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PolyElectric

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My girlfriend and I agreed that one day a week we will go out alone to meet new people.

My girlfriend is constantly booked for dates, either from her online profile or from going out and meeting people. Many times she will go out and hookup without even having a date scheduled. She likes one night stands and I desire to experience that as well. When I go out, I feel like an awkward single at the bar and women aren't into my vibe. My dating profile is crickets. I feel like my girlfriend is enjoying all of the fun of our open relationship and I am left feeling frustrated.

I know some poly men are successful in dating, tell me your secrets to success!
 
I'm not a guy. I'm just a female-presenting person who has been poly for over 20 years. Most men do report that they don't get much action when people find out they are poly, whether they are solo/single, partnered or married. Our culture is still set up this way. Men pursue, women are pursued. Women are picky and tend to reject many men until they feel a sense of safety. Men are less picky and more eager to hook up with almost anyone they can.

Many men want to hook up with a partnered woman just because they do not want commitment. So your gf, looking for casual sex only, is just what they want.

Of course, polyamorous people are seeking love. (Hence the word amor in there.) Women who are seeking love, commitment, a LTR, while being poly and not wanting exclusivity, also do not find Mr Right (or Ms as the case may be) easily, at all. I can personally attest to that.

I don't know a ton of poly men irl. But there is one I know who has no trouble attracting women, and meets them on dating sites. And my own newish bf seems to attract women wherever he goes. What these 2 guys have in common is that they are polite, reasonably good looking, well groomed, do not come across as creepy or super horny. They really like women as people. They are compassionate, they listen well, they are interesting and interested. They have cool hobbies and are enthusiastic about life. Basically, they are just great guys, but they don't come across as "friend zone" material. They have that sexy edge, a little flirty, just enough, not too much.
 
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Hi PolyElectric,

I'm kind of in your shoes, I don't attract a lot of women. And I guess a big part of the reason for that is because I don't much try. I doubt myself too much to try. I did try OKCupid about 14 years ago, but I wasn't thrilled with the experience. I struck out.

The rare times when I haven't struck out, were when I got to know the lady on a platonic level. In other words, when she and I were just friends, for a long time, and I didn't have any expectation of anything more.

Of course, you can't make friends with anyone unless you get out there and meet people. Maybe you have a hobby, and could join a club. Something on that order. But you must be patient, it's not like you'll be able to have sex with someone the very day that you meet them. Not unless you have way more mojo than me!

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you everyone for the feedback.

What are "cool hobbies"? I'd like to know what makes a man interesting. I do not feel like I get friend zoned, I feel like I don't get noticed at all.

Sometimes I get so frustrated at the poly imbalance with my girlfriend that I want to stop trying poly. Has anyone closed a relationship out of dating frustrations? When I brought this up last night she was receptive but thinks it would be counter productive to my our goals. And I agree with that, but at the same time I can't handle not having any of the fun!
 
Your hobbies could be anything. What are your hobbies and interests? If you want to attract interesting cool women (the kind that would be open-minded enough to try polyamory) you will need to present yourself as an interesting person. If you don't have much in the way of hobbies or interests, you'll seem boring and won't get noticed.

If you're excited about life, passionate about it, you'll attract exciting passionate women. As the new member said above, "Chase excellence."

My bf and gf both happen to be geeky, love to read, are into sci fi and history and various cultural things, new music, are aware of politics, are artistic, kinky, like a wide range of movies and tv shows, enjoy nature, etc., etc. This is what I like too, so I like them.

Others might be more sports-minded, or maybe they are very scientific, or love fashion, and/or they do volunteer work, or are very into "green" living, or poetry, or... whatever! If you want more than a quick hookup, read a woman's profile, see where your interests mesh, and talk to her about sharing them. Too many men come on to me all about sex right off the bat, and I then feel all they want is a vagina, any vagina, not a relationship with a person. If they just want a vagina, they can go see a sex worker.
 
