Nks

[nks]

Hi, I have been posting on the board lately, so I should also do self-introductions. I'm nks, a bi male, now in a monogamous marriage with a woman. Originally, I was uninterested in men and I thought I simply wanted a monogamous relationship.

Things however turned out to be more complicated than I thought...

I had to admit to myself years ago that I was polyamorous. I could love multiple people and could be happy for others when they were in love.

I had been in a throuple with two women. It was an amazing experience. We had to move across continents and we broke up. It was also nothing like described in the poly literature. It just happened slowly and we all liked what we had. It was quite difficult when it ended.

I then had an open relationship (requested by my gf). It again was nothing like it should be and there were a lot of mistakes. I learned some hard lessons. Dated many women, but most would want a mono relationship. My gf too met both women and men and later found her husband. We broke up but I was happy for her. I met my wife too.

Then, I transitioned back to a mono relationship. It was not always easy. My partner was interested in casusal sex and threesomes at first, but we never actually tried these. I have always liked hotwife/cuckold relationships, so I discussed it with my wife. She did not want to try. She however wanted to help me find a bf and sometimes expressed interest in having a throuple or a V (her, me as hinge, my bf). I liked the idea of two men and a woman, but she got worried that I might love sex so much that I become gay. I also could not find anyone good and questioned my bisexuality too. We kind of dropped the whole idea and just decided to work on a mono relationship.

I still have a poly identity too, so here I am.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi nks,

Welcome. Thanks for sharing more about your identity and experiences.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings nks,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have had quite a journey, exploring the various forms of open and poly. In my observation, things seldom go as described in the poly literature, people are too different and unique for that. It sounds like you are interested in cuckolding/hotwifing, but your wife had worries about it, so you've tabled it for now. Hopefully the two of you can work something out that you both enjoy. If I can be of help, let me know.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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[Magdlyn]

Hi, I have been posting on the board lately, so I should also do self-introductions. I'm nks, a bi male, now in a monogamous marriage with a woman. Originally, I was uninterested in men and I thought I simply wanted a monogamous relationship.

Things, however, turned out to be more complicated than I thought...

I had to admit to myself years ago that I was polyamorous. I could love multiple people and could be happy for others when they were in love.

I had been in a throuple with two women. It was an amazing experience. We had to move across continents and we broke up. It was also nothing like described in the poly literature. It just happened slowly and we all liked what we had. It was quite difficult when it ended.

I then had an open relationship (requested by my gf). It again was nothing like it should be and there were a lot of mistakes. I learned some hard lessons. Dated many women, but most would want a mono relationship. My gf too met both women and men and later found her husband. We broke up but I was happy for her. I met my wife too.

It sounds like you've had a fair amount of love and sexual experiences, and you find you enjoy open relationships, threeway sex, and the company of both men and women. You've also had some heartbreak when at least one relationship ended prematurely, or not well.

Then, I transitioned back to a mono relationship. It was not always easy. My partner was interested in casusal sex and threesomes at first, but we never actually tried these. I have always liked hotwife/cuckold relationships, so I discussed it with my wife. She did not want to try.

Sometimes people like to fantasize about things such as threeways, but fantasy is enough. Actually doing it requires interacting with actual people, with thoughts and preferences of their own. In fantasies, all the characters behave the way one chooses!

She, however, wanted to help me find a bf and sometimes expressed interest in having a throuple or a V (her, me as hinge, my bf). I liked the idea of two men and a woman, but she got worried that I might love sex so much that I become gay.

So, at first she wanted to help you find a bf, but later worried you'd prefer MM sex and lose interest in her. She doesn't understand that being poly means you love and want to remain with your original partners, not just trade one for another, as in monogamy.

I'm sorry she struggles with your bisexuality. Gender preference can be fluid. Some bisexual/biamorous people can go years desiring one gender, and then switch and prefer another gender, while others are more consistent in desiring both fairly equally. As a bisexual (actually pansexual) person myself, I pretty much equally desire both genders (or gender expression-- masc/femme, no matter what is actually between their legs). But the quality of my desire is different, since the energies are different.

And it goes beyond just the sex. It's the overall package or vibe of feminine and masculine energies (or the interplay of both in one individual) that interests me.

I wonder if your wife knows much about bisexuality or polyamory. Has she done much research, or does she get all her info about it from you?

I also could not find anyone good and questioned my bisexuality too. We kind of dropped the whole idea and just decided to work on a mono relationship.

I still have a poly identity too, so here I am.

It's very hard to find someone "good"! I can sure relate to that.

 

[nks]

Thank you for the replies and the warm welcome.

Yes, bisexuality added to the complexity. For a few years, I really wanted to fall in love and have a boyfriend, but I also needed a female partner, so it was a dilemma. I was still struggling with figuring out what I needed. I had been in a throuple with these two women, but I could not imagine how I could get into one again once it ended. The first formed so naturally, it was very difficult to imagine that I could get something that again.

My open relationship did not work well. I really wanted a mono relationship in the future, so it was like, that's not gonna happen if I want both a man and a woman. And a male-male-female throuple sounded even more elusive. I was stressed out.

As it turned out, my attraction to men was not as strong as to women. And while I was sexually attracted, I did not want to have sex without very strong romantic bonds. I wanted a boyfriend with strong feelings. So, again, I was stuck. There were a few guys whom I kind of liked, but the right person just did not show up.

Later, I got into a monogamous relationship, and sometimes felt that I was a kind of a bisexual "virgin". It was a bit tough that I could not find love with a man. My wife was supportive at first, but then lost confidence. There were a few times when we met someone, and she encouraged me to go on a date, but the thing did not get far.

