Nomenclature and Terminology Discussion

[Sunshine79]

I think there is some missing framework here and maybe I'm an opposition voice, but I'll say it and see where it lands.

Opening a marriage in any capacity is, by nature, a very selfish act. It is saying, "I want to do this thing that will bring me additional pleasure and joy, and I want it to work, and I have x-amount of energy and capacity for what I'm willing to put up with to make it work."

And, if the marriage is strong, both partners understand that there is necessary selfishness included, but also that the PARTNERSHIP is the whole. The marriage relationship is the protected space.

This means the extra partners are at the mercy of what the marriage defines as the boundaries. In my experience, ONE relationship must be primary or there is no grounding space to return to. Maybe that primary relationship is constantly changing, and this is more complicated. But if the marriage is the primary relationship, the marriage sets the tone and the boundaries. The extra partners willingly agree to the contract terms or do not.

(Am I outside of the bounds of polyamory now? This is where my newness to the nomenclature might get me in trouble. Please read with an open mind and a lot of grace.)

 

[ref2018]

(Am I outside of the bounds of polyamory now? This is where my newness to the nomenclature might get me in trouble. Please read with an open mind and a lot of grace.)

You're not "outside the bounds of polyamory." You just described what are called "hierarchy" and "couple privilege." I understand your concern though. The elders of reddit/r/polyamory would be all up your ass for what you just wrote.

 

[Sunshine79]

You're not "outside the bounds of polyamory." You just described what are called "hierarchy" and "couple privilege." I understand your concern though. The elders of reddit/r/polyamory would be all up your ass for what you just wrote.

Jesus. Thank you for that.

Though navigating "the lifestyle," I have mostly avoided the Fetlife crowd, as well as the swinger community. And when I do connect with one, I find that the initial goal in the opening convo is to slap a definition on everything.

I'm not entirely thrilled with the boxing of my personality into some adorable initials that let everyone know my particular kink, haha. I'm terrible. It's hard for me to be go-with-the-flow and open-minded, when it feels like correctly labeling everything is important thing number one. Perhaps I'm also revealing my relative newness in all of this.

I'm a quick learner and here to be schooled. And I won't shy from learning a language in a subject that I find important. But I appreciate you and your candor, coupled with acceptance.

 

[ref2018]

Jesus. Thank you for that.

Though navigating "the lifestyle,"



I'm a quick learner and here to be schooled.

In that case (and at the risk of giving the appearance of gate-keeping) please be aware that most people who consider themselves polyamorous don't describe polyamory as "the lifestyle" or even "a lifestyle." I see you put that expression in quotes, so maybe you've already been clued in to that by someone. There is also no such thing as "the poly community" but rather countless different groups and communities (both online and in real life) that are made up of people who practice or identify with this form of nonmonogamy (and these do overlap with other communities that are identified with swinging, kink, nudism, etc.).

 

[Sunshine79]

In that case (and at the risk of giving the appearance of gate-keeping) please be aware that most people who consider themselves polyamorous don't describe polyamory as "the lifestyle" or even "a lifestyle." I see you put that expression in quotes, so maybe you've already been clued in to that by someone. There is also no such thing as "the poly community" but rather countless different groups and communities (both online and in real life) that are made up of people who practice or identify with this form of nonmonogamy (and these do overlap with other communities that are identified with swinging, kink, nudism, etc.).

Yep. I, in fact, put it in quotes (and was really wishing for the eye roll emoji, but i'm on a desktop) because I most often use it facetiously. I hate the term and find myself feeling comfortable in spaces where it is both understood as something that exists but also maybe isn't the wording of choice, haha. But it all goes back to frustration with the constant need for putting everything and everyone in a box.

On the flip side, I am not new to large internet communities and I understand there is a way to approach this space with respect and openness, so I am also okay with learning common nomenclature. I tend to be a little less tactful than many humans in normal life but when people know me and get it, it is all very endearing and less annoying than it probably reads in a space like this, haha. Tongue in cheek really only works when everyone in the room knows you are coming from a place of endless acceptance and love. I'll tread with respectful caution. But I don't promise not putting my foot in my mouth. And I'm always appreciative of these kinds of discussions - so again, thanks for your candor.

 

[ref2018]

This discussion was split from here.

 

[kdt26417]

Rather than "lifestyle" (which I usually reserve for swing), I like the term "lovestyle."

 

[Magdlyn]

Back before the internet, when sex alternatives were more hush hush and taboo, I think both swingers and BDSM practitioners often said they were in "the lifestyle."

Back in the early days of swinging, you couldn't say "pregnant" on TV or show a bellybutton either. Time to move on.

Swinging remains kind of stuck in the past, with its emphasis on marriage, heterosexuality and cis/het couple's privilege, so they can keep their euphemistic term "the lifestyle." Nowadays there are so many lifestyles, one (possibly two) groups claiming it as their own discreet term seems kind of silly, to me, anyway.

 

[ref2018]

Back before the internet, when sex alternatives were more hush hush and taboo, I think both swingers and BDSM practitioners often said they were in "the lifestyle."

Back then you couldn't say "pregnant" on TV or show a bellybutton either. Time to move on.

Swinging remains kind of stuck in the past, with its emphasis on marriage, heterosexuality and cis/het couple's privilege, so they can keep their euphemistic term "the lifestyle." Nowadays there are so many lifestyles, one (possibly two) groups claiming it as their own discreet term seems kind of silly, to me, anyway.

Biker clubs also (used to?) refer to "the lifestyle" to distinguish themselves from the weekend warriors.

 

[Bobbi]

I know that those who see polyamory as an identity, for them, would never entertain “lifestyle” in their vocabulary to describe who they are. Those who see polyamory as a choice might see it as “a lifestyle choice” but the only poly people ive ever heard use the term to describe it that way were new to it and similarly equate that choice as a lifestyle just like swinging. Most poly people refer to it as poly….after all, why call it anything other than what it is?

When someone say to me they are in the Lifestyle or are going to a lifestyle club, I assume they are swingers.