Honestly, I don't think being cool is the secret to attracting women. It's more about, well, starting out in the friend zone. What you need are opportunities to have conversations with women, as they say communication is the key in poly, the best way to start a relationship is with the seeds of communication. Of course, I'm not one to ask, I'm not exactly a pickup artist.

Heh, when I was in junior high school, I thought it would be a clever idea to sign up for the home economics class, as that was peopled by all girls. That and I just liked the idea because it was so far off the beaten path. It didn't matter much; I was too introverted to strike up a conversation with anyone, and if I had maybe they would have thought I was a creeper, I don't know.

Heck, who says women are into home ec? My current partner (Snowbunny) talks most fondly of the drafting classes she took in high school. Although she, too, was very introverted at that age, and didn't start up any conversations with any of the guys who were taking that class.

In college, I met a woman who was interested in me, who of all things was taking a calculus class with me and that's how we met. At the time I was strictly monogamous, so I had to turn her down, she was kind of pissed because I had kind of led her on with my friendly demeanor. But the next day she was okay with me again. Who knows where that could have gone if I had pursued it.

I guess what I'm getting at is, take a class in something that interests you, perhaps something you've always wanted to learn but never had the opportunity. Focus on the material you signed up to learn; don't "chase" the women; that would just make you look like a creeper.

Of course you can always give up on polyamory; otherwise you will probably always have to put up with the disadvantage you have as a man. Here's an interesting article on the topic ... The Switcheroo: when openers become benchwarmers
 
Discrepancy in how many dating partners you're getting compared to your girlfriend could be for all sorts of reasons.

I found that making online dating profiles as authentic as I could while also highly expressive of who I was helped a whole lot in not just attracting potential partners but well suited ones. Let your freak flag fly!
 
Not to sound cliché, but if what you are doing is not working, try something different. And don’t hang up the towel if this is something you really want.

There are resources for dating. Search around a bit and find something that makes sense to you. Look for men in your area to make friends with who are already successful in what you desire and take notes, imitate, or put your own spin on it to make it yours.

Invest in yourself. How is your style? I rock different styles myself, ranging from whitewater river rat to boardroom boss, to night out at the musical theatre. This is the natural balance of my personal interests with a professional career. Women may not be inclined to make eye contact with me right after I have stepped off the raft after weeklong river trip; I get more attention when I have a fresh shave, nice fitting clothes, and don’t smell like Swamp Thing, you dig?

I am not saying you have any of these problems… But since I do not know you personally, I am making generic suggestions from observations in my own life.

Do you have a social circle? I have never had anyone turn down an invitation to one of my sushi parties. Maybe you can only pursue dating one day a week. However, socializing during the week might help you set something up for the weekend.

Is one day a week enough? I understand why it is appealing to make agreements based on time, nights out, etc. Consider other ways with your partner to reach an equitable solution. Think about equality of desired outcome, instead of equality of a static metric, like time. Maybe your girlfriend only needs one night per week to have a new sexual partner. To reach that same result, maybe you need three nights a week. Or maybe you need to spend more money than she does, or maybe you need time to yourself for self-improvement in addition to your nights out. Maybe you need a booty-call “Get Out of Jail Free card” since those opportunities only come around once in a blue-moon.

I personally found a fixed schedule to be undesirable. When a woman is sexting you and telling you to come over, nothing is worse than having to say: “Sorry, I am watching Baking Impossible on Netflix with the primary right now; I already used my night this week so I can’t get away...”

In my experience, I have not met many women who were happy to have any sort of sexual relationship with me where I only invested one day a week. It might be worth having this conversation with your partner. You might have to invest a little more than she does to get the same result because on average men and women have different dating outlooks, at least as it relates to sex.
 
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I appreciate the ideas. I do not really have hobbies or interests that are commonly shared with women. Whitewater rafting, that sounds exciting! Is that dangerous? Do hobbies like that help you meet women?

When I am out at the bar I don't really get any eye contact. I end up sitting at the bar awkwardly alone. I cant even strike up a conversation with the bartender.