She doesn't understand that being poly means you love and want to remain with your original partners, not just trade one for another, as in monogamy.

Yes, she does not really understand it. She imagines that if I am in love with someone, then it would mean that I am not in love with her. I explained how I felt, but she was not convinced. She did not read much on poly, maybe just a few articles that interested her. She has a poly friend. Sometimes my wife told me stories about her friend's bfs.

I felt that she was a bit intrigued, but we did not talk much about the topic after she expressed unease. When we discussed our relationship before marriage, she told me that she was kind of interested in extramarital affairs in the form of sex with someone she meets, maybe on a work trip, or a comet-like thing. I was supportive, but for me, emotions are important. For her, there can be some attraction and a passionate night, but preferably no love involved. Later, she was no longer interested in that, either.

I told her that if she wants to meet others and worries about me, then we can open up only on her side, as I also enjoy the hotwife dynamic, but she declined.

From time to time, she comes back telling me that sex outside marriage is intriguing, so we will see. With women, she is quite jealous, but sometimes she seems like considering letting me have a gf.

Well, I love her and no matter how she feels, the point is to build that relationship. And as you said, sometimes fantasy is enough.

And it goes beyond just the sex. It's the overall package or vibe of feminine and masculine energies (or the interplay of both in one individual) that interests me.

I like how you put this. Most of my female partners had strong masculine energies, as well as feminine, so in a way I could always satisfy my bisexual need for both kind of energies. Perhaps that is enough for now.

 

[Magdlyn]

Yes, bisexuality added to the complexity. For a few years, I really wanted to fall in love and have a boyfriend, but I also needed a female partner, so it was a dilemma. I was still struggling with figuring out what I needed. I had been in a throuple with these two women, but I could not imagine how I could get into one again once it ended. The first formed so naturally, it was very difficult to imagine that I could get something that again.

My open relationship did not work well. I really wanted a mono relationship in the future, so it was like, that's not gonna happen if I want both a man and a woman. And a male-male-female throuple sounded even more elusive. I was stressed out.

As it turned out, my attraction to men was not as strong as to women. And while I was sexually attracted, I did not want to have sex without very strong romantic bonds. I wanted a boyfriend with strong feelings. So, again, I was stuck. There were a few guys whom I kind of liked, but the right person just did not show up.

Later, I got into a monogamous relationship, and sometimes felt that I was a kind of a bisexual "virgin". It was a bit tough that I could not find love with a man. My wife was supportive at first, but then lost confidence. There were a few times when we met someone, and she encouraged me to go on a date, but the thing did not get far.

Yes, she does not really understand it. She imagines that if I am in love with someone, then it would mean that I am not in love with her. I explained how I felt, but she was not convinced. She did not read much on poly, maybe just a few articles that interested her. She has a poly friend. Sometimes my wife told me stories about her friend's bfs.

I felt that she was a bit intrigued, but we did not talk much about the topic after she expressed unease. When we discussed our relationship before marriage, she told me that she was kind of interested in extramarital affairs in the form of sex with someone she meets, maybe on a work trip, or a comet-like thing. I was supportive, but for me, emotions are important. For her, there can be some attraction and a passionate night, but preferably no love involved. Later, she was no longer interested in that, either.

It sounds like your wife muses on some altnernative things as thought experiments, more or less, but seems most comfortable in an ordinary hetero-mono marriage. How long have you known her, and how long have you been married? Why did you marry her? Sometimes gay or bi people enter into hetero marriages in a state of denial, shame or self-hatred... Maybe you thought she was more open-minded than she's turning out to be?

I told her that if she wants to meet others and worries about me, then we can open up only on her side, as I also enjoy the hotwife dynamic, but she declined.

From time to time, she comes back telling me that sex outside marriage is intriguing, so we will see. With women, she is quite jealous, but sometimes she seems like considering letting me have a gf.

Well, I love her and no matter how she feels, the point is to build that relationship. And as you said, sometimes fantasy is enough.

Well, I don't think fantasy is enough when your desires for certain things are really strong. Sometimes the fantasies are so overwhelming that they become your reality, and the reality fades into a shadow, an annoyance, a bothersome little detail. (Speaking from my own experiences in a marriage that didn't suit me...)

I like how you put this. Most of my female partners had strong masculine energies, as well as feminine, so in a way I could always satisfy my bisexual need for both kind of energies. Perhaps that is enough for now.

You sure don't sound sure about that. Some compromise is necessary in a marriage, or committed relationship, but twisting yourself into a pretzel just to "save the marriage" is not recommended for a truly fulfilling life.

 

[nks]

Thank you for the insightful answer. The marriage is quite important to me. Yes, my wife prefers a hetero-mono marriage right now. I also wanted that initially, and sometimes still like such an arrangement. She is also in most of my fantasies, so I'd like her to be with me, even in a poly relationship. From what I heard from her and knew from before getting together, I feel that she could enjoy such an arrangement, and under the right circumstances, she might even initiate it. We have been together for a long time.

I'm bi, but I don't really have a man I am in love with and it is more like a fantasy now. It's just sometimes I wish someone showed up I can really fall for. The other thing is that when I was together with two girls then it was a very satisfying dynamic. We all had different needs and we could each satisfy each other in different ways. In a mono relationship there are many things that only we can do for each other. When I got back into mono after the throuple, the problem immediately was this that often you have this down-time where you need to give space to your gf/spouse but you want love or intimacy. In the throuple it was easy. When someone needed space, we could give it and still have the other to satisfy our needs. That is difficult to substitute.