been asked to babysit today by my friend M, and updated her. I also messaged with my sister. And I also texted Punk to tell him.

He was the first to respond, after my sister, who has been supporting me daily. We had a back and forth as I told him the details of my diagnosis. At least he still cares enough about me to have taken the trouble to respond.

My sister's husband and Rose's husband have both had these disc issues and have healed. BIL just had 2 epidurals 5 years ago, and nothing since, and he's OK, with one daily tramadol. Rose's husband had PT and still does daily exercises and is also OK in the 2 years since his episode. BIL is a landscaper and a golfer, R's husband is a carpenter/contractor! So, this gives me hope I will get back to being active someday too.

The only other thing I did out of the house was have Pixi drive me to my credit union's main branch to get a new debit/credit card, since it was hacked last weekend. Just to add to the fun of everything else!

After that I took a short nap, and Pixi worked on her computer. When I woke up she made us dinner. This is the first meal she has made for us all summer! And she loves to cook, but just hasn't been home enough, with any energy left over, to cook. sigh... We watched the final powerful heart wrenching episode of Orange is the New Black. God, we love that show.

After it was over we turned to CNN to catch up on political news. I leaned forward over this narrow ottoman I have (it's actually a traditional camel saddle). I held that position for a half an hour, giving my discs some space. It felt good, and I actually think I feel a little better this morning! It might be my own version of spinal decompression.

Oh, one other thing. In the late afternoon, my chiro called me. He told me to look at my report. He had forgotten to tell me one other thing the MRI showed, since he was focused on my spine. I have a 2cm "mass" on my adrenal gland in my abdomen. It could be benign, could be a "relic," could be... something else. So I need another MRI with contrast imaging to see what that is!

I feel like a lab rat.