Advice for new situation

ref2018 said:
Do you have to meet him at rest stops to fuck in his truck because he has "roommates"? Do you have his phone number, or will he only message you through apps without turning on the notifications?
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Oh, I've had one of these in my life, that's why I think I commented really early in this thread that she'll get bored of this guy and over being treated this way before too long.

Let's not forget, there's going to someone after this guy and all the things that are being learned here will come in handy for the future and negotiating with someone who is not married/partnered and cheating.

Also, a truck driver I recently met was on the road 6 days a week average and used his home time to connect with his teenaged kids. He was a widower.

It's not ALWAYS married and cheating.
 
I think there is some missing framework here and maybe I'm an opposition voice, but I'll say it and see where it lands.

Opening a marriage in any capacity is, by nature, a very selfish act. It is saying, "I want to do this thing that will bring me additional pleasure and joy, and I want it to work, and I have x-amount of energy and capacity for what I'm willing to put up with to make it work."

And, if the marriage is strong, both partners understand that there is necessary selfishness included, but also that the PARTNERSHIP is the whole. The marriage relationship is the protected space.

This means the extra partners are at the mercy of what the marriage defines as the boundaries. In my experience, ONE relationship must be primary or there is no grounding space to return to. Maybe that primary relationship is constantly changing, and this is more complicated. But if the marriage is the primary relationship, the marriage sets the tone and the boundaries. The extra partners willingly agree to the contract terms or do not.

(Am I outside of the bounds of polyamory now? This is where my newness to the nomenclature might get me in trouble. Please read with an open mind and a lot of grace.)

Mod note: More discussion generated by this post can be found here: https://polyamory.com/threads/nomenclature-and-terminology-discussion.156168/
 
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The contract terms might be that there is one day/night a week that is the regular "away from home" night, but which night should be negotiated and flexible.
 
But if the marriage is the primary relationship, the marriage sets the tone and the boundaries. The extra partners willingly agree to the contract terms or do not.
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You are describing a type of primary-secondary model, Sunshine.


If you and your partners all agree/consent to practice that, fair enough. People can arrange themselves however they want.

This means the extra partners are at the mercy of what the marriage defines as the boundaries.
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You too could be at the mercy of the other person's marriage's boundaries, if you date a married person.

Things will align for practicing this model together, or not. People will find themselves compatible or not, just like in any other kind of dating.

GG
 
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Hi Cougarwolf,

Simplest is probably best: "Wife, I need you to know that talking about the rules is very important to me." Thing is, you can't determine/control your wife's actions, and she in turn can't determine/control the other guy's actions (the trucker).

I would give him (and your wife) a reasonable amount of time to respond (about the scheduling), and if he (they) doesn't (don't) respond in that time frame, you go ahead and set the schedule, which they can take/leave/negotiate in their own time frame.

Just my 2¢,
Kevin T.
 
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