I don't think my gf would think it was fair if I went out more than she does.
 
My girlfriend and I agreed that one day a week we will go out alone to meet new people.

My girlfriend is constantly booked for dates, either from her online profile or from going out and meeting people
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You know that's two things, right? One is how many times a week she goes out, the other is how much time she's doing online networking or in-person networking.

How do you do your networking?

Has anyone closed a relationship out of dating frustrations? When I brought this up last night she was receptive, but thinks it would be counter productive to my/our goals. And I agree with that, but at the same time I can't handle not having any of the fun!
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It isn't a race. And you each will have your own dating style.

Poly has a way of shining a light on different things.

Are you still making time to date each other? Or is she all distracted with the new poly dating and taking courting you for granted?

How is your social circle? Do you have one of your own? Or did you just piggyback on her friend circle? Do you need to invest in building that first, rather than dating? Because if you like axe throwing or mini golf or bowling with a buddy, and you happen to meet people doing that ther, great. If not, also great. You had some friend hang-out time.

When I am out at the bar I don't really get any eye contact. I end up sitting at the bar awkwardly alone. I can't even strike up a conversation with the bartender.
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In my head, I flipped that. "I sit awkwardly alone in the bar, so I don't get eye contact from others." Which led me to wonder... what's your body language like? And if you aren't comfortable meeting people there and don't enjoy that environment, why be at a bar?

What do you when not working? you could do THAT to meet people. I like gardening, cooking, reading. So I'd try to meet new people in community garden volunteering, taking cooking classes, or joining a book group at a bookstore or attending library events.

I don't think my gf would think it was fair if I went out more than she does.
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What would happen if she thinks that? Why would it be a problem?

Right now, you don't think it's "fair" she seems to schedule lots of dates with ease.

Take a step back and think on it. Isn't it already fair that "both get to date other people," and how it goes is up to them?

Why are you keeping some kind of "fairness scorecard" in your head? It's ok to envy her skills, if she has some social skills you covet for yourself. You could do something about it, and grow your own skills.

HOW you each approach dating, WHERE you each go meet people, WHAT each of your social skills are for that, and each of your success at it... that part will vary because you aren't copies of each other.

Like, if one kid finished a math quiz in 10 minutes, and another kid needed 20 or 30, so what? They aren't the same person and don't have the same math skills right now.

If she gets enough dating action with online profiles and going out one day a week, and you need more time to get results, or don't like the online thing, could you invest more time that you need do date in YOUR style? You are the one in charge of your calendar, right?

There are two sets of skills.
  • Hinge skills -- being the person with more than one sweetie.
  • Metamour skills -- dealing with your partner having other partners.
So what if she's good at the first set? How good she is with the second set remains to be seen.

And then, you also have to develop both sets of skills.

GG
 
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Hi PolyElectric,

Whitewater rafting sounds like a perfectly good idea, I know for a fact that there are women who are into it.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
PolyElectric said:
I appreciate the ideas. I do not really have hobbies or interests that are commonly shared with women. Whitewater rafting, that sounds exciting! Is that dangerous? Do hobbies like that help you meet women?
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I do not go to the river to look for women, I go to the river for me. To challenge my mind and my body. To submit myself to the forces of nature, and to see the world from perspective of the river.

If that activity sounds fun to you; absolutely go on a guided river trip. It's not very dangerous if you go with an outfitter. Do not go alone. Go with an outfitter at first. You may meet someone, or you may not. Best not to have romantic expectations. Though you may fall in love with the river... ;)

I haven't dated since 2019, though when I did go on dates I found that my hobbies and interests gave me something to talk about. It can also lead into second dates and beyond. If you are having a good conversation with someone about a fun activity, it's easy to suggest doing the activity together someday...

The referenced activity could be anything. I doubt there is anything attractive about paddle sports to the average person. Although having hobbies, doing activities, and going on adventures is probably more attractive than not.

PolyElectric said:
When I am out at the bar I don't really get any eye contact. I end up sitting at the bar awkwardly alone. I can't even strike up a conversation with the bartender.
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Maybe as an experiment you can try something completely different. In my youth I had long curly hair. I called it my Jesus hair (that's what it looked like). I never thought I would cut it, and when I finally did I was very uncomfortable and anxious about it. However, I slowly noticed the subtle differences in the way people perceived me and interacted with me. I got more eye contact and smiles from women when I had short hair, and when I was 19 that attention felt really great! I know it can be difficult to try new things, but getting out of your comfort zone every once in a while is how you evolve as a person. It's also fun!

When I used to go to bars, most of my socialization happened near physical activates: pool tables, darts, shuffleboard. You might also try different bars. Maybe you will find an environment that makes you more comfortable. Oh, and make friends with men at the bar too! I once found myself alone at a small music venue (it was a Grateful Dead cover band, I remember), and a random guy approached me. We ended up having a great conversation. We hit it off and hung out all night. It turned out he knew the band that was playing. After the show, I was smokin' a joint with the band, and guess where the majority of the women were?

PolyElectric said:
I don't think my gf would think it was fair if I went out more than she does.
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I find assumptions to be a waste of time. If you do not want to bring up the conversation with your gf, fair enough... Maybe what you should do is read a bit more about dating. Try some new things. Subscribe to some YouTube channels about men's style. Start taking pictures when you go out (not just selfies with the gf) pictures of you so that you have lots to choose from for your online profile. If you have the budget for it, hire a photographer to take some good pictures of you, and go to stylist and get some honest feedback. I hate to make a broad generalization here, but I had NO idea how important clothing was to so many women until I started having those conversations.

I once had a FWB who got approached by men a lot. We were at some sort of outdoor festival and an attractive guy came up and hit on her. After the interaction ended, she sort of cringed, and I was confused. I asked her what was up and she said: "You didn't see? He was wearing sneakers with no socks on!" lol I don't claim to understand the complexities of style at all, but living with two women, I learn something new every day...

Maybe you don't end up taking all of the advice you get, but you owe it to yourself to consider various sources of information. When you get further into dating and begin having some successes, you will then know more about what your individual needs are to fulfill these desires. And at that point, if something isn't working for you, I hope you will bring it up to your girlfriend for discussion.
 
How did you meet your girlfriend?
 
PolyElectric said:
I know some poly men are successful in dating, tell me your secrets to success!
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The answer to your question is going to depend on how you are framing success. If you are framing success as "getting laid as often as my wife," then you've got an uphill struggle and lots of frustration in front of you. If that's what you want, to bang a bunch of chicks, then the pick-up-artist crap might be the path, I guess. If you listen to those guys, they are apparently killing it when it comes to having sex with strangers.

I don't personally put a high value on banging people, or even on having multiple romantic relationships. For me, the important part about being non-monogamous is my autonomy and freedom to do what I want with my time/energy/body, without regard for the will of an external force (spouse, girlfriend, etc.). I've had periods where I was dating more than one person at a time, and that was great, and I've had periods where I was dating only one person, and that was also great.

So my recommendation is to take a look at what it is that you actually value, and use the tools that are appropriate to get you to that goal. If building healthy relationships is what you are after, you might need to use a whole different tool set than if what you are after is to go out and "score" with strangers.
 
Just out of curiosity, I played a bit with Google, and soon found that googling "how to snag more women" immediately yielded a bunch of articles on that very topic. I also found that googling "how to impress women" yielded even more articles on that topic. So it seems that becoming a skillful pickup artist would not be hard to do.
 
Please don’t try to impress us…

What if you flipped the thinking and worked from there? What activities do you think you could genuinely enjoy where coming across a woman who’s also into that activity would be a win/win?

E.g. I love indoor bouldering (rock climbing without a rope). I love the physical and mental challenge. Now, guys there trying to impress women aren’t impressive nor attractive. But guys there who are evidently there for the same motivations as me and are genuinely a good person just as they are? Sexy as hell.
 
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